Hiya, I feel like I am eminently qualified to add to this post so I will do, and it'll be a decent amount of reading.
So, I had a partner who I knew had previously sexted (because i was one of the sextees and always told him to eff off) when he'd had a girlfriend. I ended up getting into a relationship with him purely by chance years later. I asked him about this stuff and he told me he was older now and ready to settle down/had changed etc etc. He was VERY convincing.
Thing is though, I never really felt safe with him, always had a thought in my mind that I might lose him. I was codependent and never really even knew it but I'll get to why that's relevant in a minute.
He would come over to my house, hang out, message me constantly and tell me how beautiful I was. I thought I'd met my soulmate, he was so attentive and wonderful. Or so I was telling myself. He later suggested we should move in with one another, so I did, thinking that wow.... the stars had aligned and I'd met "the one".
The punchline is: I found him doing the same things to me. Sexting tons of different women online. No mention of me in any of those messages, sending photos of himself to them, had no idea who they were. In the meantime playing happy families with me and sleeping with me, even telling me he'd never hurt me in the middle of "the act" at one point. Vomit.
When I found the evidence I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I couldn't help but look because i needed to know. I relate to everything you are saying, I couldn't eat, sleep, didn't know what to do with myself and couldn't believe he could do that with me when he'd told me that he felt so different about me from every other. Gave me the story about how he'd never loved his ex etc etc. I was different though. I was special.
I didn't leave, I stayed and of course he gaslit and switched it around to me "invading his privacy" - so first things first, congratulations to you on a MASSIVE scale for actually saying f this, and leaving and doing it with grace and poise and not blowing his phone up.
You are a class act. I wish I had done what you did because trust me you'll get the last laugh. I never recovered from him doing that, he proposed to me a few years later and I said yes and he bought me the most beautiful ring, but I never stopped worrying and it caused fights. Eventually I did leave though (although it was after we bought a house, you can read my story in my previous posts), but that's because he became abusive verbally and mentally on top of his cheating.
Few points to make about your messages:
- Ignore anyone who says you're not reacting well or you're x y or z. You're in shock, you've just had the rug pulled out so you need to vent and get it all out. You're in pain and it's ok and a lot of us know how you feel. For those who don't, lucky them but they will one day most likely.
- Your messages are talking about this girl and how she's not his type and you always made an effort and how could he do this to you. There are a ton of messages you've written attributing what he's done to how you look/she looks etc. You're missing the point here sweetheart, none of this is about you or her. It's about him. All of it. It's about him and who he is, his character, his dishonesty and what HE is lacking. Not you. And hey, if there was something he was missing if he had any sense of decency he'd have spoken to you about it.
- I've learned from my experience to WATCH ACTIONS. Watch very very fucking carefully as well. You mentioned he was "put off" moving in with you, i'm sorry I don't buy that. 6 years, nothing has moved forward, that's the take home here. I'm sure others have said it as well but he's had it all very cushty with you, you've been on call to be wifey but not asked for anything actually resembling commitment. I wholeheartedly recommend a book called "Why men love bitches" because it very neatly explains the way men think and their mindset and I have found it very much to be true. He's done just enough to keep you happy, but look at it from the POV of what is he getting in return? Sex? Company? Stability without commitment? Your commitment? You think all of that is worth nothing? It's worth everything.
- As to why he's done it... ultimately because he could, because by nature people like new and shiny and if they're emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable like your cunty ex then they don't see a problem with it. Also because they can, also because he never thought you'd find out and the biggest reason of all? It strokes his pathetic little ego and he feels like a man because ohhh look at me, i'm getting ALLLL the women. They all want me. There is no good reason, no good reason why he couldn't have spoken to you about anything that he wanted more of in the relationship, no good reason to not move things forward with you, no good reason he couldn't have NOT done what he did. He just did it because he's immature and selfish and driven by his own ego.
My advice to you:
Don't put pressure on yourself to feel amazing or better. You will feel like absolute shit so make friends with those negative emotions and ask them what they're trying to tell you. Oh hello misery, fear, self doubt and self loathing and heartbreak. Want a coffee with me? What are you trying to say to me? Just be cool with the fact you're going to feel like that, don't live there, but don't try to push it away and cover it up. You need to feel that right now.
Define your idea of what love looks like. It obviously doesn't involve sexting/cheating and a partner who would do that kind of thing, what else does/doesn't it involve? Perhaps someone who makes up pathetic excuses not to move the relationship forward would be a good one to add in there.
Look at what you could have done differently/better in the relationship, not because any of this is your fault - it ISN'T. Seriously. But so that you can identify any weak spots you might have and regrets you have for the NEXT person who comes into your life, NOT for your slimy ex.
I'm nearly 39 with no kids, I live in a room share and i've gone from living with a partner in our first home and being engaged to being a 38 year old with a room to my name having to sell all my beautiful dreamed for furniture and not being able to go into my own house.
HOWEVER, I now go to pilates, socialise, spend money on myself, don't worry about his phone beeping and who it is, don't constantly worry about my relationship and if he loves me, I go to counselling weekly and I know that regardless of how much he wants to make me the bad guy, he knows deep down what he did. It sucks right now there is no getting away from it, but at the same time as good times don't last, neither do fucking bad ones.
I chose me and you've done the same, you have no idea how proud of yourself you should be. It isn't that this girl is better than you or has something you don't, because how he treated you will be how he treats everyone else... trust me it absolutely is. Read that book I recommended and you'll probably find that you were giving everything and he was giving very very little.
It's hard to accept that some of these men are so devious and such con artists, but they are! They love you yes, but not in the same way we love them and if you're going to pick on yourself for anything it's probably that you weren't selfish enough and gave him too much of yourself when he never deserved it.
This is going to suck but you WILL be ok. Trust me I thought I was going to die, I felt so much pain I couldn't get up and even brush my teeth, I had stomach upsets and couldn't even face work or do anything. I felt like my world collapsed and I clung to him because I had so little self respect. You're already streets ahead on that front.
I'm sending you all my love and hugs and I hope this is helpful. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. x