Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

I mean the post about texts etc

You're straying into self-indulgence and dramatics now, @babygirl88 why not resolve to take time out, maybe 7 full days when you divert your thoughts and energy to anything else but him. If nothing else it will stop you ruminating.

try some meditation and relaxation on YouTube. It's completely free. Block him on any and all phone and social media to stop the temptation of checking for texts which could hoover you back in.

don't waste your headspace on him, he's not worth it. All the best.

Op always value yourself and have an internal worth beyond what a man, who frankly sounds bloody lame, what are your passions?

How awful for you to find out like that, but it sounds like he's a complete waste of space. Stringing you along for 17 years, you worshipped him but he clearly never worshipped you, he just saw you as a convenient FWB.

Move on from him, but FFS don't jump head first into the dating scene, you are far too vulnerable. Being single is normal.

Oh, OP. I do feel sorry for you as he sounds exactly my ex too. Spent an ungodly amount of time (15-29) waiting, giving and being available for someone who didn't fully reciprocate. Constantly on and off... would "hide" me but not others. I could go on.

Anyway, my point is you WILL benefit from finally cutting this person out of your life, because frankly they are toxic. And what upsets/angers the most is the amount of time wasted on this person, but it DOES pass and it DOES get better, even if right now it doesn't seem like it will. Sending lots of love x

Agreed. Plus the fact he was lying in those messages to Holly.

This isn't love. Sorry. It's more like addiction. Obsession.

Would he be the person getting up at 6am with the baby to allow you to get some sleep? Would he be the person changing the kids' beds because of a stomach bug in the middle of the night? Would he be the one helping you write the job application for your dream job?

All that effort you've put into him as if he's some improvement project. What effort has he put into you? He can't even be arsed to text you.

The man is a selfish cunt. I don’t use that word lightly - he is a cunt.

Take him down from the pedestal in your head because he has shown you he has no place there.

You are in shock right now but this will pass. When it does, brush yourself down and get on with your life without him in it. He certainly does not deserve your headspace and heartache my lovely.

@babygirl88 you need to find your rage. This man has had you at his beck and call for 17 years on and off and 6 years in a relationship. Yet there is no sign of marriage or a family and you’re heading into the later part of your thirties. The writing is there all over the wall!

He is an absolute waste of space who can not commit to you and is now just a common or garden sneaky dirty lying cheat.

I absolutely get that you’re in shock, I absolutely get that you’re hurting. But it’s time to dig deep and start seeing how this could be the start of a real future for you! The fact it’s your birthday feels kind of poetic for me, the start of something new.

Surely you can see that you deserve better than this absolute loser!

I like the posts calling him a cunt. More of those please.

@Bananarepublic your points about daily life hit home as ive had them almost daily. I have my nephew alot and i see in my ex a real lack of love for anything other than himself or me when he wants me back. He calls himself selfish and is aware but i did always think it was sad and worrying thst with both our nephews, unless he enjoyed it, an activity wouldnt even be entertained. If they cried he'd say their parents had made them into pussys. I do plenty of things i dont enjoy for people becsuse i love them, he doesnt have that. He has no empathy and im so full of love, i just assumed id carry the load when life got mundane and those things came along. Maybe i felt like i never deserved it as he's the only one ive been with for so long, my only significant one at all and he always just gave me crumbs.

Meaning i never thought i deserved someone who helped and nutured me back as ive never had that experience. He was horrible when we were younger but i did see some growth in him. I always knew id never be pampered or looked after or even considered most days but i loved him enough to say id rather have a shitty him than potentially a better someone else because ive never had feelings for another to even get close to a relationship thst could be good. He's alwsys been in the front of my head even when apart

@hot2trotter sadly completely authentic and my life. thanks for the input though. helpful.

I haven’t signed into mumsnet for over a year but reading your post and responses made me need to.

I’m so so sorry you are going through this. It’s been 3 years since I found out randomly without snooping and my world fell apart.

its a very unique kind of pain when you had no suspicions. Physical pain in your heart. I couldn’t breathe either.

i can promise you it will get better eventually but it hurts like hell in the meantime. Feel free to PM me.

Hey listen - it seems the quality if love he has shown you is not very high.

And you've hung on.

I notice your birthday, you are a Cancer yes? Best quality love in the zodiac. No wonder you've been SO loyal and nurturing an forgiving.

But this man isn't good enough for you. It may take a while to let go but think what you could find instead. Another handsome, loving, caring man who goes out of his WAY to be a good partner.

Don't waste your life - and when you think bad thoughts about yourself and your behaviour, ACT ON THEM. Don't carry on on doing what you know is wrong.

For those doubting the authenticity. Me texting my best friend while she was at work last night. bit much effort for a mumsnet thread no?

The very fact that you can’t talk to him about this because you know he’ll turn it around, makes it obvious that this isn’t a great relationship. And that’s without you saying that it’s been awful before and he’s taken you to hell and back.

I think he’s actually done you a favour. Take time to lick your wounds and move on to a new, much better relationship. Never let him back in your life and make sure you have strong boundaries in future. Don’t let a man treat you how you wouldn’t treat others.

Thank you so much. I will x

@something2say yes, a stupid cancer who loves beyond sense and has stayed loyal for 2 decades even when apart. fire and water dont mix. Thank you for your words.

But I do think you might need help learning what a healthy relationship is. Try the women’s aid freedom programme.

For today, shower, get dressed and go out. Get a coffee and ground yourself back into reality. Look at things, listen, touch. You’ve had a terrible shock.

Also. Him saying exactly what i said he said 'here if you need anything' as ive never chosen anything over him and he was really concerned at my urgency to leave. and the missed calls lining up exactly when i said he called. Yes the dynamic and set up was not conventional and i understand it seems far fetched but i can assure its just my life and what happened yesterday minute by minute.

Thank you. Im sick of saying shocked but i have no other feeling right now.

OP, have a motherly hug.

Breathe. Eat, drink. When you can, sleep. Otherwise watch trashy action films. I took to weaving on card, like in primary school, because I couldn't keep still physically or mentally.

Thank goodness you have your home, no children with him and aren't married. Your effort can go into dealing with the emotional pain. Commit the feeling now to memory, and never have him back.

It takes a while to get over. Get some talking therapy if you can.

Remember, he's a total cunt. He's one of the great band of men who are cunts and want cunts.

About other things you've mentioned:

Nothing is ever wasted. The time you spent being your best self for him was you putting good things in the universe that can never be taken away. He didn't appreciate what he had, and now it's time for all those good feelings and efforts to pour their goodness on you and help you heal.

He's always in your head even when apart. Say 'No!' firmly to your brain every time it pushes him forward, and think of something else. It's like training a puppy. Your brain will learn if you are firm and consistent.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear, OP. From what you describe, your ex sounds up his own arse!

There is light at the end of the tunnel: when you are ready, you are free to meet someone who communicates and commits to you rather than this 'on-off' relationship and 6-hour reply wait.