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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
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Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 15:30

@Tidsleytiddy i ate x thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 15:46

@Tilllly thank you x

OP posts:
Tilllly · 23/07/2023 15:59

@babygirl88

Just found ive been cheated on
oakleaffy · 23/07/2023 16:37

Well done @babygirl88 !
I’m so glad your nephew was there for you!

Onwards and upwards!
You deserve so much better!

Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 16:43

@oakleaffy @Tilllly thank you both. Really kind people x

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 23/07/2023 20:27

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:35

I'll probably get blasted for saying this but he does love me. I know he does. But over the years ive learnt that even if he loves me to his full capacity, it doesnt mean i always feel loved. He shows it differently. But in his own way he does so i accepted it.

I wish i could just understand his reasons so i could have some clarity but i will not.

If he met someone he liked. Ok. You dont want me. Ok. Just tell me. Im beyond reasonable and understanding.

Every reconciliation has been him, hand on my heart i have never ever once reached out to sort things even when ive been desperate. Why beg for my time just to waste it? Weeks months years later, he comes back with 'you're the one, you're the best, cant be without you' didnt feel like it last night mate

This prize king of cunts doesn't have any love to give you @babygirl88, I'm sorry. He is only capable of loving himself.

allmyliesaretrue · 23/07/2023 20:36

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 18:40

He's got zero conscience. He never has. Could do the worst things and not feel bad in the slightest. Im here starving with swollen eyes and gut wrenched and i just know he got more irritated that i mentioned something but fell fast asleep, got up for work and probably made plans for tonight while texting whoever.

And you know this and you still keep running back to him? This man is no good. He's a player, he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and he doesn't care what he has to do to get what he want! Why oh why would you be with a man with "zero conscience"?

Obviously I am a total stranger but my hackles are rising more and more with every comment you make about him. He is not a good person. He is not a decent man. He's lying, cheating, using, scum!

Did you ever discuss a future? Moving in together - getting engaged/married - having (or not) having a family? TG you didn't have children with him because this selfish prick will never ever be father material!

ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:00

Why are people making this poor woman feel like an idiot? Love does this, it's not stupidity but devotion. Misplaced or not, my heart goes out to you at this time. The absolute betrayal of giving your heart needs time to grieve. Be kind to yourself darling girl. There are no words right now to cover your pain, if I knew them I would share. Sending strength and hope your way so you can heal and begin your journey forwards. This is not your fault; loyalty should be rewarded and he has trampled on yours 😞

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:04

ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:00

Why are people making this poor woman feel like an idiot? Love does this, it's not stupidity but devotion. Misplaced or not, my heart goes out to you at this time. The absolute betrayal of giving your heart needs time to grieve. Be kind to yourself darling girl. There are no words right now to cover your pain, if I knew them I would share. Sending strength and hope your way so you can heal and begin your journey forwards. This is not your fault; loyalty should be rewarded and he has trampled on yours 😞

I hae to be harsh but it is kind of stupid devotion if OP getting treated badly by object of devotion. Check if it's two way before you devote yourself!

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:09

Not saying OP is stupid but there are a lot of dumb romantic notions about devotion etc. that can mess with your head and your heart. And if you are going to devote yourself to someone, maybe finding someone with an actual conscience might be a start!

Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 21:13

@ATadGrumpy thankyou. appreciate it x

OP posts:
ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:19

Sadly, love and devotion are not rational. People like this, who love completely, don't consider longevity or pain. They just love. It's not romantic/ romance and they have no control. They just love. I don't have this trait, but with my children. You can claim it's not the same but it is for some people. Let's just support this lovely lady for being who she is and how she feels. I would love to have somebody like her in my life.

DoubleTime · 23/07/2023 21:22

Call your friend. I know you said you don't want to burden her but you could text and say you are having a difficult time and would she be free for a chat on the phone ? Then when she calls you, tell her how you are feeling.

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:23

ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:19

Sadly, love and devotion are not rational. People like this, who love completely, don't consider longevity or pain. They just love. It's not romantic/ romance and they have no control. They just love. I don't have this trait, but with my children. You can claim it's not the same but it is for some people. Let's just support this lovely lady for being who she is and how she feels. I would love to have somebody like her in my life.

Yes this is the devotion and love that it is appropriate to have for your children - it will often be totally one sided. But it is totally inappropriate when dealing with a person you are are having a romantic relationship with. It's co-dependency and it's unhealthy.

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:25

Are you sure you would love to have somebody totally wrapped up in your life to the point that they couldn't imagine how they would spend their time without you? Wouldn't you find that stifling. It's not appropriate. I'm sorry to be harsh if you are reading this OP but am hoping it's cruel to be kind.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/07/2023 21:31

ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:19

Sadly, love and devotion are not rational. People like this, who love completely, don't consider longevity or pain. They just love. It's not romantic/ romance and they have no control. They just love. I don't have this trait, but with my children. You can claim it's not the same but it is for some people. Let's just support this lovely lady for being who she is and how she feels. I would love to have somebody like her in my life.

Some people want to support the OP more long-term by trying to urge her not to get back this man. Unfortunately, this seems possible - although I very much hope the OP is seeing the light, and even though that’s what she’s always done in the past, this time, she won’t. 🤞

The only way the OP is ever going to get better, move on, find happiness, get what she deserves, etc - is by leaving this man firmly in the past.

For many people - urging the OP towards this is a lot more productive than some flowery words.

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:33

Also isn't there an intrinsic bargain there - if I love you this much and do all this for you then you have to love me back. Is it really so selfless?

Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 21:33

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:25

Are you sure you would love to have somebody totally wrapped up in your life to the point that they couldn't imagine how they would spend their time without you? Wouldn't you find that stifling. It's not appropriate. I'm sorry to be harsh if you are reading this OP but am hoping it's cruel to be kind.

Cruel, yes. Kind, no.

The truth doesnt have to be brutal, it just has to be true. Maybe you should learn some kindess or just to not talk for the sake of it or if you dont have anything nice to say. Fuckin hell, talk about kick a woman while shes down. now im stifling but also a wanker who lets him do anything? Which is it cos it cant be both?

OP posts:
LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:35

I don't know OP maybe you are not stifling him I don't know. It was just you said something like you didn't know what you would do with your life now because you said you spent all your day and nights with him. It jiust seemed a bit much...

Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 21:36

@DoubleTime i did manage to call her earlier. She was really helpful and made me feel alot better. She then voice noted the same kind of thing to me to play when im feeling anxious. Shes a good friend x

OP posts:
LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:37

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:35

I don't know OP maybe you are not stifling him I don't know. It was just you said something like you didn't know what you would do with your life now because you said you spent all your day and nights with him. It jiust seemed a bit much...

And he appeared to be wanting some distance by moving into a new house an hour away and renting out the one close to you. But I don't know what you wanted from him, whether it was to move in and have kids together or what so maybe that wasn't a factor.

ATadGrumpy · 23/07/2023 21:43

At no time has the OP sounded clingy to her partner. She has just been there. I admire this and, in an ideal world blah blah blah. We don't live in an ideal world. This world is full of me, me me and one liners. Loyalty is no longer seen as an asset, let alone a strength. Maybe her loyalty was misplaced, but we should not be berating her for having it, we should be feeling empathy for someone who has it in spades. And yes, I would have this woman in my life- I would love her devotion and give back. To me, loyalty is all. Trust is all. If this makes one stupid- I'm in.

LilyPark · 23/07/2023 21:46

I spoke out of turn about the stifling thing, I'm sorry.

Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 21:47

@LilyPark He got a 5 bed house for about 100k cheaper to turn into flats and he still stayed with me? His london flat creates a high rent income to do the works on his house. Is he also running away from his mum who lives near me? lol. You create some crazy narratives. You're after a lot of details here, would you like his national insurance number too?

He stayed here nearly every night and ive know him 20years. People grieve and say 'what am i gonna do now' id say the same if my close friend lost contact too. I dont see what unusual about wondering about a future after a sudden loss? He was part of my daily routine.

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Original poster
babygirl88 · 23/07/2023 21:52

Im the furthest from clingy he actually used to call me nonchalant as i never bothered him. If i was clingy and stifling i would chase him when we split, i dont. Ive never reached out and never would. Im 48 hours into a break up, im on my own and wanted to moan and let it out and im just getting bollocks from people who dont understand. Its ok to not understand but Just skip past it. Im down enough.

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