Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this guy

138 replies

Hurtingnowq · 21/07/2023 16:38

I met him on online dating. He’s been divorced for a couple of years now. He has been on hundreds and hundreds of dates.

He showed me his dating app before he deleted it - he had hundreds of connections. Which is quite unusual for a man I thought.

He admitted to going on multiple dates on the weekend eg 3-4 dates in a day. Had 3 ‘girlfriends’ in the space of 1.5 years, didn’t last more than a few months.

Insisted he wanted something serious with me. After 6 months, he dropped me overnight. Said we didn’t have a ‘connection’ anymore despite saying before consistently that he wanted a future with me. He said he now clams up at the reality of commitment where as before his divorce he was the committed type. He wasted no time getting back on the apps and dating multiple women.

I realise there were red flags and I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near him. But he seemed so sincere and said all the right things.

It’s odd how someone would change overnight. I’m left feeling a bit stunned and trying to make sense of his behaviour?

I am moving on. Just processing things in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:22

They just be addicted to the validation and sex is all I can think. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 08:24

Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:18

littlebopeepp234 yes I know what I’ve shared on here - no his social media isn’t full of women, yes he had many connections on the dating app. He never took me on amazing dates. And yes he’s clearly got issues. It’s easy to see that now. But in the situation, he seemed genuine. There were no fancy or amazing dates. It all felt real.

I’ve been online dating for years and I know how to spot the signs normally. My friends are also a tough crowd to please and they all liked him. He gave off a very different impression.

Hi op, this is what I’m trying to make you see. I’m not blaming you at all honestly I’ve been in your shoes but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else just so that you are able to process exactly what has happened. I read your first post and could see straight away he was a waste of space before you posted further information throughout your thread. It hurts, it’s painful but please realise this has nothing to to with you and has everything to do with him. Some men know women can spit the signs so they see them as a challenge and play the ‘genuine’ game. And it is all a game to them. Extremely cruel but he doesn’t care about your feelings or he wouldn’t have gone straight back on the dating apps after breaking up with you.

He has some serious issues and unless he is able to address those issues and have therapy then he will continue in this cycle for the rest of his life. There is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it. He may or may not come back in the future but it will only be to throw a few breadcrumbs and play and being genuine again….please don’t entertain him!

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 08:27

Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:02

littlebopeepp234 I presumed all the dates and short term relationships were his way of rebounding and also dating
I’ve had lots of dates and dates men for a few months as well

what didn’t seem right was the quantity

his social isn’t full of women, I never said that

he wasn’t charming - he wasn’t this stereotypical player type.

It’s so easy to sit back and comment on what I’ve observed with hindsight in my posts

I’ve never dated a player before as I’ve always been able to avoid them

we were in constant contact and he stayed with me most nights and we spent every single weekend together nonstop so I don’t think he was cheating

This is all classic love bombing though. The frequent texting. The intensity/frequency of time together. He's focussing it all on you rather than continuing any part of his normal life (hobbies, friends, just chilling alone). Fwiw I believe these men do get caught up in it for a time but it is a pattern burns out. Apart from anything else he's had not one but TWO divorces before age 40. The same will have happened those times too

CarrieMoonbeams · 22/07/2023 08:28

I've no advice OP because I'm old and met DH before the internet was even invented, but I can feel how hurt and bewildered you are.

I don't think you'll ever make sense of this guy really. I think when you're a decent person, you can end up tying yourself in knots trying to figure out why someone acted in a certain way, but you just can't.

So I've no answers for you, but I'll just give you a hug, from a random wee Scottish lady on the internet. Take care 🌻🌻

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:29

Thank you CarrieMoonbeams so kind xx

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/07/2023 08:31

I met him on online dating. He’s been divorced for a couple of years now. He has been on hundreds and hundreds of dates

id have seen the 🚩 there

that’s just plain weird and obsessive

why so many dates !?
why so much free time ?
no friends , families , hobbies ?

just an endless thirst for pussy !

he will never find someone right
clearly not over his divorce

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 08:31

Also if you booed the holiday then how have you lost your half? Surely you still go on the holiday?

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:31

I didn’t want to go on my own when I’m feeling so hurt and rubbish liveforsummer

OP posts:
SamW98 · 22/07/2023 08:32

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 08:31

Also if you booed the holiday then how have you lost your half? Surely you still go on the holiday?

Agree. Personally OP I would still go on the holiday. Spending a bit of time on your own, relaxing and clearing your head will do you the world of good.

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:32

Thisisworsethananticpated
you’re right - people don’t change
he’ll continue to shag and mess women around

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:33

SamW98 I couldn’t imagine anything worse than being on the holiday he found and encouraged me to book, on my own and feeling lonely and sad

I’d rather book something else with friends or family

OP posts:
Eanair23 · 22/07/2023 08:34

It probably was sincere on his part for a while - hence him paying for his half of the holiday. But he is a cocklodger in the making. As PP have mentioned, he could be back.
Looking back, he DID lovebomb you, a classic red flag. Check again if all your friends bought it, or were they happy for you, in your happiness IYKWIM
Allow yourself a SHORT time, to wallow. You are hurt. Then pick yourself up and count your blessings, which actually now include a lucky escape from a gobshite, with only half a holiday lost in cost. It could be far worse. If you can find some humour in it, I find it helps.

I could be in your industry, and I met my DH through OLD.

Pick yourself up, dust off, treat yourself well (you are a sensitive wonderful woman), and move on - emotionally

Ladybug14 · 22/07/2023 08:34

"""It’s odd how someone would change overnight. I’m left feeling a bit stunned and trying to make sense of his behaviour?"""

Eh? How did he change overnight. He showed you who he was (an uber multiple dater) and that is who he continued to be

I'm unclear as to why you're surprised

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:35

littlebopeepp234 yes he’ll never change
he’s a user and manipulative man
I’d never go back or entertain him

OP posts:
JerkintheMerkin · 22/07/2023 08:40

OP I got taken in by someone similar to this so I know exactly how you feel. Just look back and see him for the nothing man that he is. Look at the lesson learned and take note in knowing he's the exact opposite of the kind of man you want to attract. All he's ever going to do is disappoint someone else. Thankfully that won't be you. Look after yourself, lick your wounds and come back with iron clad boundaries, any hint of a pink/ red flag you run like the wind and be kind to yourself. Humiliation, embarrassment and shame can dent your ego (as it did mine) but straighten your crown again. You will feel better again - it just takes time.

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:41

Eanair23 thank you 🙏🏽

It probably was sincere on his part for a while - hence him paying for his half of the holiday. But he is a cocklodger in the making. As PP have mentioned, he could be back.

To be honest, I do think he was sincere for a short time. It’s incomprehensible to me that someone could be that fake for so long. Even his subtle behaviours showed he was happy and falling in love. And yes he has no money, no assets, and lives hand to mouth every month, so a cocklodger in the making indeed. He can try to come back. No way that’s happening. Besides, he attracts so many women, he’ll have a busy summer. I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him fortunately. When I heard from him earlier this week, he wished me well and said I was so lovely to him. That’s brought it all back.

Allow yourself a SHORT time, to wallow. You are hurt. Then pick yourself up and count your blessings, which actually now include a lucky escape from a gobshite, with only half a holiday lost in cost. It could be far worse. If you can find some humour in it, I find it helps.

It’s been a month and I’m still hurting. Usually I’m quite a pragmatic person and I can move on with ease. But this has been so nasty, I’m struggling. So no humour yet but maybe in time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:42

JerkintheMerkin thank you so much 🙏🏽

OP posts:
egowise · 22/07/2023 08:44

GetYourHandsOffMyCake · 21/07/2023 16:52

He's the male equivalent of a slag. Be thankful you've had a lucky escape.

Wtf... Misogynistic much!?

OP, he didn't change overnight. He lied to you. Chalk this up to experience and move on.

littlebopeepp234 · 22/07/2023 08:44

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/07/2023 08:31

I met him on online dating. He’s been divorced for a couple of years now. He has been on hundreds and hundreds of dates

id have seen the 🚩 there

that’s just plain weird and obsessive

why so many dates !?
why so much free time ?
no friends , families , hobbies ?

just an endless thirst for pussy !

he will never find someone right
clearly not over his divorce

He was probably over his divorce the day they decided to split. He will most likely have gone on the dating apps straight away. It’s likely that his divorce was due to him having this ‘endless thirst for pussy’ and that he has probably cheated which resulted in the divorce so I doubt he’s actually still getting over it. But I agree with all other points you have made.

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:51

One of my guy friends said that many men become addicted to the dating apps - the endless choice and casual sex on offer

I guess it’s about validation and the excitement of new women 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
WunWun · 22/07/2023 08:54

So why put yourself through it? Hoping for the one needle in the haystack.

I'm trying to make an effort in real life. I'm going to get involved in an activity. I am the most socially awkward person ever and it will be torture and people won't like me anyway, but it's better than OLD!

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 08:55

I do think they feel it's genuine at first as I said previously- a bit like how a narcissist genuinely believes it's actually all the other persons fault! That's why you have to spot the signs and remember it's not the norm to suddenly put every bit of time and effort in to a new partner. He shouldn't be free every single evening and weekend or have the time to message you morning, noon and night. Any man who doesn't hop from woman to woman has their own things going on in their life. Also the 'good for me' comments are a warning. A partner is meant to be an equal not a saviour

Original poster
Hurtingnowq · 22/07/2023 08:57

I’m a cautious person. I rule out the vast majority of men I meet. No wonder I’m still single after so long. It’s so depressing.

OP posts:
Username620 · 22/07/2023 09:37

Men like this aren’t just on dating apps unfortunately. Mine was a friend for many years before we dated. Similar behaviour but without the dating app history.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 22/07/2023 09:48

My neighbour is addicted to dating apps. He has had some lovely GFs but he always dumps them after a few days/weeks/months and he tells us that he does it because he thinks there is someone 'better' out there.

I think he is a shallow wanker and doesn't know how lucky he has been.

I am looking forward to the day when he can't get even one date. He will end up a lonely old man for sure.