Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:04

Im gonna have to just make answers up in my head as he obviously isnt an honest person, it will be focused on why i tapped his phone rather than what i saw. I just dont know how long its gone on or how far, was it an ego thing or is there a connection with this hollie? Where didnhe even meet her?

OP posts:
LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:06

Have had similar experience with someone. This person, for whatever reason, is totally incapable of changing. He will likely have been cheating many many times with you. Can't commit but can't let you go either. Keeps reeling you in with charm, devotion etc. because needs attention, scared deep down of being alone etc. But it is entirely focussed on THEM, manipulating your emotions to get what they want. Think about getting yourself some therapy asap to find out why you have found this type of person attractive so you can avoid next time and so that you will not be susceptible in the future to him or someone like him. DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE COMMUNICATION WITH HIM. He will reel you back in, break your heart again and waste your time.

You are young and still have time to meet someone else, plenty of people do.

oakleaffy · 22/07/2023 07:10

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 06:57

Its not even the parts that should be hurtful that are hurting me.

For years ive had to take bread crumbs of communication. We all have. His mum moans about it. His close friends. His clients hate him as he is notoriously bad at contact even when he's making money from people. So the fact he was making effort to text someone ANYONE is whats getting me here. It sounds silly but ive texted him many times and get a 6 hour late reply. Meanwhile hollie's getting a running commentary of his night while im next to him.

If it's any 'Comfort'...My ex husband was a terrible communicator- and his mum and dad said the same..

He left for a work colleague- someone FAR older, and absolutely not what I was expecting..

Anyhow...they married, two years later they divorced..

Now with his 3rd wife, and a few years ago she phoned me {she had my number because of ex seeing our son} and he's just the same with her!

They are still together, but who knows for how long.

Some men should come with a health warning.

It can be very lonely lying next to a non communicator- far worse than being actually alone.

This creep will try to hoover you back in - but don't succumb to it.

You are still very young in the scheme of things.

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:12

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:04

Im gonna have to just make answers up in my head as he obviously isnt an honest person, it will be focused on why i tapped his phone rather than what i saw. I just dont know how long its gone on or how far, was it an ego thing or is there a connection with this hollie? Where didnhe even meet her?

If it was an ego thing what does that tell you about him? If it was a connection thing what does that tell you about him?? Either are not good. Either mean that he needs to be out of your life.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:15

I know theres been other women while we have been off. But never while together. More for the fact that he is such a minimal effort person than anything else, i never thought he had it in him.

OP posts:
changingmyname143 · 22/07/2023 07:15

How did you sleep OP? Take today a bit at a time. Are you with a friend?

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:18

@changingmyname143 i slept about 4 hours. Im on my own today, my close friends have plans as we (ex) had set this weekend aside to celebrate my birthday. Im in a daze, my house is full of his stuff. I feel like a zombie. Like this isnt my life.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 22/07/2023 07:18

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:02

It would honestly hurt less if he just fucked her, i swear. He's doing something that i always asked for so freely to a stranger??why? He always said 'im not a little kid on my phone 24/7, i kiss your feet and help you with anything, whats a text?'

The last few weeks now im looking at everything as its obviously been going on. I had no clue.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you
This is as painful as it gets, but every week, it will hurt a little bit less. You just have to grit your teeth and go through it

Is this bothering you so much because it suggests he cares about her enough to bother to text her, when it takes him hours to reply to you?

That he told her he'd had a nap suggests she doesn't know about you

He isn't worthy of you. You've blocked him - now stop messaging him. Don't communicate at all - it only drags out the pain

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:20

I keep looking at last night from a 3rd party view. I had a shower and had a special outfit in my locker which he was dying to see. I got changed while he showered and was waiting in the living room. Im absolutely cringing that i was making effort while he was doing that.

OP posts:
ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 22/07/2023 07:21

Once the gloss has gone off it, he will be piss poor at communicating with her too OP.

Go grey rock. Let her have him. She will be throwing him back in the pond soon enough.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:24

@Tilllly i wont be saying anything else. Im wuite good like that. My friend wss even suprised thst i mentioned it as im not confrontational at all and usually keep quiet.

If he has a connection with her thats ok, what can i do, that happens. Its the fact that for years and years ive just been told 'i dont text' and to text a random woman. Thats really hurt me. You did for her, but not me?

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 22/07/2023 07:25

Why don't you spend today throwing yourself into making your home entirely 'yours' again. Clear out all of his things and black bag them. Buy yourself a few nice new accessories for around the place. Keep yourself busy, and make it all nice things for you. Book yourself a treat for your birthday - a spa afternoon.

AmilyChestnut · 22/07/2023 07:29

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 23:36

I always looked nice, i never gave him reason to look elsewhere. Took care of myself, always spontaneous and fun but serious and helpful when needed.

This isn't your fault.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:30

Im confused as to why he planned so much for this weekend. And when i 'have an emergency' he's offering to come with me, wait at mine, giving me money, asking who needed help, what can he do etc. When he couldve just carried his evening with her without me interupting him. He was begging to stay or come with me. he literally begs for my time just to waste it evey single time. I have messages from a month ago 'you're the best woman in the world, id never get better than you, best lover ive ever had, most beautiful woman ive been with'.. obvs not?

OP posts:
rubixia · 22/07/2023 07:31

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:18

@changingmyname143 i slept about 4 hours. Im on my own today, my close friends have plans as we (ex) had set this weekend aside to celebrate my birthday. Im in a daze, my house is full of his stuff. I feel like a zombie. Like this isnt my life.

I would definitely think about calling a friend anyway, even if they are busy. This is not an everyday situation, and I’m sure your friends would be devastated at the idea of you going through all these thoughts and emotions on your own today. Even if they can only chat on the phone or pop in and see you for an hour, it’ll make you feel so much better to talk to someone you love and trust.

Sending lots of hugs, I’ve been through this before too, the first few weeks are the worst but it does get better I promise.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:33

Comstantly reminiscing with me about when we were young and our memories over the years. He's so vunerable and like a baby around me, he can really let his guard down and i ask for nothing. Im starting to see that he cant commit but alos not let me go as i provide alot more benefits to be kept around. I just never thought he had it in him, i thought inwas really important and special to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:35

For those of you that have been through this. Do the questions ever go away in your head? Do you still wonder?

OP posts:
Oceanus · 22/07/2023 07:37

OP, I'll be blunt. There's an old saying: out of sight, out of mind. Long-distance relationships are difficult. 20 years living an hour away... The fact that you both appear to have your own houses and nobody said: let's move closee and/or together. The signs are there, you were just blind to them.
This feels like the end of the world but it isn't. 35 is young as others have told you and you can still have kids.
It hurts a lot now but you need to move on. Your relationship has probably been doomed for a long time, you just didn't see it coming. The fact you seem to be so blind to this guy -love blind- makes you susceptible to his nonsense. Don't stick it out because you already wasted 20 years. You still have many good years left. You've probably met many other nice guys but weren't open to it because you were with this other guy, now you can go for it.
Open your eyes and open your mind, expand your life. Move on from this guy, talking to him will likely achieve nothing. Talking it out with him is unlikely to be of any real benefit to you.
How many times has he cheated before? If he didn't move in with you before, made no show of taking things to next step, do you honestly thing it was going to happen...? You were even living in the same house, why? You could both of moved to live in the house, half an hour away, yet nobody compromised, why?
I'm betting his friends knew and this girls wasn't the first. Just the first one you found out about.
Honestly: move on. This relationship was going nowhere. If you didn't feel the need to live together after 20 years it was unlikely to ever lead to a family together.

Mintyt · 22/07/2023 07:37

It hurts real bad for (me) about 3 weeks. It's also like grieving for what you had and your future, but your life will continue and you will be happy and strong again

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:42

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:35

For those of you that have been through this. Do the questions ever go away in your head? Do you still wonder?

Well for me I thought 'Thank God I got away from that lunatic fucker and met a decent straightforward man who doesn't shower me with over the top compliments but is a solid, reliable human who is not going to fuck around with my head, and possibly give me STDs'

Oceanus · 22/07/2023 07:42

You *weren't even living in the same house,

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:44

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:33

Comstantly reminiscing with me about when we were young and our memories over the years. He's so vunerable and like a baby around me, he can really let his guard down and i ask for nothing. Im starting to see that he cant commit but alos not let me go as i provide alot more benefits to be kept around. I just never thought he had it in him, i thought inwas really important and special to him.

The only person who is important and special to a man like this is HIMSELF! You are honestly well rid even if it's painful now. If you keep away from yim, you'll honestly get to a point where the emotions have subsided and you can see things clearly and you'll just be like 'What the hell was I thinking?!'

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:52

Just gone into the living room. 2 glasses still full on the dining table. Im sitting in the spot where i left him to go and shower where he sent his messages. Well hurtful.

OP posts:
LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:58

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 07:52

Just gone into the living room. 2 glasses still full on the dining table. Im sitting in the spot where i left him to go and shower where he sent his messages. Well hurtful.

OP an extremely good thing has just happened to you, don't be sad! You are now in a much better position to meet someone nice, have some kids and build a much more satisfying life for yourself. It's all good

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 07:58

This guy was taking away your future