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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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scoobysnaxx · 27/07/2023 19:04

@babygirl88 try and get some fresh air, a shower and a good meal.

Can you arrange some plans with friends in the coming days?

Original poster
babygirl88 · 27/07/2023 19:22

@scoobysnaxx only really have one that i meet up with but shes got a toddler and new relationship. she texts here and there but only when not with the boyfriend. I text her this morning and havent heard back yet as they're shopping for a holiday. Cant be arsed with anything or anyone. Still cant eat, everytime i try the messages pop into my head and i put the food down ☹️ its so tiring

OP posts:
JudyEdithPerry · 27/07/2023 20:44

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

chemicalworld · 27/07/2023 22:21

yogurt is good when I'm finding it hard to eat, and even ice cream for the calories.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 20:43

Happy one week anniversary to me👍🏼

OP posts:
Itistimeandiamscared · 28/07/2023 20:47

babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 20:43

Happy one week anniversary to me👍🏼

And you are still going.
You will get through this.

TattoedLady · 28/07/2023 21:32

babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 20:43

Happy one week anniversary to me👍🏼

Yup, and you'll get through week two and three also.

It might be worth trying to listen to one of the meditations on the Calm app while you eat - focusing on the meditation might help block the intrusive thoughts and allow you to munch while you listen?

Graze and nibble rather than try to eat full meals - peanut butter/avocado on toast, smoothie, some dried fruit or nuts, yoghurt as PP suggested maybe with some granola...little things that you can snack on.

Try to sleep early tonight and the first Friday will be over quicker.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 21:41

@TattoedLady @Itistimeandiamscared thank you both. im barely going but im going nonetheless. had music blaring today and managed to eat some crisps during that, so good thinking @TattoedLady

Managed to have a good clean and do some washing. still trying to come to terms that im being given the silent treatment and will receive no apology. but not my loss. its his.

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 28/07/2023 22:05

babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 21:41

@TattoedLady @Itistimeandiamscared thank you both. im barely going but im going nonetheless. had music blaring today and managed to eat some crisps during that, so good thinking @TattoedLady

Managed to have a good clean and do some washing. still trying to come to terms that im being given the silent treatment and will receive no apology. but not my loss. its his.

That's what you keep reminding yourself - you are going, barely maybe, but you are.

The silent treatment is so hurtful - feels like you must mean so little to him if he can't even be bothered to reach out and explain what happened, or apologise for it.

But the truth is more likely that he can't face you - he probably knows you deserve an answer and an apology but if he blocks all that out by going silent he doesn't have to deal with it and acknowledge that he's actually a shitty article.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 22:11

@TattoedLady i just feel forgotten about and unimportant. and yet minutes before he got in the shower was telling me how much he loves me and im beautiful. if i never saw it, he'd be here right now, thats what i dont get. he had no ties and could easily leave for someone else, he never has. ego stroking with the other girl? I dont know. i cant stomach the thoughts anymore.

Id apologise when things werent even my fault just to keep the peace and he's just living it up

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 28/07/2023 22:34

babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 22:11

@TattoedLady i just feel forgotten about and unimportant. and yet minutes before he got in the shower was telling me how much he loves me and im beautiful. if i never saw it, he'd be here right now, thats what i dont get. he had no ties and could easily leave for someone else, he never has. ego stroking with the other girl? I dont know. i cant stomach the thoughts anymore.

Id apologise when things werent even my fault just to keep the peace and he's just living it up

You are not unimportant. Big hugs.

Your worth isn't measured by whether he reaches out to you or not. Your self-worth is rooted in you - your resilience, your character, your boundaries, your kindness, your compassion for yourself. None of that comes from him.

I don't know what to say about the cheating - cheats cheat because there's an opportunity and they take it, and they lie to their partners about it.

But the fact that you apologised to keep the peace, shows there was an imbalance in the relationship where you had to be submissive to avoid confrontation. So even if he's living it up now, you're better off going through this hurt than being with him in that type of relationship.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 28/07/2023 22:37

@TattoedLady thankyou 🤍

OP posts:
trixylittlehobbit · 29/07/2023 20:08

I would say you’ve got through the hardest week, you haven’t crumbled and gone running to him, you’ve stayed strong!
Well done, pleased for you…it’s so easy to chase what’s familiar but you are riding it out!
I bet it feels like the longest week of your life? Things will get so much better for you! Stay this strong!

Original poster
babygirl88 · 29/07/2023 20:25

@trixylittlehobbit its been the longest week ever. id never chase him, never have, never would and id never go back after that. i wouldve liked an apology but its never gonna come. i miss him but i dont even know what i miss anymore as i feel like i dont even know him after last week. the shocks worn off and im just nothingy atm. thanks for checking in x

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 29/07/2023 20:39

cant believe ive made it though tbh. friday last week i wouldve bet my life it was gonna kill me, the pain i felt

OP posts:
Damnedidont · 29/07/2023 22:03

Keep going lovely lady You are stronger than you know

Original poster
babygirl88 · 29/07/2023 22:18

@Damnedidont thankyou 🧡

OP posts:
supersop60 · 29/07/2023 22:20

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do this.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 29/07/2023 23:05

@supersop60 thankyou x

OP posts:
trixylittlehobbit · 30/07/2023 08:31

Morning! Hope you’ve got lots planned for this week. Keep busy and all that! At any moment he could come crawling out from under his stone and reach out. Make sure you’re mentally prepped in case he does. We all hope he stays away so you don’t have to clap eyes on him ever again, but there may be a time your paths cross, and we are all rooting for you to hold your head up high girl!
Have you still got his stuff in your house? Or did you bag it all?

Fushia123 · 30/07/2023 09:05

Hang in there Babygirl88.
you are stronger than you think - you’ve shown us all.
Don’t underestimate the benefit of self care. Shower/ bath or regular washes. Clean clothes - hand wash a T-shirt if that’s all that you can manage.
An apple and crackers or toast - simple but regular.
Keep going..l. Little by little and things will get better.
Thanks for your update - been thinking about how you are. X

Original poster
babygirl88 · 30/07/2023 12:50

@trixylittlehobbit @Fushia123 he had a few bits here but i threw them. he wont care anyway. he can obviously discard things easily, including me. I managed to eat a banana and some carrotts yesterday afternoon and im back on top of the housework. Just inside my brain and heart are the mess. Keep circulating the same thoughts over and over, its so horrible. Wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 30/07/2023 19:49

Can someone say something nice or helpful ☹️ i went for a 2 hour massage thinking it would cheer me up and it was just 2 hours of me replaying last friday in my head. Was sobbing by the time i got to the car and back to a silent empty house 😞

OP posts:
Poppercorn · 30/07/2023 20:17

Hey, hope you're OK. This is the worst time but you will move on from this.
Can you visit some family for a change of scenery? Or could you join a local club for people to talk to? 💐

Damnedidont · 30/07/2023 20:23

You are right. It is an addiction and you have just gone cold turkey. I'm sorry but the truth is it's going to be really crap for a good while. But it will get easier. And you know you are doing the right thing. What you need is to keep busy and try to get a change of scene - ideally somewhere that is not associated with him. It's early days. Hang in there lovely. You've got this