Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

Then just hide the thread and carry on your day?

I dont think there are alot people ( i know one other) who can be put through so much and handle it with tbh, grace, hold no grudges, not throw things in their face, not drag up the past and maintain the love at the same level over such a length of time. Thats what i meant.

@babygirl88 yes cheating is unacceptable, absolutely agree with you there. But you deserve a lot more from a relationship than a partner who doesn't cheat. And it's OK to decide what you want from a relationship, ask for it and walk away if the other person doesn't want the same.

This book helped me understand what I want from a relationship and how to ask for it: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-After-Pathological-Relationship-Adelyn/dp/1523368829?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=8a890da9-a52c-40cb-9e8f-b8124b4c56e6

Not everyone wants the same things from a relationship and if you want different things then it's OK to walk away.

From what you've written he sounds like a narcissist to me. I don't believe it's possible to be in a healthy relationship with a narcissist, whether they are cheating or not. At the best it will just waste your time, at the worst it will destroy your mental health and self esteem.

But you shouldn't have to handle so much, that's the point. I'm not blaming you for doing so, I've put up with terrible behaviour from ex partners in the past. But life is so much nicer when you don't have to, when you can put your own needs first. So much calmer, so much less stress.

@SquirrelMadness thank you. have alot of books to read. i obviously have boundary issues and am a bit of a push over and like to keep the peace. Childhood trauma probably. Unfortunately, i havent seen reciprocation and am left now thinking whether it was just the wrong person or the wrong way to be in general.

@SquirrelMadness i agree and appreciate your wording

I think it's more likely to be the wrong person rather than the wrong way to be. I'm also a bit of a push over, I dont like confrontation and I like to keep people happy. I'm a people pleaser. My current partner is often telling me to stop apologising and to stop putting him first. If you have a tendency to put other people first then you need someone who doesn't take advantage of that, and who reminds you to take care of yourself too. And I'm sure you will find that, it's not too late. I met my current partner when I was in my late 30s.

@SquirrelMadness i need alot of self love and work to put in, in order to grow from this. I am obviously flawed in ways i didnt think were bad as i wasnt hurting anyone apart from me. You get no trophies for high tolerance and keeping quiet..

@babygirl88 you don't get trophies for tolerance and keeping quiet unfortunately, but be kind to yourself - you're not flawed! Life will just be much nicer for you if you can put yourself first a little bit more.

I had to learn that lesson the hard way too so you are really not the only one.

But why would you allow yourself to "be put through so much"??? What have you actually ever got out of this relationship? You've been putting up, shutting up, holding no grudges and the rest, all while letting this arsehole treat you like shit? You're like a little loyal puppy dog just waiting to be kicked in the face? All the while seeing yourself as some sort of tragic romantic heroine!

You remind me of the line from Othello, as someone "who loved not wisely but too well"!!! And that was him trying to justify why he murdered Desdemona! You need to let the scales drop from your eyes.

You have to learn to see this man for who he really is, and I don't think you will ever be able to do that without professional support.

It's not that you're "flawed". You've essentially been groomed.

@allmyliesaretrue why keep asking OP why she put herself through so much? These men don't just walk up at the beginning saying "hey I'm going to cheat on you and treat you like shit, do you fancy a relationship".

In going to focus on your current position.

Would you like to live with a partner?
Would you like to be married?
Would you like to have a family?

If so, you've been in this on off relationship, (the latest on for 6 years) since you were about 18. It's been off & on, you're not cohabiting, you haven't gotten engaged, you haven't gotten married, you've not had any kids ... You e now discovered he's been cheating on you.

It hadn't really gone anywhere, it hasn't progressed, you've now found out he cheats on you.

Are you getting what you want out of this relationship with this man??

You are 35.

Your fertility is hitting the gradual but speeding up slope towards infertility now. Most women are ok til 39, but the ease of getting pregnant and the pregnancy sticking etc is reducing. By 42, some women are infertile. By 45, most.

This man sounds like some kind of sociopath or narcissist. You're wondering why he doesn't care m/isn't showing you he cares while you "starving, crying" etc but you've already told us he has no empathy and seems to act very risky and disrespectfully and cavalierly towards his friends, fanily and even clients whose money is his income.

You don't have the time to analyse him.

You don't have the time to fuck around if you want a marriage a family etc with a better person.

You don't have any more time to waste if you want a family.

Get out and meet other men, after reading those books.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket with that sociopath ...... He's certainly not putting all his eggs in one basket, is he now??!!

Your life turn out very differently if you get off his hook and go and have fun, meet people, and try to meet another partner.

*act very rudely and disrespectfully and cavalierly towards his friends, family and even clients whose money is his income.

Oh and you seem to have a misconception about how women (or anyone) gets treated well and gets what they want in life ....
You don't get it by being endlessly supportive, and endlessly forgiving and endlessly tolerant, and endlessly "good" to them. If only.
That doesn't get you treated well with ordinary (not even particular bad) people, it's gets you treated like absolute shite by people like him.

By all means have integrity, but integrity is not being a martyr or doormat.

You need to be getting your needs met too.

I should add; you probably thought all these years was an investment, that you'd end up having kids together, maybe getting married sooner or later.

And maybe you still could, if he chooses to stay with you ...... But what will you be marrying/having kids with;

• He doesn't treat you well (he doesn't treat anyone well really, by the sounds of it).
• you now know he cheats
• he sounds very selfish (the worst possible character trait when you have kids with someone
• I think you mentioned him being horrible to/about kids in your family; another character trait that you don't want in your family life
• he's untrustworthy
• he's dishonest

Why condemn yourself and your potential kids to a life of that when there are better people out there. It won't be a hally life, it won't be a good life, and you've only got one.

Glad to hear you’ve managed to eat and shower. Take it one day at a time x

Because genius it's very obvious that this thing that calls himself a man has been obnoxious all along and OP has accepted it all this time.

In case you are still struggling with comprehension, the point I am making is that she can put all of the past together and see it for what it was, and she should never consign herself to that again.

Comprendez!?

It's really early days...
you need far more time to process this

You’re suffering from shock and loss babygirl88 so be kind and gentle to yourself.

Try to eat good fresh foods, get some fresh air, open your curtains and windows, bathe yourself and wear fresh clothes. It’s time to after yourself now!

For the ruminating, decide on a set time each day you will allow yourself to think / process these thoughts. If they come into your head when it’s not time ‘make them’ go away. Put music on, get up and move, clean, paint your nails, read, anything but think about him when it’s not your allocated time slot. It’s not easy but with practice you’ll get there.

It’s worth writing the thoughts down too, like some sort of magic, once they’re on paper they are out of your head. At least for a little while.

Good luck to you. You have a whole new, better, life ahead and that’s actually really quite exciting.

@babygirl88 7Eleven is right.

It Isn't you
Nothing you could have done could have prevented this.

He's a faithless, selfish, using narcissist, the sooner your book arrives ''Women who love too much'', the better.

You say you had a dream of him? Totally normal. It's your brain trying to process what happened.

You are having a stress response. You WILL recover.

It takes time.

Never let this toxic man back into your life- you need to look after yourself, and this means not allowing him back in to your life when {which is likely} he will try 'Hoovering' you back in when he is lonely, or bored, or wants support, or fancies sex.

I hope your book arrives soon!

Chin up! 🌸

@babygirl88 Look how many women are supporting you...Women who have walked this path before you, and got over it.

Listen to their advice and experiences- As I too listened to advice when it happened to me {no laptop them as so long ago!}

One day it will be you advising others, as you have also walked the path, and will see the light.
You deserve a better life- This pathetic man cannot give you that.

Focus on yourself for a while

Thank you all @oakleaffy @NoraButty @Tilllly im taking in all your advice and really do appreciate the kindness, honestly. It is early days. I wish it was late days cos this is so draining.

Today was a hard one, everyone at work asking how my celebratory weekend was so that was a bit shit. Had to gather myself a few times but I didnt cry. He is ingrained in all areas of my life and i have reminders everywhere.

Its going to be slow and i have behaviours that i need to alter in myself so i dont allow people like this around me again, but if everyone else can bounce back, then so can I. Xx

Its not my loss.

Yes gal.

It is not your loss!!

Everyday that goes by, is a day more of healing, even when it doesn't feel like it.

You will come out on top. He'll just be left with egg on his face!

You're right. He had alot of traits like my dad which could make quite a bad atmosphere in the house. I would always wonder how the stress of children or even my figure changing would affect HIM or how he'd be during this time, rather than thinking about it as something to look forward to together. Im lucky we didnt have children.