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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
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10
oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 07:58

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:15

I know theres been other women while we have been off. But never while together. More for the fact that he is such a minimal effort person than anything else, i never thought he had it in him.

Never underestimate the capacity for cheating, OP.

It's always the same- ''But he seemed so nice/quiet/trustworthy/faithful''

Phones have definitely made it easier for people to cheat- but also for their partners to find out.

Oceanus · 22/07/2023 07:59

You're hurt as you should be. You didn't see it coming so it was bound to hurt but you need to pick yourself up and realise that piece of shit isn't worth it. He's not worth your tears nor your time nor your sadness.
Watch something funny or weird on tv. Occupy your mind and don't leave any space for him. Get a box and pack his stuff.
Then count the days for when your "friends in common" say something. Call me a hypocrite but those that keep quiet will likely have known about this... What happened will benefit you in the long run. You'll lose all the dead weight from this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2023 08:00

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 06:26

I dont how i managed to sleep tbh. That few seconds after i woke up were weird, i forgot what was gping on.

For the person who said this sounds soap operaish, fuck off.

I probably let myself down a bit, i sent 3 messages to him (he's blocked so no response) i wasnt swearing and they were short but i did have words to him. I just said you dont let me go ever but you clearly have optioms so just leave me alone. When we've been off, ive had cars, washing machines, money, presents. He will literally beg for me which i always thought showed he loves me as he'a quite a stoic person to others.

I am worried that the amount i care about him and the length of time ive known him and naturally being forgiving, after a few weeks im gonna be in a different space.

I cant get over the fact, one; he was doing it in my house when ive had to ask for communication many times and get nothing. 2 she wasnt his type at all. 3; the time of it. We havent been arguing or cold or off recently. This was my birthday meal which we had to keep delaying.

Im questioning everything now. Im looking back at so many times wondering if i was being fed lies to keep me sweet. I feel so betrayed.

So he love bombs you when you’ve split up. It is likely he will do this again. It isn’t a sign of affection and love. It is a sign of control. He is stunted emotionally, unable to properly commit to you, unable to share feelings with you.

It really does not sound as if you are a good fit for one another. This isn’t healthy and there is no way you should ever bring a child into this relationship. Children definitely do not bring people closer together. Set yourself free please.

The belief that at 35 with all this history with him is the reason you cannot move on or pursue what you want in life is pulling you back to him. But you need to read up on the sunk cost fallacy. Just one example https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships. Once you let go of him, you will realise there is a whole other world out there for you. And that it really isn’t too late to meet someone to be truly happy with.

Why We Stay in Bad Relationships

The sunk cost fallacy in economics surprisingly provides a great explanation for why we stay in bad relationships.

https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships

Wat2do222 · 22/07/2023 08:00

I've been through this many years ago. The feeling that your whole life is ruined forever. I used to think that what we had was everthing, the fact that he never truly commited to me was a huge red flag that I never saw, always just though we're solid and forever. It hurt like absolute hell for a very long time. The fact that someone you love can do something so out of character and so devastating will fuck your brain. But, you will get through it. It's gonna be tough, I know exactly where your at right now. Shock, anger, tears, staring in to space. Your mind will take you to crazy places. But you will get through it. Give yourself a moment, you've had a massive shock x

Campervangirl · 22/07/2023 08:02

Firstly, you are in shock.
You need time to process what's happened, MN is a good place to spew out all your thoughts, hurt and frustrations.
Take the good advice and ignore anything spiteful that's posted (the trolls will be awake soon🙄).

  • You've been together a long time, it doesn't sound like a perfect relationship, he's a taker & you're a giver.
  • It's going to take a long time to get over it, you need to look after yourself.
  • Stop thinking it's something you've done/not done, this is all on him.
  • Don't send anymore texts to him, now's the time to maintain your dignity.
  • Tell someone IRL, a friend or a family member, you need the support.
  • DONT ever think people will think you're deficient, your family and friends will probably be relieved that it's over, I'll bet they don't really like him and think you can do better.
  • Take small steps of self care, eat small and often, drink plenty of water, don't hit the wine, have a bath and watch a movie, go out with a friend.
  • Try not to think about Hollie, if she pops in your head, force her away, don't compare yourself. At 35 you're not too old to start again but at the moment it's all too raw, you need time, space and support. I feel for you, I know the pain that you're going through but trust me you'll get through this and one day it won't hurt anymore ❤️
oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 08:03

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:30

Im confused as to why he planned so much for this weekend. And when i 'have an emergency' he's offering to come with me, wait at mine, giving me money, asking who needed help, what can he do etc. When he couldve just carried his evening with her without me interupting him. He was begging to stay or come with me. he literally begs for my time just to waste it evey single time. I have messages from a month ago 'you're the best woman in the world, id never get better than you, best lover ive ever had, most beautiful woman ive been with'.. obvs not?

He sounds like a narcissist.

Look up HG Tudor or others on you tube- Narcs tell you what you want to hear, go cold... then try to hoover you back in again.

Stay strong, OP!

Don't let the little rat back into your life.

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:04

I feel stunned honestly.

OP posts:
Wheresmyrobe · 22/07/2023 08:06

OP I'm not sure if your messages will have delivered to him whilst you have him blocked

Oceanus · 22/07/2023 08:09

You need to go from feeling stunned to feeling the rage. This wasn't the first time and you know it. The way he was so at ease, come on! He was probably nervous and anxious the first time. Now he was relaxed, making plans for this and that with you: he was at ease.
Feel the rage and then move on to feeling nothing. Just ignore him, you don't have what it takes to getting into words with him. Block and move on.

oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 08:09

@Campervangirl Great advice here.

@babygirl88 I promise you- you will one day look back at this and it won't hurt.

The hurt takes a while to burn itself out, but the sooner hurt turns the anger, the better for you.

It tends to come on in waves- it's a form of grief, after all, ''losing'' what you thought you had.

He's a faithless git, and he'll cheat no matter who he is with, eventually.

The advice to clear him out of your house is a good one, get rid of his lingering vibes.

Cloud992 · 22/07/2023 08:10

Honestly, If he says “you shouldn’t have been reading my messages”
just hire back and say “well you shouldn’t have been messaging another woman!”

dont let him question your self worth OP.
He’s a scum bag!
you deserve happiness and a loyal partner! Just enjoy being single for the time being and love/ take care of yourself :)

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 08:10

oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 08:03

He sounds like a narcissist.

Look up HG Tudor or others on you tube- Narcs tell you what you want to hear, go cold... then try to hoover you back in again.

Stay strong, OP!

Don't let the little rat back into your life.

This! Identical behaviour to mine. Extreme narcissism. I fell for it as I was insecure presumably and needed to hear how amazing I was. It cuts down your barriers, makes you feel vulnerable and loving and then they go distant. It all feels so emotional and deep and meaningful. You yearn, they come close, they go away again. On and on it goes in its own ridiculous, compulsive drama. It drives you absolutely mad. At least hopefully you can stop it now before your child bearing days are gone (if you want kids that is). This is not love OP - it's a silly, romantic sham of love

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2023 08:15

I know the behaviour is narcissistic. Idk if he’s a narcissist in the true sense of the word. Perhaps you can answer this op. Either way, he’s most certainly emotionally unavailable. Here’s a brilliant blog, which will explain it to you much better than I could. It describes this man to a tee, including why he uses so much humour. https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/communication/what-to-do-with-an-emotionally-unavailable-man

What To Do With An Emotionally Unavailable Man

What does it mean when a man is emotionally unavailable? What are the signs? Why you may be attracted to him, and how to deal with him? Find out here.

https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/communication/what-to-do-with-an-emotionally-unavailable-man

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:15

Thank you all, well the helpful ones anyway. Im not going to explain the dyamic etc, i came for an outlet as i am alone on my birthday weekend because i found messages to another woman.

The messages did deliver as i unblocked him to send them.

I just keep picturing my face when i saw it. I was dancing around the living room like an idiot, happy we were celebrating finally, i had no concept of time as i hadnt checked my phone and had been off work yesterday. I tapped it and i just froze. I remember my shoulders going down and my face dropped. that feeling in your gut. I rememeber thinking for a few seconds, shall i stay dressed in this or change? Who the fuck is hollie? Taking in her face and features. Wondering how deep or far it is. How long. Ok shall i just carry on as if nothing has happened but i couldnt. Mad how much can go through your head in a few seconds. I got changed quickly and when he got out i just said i had to leave.

I feel annoyed than I let on to him after that i knew but its done now.

OP posts:
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:17

@Campervangirl thank you x

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 08:19

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 08:10

This! Identical behaviour to mine. Extreme narcissism. I fell for it as I was insecure presumably and needed to hear how amazing I was. It cuts down your barriers, makes you feel vulnerable and loving and then they go distant. It all feels so emotional and deep and meaningful. You yearn, they come close, they go away again. On and on it goes in its own ridiculous, compulsive drama. It drives you absolutely mad. At least hopefully you can stop it now before your child bearing days are gone (if you want kids that is). This is not love OP - it's a silly, romantic sham of love

Oh yes- the hot and cold- Being cold and distant- then tons of flattery , attention &c..it is a form of madness.

I too was insecure- HG Tudor {himself a narcissist} says narcs are driven to have relationships with ''Empaths''...people who will be sympathetic and supportive to them.
As OP says..she supported this faithless man and was there for him.

Sounds like OP is an empathetic, sympathetic person and supportive, and this rat completely reeled her in and pushed her away in the manner of narcs.

Breaking off all contact will infuriate him, but you will regain your power, OP.

Don't let him back in- he will try to send you a present most likely, or will turn up out of the blue- all contrite and sorry and soppy..

Don't fall for it!

Emmylou22 · 22/07/2023 08:19

It will hurt like hell, no getting away from it. But you need to feel these feelings, process the grief, and rebuild your life (eventually - it will take time). The easiest way of doing this is by disciplined NO CONTACT. Or he will hoover you back in. You will get to a point where this man is a distant speck in your past. He just won't matter anymore. Short term pain now will prevent the long term pain of staying with him. You will be fine x

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 08:24

Yep as other posters have said. NO CONTACT. I would also get a clear eyed view of his character by asking friends and acquaintances what they think of him. You don't have to say you have been cheated on if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It will help you see him for who he really is rather than who he wants you to see you as. You might think you know the 'real' him, the person who he is when he is vulnerable, but they will have a much clearer view of the 'real' him and it could help you disentanlge from him.

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:28

Ive always known people didnt like him for me but they understood the history and my feelings and they would see us together and say ok he is a bit shit hut you two really are peas in a pod, we get it. I dont like my best friends boyfriend, it doesnt change anything she does. I wasnt ready for it to end and def not because he was texting someone which has alwsys been our issue, lack of communication.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 22/07/2023 08:29

I'd have replied to Hollie...who the fuck are you. I am what's his faces girlfriend. And let him find my message in his own sweet time.

Bananarepublic · 22/07/2023 08:30

He isn't someone that will ever just want a calm, loving relationship. He thrives on the drama, the passion, the excitement of big gestures and break ups/making up.

That's why he's so exciting to be around because it's so passionate and when he comes back to you it just seems like falling in love over and over again. But it's not real. It's not something to build a life around and bring children into. Maybe he'll settle down when he's older but even then his life will always be about him and not about being part of a couple and making a family together.

Don't feel bad about it because he's very good at seducing and keeping people on the hook. It's his life's work doing this.

You can do so much better though. You deserve to have someone who makes you feel truly loved and respected every single day, not just for odd moments or weeks.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 22/07/2023 08:30

OP I'm coming on to say how sorry I am. This is beyond horrible.

But let me be clear about something. His behaviour is not about you or anything that you lack. Likewise it's not about her and anything that she has.

This disgusting behaviour is about him, his poor character, his inability to connect with another person, his insecurity. It's him.

I know it hurts like hell but try to fix your perspective on the fact you have seen him for what he is and although it's painful to let go now that you've seen you know that he truly isn't good enough for you.

Campervangirl · 22/07/2023 08:32

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:17

@Campervangirl thank you x

You got this girl, chin up, tits out ❤️

oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 08:32

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:15

Thank you all, well the helpful ones anyway. Im not going to explain the dyamic etc, i came for an outlet as i am alone on my birthday weekend because i found messages to another woman.

The messages did deliver as i unblocked him to send them.

I just keep picturing my face when i saw it. I was dancing around the living room like an idiot, happy we were celebrating finally, i had no concept of time as i hadnt checked my phone and had been off work yesterday. I tapped it and i just froze. I remember my shoulders going down and my face dropped. that feeling in your gut. I rememeber thinking for a few seconds, shall i stay dressed in this or change? Who the fuck is hollie? Taking in her face and features. Wondering how deep or far it is. How long. Ok shall i just carry on as if nothing has happened but i couldnt. Mad how much can go through your head in a few seconds. I got changed quickly and when he got out i just said i had to leave.

I feel annoyed than I let on to him after that i knew but its done now.

You will remember that for a long time.
I still remember when my husband cheated.

It's shock.

Dad was the one who found out my ex was cheating...and told me.

It was Christmas.

We were staying at my Parents, and husband went to see his parents across London for a couple of days.

Dad said ''Phone him..he won't be there''

I did- his mum answered, and said ''He's gone to the guitar shops , up in London, he isn't here''

Guitar shops open on Boxing Day??

Anyway...when husband turned up from ''Visiting his parents'' dad looked at the mileometer on the car- husband had not driven 22 miles- but over 250.

He'd been back to where we were living.

Dad said ''I had suspicions- that book he was reading, he wouldn't pout it down, he never reads- it must have been a present from the other woman {it was!}

What made it worse, I contacted the other woman, and she actually accused me of being ''Mentally unwell'' - she came round to out house and said ''I am NOT having an affair with your husband'' {with her hand over her mouth!!}

As she looked so unlike who he'd normally 'like', I said ''I believe you''

THAT is what makes me cringe.

Many years later, son and I saw her in a shop.

We just stared at her , I shook my head as if to say ''You are disgraceful'' and we walked on.

This woman said to a colleague during the affair ''All's fair in love and war''- Stupid woman.

SquirrelMadness · 22/07/2023 08:32

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:30

Im confused as to why he planned so much for this weekend. And when i 'have an emergency' he's offering to come with me, wait at mine, giving me money, asking who needed help, what can he do etc. When he couldve just carried his evening with her without me interupting him. He was begging to stay or come with me. he literally begs for my time just to waste it evey single time. I have messages from a month ago 'you're the best woman in the world, id never get better than you, best lover ive ever had, most beautiful woman ive been with'.. obvs not?

I think he's probably doing it because he likes cheating. Not because he has a strong connection with her, not because of anything you've done wrong. Some men just enjoy sneaking around and lying, it's an ego boost. He won't change, he will cheat on and lie to her too. He's already lying to her, he told her he was having a nap when he was with you.

I was with a man like this, I remember having the same thoughts about the other woman looking nothing like me. Wondering whether I ever meant anything to him. Now I don't care what he thought of me because I'm with a lovely partner who does commit and doesn't lie.

Look up narcissistic personalities and realise that his mind doesn't work like yours does. Please please please don't let him back. Move on, block him and I promise you, one day you won't care anymore what he was thinking. There's still time for you to find someone who deserves you x