Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

@NoraButty honestly same, i know he was flawed but i really did think he was the best. Sad. I knew my parents dynamic wasnt perfect but i always thought it was a measure of how much my mum loved him, rather than what an arsehole my dad was to her. She wasted 40 years married to him before she passed and she was probably never happy at all let alone felt peace. Luckily im not financially dependent or tied with children.

Ive ordered lots of supplements so my immune system doesnt go to shit aswell, at least until my appetite comes back.

This is what pisses me off so much. Same as yours, we had a long separation and within minutes of someone spotting me (id changed my number and moved), he drove to see me and said he never stopped missing or loving me. I was wary and didnt really reciprocate and he just never left alone since.

The silence is predictable, he likes to really upset me, disappear then pop up and say 'i was giving you time to calm down' and then crack a joke like nothing ever happened. But now he has a back up lady, i dont see that happening and i hope he doesnt.

Even if i dont get the last laugh and he ends up happier than me, my conscience is clear. Its not much but im a better person than he is.

Praying karma is real.

I'm a Psychotherapist who treats PTSD daily. Please understand that as traumatised as you feel this is a NORMAL reaction to a devastating life change. The constant reminders, rumination, worrying, panic, tearfulness etc. All totally normal and will likely subside with time and processing. So please normalise this and don't read into PTSD.

Focus on what you can do now:

• Self-care - eating little and often, keeping hydrated, trying to get some sleep, gentle exercise like a walk, showering and changing clothes etc.
• Support - from us, from close friends and family. I know you're probably sick of thinking about it let alone talking but talking helps the brain process things that happen as well as our emotions.
• Keep busy but not too busy - refocusing your attention away from constant thoughts and memories is helpful as it can feel like a never ending loop. On the other hand, forcing yourself to constantly be busy is avoidance and may just leave you feeling drained.
• Reading - some light reading will help. Fiction or something factual.
• Mindfulness and Relaxation strategies can really help. The key with them is practice. The Headspace and CALM apps are great. Tonnes of stuff on YouTube too. Really helpful to use these strategies when you feel very overwhelmed, tense or anxious.

When the time is right, seek some counselling to heal. You had a long relationship that has ended very abruptly and in a shocking way. Allow yourself proper time to heal gradually from this. It can't be rushed unfortunately.

But remember that everyday that goes by, is a day closer of healing. You will get there. Time to put you first and don't look back. Really wish you the very best x

Thank you for this. I dont want anyone to think I put myself in the category of PTSD as i dont want to disrespect those who've had a real life long trauma and alot worse happen to them than an arsehole boyfriend. Ive obviously broken up with him a few times before so the break up feeling i can kind of sit with, its because i saw something i didnt want to see - along with the questions that come with what i saw.

Im quite avoidant as a person, eg if i found a lump, id never feel it again and would never go to the doctor or mention it. Same with anything that can upset me as im very sensitive and not strong as a person. So to have seen something, is my worst thing. I wish i had that men in black flasher thing that wipes your memory!

Your advice is really useful. If you have any tips to find therapists in my area/ what to look for that would be helpful.

Following this since you posted, been through almost identical situation many years ago. I know it's way too early but you will get through this shit eventually. You absolutely deserve better. Has he tried at all to get in touch with you? Will you actually have to deal with him at some point (if I read correctly you have an investment together?)

Be kind to yourself as much as you can, you've had a proper shock x

Ah im sorry. Cant believe how many people have been in this position. I feel so comforted hearing people coming out the other end. No contact at all. He def replied that night but id already blocked him as i was just gonna hear lies or get abuse.

The business is pretty sound, we both gave an amount to someone to start a business and we get a percentage each month so nothing needed between either of us as its to a 3rd party.

No of course not just don't want you to think you'll feel this way for eternity!

It's incredibly cruel. The worst pain. Almost physical. Wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

You may be able to access counselling through your local Wellbeing Team/IAPT service. Every county and borough has one. You can access through your GP or you can google and self refer. They often provide only CBT but some provide counselling or will refer/signpost you to counselling. But as it's through the NHS it would only be short term counselling 6-8 sessions with specific criteria and there is often a wait list, which to be fair, isn't a bad idea to have to wait. The reaction is to want help now but often in the case of a huge life change and adjustment, the counselling is the most beneficial a few months along the line after the initial adjustment and shock.

You can access private counselling by contacting a local counsellor directly:

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7bvQueOqgAMVQeztCh0uuAh3EAAYASAAEgLQ6PD_BwE

You can also access relationship specific counselling through RELATE:

www.relate.org.uk/

They provide counselling for every kind of relationship and problem. From spouses to siblings and parent/child relationships to affairs, abuse, co parenting etc.

When the time is right have a look into it. Honestly, therapy is one of the healthiest things ANYONE can do ever, especially after a horrible break up like this x

Ok that's something at least, there will probably be a time when he tries again to slither back in. Please try your best to remember your worth!

I was with someone from 15 to late 20s, literally grew up together knew nothing but him. Thought we were 100% solid and although some of my friends and family didn't think much of him, I knew him better than anyone and we were absolutely forever. We broke up a couple of times and he saw other people but I didn't. I was convinced I was the only one who really understood him and all that meant he would never hurt me...right?

I felt so stupid when it all came crashing down. I couldn't do anything, lost loads of weight, ended up having to leave my job as I couldnt cope.

Even after he married the other woman he still tried to pursue me. Followed me, randomly call me trying to meet (before blocking was a thing)

My whole identify was wrapped up in him and I'm not going to lie it took a long while for the gut punch feeling to go. Constantly feeling sad for the life I was supposed to have with him, all my childhood/teenage/early adult memories tied to him, obsessed with how it ended and how he could have been so cruel.

When I think of this person now, he absolutely makes my flesh crawl. I can't tell you how lucky I was to get out without marrying or having children with him. He cheated on his wife (the OW) left her with 2 children and went on to have more kids with different woman. I imagine the same is happening with this person.

I now have a relationship and family I wouldn't have even dreamt of back then, I'm so grateful.

It stings like an absolute mofo, you won't be able to get out of bed some days, some days you'll just stare at the wall but one day you will wake up and it will hurt a little less. You may not even notice, you'll go for more than an hour without the sharp intake of breath, the racing heart. I'm rambling but I know exactly where you're at.

Be kind to yourself, you've had a massive shock. It's going to be shit for a bit. Keep talking (here and in real life)

♥️

@Wat2do222 I'm glad you're the other side of it now! This is a story to keep OP @babygirl88

I read things like this and I think, no wonder there are so many older women in life who tell us to settle down older, once you've lived life and know who you are. When we're young we don't think like this. We can become enveloped in unhealthy relationships at the drop of a hat and before we've even had to to THINK and DECIDE. Years later when we're grown, we may think very differently.

I think I'll definitely talk to my girls about this. Whatever will be will be though I suppose. It's a reminder that no matter how 'mature' or 'smart' we think we are, love and lust can still be out Achilles heel and it can bloody hurt!

Wow.. very similar situation! Im shocked.
The no blocking in those days made me laugh because i went through that phase with him too, he just used to call my landline 😂

And so many similar behaviours and things you said. Even how you said people didnt like him as you were the only one to understand him.. couldve written that myself. And like you said, its the loss of identity as its all you've known. The weightloss 😥 im only 7 stone, i drop weight really fast and my younger break up with him i didnt eat for 13 days and i went to 5 and a half stone, im really short but still, very unhealthy when the other person is stuffing their face and sleeping like normal.

I just keep trying to focus on the parts of his personality which will never change. He was so selfish i used to think, if i get pregnant, go into labour and call him, he wont answer and if he'd call me back he'd say 'well im with the boys, ill come when im done, stop being annoying' i dont deserve that. I also used to worry about if the our kids wouldnt be athletic, or that if i had a girl instead of a boy, he'd blame me. Not to mention if his sleep got disturbed. Things that you shouldnt be genuinely scared of, i was. He had some really horrible ways tbh but i keep flipping between the good and the bad. The thought of someone having the good parts of him makes me want to jump out the window but the good doesnt last very long with him. He'll be hard pressed to find anyone who'd cope with all the shit he did and still love him the same.

Thanks for sharing, these stories help so much x

@scoobysnaxx its so true. i was years deep into a relationship before my brain was even fully developed. add in following the only example i saw of my parents, sprinkle of a toxic culture of women staying quiet and being a pushover in love with someone like him, it was a recipe for disaster. Ive actually realised so much in a few days. I always thought aslong as i have him, i can manage. I dont want to just manage. Scared if i dont look nice enough or say no, he'll leave. I did everything right on paper to keep him and he still left.'the feeling of rejection is hard to stomach aswell.

Thank you for the links, browsing them x

@babygirl88 that is very real but harsh lesson 'I did everything right to keep him but he still left'

Its not supposed to be like that, where we got that twisted along the way I don't know but I know I've never let it happen again.

These types of men want it all, there is something missing in their souls. Obviously I'm a stranger on the Internet but from your descriptions this man did not seem to possess many redeeming qualities.

@scoobysnaxx this is so important, teaching kids self esteem and that our self worth should not depend on another person's moods or actions is invaluable.

You're right. Nearly everyone here has been right however they worded it. I feel like ive been a duck, i looked like i was gliding along in the water but the feet underneath were frantic.

Dont call or text, he'll get annoyed. Dont ask basic questions, dont get lazy or he'll think this, dont talk back cos he'll see you as hard word. So in the end i was always waiting for a good mood and green light for him, all dependent on how he was to me, then i could act accordingly. Once i said id missed him after a day or 2 and he called me a freak, so never again did i say i missed him. But he would suffocate me saying he missed me and literally get on the floor to kiss my feet, other days id sneeze and he'd be fuming. I became nonchalant on the outside but inside wasnt a nice place to be.

vm.tiktok.com/ZGJqHYdDy/

OP, I just want to say that I have been in a similar situation to you, and I had not felt a love like it. It was intoxicating and he made me feel so happy in many ways but he could drop me when something happened in his life, and I would be left hanging. We came back together again and again over decades, with him finishing things in a moment, and then leaving me for 6 months till I was about to move on and then he'd come back again, and the circumstances would be slightly different so we would try again.

You are now seeing things differently and are realising that you deserve so much more. I am 5 years down the line and am with a man, who also has his flaws but I know would be there for me in a shot if I needed him. It's a calmer love, and somehow more real. The relationship I had before was always at arms length, on his terms, and absolutely broke me over and over again. Once my eyes were opened to the reality of him, and what he could actually offer me I was able to wake up and move my life on.

@chemicalworld another great example to try my hardest to grow from this, thank you.

I had a couple missed calls today from unknown number. Ive not long changed my number so its unlikely to be anyone other than him. Tbh it made me even angrier if it was him. You hold a conversation with a woman in my house on my birthday weekend, and i get a couple calls 5 days after a huge thing thing when you've known me for 2 decades. I couldnt feel less important. I cant believe this is my life tbh

@chemicalworld these guys all sound like clones of eachother and the effects they had on us all identical. Even the words people are using to describe their experiences are like, yep, felt that one too. Intoxicating ✅

He doesn't contact you immediately, because he presumes you will always be there, and he is waiting for the dust to settle so he didn't have to deal with the immediate fall out. He hasn't cared for your feelings, it's about him and what he feels he can deal with. A decent man would a) not be messaging someone else, and giving them easily the things he withholds from you and b) would be falling over himself to make sure you knew he was sorry. It's not you. It's him.

My ex would do the same, not get in contact after dropping a bombshell, it would be months later and he would start liking photos on my instagram, or responding to my family on facebook so I would see him. I eventually decided the game was over and blocked him on everything, and asked my family to do the same so he couldn't cowardly wheedle his way back into my life and mind again.

Your posts show me that you are opening your eyes, this is good!

@chemicalworld yep, same again, i even wrote earlier on that he normally does something then waits a while before creeping in again. Im not allowing it this time.l, i normally donas i dont see the point in a grudge over things that wont affect me forever but not this time. this is probably the first time ive been angry in 5 days. A couple calls? After what you did? What an arsehole honestly. You should be outside trying to apologise to me, his work is all in my area and he passes mine all the time. My heart is racing

OP I'm sorry if I came across harshly a couple of days back. I think I was furious with him on your behalf.

I was in a long term really abusive relationship, physical in the end. It ended when we were in a cafe abroad and he told me he'd met the woman of his dreams...and then pointed at the waitress (yup!). She looked like my double. In that moment I felt as though the ground beneath me shifted. We finished our holiday because we couldn't fly home early and after I dropped him at his door we never spoke again. I didn't sleep for weeks, I didn't eat, I couldn't function. I had to rebuild myself, without him and without his influence and without any answers. I was a couple of years younger than you at the time, but not much.

It took me months to realise the extent of the damage that relationship caused (I think because I felt so much shame and thought I was to blame for how I was treated). I had to come to terms with a lot of stuff I passed off as 'normal' and really struggled to acknowledge that most of the behaviours in the relationship were abusive. And in some twisted way I felt like I was betraying him if I told anyone what he did. Needless to say it took some time to recover! But I have fully recovered and I have a wonderful partner now.

So I can promise you this - this, what you are going through now, it isn't your life. It's just a chapter. It's a shit chapter but the next one will be better. And you will come through stronger.

For your anxiety and racing heart - look up guided 4-4-4-4 breathing techniques on youtube, CBD is great stuff and maybe consider acupuncture if you're struggling with sleep.

@TattoedLady i get it. ive read threads even today where you just want to shake the poster and say 'what are you thinking' but its easy when not invloved, even if you've been through similar in the past.

your experience was awful, im sorry. id almost prefer if the girl looked like me lol, the one i saw on the phone couldnt be further from me or what he always said he liked. mine was physical in the early days too but as that changed and stopped, i believed everything else could too.

Ive been reading a bit today and have learn that ive been doing a lot of behaviour which can be linked with addiction; hiding things, feeling shame and guilt - similar to an alcoholic hiding drink and lying about it, but mine was about my relationship. I never told anyone the stuff he did. Put up and shut up or leave mentality and even though i did leave many times, it was at times when i was literally ill from the guy and i had to.

Ive been very defensive and protective as i honestly didnt put a foot wrong to him and ive never really heard feedback due to never actually telling people anything.

Today is a weird one. I actually slept for hours last night. I woke up. I dont feel sad and i dont feel angry. I dont feel anything at all. I havent moved from my bed again, still havent eaten. Just brain dead watching terrible shows. I feel numb

I think that's very normal

It's your body's way of protecting you