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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this suspicious?

104 replies

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 12:54

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and while I was pregnant my partner started going out(he had never really gone out unless it was a works night out maybe once or twice a year) which isn’t an issue in itself but he stayed out all night a handful of times and never contacted me or he’d say he’d be home soon then never came home also he’d go out and say I’m just going to the shop or I’m just nipping here then just stay out. He was supposedly at his brothers house every time and the next morning he would text me saying sorry I feel asleep and the last time he stayed out he said my brother was feeling low so I stayed and talked to him(every time he’s been out for ages or not came home it’s always his friend or someone was having a hard time and he was consoling them it’s the same story every time.
He went to to get cigarettes one night(there’s a shop less than a minute away in the car) and he took about an hour came back said he went to the garage cos it’s just habit as he stops there on his way to work(garage is a 5/10 minute drive) and texts me on his way home an hour later to say he’d bumped in to his friend from work and he had broke down so had to give him a lift home. He’s said that another time he went somewhere though months later.
Everytime he answers the phone he turns his volume down even if it’s his work mates.
take his phone everywhere with him even in the middle of the night going to the toilet or for a cigarette.
He wakes up randomly in the night and goes in the kitchen for ages and shuts the door. I got up for the toilet one night and opened the kitchen door and heard the noise as if he was sat on the worktop and was coming down off it.
Every night he says he’s going to bed and goes through to the bedroom but never actually goes to sleep he’ll sit on his phone for hours(and I know he masturbates sometimes) I’ve walked in a few times and he’s startled.
I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head but he does all these little things that make me uneasy and suspicious. Am I clutching at straws or would anyone else be suspicious?
He’s away out for lunch with his work mates this afternoon and I just feel like crap he went and got his haircut, got the ironing board out etc and never makes that effort to go anywhere with me my stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 22/07/2023 17:12

You aren’t ready to end this relationship yet but I hope you soon will be.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? You can do it online.

Also what is the housing situation?

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 17:14

CornishTiger · 22/07/2023 17:12

You aren’t ready to end this relationship yet but I hope you soon will be.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? You can do it online.

Also what is the housing situation?

House is mine and in my name that’s not an issue

OP posts:
Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 22/07/2023 17:16

Starts caring about what he wears? Look like? Takes phone everywhere? Out all night? He’s got a woman and is taking you for a fool. Some men do get another woman when wife is pregnant.
Sorry, but you don’t need a reason. Not sure why you came on here and what you expected to hear on MN. He is a dick. You and your kids deserve better.

pizzaHeart · 22/07/2023 17:22

well, pack his bags then. What the problem with this? Don’t forget to invite someone to be with you after when he’ll come to collect them.
You’ve got enough evidence. We all told you that he’s up to no good.

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 17:24

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 16:55

I’m not justifying his actions but just to make it clear again my baby is 3 weeks old and he hasn’t been anywhere since I gave birth today was the first day he went out & he’s went out with work mates to lunch as far as I’m aware so this hasn’t been an issue in a few months now. Today I got upset as he was getting ready because he never wears a shirt etc for me and never goes to lunch with me so started adding up all his behaviour over the last few years and made this post

Ah I see. Even so though op, his behaviour before baby was born is suspicious. Him constantly being on the phone is strange and I still stand by what I say about the drug taking.

Jongleterre · 22/07/2023 17:25

He really is a loser.

StopStartStop · 22/07/2023 17:37

Put a stop to this, OP. End the relationship.

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 17:42

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 22/07/2023 17:16

Starts caring about what he wears? Look like? Takes phone everywhere? Out all night? He’s got a woman and is taking you for a fool. Some men do get another woman when wife is pregnant.
Sorry, but you don’t need a reason. Not sure why you came on here and what you expected to hear on MN. He is a dick. You and your kids deserve better.

I know I just felt crap watching him get ready as I was breastfeeding my daughter looking like crap I felt rubbish

OP posts:
Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 17:56

pizzaHeart · 22/07/2023 17:22

well, pack his bags then. What the problem with this? Don’t forget to invite someone to be with you after when he’ll come to collect them.
You’ve got enough evidence. We all told you that he’s up to no good.

Because why can’t he when I ask him to leave? I wouldn’t expect someone to pack my suitcase if I was going on holiday. He only wants me to do it so he can tell everyone I chucked him out and I’m the bad guy

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 18:03

Who cares what he tells "everyone" ? Most people knowing him would probably respect you for getting rid of him.

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 18:09

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 17:56

Because why can’t he when I ask him to leave? I wouldn’t expect someone to pack my suitcase if I was going on holiday. He only wants me to do it so he can tell everyone I chucked him out and I’m the bad guy

So if he is cheating are you just going to let him continue to live there and let him take you for a mug because you don’t want to pack his bags? He won’t pack them because he’s taking the absolute piss and has a roof over his head… YOUR roof!

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 18:12

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 18:09

So if he is cheating are you just going to let him continue to live there and let him take you for a mug because you don’t want to pack his bags? He won’t pack them because he’s taking the absolute piss and has a roof over his head… YOUR roof!

No but he can pack his own bags & leave don’t see why I should do it

OP posts:
Domino20 · 22/07/2023 18:16

Who is this 'everyone' and why do you give a crap what they think?

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/07/2023 18:17

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 15:47

I mean I’ve no proof of anything to anyone else it would look like I’ve chucked him out over nothing as he has a plausible answer for everything & I never said he doesn’t contribute financially we half all the bills etc

That makes it sound like you're staying with a useless partner because of what people will think

Why does it matter, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone else

Seaoftroubles · 22/07/2023 18:28

OP l understand he's done nothing untoward since your baby was born, but before that that you have listed plenty of examples of suspicious behaviour, including taking drugs. Seriously, you don't need to prove anything to anyone, or justify why you are asking him to leave if you feel you've had enough. That's a good enough reason.

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 18:28

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/07/2023 18:17

That makes it sound like you're staying with a useless partner because of what people will think

Why does it matter, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone else

Probably because op knows he will play the victims and start a smear campaign against her by telling everyone how badly done to he is if she kicks him out. She already knows he will make it appear like she just ‘chucked him out’ so we know he has the victim playing mentality already. However, I’d be letting them think what they like. The truth always comes out in the end.

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/07/2023 18:31

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 18:28

Probably because op knows he will play the victims and start a smear campaign against her by telling everyone how badly done to he is if she kicks him out. She already knows he will make it appear like she just ‘chucked him out’ so we know he has the victim playing mentality already. However, I’d be letting them think what they like. The truth always comes out in the end.

Well if they are his friends and family she won't be seeing them again and her friends and family will know the truth so I still dont see why it's a factor

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 18:35

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 18:12

No but he can pack his own bags & leave don’t see why I should do it

I'm sorry but this stance just sounds petulant and immature. You brought a child into a toxic situation and you're worried about who packs the loser's fucking baggage? You need to focus on moving forward and creating a healthy environment for your child, who is NOT too young to be affected by the current set-up.

Get some bin bags, shove his belongings in and put them on the doorstep. Get the locks changed. Block him on your phone. Job done.

Please tell me he's not on the birth certificate.

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 18:49

Domino20 · 22/07/2023 18:16

Who is this 'everyone' and why do you give a crap what they think?

whoever he’ll tell his sob story to. I don’t care what they think but i can’t stand people telling lies about me

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 22/07/2023 18:53

whoever he’ll tell his sob story to. I don’t care what they think but i can’t stand people telling lies about me

But he is always going to tell a sob story that casts him as the victim and you as the bad guy. Nothing will change that, whether he leaves now or later.

So there's absolutely no point keeping him around any longer. At this stage all you're doing is prolonging his presence in your home and exposing your child to living under the same roof as a drug taking wanker who treats you poorly.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. It doesn't matter what you do, he will not ever say to people that you split up because he did something wrong. He won't ever say to people that it was amicable and mutual. He'll always say it was your fault and paint himself as the victim. So let him. You need to prioritise getting him out of your home over your concern that people might believe his lies.

Your son deserves a calm, safe, happy home. You can't give him that while this man shares it with you.

winterchills · 22/07/2023 18:56

Definitely suspicious and it sounds like hes up to something for sure!

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 19:02

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 18:35

I'm sorry but this stance just sounds petulant and immature. You brought a child into a toxic situation and you're worried about who packs the loser's fucking baggage? You need to focus on moving forward and creating a healthy environment for your child, who is NOT too young to be affected by the current set-up.

Get some bin bags, shove his belongings in and put them on the doorstep. Get the locks changed. Block him on your phone. Job done.

Please tell me he's not on the birth certificate.

It’s immature hun expecting me to do it and will only leave if I do it. I do everything for him I’m not giving him what he wants when I ask him to leave he should pack his things and leave

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 19:11

Ooooh-K. Good luck to you and your child.

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 19:11

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 18:49

whoever he’ll tell his sob story to. I don’t care what they think but i can’t stand people telling lies about me

Op I had the most vicious lies told about me when I left my ex. He literally turned people against me. I just had to ride through it and ignore the drama and cut out anyone who believed his shit! It was tough, extremely tough having to face people on the street who he had spread all those lies to. I’m a better person for it now and most people have since realised what he is like and why I left him without me saying a single word to them.

Bonbon21 · 22/07/2023 22:58

You are not happy.
He wont make you happy.
You wont throw him out.
He wont leave.
Nothing is going to change.

Do something or suck it up.
But stop moaning about it on here in that case.