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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this suspicious?

104 replies

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 12:54

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and while I was pregnant my partner started going out(he had never really gone out unless it was a works night out maybe once or twice a year) which isn’t an issue in itself but he stayed out all night a handful of times and never contacted me or he’d say he’d be home soon then never came home also he’d go out and say I’m just going to the shop or I’m just nipping here then just stay out. He was supposedly at his brothers house every time and the next morning he would text me saying sorry I feel asleep and the last time he stayed out he said my brother was feeling low so I stayed and talked to him(every time he’s been out for ages or not came home it’s always his friend or someone was having a hard time and he was consoling them it’s the same story every time.
He went to to get cigarettes one night(there’s a shop less than a minute away in the car) and he took about an hour came back said he went to the garage cos it’s just habit as he stops there on his way to work(garage is a 5/10 minute drive) and texts me on his way home an hour later to say he’d bumped in to his friend from work and he had broke down so had to give him a lift home. He’s said that another time he went somewhere though months later.
Everytime he answers the phone he turns his volume down even if it’s his work mates.
take his phone everywhere with him even in the middle of the night going to the toilet or for a cigarette.
He wakes up randomly in the night and goes in the kitchen for ages and shuts the door. I got up for the toilet one night and opened the kitchen door and heard the noise as if he was sat on the worktop and was coming down off it.
Every night he says he’s going to bed and goes through to the bedroom but never actually goes to sleep he’ll sit on his phone for hours(and I know he masturbates sometimes) I’ve walked in a few times and he’s startled.
I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head but he does all these little things that make me uneasy and suspicious. Am I clutching at straws or would anyone else be suspicious?
He’s away out for lunch with his work mates this afternoon and I just feel like crap he went and got his haircut, got the ironing board out etc and never makes that effort to go anywhere with me my stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 23:11

Bonbon21 · 22/07/2023 22:58

You are not happy.
He wont make you happy.
You wont throw him out.
He wont leave.
Nothing is going to change.

Do something or suck it up.
But stop moaning about it on here in that case.

I have told him to leave he won’t leave and I’m not moaning. I was wondering if all his behaviour over the years was weird or I was just being paranoid I’ve only just reflected on our whole relationship and thought wait a minute was he doing this when he said he was doing that etc. Now that I have read peoples opinions I won’t be so tolerant. I don’t know why I keep posting on here every time I regret it. You ask for advice on here because you’re having a hard time and people give you a hard time for not dealing with things a certain way. I’m glad a lot of you are not my parents I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you anything for fear of judgement and certainly wouldn’t expect a hug. My dad is no longer here and my mum is a narcissist alcoholic so no I don’t have the best judgement on some situations and never had real guidance so yes i have low self esteem and keep landing myself manipulative men and I stay around longer than I should. Im very self aware and I do know everything everyone is saying but sometimes I just need an ear or some words of comfort or even a hug and as I don’t have anyone that can do that I come on here and i’m reminded why I don’t like people.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 22/07/2023 23:20

I am sorry if you are not feeling supported on here.
But you asked to be listened to and for advice.
And that is what you are being offered.
But you havent changed the mindset you arrived with.
He wont leave unless you pack his bag.
You wont pack his bag because you dont want to.

Stalemate.

If you want things to change, you... YOU are going to have to change them.
Because the arsehole cant be arsed....

2catsandhappy · 22/07/2023 23:23

This is so sad to read. You have just had a baby and your partner is provoking you to kick him out. Of course he can't just up and leave, that would make him the biggest bastard on the planet.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would be suspicious too. If it was me I would be phoning the work place reception/switchboard to see if he actually makes it to work.

No way on God's green earth is he suddenly ironing to impress his mates. Does his brother have a gf or dw you can ask? I too have heard the mate/car/fell asleep stories. Not original at all.
I hope things get better for you soon.

Moonchild5 · 22/07/2023 23:52

2catsandhappy · 22/07/2023 23:23

This is so sad to read. You have just had a baby and your partner is provoking you to kick him out. Of course he can't just up and leave, that would make him the biggest bastard on the planet.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would be suspicious too. If it was me I would be phoning the work place reception/switchboard to see if he actually makes it to work.

No way on God's green earth is he suddenly ironing to impress his mates. Does his brother have a gf or dw you can ask? I too have heard the mate/car/fell asleep stories. Not original at all.
I hope things get better for you soon.

I don’t speak to any of his friends or family I only speak to his mum he doesn’t socialise with his family so we don’t see them. This was months ago the last time he stayed out nothings happened since given birth I was just upset watching him get ready to go out earlier and shock he’s not home yet although he says he’s on his way

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 23/07/2023 00:16

Bonbon21 · 22/07/2023 23:20

I am sorry if you are not feeling supported on here.
But you asked to be listened to and for advice.
And that is what you are being offered.
But you havent changed the mindset you arrived with.
He wont leave unless you pack his bag.
You wont pack his bag because you dont want to.

Stalemate.

If you want things to change, you... YOU are going to have to change them.
Because the arsehole cant be arsed....

But you havent changed the mindset you arrived with.
He wont leave unless you pack his bag.
You wont pack his bag because you dont want to.

This is exactly the problem. I’m sorry you feel unsupported here but basically people are very sympathetic about your situation, and everyone is saying “this is what you need to do” and you’re saying “no”.

Nobody can give you a solution to this problem if you reject the only two options.
As a pp suggested, you can just throw his things into bin bags. You don’t need to pack everything neatly into suitcases.

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 02:21

FictionalCharacter · 23/07/2023 00:16

But you havent changed the mindset you arrived with.
He wont leave unless you pack his bag.
You wont pack his bag because you dont want to.

This is exactly the problem. I’m sorry you feel unsupported here but basically people are very sympathetic about your situation, and everyone is saying “this is what you need to do” and you’re saying “no”.

Nobody can give you a solution to this problem if you reject the only two options.
As a pp suggested, you can just throw his things into bin bags. You don’t need to pack everything neatly into suitcases.

I asked if his behaviour was suspicious and I’m only saying I don’t see why I should give him the satisfaction of packing his bags as that’s what he wants he should be doing it himself and leaving when I ask him to leave

OP posts:
Flashingtealights · 23/07/2023 03:08

Well then , you have your answer. He won't pack his bags because he doesn't want to look like a bastard, you won't pack his bags because you don't want to look like a bitch. You asked if his behaviour is suspicious, people responded with an overwhelming Fuck yeah.
As others have said nothing is going to change and as long as you are ok with the status quo , which you obviously are, then play on.
You have a new baby but instead of enjoying it he's ruining it for you . He's a cunt

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 23/07/2023 04:02

How many guys do you think would wear a shirt to meet their mates, never mind iron it?
How many guys meet for lunch on a Saturday?
None of this rings true for me.
Especially coming from someone who has started going out in the last nine months, carries his phone with him all the time, speaks secretly on his phone, goes out for an hour and then stays out all night.
I don’t want to be mean love….but he’s definitely either having an affair or messing about with several different women/girls.

Leading the life of a single man…
He’s using you, living in your house with all the comforts of home and playing around, doing whatever he likes.
What you do is up to you….,but you know what you should do, don’t you?

Redhairblackheart · 23/07/2023 04:17

I would be ordering new locks for the doors and when hes out consoling another one of his poor mates, change them and ditch his shit out the window

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 04:50

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 23/07/2023 04:02

How many guys do you think would wear a shirt to meet their mates, never mind iron it?
How many guys meet for lunch on a Saturday?
None of this rings true for me.
Especially coming from someone who has started going out in the last nine months, carries his phone with him all the time, speaks secretly on his phone, goes out for an hour and then stays out all night.
I don’t want to be mean love….but he’s definitely either having an affair or messing about with several different women/girls.

Leading the life of a single man…
He’s using you, living in your house with all the comforts of home and playing around, doing whatever he likes.
What you do is up to you….,but you know what you should do, don’t you?

I’ve no idea but he has worn suits to work nights out etc told me he was on his way home at midnight even though he said he’d be home at 8 and he never came in until 3 this morning so he’ll be getting told to leave in the morning

OP posts:
Tashface · 23/07/2023 05:21

"he never came in until 3 this morning so he’ll be getting told to leave in the morning"

And what will you do when he refuses to pack his bags?

Klymr · 23/07/2023 05:29

The problem is … the unknown. Its easy to say pack his bags and sling him, but if it was me I would need to know where he was going. Cant a friend drive by his brothers to look for his car? Ring his brother when he claims to be there and ask for him say u couldnt find “something important” or you need him to come home youv come over a bit funny and don’t feel great. Doesnt matter what reason. Just to hear the brothers confusion. I would need to know is it one person or is it something else. Can you access his finances?? Is he drawing out £40 4 times a night during these nights out so many things it could be & iv seen happen to people.
mum so sorry this is happening to you.
but trust me one day youl say thank god it did. Xo

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 08:08

Klymr · 23/07/2023 05:29

The problem is … the unknown. Its easy to say pack his bags and sling him, but if it was me I would need to know where he was going. Cant a friend drive by his brothers to look for his car? Ring his brother when he claims to be there and ask for him say u couldnt find “something important” or you need him to come home youv come over a bit funny and don’t feel great. Doesnt matter what reason. Just to hear the brothers confusion. I would need to know is it one person or is it something else. Can you access his finances?? Is he drawing out £40 4 times a night during these nights out so many things it could be & iv seen happen to people.
mum so sorry this is happening to you.
but trust me one day youl say thank god it did. Xo

I don’t know anyone with a car that would do that and I don’t speak to the brother only met a few times at restaurants for birthdays and I’ve never been to his house. I’d love to know where he actually goes but I’ll never find out

OP posts:
GenerallyGreenerGrass · 23/07/2023 10:17

It doesn’t really matter where he’s been now does it?
No-one goes out for lunch with their “mates” and comes home at 3am the next day….fifteen hours later.
He’s gone out for a full day with “someone” but I bet no mates were involved.
Throw him out, you’re doing the right thing, this is never going to work and make sure you don’t let him back.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/07/2023 10:31

You're never going to find out everything and that might be a good thing actually. You will never be able to prove anything because he's too clever for that. However you know in your heart what he is up to. I would pack his bags for him, given he's too fucking lazy to do it himself and I would put them in the garden and hope it was a rainy day.

boobot1 · 23/07/2023 10:39

Bonbon21 · 22/07/2023 15:22

So he lies, takes drugs, goes missing for hours, doesnt contribute financially and you think he has cheated.... and you are looking for a good reason to throw him out...
Okay then....🤔

This

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 10:49

He just told me after giving birth he didn’t know how much he loved me until he seen me give birth and told me how proud he was and how much he loved me and only wants to be with me forever etc then goes and does this and he’s still awake from coming in at 3 so he’s been taking drugs

OP posts:
Moominy · 23/07/2023 11:32

This is horrible for you to have to deal with / think about so soon after giving birth but if you think he's still doing drugs you need to get yourself and your baby away from him. Surely that's got to be a good enough reason to kick him out now?

Chuck his things into bin bags - don't think of it as being something you're having to do for him (I appreciate you don't want to give him the satisfaction), but think of this as you doing this for you and your little one's future.

It'll be worth it.

If you say he'll never pack his things and you're not prepared to do it then you're stuck with him.

I know it's easy to say who cares what others think, but if I'd heard that someone who had just given birth had kicked out their partner, I'd be wondering what they'd done; not you.

This is your life, you can't not kick him out just because you're worried about what others think. Surely the most important things in your life are you and your baby, not others' opinions / gossip etc.

I really hope it goes ok for you OP.

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 12:44

Moominy · 23/07/2023 11:32

This is horrible for you to have to deal with / think about so soon after giving birth but if you think he's still doing drugs you need to get yourself and your baby away from him. Surely that's got to be a good enough reason to kick him out now?

Chuck his things into bin bags - don't think of it as being something you're having to do for him (I appreciate you don't want to give him the satisfaction), but think of this as you doing this for you and your little one's future.

It'll be worth it.

If you say he'll never pack his things and you're not prepared to do it then you're stuck with him.

I know it's easy to say who cares what others think, but if I'd heard that someone who had just given birth had kicked out their partner, I'd be wondering what they'd done; not you.

This is your life, you can't not kick him out just because you're worried about what others think. Surely the most important things in your life are you and your baby, not others' opinions / gossip etc.

I really hope it goes ok for you OP.

I feel so stupid he was so nice after given birth felt like I had a whole new partner he couldn’t have been more helpful and loving and it infuriates me because if I was to disappear and stroll in at 3am on drugs after giving birth I’d be all the names under the sun

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 23/07/2023 12:46

Congratulations on your lovely new baby girl and so sorry you are not feeling happy and secure in your relationship.
3 weeks post partum is not a good time to make big decisions so maybe make some small ones?
The Freedom Program; when you are on your own or up on night feeds, log on and do a bit in your own time, your mindset will gradually see things in a clearer and stronger way.
Right now he’s cottoned on to a clever way to cover his tracks and be the innocent party right up to the point that he knows that you packing for him is a hill he knows you are prepared to die on, he’s loving that get out of jail free card!
When you feel able to get yourself out to baby groups and clubs , you don’t need to make friends if you don’t want to, but a change of scene will do you good.
P.S could you hide a little camera in the kitchen?

glitterfarts · 23/07/2023 12:51

Call the police. Tell them it's your house, you've asked your ex boyfriend to leave and he's refusing to go.
They can come remove him, he can pack his bags then or it can get chucked out.

Or ring his mum and say you've asked him to leave, he won't go, could she come and get him.
He's playing you for a fool.
I'm sure he loves you dearly, men who need somewhere to stay tend to "love" needy women with their own home.

Look at his actions and not his words.
He's playing you for a fool.
You don't need an excuse to break up. Just a "this isn't working for me, please leave".

Hawkins0001 · 23/07/2023 12:55

Certainly suspicious behavior

Moonchild5 · 23/07/2023 13:30

MaryJanesonabreak · 23/07/2023 12:46

Congratulations on your lovely new baby girl and so sorry you are not feeling happy and secure in your relationship.
3 weeks post partum is not a good time to make big decisions so maybe make some small ones?
The Freedom Program; when you are on your own or up on night feeds, log on and do a bit in your own time, your mindset will gradually see things in a clearer and stronger way.
Right now he’s cottoned on to a clever way to cover his tracks and be the innocent party right up to the point that he knows that you packing for him is a hill he knows you are prepared to die on, he’s loving that get out of jail free card!
When you feel able to get yourself out to baby groups and clubs , you don’t need to make friends if you don’t want to, but a change of scene will do you good.
P.S could you hide a little camera in the kitchen?

I’m sleeping in the livingroom just now as there’s more space to get up and feed during the night and his snoring is really bad so he’s not been going to the kitchen during the night in a while as it’s right beside the kitchen

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 13:35

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. You can hold your head up high after booting him out.

Let's be honest, how many people are really that invested in anyone else's lives? He will go and whinge about you to his mates or family and after ten minutes people will change the conversation, roll their eyes and go back to thinking about their own problems and relationships.

Acornsoup · 23/07/2023 19:26

Moonchild5

"CornishTiger
You aren’t ready to end this relationship yet but I hope you soon will be.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? You can do it online.

Also what is the housing situation?"

The freedom programme is not about separating leaving or from someone. It is about recognising the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Recognising red flags. Addressing why abusers behave the way they do. It's also about being safe and keeping children safe. There is so much more to FP, they don't advise anyone to LTB.