Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

He’s got zero conscience. He never has. Could do the worst things and not feel bad in the slightest.

No conscience or empathy? @babygirl88, this kind of individual is a serious danger to your mental health and well-being, and should be viewed as a malignancy. You’d be mad to ever again entrust him with your heart. He’ll tear you down and crush your soul.

I assume he has temporarily changed his M.O. and is communicating with Hollie because he wants something from her. He’ll be playing the game until he hooks her.

Please access IC to navigate the grieving process and to learn coping strategies to stay strong and make different choices.

It made me sad to see that the reason you have lasted these last six years is that you have pushed down your own needs.
You deserve better. Believe it.

@babygirl88 today I want you to get up, showered and out of the house please.

Take a walk to the supermarket, get a few groceries and have a coffee
Or get a facepack, foot cream etc instead of groceries and have a pamper session in front of an old favourite film

When he comes to mind, as he will, I want you to think of something else. Like try to picture how many ritz crackers you can get in your mouth at once. Or how many footsteps, heel to toe, would it be across your living room.
Your brain needs a rest

And I wondered... he was messaging Hollie whilst you were out. Then left his phone accessible whilst he was in the shower
Did he not think another message from her might pop up and you'd see it?

And not care because he thought he'd just talk you round and you'd believe anything

Find your anger. You are worth so much more. Focus on your dignity and self worth

You've got this 💪🏻

Make a list of all his bad points. Write down all the times he's treated you badly, you've squashed your own needs in favour of his etc. Write down all his irritating habits

Basically just start to think what a waste of space he is. I have gone from total adoration to total indifference/disdain. It can be done. And what's the alternative? You're never going to trust him again so there's no point even going there.

Don't stay in bed all day again , get up and go out for a walk , or arrange to see a friend .

You've blocked him [didn't he reply when you unblocked to send a couple more texts , had he replied ?] and said you're going to throw all his stuff in the bin . I don't think you can wipe the slate completely clean since you were sixteen , you'll probably need some counselling . Take care .

@butterpuffed i just cant. ive been up since 6 again. i havent even showred since he was here. He didnt reply. Hasnt tried to contact me. He just doesnt care. Probably more annoyed i tapped his phone.

From what you've written of him and your relationship he sounds like a sociopath.

I wonder if the extent of your shock is not actually discovering the cheating but is more to do with the fact that deep down you've probably always known he's a dangerous manipulator - and this discovery has forced you to realise the true extent of how damaging to your mental health he is and has been over the years.

That must be quite a scary reality to have dawning on you. That you've been emotionally and psychologically abused for decades. I really would urge you to seek some outside help - maybe Samaritans or Women's Aid.

Take great care of yourself OP.

Yes you can, OP. Pull yourself together. He's probably fine, get yourself in the shower and get scrubbed, have some coffee or tea and toast. You WILL feel better.

The last 5/6 years have been consistent because you shut your mouth??? You had to shut your mouth, put your needs aside and accept not being a priority in order to have what, this "man", in your life??? He lived with someone else but doesn't want to live with you??? Thoughtful acts from him are so rare they feel special???

You've been conditioned to accept crumbs. I've been there. I recognise it in your updates. Give it time. When the shock starts to lessen, which it will, you'll start to see things differently.

For today though, get your arse up out of your bed...it's hot and sticky outside and you haven't showered in days. You probably stinky!!! Recovery starts with the small things. And you can manage to have a shower and go for a walk. Now, up you hop.

@TattoedLady You've been conditioned to accept crumbs.

This. Plus he states there was volatile relationship with other women he dated/lived, should be translated as: "Other women would not put up with my shit but I love you because you're the only woman that does hence the reason I love you and keep going back to you".

Sorry for the typos.

Even if you can’t face food try a banana. Once you eat something, however small, your blood sugar will rise and you’ll feel better and stronger x

@babygirl88 you need to take care of yourself!
go for a shower, then get yourself dressed. Have a nice cup of tea/coffee then go for a nice walk.

think about this, HE has betrayed YOU.
HE should be the one trying to make up to YOU, but he HASN’T because you’re right… DOESN'T CARE.

yet why are you the one who is hung up on him? Why are you the one hurting? He’s NOT worth it! you deserve better than this!

Sounds to me like this was a very 'co ~dependent ' relationship, and not a healthy one.
He treated you as a ''Mummy'' by the sound of it .

As to your previous question as to ''Do you ever get over it?''

Absolutely you do! ...but the pain can take a while to subside.

At least there aren't any children.. thank goodness for that, otherwise you'd be dealing with a bereft child as well {which really is painful, to see a child's loss of a father}

The fact that he has a track record of shagging other woman says a lot- he wasn't giving you supportive attention or communication-

If you possibly can , get some counselling or look on you tube for 'Co dependent/narcissistic relationships.

Also- a book that was recommended to me when I was hurt was ''Women who love too much''.... fascinating book, opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Look at the reviews on Amazon! Thousands of women have given it the thumbs up!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

@babygirl88 A preface of the chapters..

And the flyleaf.. I really do recommend you get this book. It was a game changer for me.

@babygirl88 What you are feeling is shock.
It's hard to feel energised to get up out of bed on a weekend when you have had a shock like that, when your world comes tumbling down.

To you, he was 'Special'...but others {your friends...and strangers on the internet} can see him for what he is- someone who really wasn't good for you, who can never be good for you- this pathetic little unfaithful man can only bring you further pain.

He could have kept stringing you along for decades, hoping for meagre crumbs from his table- thank goodness you found out while still relatively young!

You can do so much better!

Im just having alot of the same intrusive thoughts repeating, and i have questions that i do and also dont want answers to. I dont wanna hear 'yea i like hollie' or where he met her and how long it went on, but im confused and had the air punched out of me.

I cant shake the shock. Im trying to watch tv and distract myself but when it pops into my head, my body is physcially in pain, my heart stops for a few seconds, i shake my head like im tryin to shake it out of my brain and my feet are non stop moving even when laying still. I had a panic attack aswell. I tried to imagine he was here and start shouting but it just turned to panic and i had to calm down to catch breath again.

I know inloved him too much and gave too many chances. Im aware. Nothing is being achieved by people repeating this. I came here for an outlet and some comfort as im alone and single when i shouldve been celebrating with someone. My friends all have busy lives. Yes he is shit. But i loved him and i only gave chances out of love.

I have no idea how to move on from all the above and rebuild myself.

It's incredibly early days yet.

Friends {and my own experience} divorces generally take two years minimum to get over- I felt physically ill after both my break ups - nothing can speed up the time, except the second time my friend lending me the ''Women who love too much'' book really made me ''see'' why I was attracted to the 'Wrong' type of man.

It's like a nasty bout of flu or norovirus..no 'cure', but you just have to ride it out.

However, any contact with the bloke will drag you right back to square one again.

He's no good for you, OP.

I had people tell me the same thing, and thought they were 'Jealous' {that shows how my mind was f&cked up at the time}...but they were bang on right.

Men like this are poison.

I'd really encourage you to read ''Women who love too much''.. it has helped so many women see the truth.

As for the crap feelings.. you just have to ride them out - don't try to fight them- just 'Surf' them, as a surfer rides out big waves.

You won't feel this way for ever.

It's tiring and exhausting, my friend's lovely young adult child has just had a first split from his first 'serious' relationship... He's in pain, but as his mum says ''We all go through it''.... and 99% of us will.

He's a lovely young man, Faithful , hard working and handsome- he will recover...as will you! 👍

@oakleaffy thank you x

The feelings unbelievable. It's traumatising. Im such an introvert, i have one amazing friend but shes so busy and also happy, i dont want to burden her by crying down the phone. I feel lost, how do i fill my days and nights now, i was always with him.

Will order the book on amazon now, have seen it online many times, thanks x

Be kind to yourself

@babygirl88 I too was/ am an introvert-
True friends are a rare and valuable thing.
However- Even those of us with loads of friends find that they have to bear their pain alone.
If this is your first proper break up, it will hurt more ( In my experience)
After that, one knows the feelings ease with time.

Well done on getting the book!
It really is packed with great insight and advice- and has stood the test of time.

@oakleaffy the only person ive ever broken up or been with. as much as it could be bad, we had some wicked times and memories. One day he'll see the grass is never greener than it was with me. Supported him endlessly in everything. Better to be the one with a clear conscience and clean heart than the one hurting people but seems like people like him always end up on top and win.

I managed to eat aswell, my nephew came over so we had a mcdonalds 🥲