Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

Separating has never worked. I have cut off before as i wanted better for myself. Years ago we cut off for a really long time, years. i moved, changed my number etc. a friend of his saw me at my work, called him and my ex turned up half an hour later as if no time had passed. I have been angry before and ignored him for weeks, i give him a pass to do whatever with whatever and he'll always come back saying he misses me too much. Its s mind fuck.

No not at all. It took a while but I no longer care what he was thinking, why he did what he did etc. It doesn't matter to me anymore.

The sooner you cut off all contact with him, the sooner you can get to that point. I would recommend seeing a good therapist if you can find one (not all of them are that good).

Oh @babygirl88 I really feel for you reading this as your shock jumps out from your words and takes me right back to when this happened to me.

You’re having a normal reaction, this man has been in your life for years and it’s a betrayal so your mind is trying to align everything with the new information.

In the next few days, treat yourself for the shocked reaction so be really easy on yourself- remember to keep eating and hydrated.

Try and do some nice stuff like a bath with your favourite smellies, walk in nature, try to give you mind a rest every day from thinking about it, write your thoughts down before bed, ring a trusted friend or family member and tell them everything!

Ring a friend and talk about all the annoying things about him and laugh about him! Op he sounds awful and like a massive man baby!! You’re young, he’s given you an easy way out!

I know it’s easy for me to say but you will be ok. It hurts like hell and that’s normal and shows that you’re decent and human and that you loved him. Turn it around and be thankful to be you; loyal loving rather than him; cheating and pathetic.

It will take a while to feel okay but you will.

Op I’m sorry to hear this. It’s going to take a long time to get over, but you have us to rant at.

on a practical level do you feel ready to box up his possessions and shove them in the garage / spare room. You must have reminders of him everywhere. Bin them now

So how many times are you going to keep doing this ???

I hear the helplessness (I've been there), only you can make this better. You've done it before, you can do it again. Just make it permanent this time.

Also don’t work yourself in knots trying to ‘figure him our’. You can’t figure him out because you’re decent. Anyway there’s nothing to figure out with these men, they’re just lame and 2d idiots. Not attractive!!

During our separation, no word of a lie i thought about him daily for years. Not one day i didnt. This is what scares me. We're so many more years deeper into it, closer than before, more settled. How can i forget him and move on when its never ever happened before.

He's very good looking, has money, very charismatic. People fall at his feet.

I feel such a cunt honestly its behond embarassing, i was making so much effort.

This is one weird thread

This time, take control.

Do not let him back in, he will try- believe me he will try.

But if you value your mental and emotional wellbeing, absolutely no contact is the way to go- otherwise you will be used for decades as ''Backup'' for him.

He's unfaithful, but his mind probably thinks : Never mind that I've been unfaithful, Babygirl loves me, is always there to nurture me, and make me feel good- a bit like my mum, I can misbehave but she will always be there for me''

He's a waste of time.

Op to be blunt so what if he has money etc.

Youre not saying anything about his character.

He sounds awful.

And the money is like glitter on a turd.

Oh OP I am so sorry I really hope you're okay.
I went through sinilar where the other woman turned up at my house! Turned out her lied to us both for over a year!
I know it's easier said than done but you need to find the strength to cut him out of your life.
Take this weekend to process the shock, then start some new hobbies, be active, catch-up with friends and keep your self busy!

Why

Also you do need to go no contact once you’ve sorted out any practical stuff with him.

If you don’t you’ll find the healing process longer.

Be Curt and businesslike with him if you need to arrange return of belongings or get a family member to do it.

Having been where you are, I know how you feel, this man is like a drug in your system. So he uses your live for him, it makes him feel good to know your there like savings for a rainy day.
Please start making memories without him. List reasons he is a crap person. Go out and date, break your minds link to him and pleasure. Otherwise you will be a single old person always looking back one day.

Also he thinks you are good, but not the one or he wouldn't be cheating on you.

You weren't "settled". How does "settled" work when you both live an hour away so I assume only met every now and then?
You never know people until you've lived with them and shared your space. Stop clutching at straws. You weren't an idiot and he's never been perfect. He knew what he was doing. He played you and that's on him, not on you. It's not like stupid cunts walk around with the word cunt tattooed on their heads, do they?!
He hid his ways and you went along but that's on him. If you lose the rest of your spine and go along with him then that'll be on you. Hold on to whatever selfrespect you have left, hold your head high, dry the tears, drink a cup of tea and go shopping. Go and spend money. Go and look at pretty things.
Don't dwell on it and for the love of god don't take him back.

I think you have to keep telling yourself that you are never going to get the answers to the questions you have

Not immediately, but in the coming weeks, focus on boxing up the questions and kicking them out the door

He is a total cockwomble and threw away the best thing in his life. But you are now free to meet someone who will share your life with love and laughter, and never make you feel you have to earn his love and attention

I bagged everything up and its outside ready to go in the bin.

I wont be making contact, im quite good at maintaining silence but my god do i have questions. Id never ask as id never get the truth but fuckin hell.

Its all like a joke. My friends used to say, you know what at least you know he wouldnt ever text other women because he's so shit on his phone. Look how that turned out. In my own house on a day like yesterday which was for me.

I mentioned money etc as other women look at those things. I was with him
When he had a moped with L plates on and used to split the cost of a mcdonalds as teens. I wasnt interested in his money even now.

You seem to be fixating on the contact aspect. It doesn’t matter. Most men or women are great at that at the start. It’s not really about the person, it’s just the novelty.

Did he not pursue you at the start?

Agree with this. Just ghost and leave him confused and wondering what the fuck?

Maybe it would help to realise he's not the person you thought he was? He's a liar and a cheat. Research narcissism and the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist. It might help you to understand how you're feeling and how to get out.

I had a diary recording the number of days since I'd last contacted my on and off arse hole ex, because I couldn't seem to stop writing to him. So I know it can seem impossible to stop thinking of and contacting him. But it isn't.

Find a good therapist who understands the dynamics of relationships with a narcissist. List the things you found annoying about him (eg not being in contact). Be patient with yourself as it will take time. But do not go back.

To your friends comment - anyone can cheat really. They don’t have a sign above them. My ex husband, everyone was shocked that he cheated, not only cheated but with an 18 year old!!! They just couldn’t believe it. Often when things are less raw you see the signs were there though.

Get a new notebook

Write all your questions in it

And do a list of all the bad things about him. And any time you weaken, read that list

I'd also have a list of stock phrases to say to people who ask - and to that twat if he turns up on your doorstep
"Go away. I never want contact with you again"
Don't discuss

I am fixated on the contact as its been the only thing ive ever asked for. Ive taken a considerable amount of shit over the years out of love and the only thing you still barely give me, you give to another.

Its like a couple never having a holiday as one wont fly and then they're jetting away with anyone else but you. Its been my main issue but he always said 'its not specific to you, you see how i am' yea i sure do now. Perfect for someone else..

I know its not the girls fault as she obviously doesnt know about me but when i saw the messages i wanted to say 'but he's mine?' I was so confused. As for him, i have a million words but also nothing left in me to say. I wont talk. Ill never get over or forget that feeling i had yesterday. Disgusting. Heart felt like it was gonna explode, i was shaking so much. It felt like everything collapsed in 1 second.

Well reading your last post, it sounds like you set the bar very low sorry. Time to raise it. xx