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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
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babygirl88 · 24/08/2023 21:23

I wish i never met him. I got nothing out of all those years.

OP posts:
Poppercorn · 24/08/2023 21:27

You could write a letter, then sit on it a few days before posting it. I think it's going to be very hard for you to move on otherwise. Even if you meet and argue, it might help in the long term than complete silence (and jumping at every door knock).

When my ex dumped me, it was so painful. A few months later we met and he begged me back. I was strong and saw that I was better off without him and that helped me move on.

That a long time ago. I thought about him frequently for a few years but now I don't give him a moment's thought. And now I am happily married to someone very different to him!

babygirl88 · 24/08/2023 21:32

I cant argue to save my life and he is very dominating and outwords me even on the smallest things. It wont bring closure as he cant take accountability in life or ever be wrong. Will convince me the sky isnt blue kind of guy. Ill be fed lies or laughed at, more to the point he could try and talk to me but hasnt. I also would probably look at him and forgive it all - not that he cares to be forgiven. I have to stay away which i am. Im obviously not occupying space in his brain and im not gonna feed his ego but breaking my silence. But its honestly killing me. If i had the guts to end things id do it in a second.

OP posts:
Poppercorn · 24/08/2023 22:00

You will have better days soon and they will also become more frequent.

Do you have a friend nearby to see while you're feeling this low?

Also do set up some counselling if you can afford to.

Take care.

babygirl88 · 24/08/2023 22:30

Thankyou

OP posts:
MadisonR · 24/08/2023 22:49

I am really puzzled by this, after all those years, don't you want to know what's been going on, who this woman is and why he's not contacted you. It would help to have some closure.

If it makes you feel any better though he'll probably be back once it's over with 'Hollie'.

babygirl88 · 24/08/2023 23:06

Who said i dont want to know? Im deseperate to know but im going to take the last bit of pride i have and not be the woman who gets cheated on and goes begging for answers which i wont even get.

OP posts:
7eleven · 24/08/2023 23:20

@babygirl88 you need to continue to dig deep and find strength. There’s not a man alive that is worth ending your life about.

Stop being so blinking dramatic and look after yourself. I 💯 guarantee you can get through this.

JudyEdithPerry · 25/08/2023 00:38

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Itisadifficulttime · 25/08/2023 00:45

OP, have you started seeing a therapist? It seems like you need to unload all these feelings, heartache and thoughts.
All those questions you want to ask him, all the things you would love to say but can't - won't.
If you can't have a one-off contact with him then speak to someone. Speak with a therapist.

He is not worth you driving your car into a wall. He is definitely not worth that amount of emotion. It would be a shame to grant him that much power.

roses321 · 25/08/2023 11:47

Please do not take the ludicrous advice of contacting him for closure, all you are giving him is satisfaction.
You have the closure: He wasn't who you thought he was, and also he was a liar, and also he doesn't give a shit that he's a liar and if he does give a shit he's too much of a coward to do the right thing. There's your closure.

Contacting will do nothing but let him know you still care, and let him know that you're still thinking about him which he does not deserve in any way shape or form.

OP please remember my story, remember what I have told you. It sounds to me like you have got very low self worth and I can relate to it.

What does it mean to you that he has done what he has done? It means that he didn't choose you, that you weren't good enough? Is that what you are telling yourself?

Flip it, and every time you have these shitty thoughts continue to flip it over - the flipside is actually that he is a liar and can't be an honest human being and you don't deserve to be with someone so shitty.

That's the honest truth here. He was a piece of actual shit and that's how he's conducted himself, I know how it feels, I experienced the same thing. Men like this have problems and you are not a rehab program for peoples problems and selfish behaviour.

Please focus on some things you can do for yourself, super important. Here is what I did:

  • I got therapy (try betterhelp)
  • I got onto anti-depressants (doesn't matter if you have to over egg it to the GP or tell them you feel suicidal/can't function well or whatever just get on some low dose anti-depressants and that will take the edge of temporarily)
  • Get into some light exercise, nothing major, something like yoga, pilates, walking around the block
  • Get off social media
  • Read "Whole Again" which is an excellent book for trauma.
  • Get an audible subscription and listen to books to take your attention away from the rumination
  • Journal
  • Meditate
  • Do a mini plan for yourself every single day and do not fill your day with tons of stuff, one or two things is enough right now - eg: change my bedclothes, hoover my lounge, throw out some old clothes
  • Plan a haircut/facial/manicure
  • Think and write about what you want for your life that doesn't involve a partner (for now) and what you want to achieve in your life.
  • Read "Getting Past your Breakup" by Susan Elliott and do the exercises in the book - i'm deadly serious this is a great book. On audible too.
  • Clean your car
  • Yes delete the photos, trash anything that reminds you of him, that was given to you by him or that gives you bad vibes related to him. Cry your eyes out while doing it but you will feel better after (I did this and it was therapeutic to remove every inch of him off my phone and any memory of him).

Hope these help somewhat but honestly it is hard at first, but right now you are living IN the grief and suffering, do not live IN it. Acknowledge it and ask it what it is trying to tell you. When you get answers that is what you need to work on.

trixylittlehobbit · 25/08/2023 20:23

Sorry you are still feeling so bad, and you are letting yourself slip into the dark place which you mustn’t do!
it feels like you are waiting for him to contact you before you can move on, as if you are stuck. I know it takes a long time, but you seem to be feeling worse.
I think roses321 suggested a lot of good things, but talking or therapy sounds like it would really help you make sense of the situation and look at it from a different angle.
Are you back at work? Keeping busy?
please don’t allow yourself to wallow in it, you don’t deserve to be sad a second longer! Make plans and look ahead xx

Whattodowithit88 · 25/08/2023 21:25

Just read your whole thread, I’m a little bit in awe! I had something similar happen to me but on such a smaller scale than you and I was close to crumbling (but didn’t- now his not even a passing thought in my head) and have to say you are very strong!! For someone who comes across as a bit of a people pleaser you are doing so well! I read your posts and just see pure strength shining through. You really are doing well, keep it up. You put 20 years into him- now it’s time to put the same time and effort into you, and you’re more than worth it! Of course you will have bad days- but as each week passes it will get easier. You really do deserve better, I hope you give yourself enough time away from this looser to find it.

allmyliesaretrue · 25/08/2023 21:30

babygirl88 · 24/08/2023 23:06

Who said i dont want to know? Im deseperate to know but im going to take the last bit of pride i have and not be the woman who gets cheated on and goes begging for answers which i wont even get.

Sweetheart, you have wasted enough of your life on this caricature of a man. I really do think you should speak to a professional. Please don't harbour dark thoughts - he so is not worth it. Every time you are upset, remind yourself of all you've said here, about how you had to walk on eggshells round him, and how much more peaceful it is without him.

Have you friends or family you could talk to/spend time with? When my work colleague's husband cheated on her (he announced he was leaving the family while they were waiting for a food delivery after getting home from a weekend away), she literally replaced everything he'd touched/sat in/slept on. Would a 'purge' help you too? You need to find your anger. He's treated you so very badly.

The way he has failed to contact you speaks volumes - listen. Take care xx

Poppercorn · 06/09/2023 12:02

@babygirl88 how are you?

oakleaffy · 06/09/2023 17:08

@babygirl88
You have done so well to free yourself from this nest of barbed wire and brambles that was trying to ensnare you.
It’s normal to be so hurt after being basically abused for so long.

yes, dreams are normal (and very upsetting )
as is regressing in your feelings

you will gradually re adjust and get used to it.

But don’t look back!

Well done for being so strong so far!

You can do it!

👍

oakleaffy · 06/09/2023 17:16

Whattodowithit88 · 25/08/2023 21:25

Just read your whole thread, I’m a little bit in awe! I had something similar happen to me but on such a smaller scale than you and I was close to crumbling (but didn’t- now his not even a passing thought in my head) and have to say you are very strong!! For someone who comes across as a bit of a people pleaser you are doing so well! I read your posts and just see pure strength shining through. You really are doing well, keep it up. You put 20 years into him- now it’s time to put the same time and effort into you, and you’re more than worth it! Of course you will have bad days- but as each week passes it will get easier. You really do deserve better, I hope you give yourself enough time away from this looser to find it.

Same here! @babygirl88 has done so well and is a pillar of strength .

That crappy little man is so unworthy of you. Baby girl.

His moods, his unfaithfulness , trying to please the horrid twat- Ugh! Who needs that.

You feel justifiably upset and angry - anyone would.

But you have freed yourself from this cheating -
and that is so commendable.

Do not allow him back in!

Itistimeandiamscared · 06/09/2023 20:15

OP, how are you?

Babygirl888 · 07/09/2023 11:39

I had a nightmare with my account, havent had access so im under this name now.

Honestly, it made me well up that people were / are thinking of me and asking how I am weeks later. Thank you.

I managed to lose 9lbs which was terrible for me as I was only 7 stone to start but I have gained a bit back. I am still crying everyday but not all day which is an improvement. I still have days where i will be a zombie in bed for close to 2 days at a time. I have forced myself shopping and gym, even for 15 minutes. I have watched every series known to man. My house couldnt be more different, i have rearranged, cleaned, made over and changed everything i can.

I do feel proud that ive stayed so strong and not spoken to him but then i think 'well he hasnt actually tried so its not that hard'. I had a missed call from a private number and was sure it was him, but they called back and it was regarding an appointment so that slapped me back down ☹️

My heart still skips a beat when a loud car parks up or i hear my door knock but a few weeks ago, it was really knocking me the whole day whereas now it will be alot shorter.

Im finding myself in quite a bitter place, im not talking to anyone as im finding myself feeling like everyone is so happy and im so miserable - i know thats not the case but its how it feels. Its just my way of coping for now, i tend to just shut up and cut off when im feeling low.

I did go back to the doctor on tuesday and they prescribed me some anti-depressants which ive started taking now so im hoping they will agree with me and help lift my mood a little bit.

Thank you for asking how i am, still breathing, hearts still beating. Deeply sad but getting better x

Itistimeandiamscared · 07/09/2023 15:04

Nice to hear from you, OP.
I think you did the right thing seeing the GP. I hope the meds agree with you. If one doesn't agree with you, there are others.
I totally relate with hearing sounds which are similar to sounds that you identify with him.
Well done on making progress and continuing to heal in little bits.
I know you must miss him so acutely some times. He doesn't deserve you. 💐

Babygirl888 · 07/09/2023 15:39

Thank you. I miss him so much. Every minute of the day..

oakleaffy · 08/09/2023 00:44

@babygirl88 It's tough!
It's still early days in the scheme of getting over an 'unhealthy' relationship {Speaking from experience!} - I'd say you feeling low is 100% normal- {but that doesn't make it any easier to bear}
Time WILL heal you -and well done for tidying your house, going to the Gym - that's so good.
You have a reason to be feeling low- I don't know if anti depressants will help as you have a reason for feeling angry and hurt and betrayed.
You were together a long time, and of course it will take a while to get used to being independent again- But how much better to be independent than to be attached to a cheating rat.

You are stronger than you think!
This is probably a good time to rediscover who you really are.

Keep on keeping on!

oakleaffy · 08/09/2023 00:49

Babygirl888 · 07/09/2023 15:39

Thank you. I miss him so much. Every minute of the day..

You are probably remembering the very few 'Good' bits.

Focus on his crappy parts- of which there are bound to be many.

He will take up less headspace as time goes on. That's just what happens.

:)

oakleaffy · 08/09/2023 00:53

''I do feel proud that ive stayed so strong and not spoken to him but then i think 'well he hasnt actually tried so it's not that hard'. I had a missed call from a private number and was sure it was him, but they called back and it was regarding an appointment so that slapped me back down ☹️''

Oh OP! This really resonated with me- I had to do a wry laugh- know just that feeling! 😬

Bless you- you are so honest in how you are feeling.

Babygirl888 · 08/09/2023 01:21

@oakleaffy thank you ❤️

I just cant believe this is my life at all anymore. I cant remember the last time i laughed or slept well. I havent actually told a single person apart from my friend that night it happened, i cant bear to tell people, so I found an email service website where you can email yourself and you'll receive it in 1, 3, or 5 years. I wrote how i was feeling - hopefully i wont still be crying in 3 years and in the same state but rather look and be proud i moved forward.

Here is the only place ive been even a bit open and its really sweet to know strangers care and have shown such empathy.

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