Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

I am sorry OP I spoke out of turn, I will move on.

@ATadGrumpy firstly you should swap usernames with the other lady😂 but thank you.

I probably did love him unconditionally like a mother and child. I still dont dislike him now, i never could but i have to stay away for my sanity. He did enough shit but i never had the worry of cheating, thats my limit. I always trusted him but i never could now. Everything else he did was in our years long break, fine i dont care. Not this one. Ill always love him but ill never go back.

Hope each day gets a tiny bit better than the day before for you.
I found a good place to cry was in the shower! Had a damn good sob, and washed it away!
I was just thinking, you mentioned having a good friend… I’m very selective with friends too, and didn’t have a long list of people I could call when my shit hit the fan 4 years ago. So I kept it to myself for a while, knowing my friends were busy etc etc, but when I did share, although I felt shit/embarrassed/stupid listening to them slag him off, because like you said, part of you still loves him, I needed to be reminded….lots of times. Reminded he was the shit. He was the liar. He was the cheat. And I had to listen to it and not make excuses for him because it really was true.
Maybe now or soon, will be a good time to widen your circle of friends, join a gym, start something new. See this as a kick up the arse. Put yourself first. Join FB groups, decorate a room, just keep busy and productive. Please do not go into a dark lonely place. Get up, get showered, wear perfume just keep going, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Soon it’ll be weeks in the past, then months in the past, then years. I can look back now with no pain. I see him for what he is. I want no part of it. I deserved better. I won’t accept less. I would rather be on my own than living that life.

You deserve better too.
Remember, sob in the shower, then head up high girl!

@trixylittlehobbit you'll be pleased to hear i bathed 😂 i am normally in the bath for 2/3 hours a night so to have sat in the same spot since friday was getting a bit disgraceful. I didnt cry but im sure i will later.

Im lucky to have the friend i do, she's worth 10 people and has a very similar nature to me so understands my tolerance and why im so forgiving. She voice noted me a motivational speech aswell lol.

I do usually go to the gym everyday but i know what im like when im down, my appetite goes out the window and im only 7stone with low blood pressure so im steering clear for now. Nobody wants a crying fainted lady on the floor lol.

Ive made a list of things i wanted to get done over the next few and my nephews off school now so i will have him alot to keep me busy.

Im still having the replay of me looking like an absolute dickhead dressed up and discovering the message. My body freezes every time i think about it, then the questions start again. Currently rewatching old love island series back to back to take my mind off it but still sticking to my side of the bed for some reason ☹️

I guess the difficulty OP is that you put your breakup out there for public consumption and the narrative around your relationship isn't very nice to read.

And all MN users have is the narrative, without context - you've variously described being with him as a "mind fuck", the relationship as "very on and off", you "hanging around like fucking puppet for two decades", him "dragging you through hell" and yourself as having "shut your mouth" and "given up asking to be prioritised". It's not great.

Anyone who's reacting to that narrative, is probably just hoping that some straight talking will bolster your resolve to not go back to him if, as you've described previously, he comes begging.

On sticking to your side of the bed - I bought a new duvet cover when I ended a crappy relationship. It kinda helped me feel like I was reclaiming my bed.

@TattoedLady I just personally couldnt add harsh comments to someone who was obviously hurting. (But then maybe thats why im stifling, a loser, delusional, a clinger, weak etc 🙄) All her comments were questioning my character and insinuating how i acted and his reasoning. They werent in keeping with trying to 'keep me away from him' they were slandering me by assumption, like why he got a house for investment. Was ridiculous. Theres tact and sensitivity. Not everyone responds to 'tough love' (even though thats not what it was) in a positive way, everyone is different and its quite obvious im soft natured. You cant apply one box fits all approaches to everyone you meet because 'it doesnt upset 1 so shouldnt upset 2'. Its a sensitive time and was not needed. But then im a pushover, what do i know.

I get i put it out there. I asked for it to be removed but they wouldnt as so many people took time to reply. But i said i was alone and seeking comfort. Call him a cunt, no problem, not me.

Im gonna buy new pillows and bedding. I dont know why but i will.

I get it, you're feeling all the feels that are expected when you've been blind-sided. But I have to say, it's not obvious that you're soft natured - you called a PP a pr*ck! That's some language for a soft-natured person! If anything you sound strong but sad, hurt and fearful because he's finally done something there's no coming back from. And that's normal - he was such a huge part of your life for so long, there's a gap to fill and grieving to go through.

Having said all that, no PP has called you stifling, loser, delusional, clinger, weak and most certainly not a c*nt.

Then you havent read closely enough. Thanks.

How's this turned into an OP bashing thread?
How clingy or not is irrelevant, she could have been the worst clingy girlfriend ever (I didn't read it like you were OP), he didn't say he wanted to break up, he was there to celebrate her birthday quite happily and she finds out he's cheating. That's the crux, he was cheating, in no way was it OPs fault, it's a choice he made.
Language used? Good grief, the rhetoric I used when I found out my OH was a cheating swine was emotive and extreme because I was shocked and hurting.
Perhaps let's excuse the cheat a little less and support the OP while they get over the shock.

Nobody has excused the cheating. He's been called a loser, a dickhead, an asshole, deficient, pathetic, immature, isn’t worth it, complete waste of space, a c.u.nt, sociopath and scum.

The language I referred to was OP calling another poster a prick, and then describing herself a wanker, cu.nt etc (as though other posters had used that language against her).

People are caring enough to try to get through to this lovely woman that she doesn't deserve this crap!

Op did nothing to deserve this. If she was an awful, clingy, desperate monster he could leave!

He is a cake eater. Relationships cannot provide 100% of anyone’s needs. If you are lucky they may meet 80% of your needs. Mr cake eater thought he deserved extra. But he didn’t want the op to also have extra (hence he hid his lying cheating ways from her). He hid it because he knew it was unacceptable and he no doubt didn’t want her to join the cheating party he was having his extra fun at.

Op I really hope you are okay. Read the book love yourself like your life depends on it. Write a list of things you enjoy and try and do three a day.

The recurrent thought you are having - let it replay over and over. Cry and scream if you need to but you need to go through it. I am sorry and I hope you are as okay as you can be. He doesn’t deserve you. He is not a prize.

@Bananabedhead @Tresto @allmyliesaretrue thank you all. Appreciate it x

Had a dream about him last night ☹️

People love to blame the victim and claim they would never end up in a relationship where they're treated badly. When I had a similar experience I was made to feel like I was crazy, clingy, weak, delusional etc. Which is absolutely not true and it was very upsetting.

Reality is that anyone can end up being betrayed and cheated on and the blame lies entirely with the person doing the cheating.

Strong boundaries can help you find a more loving partner yes but we are all vulnerable to being conned. And when it comes to boundaries, it's definitely a good idea to work out how to improve them for the future. But don't blame someone for not having them from the start. Often it's the most loving, empathetic people who struggle with enforcing boundaries.

The only reason I kept advising OP to not go back is that I know from experience how addictive some manipulative and dishonest men can be. Not because I think she is weak.

@SquirrelMadness that is correct. People feel (or hope) they can control being cheated on. That a good relationship can prevent it happening. It’s why counsellors sometimes talk about what was missing In the marriage. Err usually only one cheated both were in the marriage. And a betrayed spouse feels like absolute shit, hurt, sad, traumatised (PISD is real) but they don’t usually go and cheat.

Sadly my 40 plus years on the planet in a job which involves talking to all sorts of people has taught me people are very complex and a good marriage won’t prevent a cheater.

Because of this I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater always a cheater’. I think people can change and they can become good partners. But they need to really understand themselves and choose to change for themselves (not for anyone else). They need to fix their hole and their issues.

I won’t cheat because I choose not to. I have had plenty of opportunity during my marriage but I just wouldn’t. Even if I’m arguing or low or fed up or drunk or angry or resentful. It’s not because of him it’s because of me. I would feel like a piece of shit and I don’t want that for myself. I have to look at myself in the mirror and live with myself for the rest of my days. (Maybe I’m too selfish to cheat 😂). I have plenty of faults already I’m not adding another problem to my list!

I think what i find most traumatising is the effort. I believe people can have a slip of morals in certain impulsive situations and act out of character. The fact at some point there was an interest, names and number exchanged and communication established. Im sobbing again thinking about it all. If he came and said, 'i got pissed and slept with someone' id find it alot easier than what happened on friday.

There was intent and decisions and premeditation. Its unforgiveable. I dont know how people do these things to someone who doted on them and rest at night.

Devestated.

You’re focusing too much on your behaviour in the relationship and not enough on his.

It’s irrelevant how well you treated him. It will have likely played no part in his decision to behave like he did.

It’s completely reasonable that you’re upset. Try not fall down a rabbit hole of bitterness and self pity. The only person that will hurt is you. He doesn’t give a shit.

Im not. I never said he owed me to love me the way i did because he never did anyway, not many can love the way i do. But everyone owes everyone to not betray them? Its easy not to betray. You just dont it.

Gently, I think you need to stop sensationalising this- "not many can love the way i do".

We are all capable of love. You need first of all to love yourself - to value yourself, to have dignity, self-esteem. The way you describe your relationship is like something out of a Mills and Boon novel!! It's not. You've unfortunately got involved with a narcissist, a user with no morals.

To "dote" on someone is not healthy. You really need therapy.

“Not many can love the way I do.” is a ridiculous thing to say.

Goodness me. I started out with loads of sympathy for you but statements like this are rapidly making me lose it.

I now wonder if he thought the relationship was a lot more casual than you did. You clearly have a very dramatic way of looking at life.