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Original poster

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Tidsleytiddy · 22/07/2023 10:48

He’s a scum cunt. End of

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:01

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 06:57

Its not even the parts that should be hurtful that are hurting me.

For years ive had to take bread crumbs of communication. We all have. His mum moans about it. His close friends. His clients hate him as he is notoriously bad at contact even when he's making money from people. So the fact he was making effort to text someone ANYONE is whats getting me here. It sounds silly but ive texted him many times and get a 6 hour late reply. Meanwhile hollie's getting a running commentary of his night while im next to him.

Well that goes to slow what motivates him - sex.

It's actually a very poor reflection on his character that's he back mannered and disrespectful to his clients and family and friends. Sounds like he takes them for granted.

His character is looking shit all round.

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:01

*bad mannered

honestlywhat · 22/07/2023 11:09

He didn't love you. It's very sad that this relationship went on so long - I'm so sorry.

In your next relationship - please, please don't believe that so long as you are saintly and amazingly loyal, then you get treated like a princess. It's just not how a healthy, modern-day relationship works. Maybe our mothers and grandmothers sold us this line - that if you tiptoe around and do everything they could possibly want, then you might get just enough to pass muster as a respectable, functioning relationship.

No. There are better options. Once you feel yourself again, get back out there and know your worth.

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:12

Wasted or not; time to move on if you'd like a family.

You do need some counselling of some sort to make sure you don't repeat this v unhealthy behaviour, and weed out the dickheads and bastards.

If you'd done "oops I'm pregnant" like many women do, you'd be looking at single motherhood (or sharing a man like a time share if stayed involved).

And that's all you'll get if you were stay with him (as much as is possible with s Man who's involves himself with other women) to have kids with him from now on .... Sharing him like a time share, and possibly being left sooner or later even if you were to share.

Men are not an endangered species. Concentrate on finding another one if you want a family and learn your lessons from this.

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 22/07/2023 11:12

Whattodowithit88 · 21/07/2023 21:38

17 years, how comes you don’t live together then? He could have been cheating with randoms for years if you haven’t lived together.

Do you actually think living together would stop someone like that cheating, like they’ll change personality?

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:17

In your next relationship - please, please don't believe that so long as you are saintly and amazingly loyal, then you get treated like a princess. It's just not how a healthy, modern-day relationship works. Maybe our mothers and grandmothers sold us this line - that if you tiptoe around and do everything they could possibly want, then you mightget just enough to pass muster as a respectable, functioning relationship

Exactly.

In relationships you have to be selfish - selfish in the best possible way - if I'm not getting want I want & being treated well, .... Next.

My approach;
I don't have full sex for a few months.
I don't have unprotected sex without a full std check.
I don't prioritise them over other social stuff, I keep a balance.
I don't get pregnant without a walk down the aisle.

I note that the guys Ive treated most sternly and had strongest boundaries with, treated me the best.

Some; they'll never treat you well, they are not for you, throw em back...don't chase them.

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:26

I think the big gestures and the desperation from him when you were finished made you think he must care/love you.

Maybe he does, bit some people's "love" is really not worth having.

He might "love" but he's still treating you like shit and now cheating on you. Do what's his brand of "love" worth?

Some people are too selfish, shitty and narcissistic to ever love other people properly, in any fair or decent way.

They'll panic when their source of support, attention, validation, adoration, their olm faithful &: reliable looks like it's walking off, but it's not for love of the other person, it's just selfishness. That sort of person doesn't like anyone doing the finishing or leaving; they say and do whatever it takes to get them back in their position of availability, under their ", power" etc. They will be doing any leaving or ending that's to be done, when they want, in their terms.

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:26

*on their terms

Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:35

I'll probably get blasted for saying this but he does love me. I know he does. But over the years ive learnt that even if he loves me to his full capacity, it doesnt mean i always feel loved. He shows it differently. But in his own way he does so i accepted it.

I wish i could just understand his reasons so i could have some clarity but i will not.

If he met someone he liked. Ok. You dont want me. Ok. Just tell me. Im beyond reasonable and understanding.

Every reconciliation has been him, hand on my heart i have never ever once reached out to sort things even when ive been desperate. Why beg for my time just to waste it? Weeks months years later, he comes back with 'you're the one, you're the best, cant be without you' didnt feel like it last night mate

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:37

TheoTheopolis23 · 22/07/2023 11:26

I think the big gestures and the desperation from him when you were finished made you think he must care/love you.

Maybe he does, bit some people's "love" is really not worth having.

He might "love" but he's still treating you like shit and now cheating on you. Do what's his brand of "love" worth?

Some people are too selfish, shitty and narcissistic to ever love other people properly, in any fair or decent way.

They'll panic when their source of support, attention, validation, adoration, their olm faithful &: reliable looks like it's walking off, but it's not for love of the other person, it's just selfishness. That sort of person doesn't like anyone doing the finishing or leaving; they say and do whatever it takes to get them back in their position of availability, under their ", power" etc. They will be doing any leaving or ending that's to be done, when they want, in their terms.

You're right.

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:41

Cant love people into loving you and make them do right. What a way to find out. Feel shattered and heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:45

He is always so certain and persistent when we separate that he needs me and i always thought it meant something.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 22/07/2023 11:50

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 08:39

During our separation, no word of a lie i thought about him daily for years. Not one day i didnt. This is what scares me. We're so many more years deeper into it, closer than before, more settled. How can i forget him and move on when its never ever happened before.

He's very good looking, has money, very charismatic. People fall at his feet.

I feel such a cunt honestly its behond embarassing, i was making so much effort.

You're describing a narcissist OP, a guy full of himself who has no regards to your feelings but him. He's probably cheated on you with other "Hollies", you just happened to caught him on this one by chance. On and off relationships never worked, they do work very well for the narcissist as part of their discard-hoover-discard-hoover pattern which makes a relationship with them quite toxic. They'll throw you a crumb then give you the silent treatment which drives any one crazy and looking forward for the next crumb, it's called trauma bonding and it's a very addictive and destructive cycle.Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on a on and off relationship looking at Mr charmings phone? I think you deserve better.

Limer · 22/07/2023 11:50

babygirl88 · 22/07/2023 11:45

He is always so certain and persistent when we separate that he needs me and i always thought it meant something.

Words are cheap. Judge him by his actions, not his words.

You've always been the backup option, the reserve, the second (or third or fourth) choice. He's obviously been off playing the field for years, and when he can't get anyone else, he declares his undying devotion to you (for the millionth time). He's always known you'll be waiting whenever he wants a bit of FWB fun.

Doveytail · 22/07/2023 11:54

Op I’m so sorry you sound utterly heartbroken.
it’s difficult to see it but please walk away and have some self respect.

Juts because you’ve been together for so long shouldn’t mean you waste another second of your life with him.

There are so many men out there who would treat you with more respect. Just because he’s all you’ve ever known ,there is this fear that you won’t love anyone like him, but you will.

Please move on, you deserve so much better!

JudyEdithPerry · 22/07/2023 11:55

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

TooHotAndHumid · 22/07/2023 11:58

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 22:57

  1. Too late to kove om and have kids and build Up trust again. Ive wasted 20 years

It is NOT too late!!!!

I was 36 when my 16 year marriage ended due to ex cheating.

I met someone else, we married and have two kids. Eldest is now 18.

Start your new life today and don't look back.

TattoedLady · 22/07/2023 12:13

I really think he loves me
Sometimes love isn't enough.

OP you've spent 17 years chasing the relationship that wasn't. And to be honest, it sounds more like an 'on-off' situationship at best. It comes across as deeply unfulfilling and unhealthy, and sometimes (I've been there) we confuse healthy love with familiarity and codependence, and in my case abuse.

Reading your thread I think this break-up, while utterly shit, is an opportunity to decide if the dynamic you've accepted for the last 17 years is good enough for the next 17. You're only 35, in your prime...do you want to be dealing with this crap when you're 52, or at 52 do you want to be in a committed, healthy and respectful relationship? You won't get that with him...the past 17 years have surely shown you that much.

And at risk of being too harsh and it being too soon:-

  • He reminisces about the past because there's no real future to plan for.
  • He hasn't committed because he doesn't want to and he doesn't need to (think about those "free pass to do whatever with whoever").
  • Communication? Again, he doesn't need to. He knows you'll be there when he does bother.
  • He cheated because he's an asshole. It has nothing to do with you, your value, your worth. He's just an asshole. And asking for an explanation won't help you heal or give you the clarity you think you need from him.

You're worth so much more.

HairMb · 22/07/2023 12:16

It doesn’t sound that great the more you post but it will still hurt.

It’s a lucky escape for you. It will just take time to see it.

LilyPark · 22/07/2023 12:23

This might seem a bit off topic OP but did you have loving parents who taught you what real love is? Were they loving and attentive towards you?

Oceanus · 22/07/2023 12:24

OP listen to your gut. Every. Single. Time. It told you he was no good, you went away and then... you went back! You should have listened to your gut the first time. Nothing anyone says will make you better. The change has to come from you. You need to realise by yourself what a cunt he is. You need to get to that point and believe it.
This wasn't time lost, it was a lesson learnt. Your next relationship, the rest of your life, it will all be better for what happened.
People are who they are and they will not change for us. You can't change anyone and they will not change for you. There's no viagra for the soul. His is a tiny one and it will never grow. Once you've accepted that, it'll be easy to put this behind you and move on.
Also, law zeroth of thermodynamics does not nor will it ever apply to people. You're hot, he's cold, you'll never be warm and snug together because your love is hot enough for both of you. No, he'll always be cold and you'll just cooler over time. You'll both end up in Syberia together.

something2say · 22/07/2023 12:32

Reading your last post OP....

His quality of love is not the right fit for you - you say he definitely loves you in his own way - but even that way of saying it reveals that the way YOU'D like to be loved is not his way, and you have had to flex to tolerate it.

If the shoes don't fit, it's no good HOW pretty they are, you will not want to reach for them for a full day and night out - they irritate, no matter how much you don't want them to.

That's what this guy seems like to me...

Then -

He needs you because you're his mummy. His safe place. Always there, good quality love and adoration. It's not sexy. (For you.) You're not his mum, you're a woman with feelings and needs, not just there to make him feel good. I sometimes think that some men want a woman to adore them and to provide a level homely environment, food, Sunday happiness etc and then they want to chase other women too.

I think if this man adored you properly, he would not even have room for thoughts of other women.

I'm so sorry to be writing this btw and God knows I've been there.

KTSl1964 · 22/07/2023 12:37

Look up trauma bonding op and look up narcissistic personality - just because he chases you when you end it doesn’t mean genuine love. How was your attachment in childhood to your parents as this can set up how we handle relationships and what we expect is good enough. 🌺

Mirabai · 22/07/2023 12:39

It’s a bit early but in the long run I think/hope you will see this is for the best.

It will free you up to find someone who is not so self-centered.

The end of a relationship doesn’t mean the whole was a waste of time - that was your lived experience for x number of years and then you move on and experience something different.