Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

@babygirl88

Ohhhhhh this speaks volumes!!!!

He had a lot of traits like my dad

No wonder you are so enmeshed.

That pain felt so familiar to you.

I have been there, and chose men who had traits exactly like my Dad, too.

Get that book! It will help you understand yourself more.

@oakleaffy books arriving today. Cant wait to read it

@oakleaffy yea the similarities of my parents relationship are uncanny to mine. you either do the opposite or follow suit and i did the latter.

Been following your thread over the last few days. So sorry you are going through this.
Sending hugs.

Self~awareness is the key 🎯..You are young enough to realise and still live a good life going forwards.

You clearly do have the nous to recognise that you were echoing your parent's own dysfunctional relationship.

Heck, I feel like re~reading 'Women who love too much'...😂

I did some group therapy work years ago, and the group consensus was ''You are a rescuer''..and they gave me instances of it.

Others were 'Victims' where nothing was ever their fault

The group analysis wasn't comfortable to listen to {for anyone!}- but was very accurate.

I was trying to 'Rescue' and make right other's pain , maybe trying to solve my own.
Sounds like you were trying to 'Fix' and save this man...But people can only 'Save' themselves.

You are on your healing journey.

Thank you. I feel like ive written a terrible rom com tbh, cant believe what's happened. I keep having little pangs of pain when i find a belonging of his and reminders. Gonna take a long time to process.

It will take time- But don't allow yourself to be reeled back in!

They tend to wait a while, then if they are at a low point, they want to come back to ''Faithful'' .

Often if they themselves have been cheated on...can you believe the cheek of it!

Don't fall for it.. They will be equally unfaithful in future.

So sorry this has happened, it is devastating. My ex was also shit at keeping in contact, but has to phone and text his now gf all the time to prove he's not doing something he shouldn't, the problem of making your affair partner into your partner is they know all the shit they had to do to hide them in the first place.

Oh and the pain goes, i promise, it takes time but it goes.

I had a busyish morning but any time i stop being 100% busy, im just met with anxiety and the thoughts start spiralling, then my breathing goes funny, heart races. Im hurt and confused. Is he going to be nice to someone else? It was just me? Theres only so much i can keep busy, im also running on empty, had no attempt at an apology, reminders everywhere and a broken heart. Thank you @Smooshface

Im still literally stunned 4 days later. Feel like ive been on airplane mode since

I feel really inferior and shit. Knocked my confidence. Just want to sleep.

Get a bath and an early night. Sleep well. When you wake up tomorrow, put your war paint on and go again. You'll get there.

When my sister got the 'there's someone else' speech, she was in utter shock like you. Reliving the moment, shaking, sobbing, vomiting. After about 2 weeks if thinking she was going mad she went to a therapist who told her that she effectively had PTSD. She had some EMDR therapy which calmed her down and enabled her to start getting on with her life.

Just a thought.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other

@supersop60 i think it is def traumatised me. sounds so stupid but i cant even look at the sofa because thats where i was sat when i saw his phone, im walking in the room and not looking that direction and i chucked the charger that it was plugged into - stupid cos it was mine, but im just trying to rid anything from that day. I dont how to even start to find therapists but i think it could be something that im going to need.

@JudyEdithPerry i have gone to write a things down a few times but i dont think im ready, it makes me feel really overwhelmed. Like you said, it was a long time, a big shock and very recent. I will listen to the link you provided, thank you so much x

Hi, OP.
Then maybe what you need right now is to be very gentle with yourself. Give yourself lots of pampering, TLC, be very kind to yourself.
Don't think or worry about tomorrow or next. Just focus on the next hour.

When those feelings occur, do what you need to do to manage it. If it's to cry, curl in a ball, just sit and stare for sometime..whatever it is just do it. Once the feeling if panic passes, give yourself a treat. Whatever makes you feel good. A bubble bath, mindless TV binge-watching, aimless scrolling on the Internet, funny YouTube shorts videos, music...whatever it is. Give yourself permission to not be 100%. Or even 60%.
You are still in shock.

Keep hydrated, eat regularly even when you don't feel like it. Someone gave me this advice when my marriage ended. I thought it was a rubbish advice . I was surprised that it did make a difference.

If you need some time off work, ask for it. Don't feel bad about it.

Sending you strength.
You will come out the other side. 20 years is a long time, you will need time to get through the shock.

He is such a cheating c*nty bastard!! How utterly selfish and fucking self absorbed to treat you like that. I know you blocked him, but for him not to even bother trying to find some other way to contact you to apologise for being a selfish lying deceitful prick and for hurting you, I can understand how that only adds to you feeling like you were nothing to him, unimportant and replaceable, leading to you tormenting yourself further. I imagine this just adds to the torment 'If I meant something he would try'.
You have shown him you are beautiful, dependable, loyal and all the other things that makes you LOVABLE. So clearly he is totally incapable of real love. You my lovely will move forward, at your own pace, and happiness and love will find you because you are worth it and you deserve it. And in time when you think back to him, it will be with feelings of relief and a sadness... not for you or the relationship that ge ruined, but for him. Because you know he, being someone so closed and self absorbed, will struggle to maintain a relationship with any proper meaning, plus his dick will develop gangrene, rot, turn black, shrivel up then fall off.

You really hit it all on the head. Tormented and unimportant is exactly right. Finding out was one blow and made me feel like utter fucking shit and question everything, but radio silence after. Id honestly feel better if he shouted at me for looking at his phone or SOMETHING. Just nothing? I feel embarassed.

It doesnt make sense. He always said i was the best of the best, a different calibre of woman, we have a deep bond. I dont even know what true anymore.

@Itistimeandiamscared im trying as much as possible, thank you. Surviving on water and my vape atm, pretty sure if you cut me, just smoke would come out lol. Im shocked at how many people relate and have been through similar. Im really glad i started the thread tbh, its been really supportive as i dont have much in real life and tbh i dont want to tell anyone whats happened.

Im going to finish cleaning and then have a really long bath and scroll youtube. Thank you x

I just want to get the point where i feel peace. I cant remeber the last time i just felt that feeling. Yes he wasnt terrible every minute of the day but he was moody and unreliable and very chaotic, not to mention the most selfish person. I think my nervous system was on high alert alot and it just became normal life.

You are very likely suffering PTSD after living for so long with a narcissist parter like this.

You will find peace again, but it may take a long time {maybe as much as two years} before you really feel an equilibrium again.

A relative was cheated on, and it took him two years to find his feet emotionally again.

You will get there.

What you are feeling at the moment, feeling sick, looking at the place where you were when you found out,{the sofa} wanting to sleep all the time.. completely and utterly normal.
A tip a very experienced counsellor gave me when feeling overwhelmed and panicky was to Slow the out breath

When we begin to panic, our breathing gets fast and shallow.. so really slo-oo-oo-w down your out breath...it really does help.

You will grow from this, OP. 👍

@oakleaffy honestly, thank you. im working on my breath alot, im finding in the mornings mainly that im getting panicky and hyperventilating. I had to go to an appointment today so not much time to let it get out of hand. Omg, 2 years 😭😭 absolutely mad what heartbreak can do to people. So unfair isnt it.

You’ll probably hear and read about it taking X amount of time and, two years sounds about right / average for such a lengthy relationship but you won’t be feeling as you are now for two years, or even two months.

I’m 12 months post discovery and am unrecognisable from who I was this time last year. I look, act and most importantly I ‘feel’ different.

Similar to you, my poor choice of men stems from my parent’s behaviour / set up. Although, before discovery day I would have hand on heart sworn my ex was the best fella ever. The scales falling from your eyes is just the beginning.

So yes, two years sounds like forever BUT there is so much to be learned and gained within that time. This is your time, to discover who you are, find out what you like.

I read this quote the other day and it’s relevant…

”I had to make you uncomfortable, otherwise you never would have moved” ~ The Universe