What do you make of this guy

[Hurtingnowq]

I met him on online dating. He’s been divorced for a couple of years now. He has been on hundreds and hundreds of dates.

He showed me his dating app before he deleted it - he had hundreds of connections. Which is quite unusual for a man I thought.

He admitted to going on multiple dates on the weekend eg 3-4 dates in a day. Had 3 ‘girlfriends’ in the space of 1.5 years, didn’t last more than a few months.

Insisted he wanted something serious with me. After 6 months, he dropped me overnight. Said we didn’t have a ‘connection’ anymore despite saying before consistently that he wanted a future with me. He said he now clams up at the reality of commitment where as before his divorce he was the committed type. He wasted no time getting back on the apps and dating multiple women.

I realise there were red flags and I shouldn’t have gone anywhere near him. But he seemed so sincere and said all the right things.

It’s odd how someone would change overnight. I’m left feeling a bit stunned and trying to make sense of his behaviour?

I am moving on. Just processing things in my head.

I think he always intended to do this to you. He probably gets off on this stuff. He showed you all the dating apps and told you all the sordid details so you'd think you'd be the one to change him. The one to save him. He's mega manipulative and he had a plan the whole time. It's not you Op he's probably always done this and will continue to prey on women who he knows will want to be the one to change him.

Are you sure he actually booked the holiday?

It's understandable that it's upsetting!

Can I ask how old he is? Just that being besotted is a red flag in itself. This is online dating. He's divorced. That isn't how it goes.

He won’t change Heddaga

That's a good point. Op did you just give him your half and he's skipped off with it? Add con man to his list of attributes.

WunWun early 40s. Interested men are very keen in the beginning. That’s always been my experience.

No I booked the holiday
and he transferred me his half

it’s odd because he’s pretty skint and now he’s lost a big chunk of money

he was always very careful with his money

so to encourage us to go on holiday, have me book it, then walk away is bizarre

you’d think he’d have gone on the holiday then disappeared!

Divorced guys in their 40s on dating apps are on the whole not looking to fall hard in love with someone of a similar age on a dating app. That's the sad truth.

I can also spot players and know that if someone has had lots of short term relationships and 3 x girlfriends in the space of 18 months then that is already a red flag. Anyone with a bunch of random (probably half naked) women on social media instantly raises alarm bells for me. It’s one thing to have female friends but it’s another to have a social media profile full of women.

I’m not judging you op or victim blaming but I do feel you may have been blinkered by his charm and so you felt that he was being genuine. When others from the outside looking in read your very first post on this thread we can see straight away that this has so many red flags written all over it. You have then revealed more and it’s so obvious he was taking you for a ride. It was obvious he was love bombing. He was not genuine and never had been from the start. Love homing can last from days to years. However I can guarantee you 100% he will have been on these apps and chatting too, even meeting these women behind your back during those short 6 months. I’m sorry it’s not what you want to hear but it’s so obvious from someone looking from the outside in. Trust me this is coming from someone who has been in your shoes before.

WunWunSo I should avoid a whole age group category?

No, you should avoid dating apps if you want a genuine relationship. In my opinion. I've done it for years. I have close friends who've done it for years. Different versions of what's happened to you really are all there is. Positive stories from dating apps for divorced people in their 40s really are extremely rare.

I was with someone for 2 and h years-first relationship. I was in my mid 40s but lacked experience. Ee did loads of great things together,I ' fixed him- was not my intention but somehow I ended up in this role. He finished with me over the phone. He has bot been honest with me I was thousands of pounds out of pocket- I'm.not rich. My point is I think this was the behaviour he had done previously. I wasn't so green nxt time. There are devious people out there,although I do prefer to believe thst most people are decent

littlebopeepp234 I presumed all the dates and short term relationships were his way of rebounding and also dating
I’ve had lots of dates and dates men for a few months as well

what didn’t seem right was the quantity

his social isn’t full of women, I never said that

he wasn’t charming - he wasn’t this stereotypical player type.

It’s so easy to sit back and comment on what I’ve observed with hindsight in my posts

I’ve never dated a player before as I’ve always been able to avoid them

we were in constant contact and he stayed with me most nights and we spent every single weekend together nonstop so I don’t think he was cheating

WunWun it’s the only way for me to meet men sadly. I work in a mostly female dominated industry. And I haven’t met a guy organically in over 15 years. Nor have my friends. I wish I didn’t have to do it, especially not after this, trust me.

I took it slow. We didn’t sleep together for some time. He met my family and friends. He was always there for me. He called me every morning and night. We messaged throughout the day. He fixed things around my home. We were planning and booked a holiday. He talked about his divorce. His marriage. His plans for the future. How he retrained for better career prospects. He was always supporting me with my work.

He became my actual boyfriend.

So as some other have pointed out, it’s not always obvious when you’re in it.

Yeah I'm in the same position really. But it's rather be single than be used/messed around etc.

Online dating is not the answer

Op, you have just said earlier in this thread that you have seen his social media account and he has some friends on it but uses it mostly for adding women he’s met on dating apps. And that he’s maybe added 10-15 more in a very short space of time.

He showed you his dating app before ‘deleting’ it and he had a whole bunch of connections. Yes it’s ok to date multiple people until you find the right one. What isn’t normal is to have 3 x relationships in 18 months. That tells me that HE is the issue and not the women he was with. It’s obvious he cannot hold down a relationship. Also I cannot remember if you said this is his 2nd divorce or if that was on another similar thread I read but if it is 2 x divorces by 40s plus 3 x women in 18 months doesn’t look good.

Op I have been in a domestic abuse relationship before where my ex love bombed me for years, felt really genuine like you. It was 10 years into that relationship I finally realised that he was not being genuine.

I also dated someone else for a year who was also amazing, took me out on amazing dates, had some fantastic times, fed me all the bullshit about wanting to have a relationship with me and stay together forever BUT he was going on dating apps behind my back looking for hookups with multiple women. We were also in constant contact and he stayed over too. Some men are just players unfortunately and they like the stability of having a gf and playing the doting caring man in front of friends and family but still want to play the field.

I wouldn’t have touched him with a barge pole.

What I don’t understand is you actually saw his dating app contents and he TOLD you about his multiple dates!!

And even then you willingly got played in the hands of a player.

Sorry but you can’t get more gullible or naive then that.

Next time go by actions because words are cheap.

BackAgainstWall lovely thanks for that

Also, I don’t believe for one minute that when he deleted his dating app that he didn’t go back on there and create another less obvious profile. He sounds like that sort of person tbh

littlebopeepp234 yes I know what I’ve shared on here - no his social media isn’t full of women, yes he had many connections on the dating app. He never took me on amazing dates. And yes he’s clearly got issues. It’s easy to see that now. But in the situation, he seemed genuine. There were no fancy or amazing dates. It all felt real.

I’ve been online dating for years and I know how to spot the signs normally. My friends are also a tough crowd to please and they all liked him. He gave off a very different impression.

And the biggest sign in all this that you have been played is that he ended the relationship with you but wasted no time going back on dating apps! So basically not a care in the world, no remorse, no taking time to get over your relationship, just wanted sex with other women. He got bored of you after 6 months and wanted to play around.

That should tell you everything you need to know.

littlebopeepp234 yes that’s why I’m hurt and posting on here. It’s been awful.

*littlebopeepp234 *sorry to hear who ur your experiences. Men can be so selfish and devious. This is the first time it’s happened to me (thankfully, as far as I know) and it’s horrible.

Sorry to hear about your experiences*