Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

My Mum had me at 40, OP! My Dad was 45

It's amazing how often there is a drama on a Saturday night, with lots of posters giving their opinions. Anyone would think there are paid elves behind some of these keyboards, keeping the site busy

What a surprise - parents are home on a Saturday night. Using a parenting website…..

Just one flaw in your argument darling! This thread was posted on Friday night... are you very drunk?!!

Opinions are what makes the forums work. Otherwise they’re confessions only.

Plus, it was Friday night.

Hey! I haven't been paid 😡

Are all you other elves receiving money?

Hope you got some rest OP after such a nasty shock.

Then why was the time so important you had to check? This all sounds very soap operaish

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the fact that after 2 decades you're in an on again off again relationship, that tells you all you need to know. If there was a real true love between you would you not have reached the point that it would be a full on relationship. I'd have expected that during your off periods there would have been other women. I think his biggest mistake was not being honest that although he loves you, which he probably does, it's not a long strong enough to keep him faithful. Unfortunately people cheat, men women there's no difference, people just cheat because they think they'll get away with it or they don't care enough not to.

Sorry love not long

I'm so sorry dear😭. I can imagine how you feel. I've been there. Hope you have had a good cry. It will be really hard but you will get over him. Call your friend and vent. Crying gives relief.

Sounds like this is the wake up call you needed because it appears he’s been using you as a backup for most of your adult lives. Being off and on for two decades around a time when most couples are settling down speaks volumes.

btw no woman or man gives their partner a legitimate reason to cheat. It’s not about looking nice or not giving him a “reason” to look elsewhere.

If anyone is being treated badly or not getting what they need from a partner they can call time and walk away. No need to cheat.

I know you're raw at the moment, but give yourself time to become more calm and think about what you've told us on here:

On and off for 17 years - probably you making all the compromises and settling. Him behaving like you're his subservient being, there to facilitate his life, reminding him to contact people, running around after him.

6 years this latest time - what's the betting he's already cheated on you maybe multiple times, and you've always let him back into your life.

Him going off in a huff when you call him out - he's thinking I'll let @babygirl88 be for a while and then waltz back in as if nothing has happened and carry on where I left off.

For whatever reason, you're allowing yourself to be his physical and emotional doormat. That's not good. We can be outraged and disgusted on your behalf but if what you do is let him back into your life after all he's done for the past 17 years, you'll just be in an eternal cycle of cheating and forgiving, cheating and forgiving. You sound too vulnerable to letting him back, and with that level of acceptance all we can ever do on here is say there there, it's terrible what he's done to you - it isn't Hollie's fault he's a lying, cheating, disgusting specimen. It's your life and only you can change, gain some self esteem and self-worth.

Don’t question yourself Babe… Stop allowing him and yourself to make you feel deficient. HE is the problem. He had been with you for long enough to really commit and you know you deserve better than the crumbs he gave you. The cheating is all on him. It doesn’t matter whether she’s his type or not. Women are obviously just convenient holes and lumps that make noise to him. I think you need support. Text your best friends and let them know. Don’t let him get away with this behaviour out of some misguided loyalty to protect his reputation. Too often I read about women suffering in silence while they do this. He doesn’t deserve pity. He knew what he was doing and you are very lucky you found out before another ten-17 years went by.

Op do not doubt your self worth.

He has chosen to do this. Something in his character enables him to sneak around and break his own boundaries and moral code. Something makes him think he deserves ‘more’ he didn’t share this fact with you as he doesn’t want a level playing field - he only thinks HE deserves more.

So hold your head up. Tell people so you have support. It’s his shame not yours. Anyone who thinks otherwise thinks a good relationship means their partner won’t cheat - this isn’t true. It’s due to a deficit in character. Normally a gaping hole that nothing/nobody will fill.

I bet you met 80% of his needs but he feels he deserves 100% filling.

Watch Brene Brown on shame. You will be okay but it will take a while. Look after yourself and remember you didn’t cause this and you couldn’t stop it. It’s his deficit.

I dont how i managed to sleep tbh. That few seconds after i woke up were weird, i forgot what was gping on.

For the person who said this sounds soap operaish, fuck off.

I probably let myself down a bit, i sent 3 messages to him (he's blocked so no response) i wasnt swearing and they were short but i did have words to him. I just said you dont let me go ever but you clearly have optioms so just leave me alone. When we've been off, ive had cars, washing machines, money, presents. He will literally beg for me which i always thought showed he loves me as he'a quite a stoic person to others.

I am worried that the amount i care about him and the length of time ive known him and naturally being forgiving, after a few weeks im gonna be in a different space.

I cant get over the fact, one; he was doing it in my house when ive had to ask for communication many times and get nothing. 2 she wasnt his type at all. 3; the time of it. We havent been arguing or cold or off recently. This was my birthday meal which we had to keep delaying.

Im questioning everything now. Im looking back at so many times wondering if i was being fed lies to keep me sweet. I feel so betrayed.

Grab pen and paper and write. Do this every day. More than one time a day. It really helps. You will write nonsense but you need to process this.

Anyone saying it’s a soap opera/over reaction hasn’t been there. Sadly too many people think a good relationship means it won’t happen to them. It’s not you or your relationship it’s their poor character.

This has happened now for a reason, as a massive wake up call for you to see who he really is and let him go. So that you can go forward in your life without someone cheating on you and disrespecting you.

You said yourself your relationship is very on and off so it's hardly a stable loving relationship - your 35 but "been with him" 17 years and don't live with him but then you also said it's only been 6 years? So I don't see why you are surprised?

Sorry to be blunt OP, but you’re a fool if you take him back.

You take him back, and you green-light this sort of thing forever more.

He knows he can cheat with impunity, and you’ll just take him back. So expect more of this.

Your self-esteem and mental health with be in the floor.

And your remove any chance of moving on, finding happiness, meeting someone decent.

You deserve better, OP

I'm so sorry @babygirl88
I just don't know why men do it.

I had the same {we had a house and young child}... SO many men are cheats, it's unreal.

I had it happen again, years later- after that, decided never to bother again- Much easier to be alone than to be made a fool of.

Even a male relative cheated ob his wife of many many years- We {the family} were really shocked.

The pain this causes is terrible.

Great point and very true.

You probably won't be able to see it like this at the moment, but he might have done you a favour. Time to get out of this relationship completely now. A clean break. And when you're ready, go out dating. You'll be a fantastic partner for someone else.
Don't look back

Its not even the parts that should be hurtful that are hurting me.

For years ive had to take bread crumbs of communication. We all have. His mum moans about it. His close friends. His clients hate him as he is notoriously bad at contact even when he's making money from people. So the fact he was making effort to text someone ANYONE is whats getting me here. It sounds silly but ive texted him many times and get a 6 hour late reply. Meanwhile hollie's getting a running commentary of his night while im next to him.

Sounds to me like a midlife crisis as a way of explaining his actions. If you're all he's known for almost 20 years, pretty much one of his first, if not THE first girl... maybe that's it?

I'm sure he loves you, but I'd imagine it happens to everyone who hasn't slept around... the 'what if'? It could just be an ego boost that someone is interested in him (simply attention), it could be sex, or it could be more.

Usually, when a guy chases you after they've been caught, it means one of two things... he really does love you, or it hasn't gotten far enough with the other person yet (monkey not letting go of one branch until they've got ahold of the next analogy).

Still... sorry...

It would honestly hurt less if he just fucked her, i swear. He's doing something that i always asked for so freely to a stranger??why? He always said 'im not a little kid on my phone 24/7, i kiss your feet and help you with anything, whats a text?'

The last few weeks now im looking at everything as its obviously been going on. I had no clue.