DH acting strange

[Anyoneforacoffee]

Hi all, I needed to come on here for advice. Please no nasty comments as i am feeling a tad fragile. Sorry for the long post.
Recently I have had a gut feeling something isn't right with my DH. We are both in our mid-fifties, married 22 years have 3 Dc's, work commitments, 2 dogs so life is hectic like it is for everyone.

The thing is i think he may have feelings for someone else. Haven't any proof, just the fact he is on his phone alot, I come into a room while he is on his mobile and he will either switch the screen or he will turn his phone off, move away. He will go into the bathroom, etc. I have asked him why he does this and he will say, I do the same, which I don't. He is very involved with our Ds's sports club so I know some of the messaging is to do with this.

Everyone loves him. He would be the last person I would feel would cheat but being a member of this site many people would have said the same with their partners. He has lots of friends, very popular with everyone and he is a half glass full sort of person. He isn't someone who doesnt get emotional. When we first met I didn't really know how to take him. Nothing worries him apart from our Dc's. He is a brilliant father and we have a nice family unit.

I realise as I am getting older, going through the menopause. (On HRT and amazing) I am finding everything more difficult. I have always been someone who thought positively and never thought this was possible after losing our other little boy, 13 years ago. Losing him, change us. We don't sweat about the small stuff so we just get on with our lives and make sure our family unit is happy.

My FIL died so 4 years ago my MIL moved into our home. We converted part of our house so she could be with us. It has worked out well as she is a lovely woman and we have a brilliantly relationship. 18 months ago she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided I would look after her. She is ok, just her short term memory and she needs help with personal care, etc. I cook all meals, pills, organise doctors/hospital appointments, hair, feet etc. I still work 1 full day a week. (Nursing) so have carers coming in on these days. Can work more but with the long shift with work and home, I am exhausted.

My DH has a skilled job and paid very well so I find the bulk of the home falls on me.
It has been working well but I am starting to feel resentful towards my DH. I have said to him recently that I feel like I am over looked by him, taken for granted but he will always come back and say. If you find mum difficult then maybe she should go into a home. He had been a brilliant son to her so not sure why he made these comments.

I have asked him if there is anyone else. I have said I just need honestly but he swears to me there isn't. He loves our family unit, we talk about our future etc but I just can't put my finger on why I have this gut feeling.

We went away and had a lovely time but the same thing happened with his phone. Sneaking off to use it. He rang my phone to make sure his phone had a connection. I said, are you waiting to hear from someone and he said no, just checking my phone is working. I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything. What is the point. If he was having an affair he wouldn't say.

We came home from our break and I was putting the ironing away. Seen the box of condoms we don't use was open and 1 missing. When he came up to see me, I said we don't use these so why is one missing. He was very cool about it and said, I am embarrassed but when you were out with the dc's I had a posh wank. He knows if he was unfaithful this would be it. He is adamant this is what happened but I don't believe him.

I don't want to break up my family unit and I do love him but I am really starting to resent him over things and the way he is.
Apart of me thinks, it is me over thinking. He always says I over think, sensitive, etc. We moved away to a tiny rural village 15 years ago. I haven't enjoyed living here, bullying with my oldest, village life isn't for me but I just get on with things due to our Dc's being happy. I was also very out going, lots of friends from the city I grew up in. Still see them when we can. Where my DH settled in straight away and loves it where we live. I have made friends here but find them up and down. Jealously over things, can be bitchy and I find them hard work so keep people at arms length.
I love seeing my old friends due to them being very different. They have always be fun and supportive but when we do catch up I don't want to be moaning on about my feelings as we don't see each other very often so I bottle things up. As you can see from this post. I tend to ramble.

I feel very uneasy at the moment. Part of me want to go fu*k it. I will leave and it will cause so much destruction but mostly I want things to go back to how they were with my DH. He has said, he will never leave. If I am unhappy, it will be me. Just finding I am a buddle of anxiety with it all and don't know where to turn. I don't want to unsettle my Dc's lives. I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't a great relationship with my own parents. My DM is a Jealous person and she had been up and down with me my whole life. So I know I can over think things as I was always treading on egg shells growing up. I suppose I feel better for writing down my feelings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

You have a LOT going on in your life - without having this bubbling suspicion sapping your energy too. You clearly could do with more support so that you don’t crash and burn at the expense of others.

I think gut instinct is hard to ignore, especially when you know someone so well. There will be others who can advise better than me but I hope you reach a resolution soon and can concentrate on your wellbeing more.

The hiding of the phone is suspicious. Has his working pattern changed ? Going out more ?

If not perhaps it's something like gambling ?

You need to sit down and maybe show him this thread

There's definitely someone in the background. Not someone he's going to leave you for, by the sounds of it.

The key information in your OP @Anyoneforacoffee is that his phone behaviour has changed, he was checking messages early in the morning, and, a condom is missing. All the other information you've included shows that you're overthinking it. Just look at the evidence and make an informed and objective opinion from the evidence.

A couple of things stick out to me.
Does your dh do much for his own mother?
It sounds like it's in his interest to keep the status quo so of course he won't leave.

The other thing is, your gut instinct is telling you something. You need to trust it.
Don't ever shut it down.

In your shoes, I'd ask your dh to help more with his mother. I'd be less available. At the last minute and see his reactions. He may be using your commitment to his mother to his advantage and that alone makes my blood boil on your behalf.
I'd call him unexpectedly and check his reaction to that.
I'd investigate what separating would look like.

How old are you dc?

I also think everyone has the potential to cheat and many do. Often the ones you don't think of. I think there is more cheating goes on than people acknowledge.

There's no way that condom was for a posh wank, nobody does that. I'd be suspicious Op, sorry. Can you try and check is phone or emails somehow?

No, MN is meant to be a safe space, not a weapon to thrust at an errant husband.

Call his bluff tell him you want to look through his phone as you don't believe there's nothing going on.

I wouldn't believe the posh wank for one single second. It might be the sort of thing a teenage boy might do, but why the hell would he suddenly decide to do that?

His phone behaviour is very worrying.

I think I'd talk to him honestly about your suspicions and remind him how much his life would change if you discovered he was having an affair. You might well move back home with your child, leaving him to take care of his mum.

He is cheating on you, I’m sorry Op
I don’t see any man going through the trouble of opening a condom for a wank, makes no sense
he is showing many signs of cheating , with the phone glued to his hand and checking it at 3am..
are you able to look through his phone for evidence?

did the behaviour start after his mum moved in?
I think sometimes men stop viewing their wives as lovers and start seeing them as family , put them in the same box as my kids/my mother/ my wife

Alot of men compartmentalise their relationships like this (narcissists are known to do this)

they see their wives as family/responsibility so they start seeking passion outside of the home
other woman = play/leisure/ fun
wife = responsibilities/ work /duty
because of compartmentalisation he is unable to see you as his wife and his lover , to him a woman can’t be both

and it’s nothing that you have done or haven’t done,
you could be the most sexy, fun , spontaneous wife , keeping the home, looking after his mother , keeping it fun in the bedroom and he will still cheat

Any change in his hygiene and appearance? Wanting to be more in shape and upping his personal grooming? Making sure he smells good when he leaves the house and cleaning his teeth more.

Deciding he needs to lose weight and rejecting normal food choices or saying he's not hungry as he's already eaten?

Thanks for all your messages. I feel better for chatting on here.
Regarding my MIL I have said many a time to my DH, is he staying with me due to the care I give her. He only has me. His DSis never helps and lives a fair distance from us.
With his phone. His pattern has changed. He is very involved with the dc's clubs and he is always sorting put matches, meetings etc. What stood out for me was when I went along to support, my DH spotted me but never came over to say hi. He walked away and was speaking to other people. It make me feel like sh*t and I never feel like this.
My gut thing is definitely telling me something is going on but I am not sure what to do. I just wished he was honest with me.
His work pattern hadn't changed. He is always home on time when he says he will be. Not sure what to think but I just wake up everyday with this pit in my stomach.

Yes, he looks after his appearance. He is a good looking man so I know he could have an affair if his head was turned.

I've been where you are @Anyoneforacoffee , those feelings are hell to live with.

Your husband has a lot to lose if his 'other interest' doesn't work out. It sounds like he's wanting his cake and eating it until he works out what he finally wants. But your care of his mother sounds like it is of value to him. Him saying she could go into a home if you're not coping sounds like it'll end up being you to blame if she doesn't stay with you. Does that sound feasible?

The fact that he says you overthink things and are sensitive is telling. Does he ever take responsibility for anything? You moved away and aren't happy but he is, that's also telling.

I think you need to listen to your gut. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible

Hmmm does sound like he has no plans to leave but is having an affair. He is probably using his mother as the excuse not to leave you. Also your life seems set up for everyone except yourself !

hugs !

Can you look for evidence and decide what you would do in the case you found it?

bank statements
location tracking on phone
start going to dcs clubs and hanging about with DH to see who notices…..

sound horrid though

@Thisnameforthisthread he will have alot to lose. What happened with you? I hope you don't mind me asking.
He does want his cake and eat it. I have felt like this for a while. He has changed. I find him confusing at times as he will chat about our future and give me a cuddle but then on the other hand he is sneaking. This is where the over thinking comes into play.

Mu dc's are 16, 14 and 11

My guess he won’t leave you as long as you take care of his mother. Easy life.

First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your son.

I think it does seem as though he's having an affair, OP, and I'd put my money on him seeing someone who was there that day when he didn't come over to you. If she wasn't there, he could have come over. He wants to show her that you're not important to him. Have a good think about who he was talking to and who might be of interest.

I think it will be someone who's married and who isn't free to meet up in the evenings etc.

What is incredibly upsetting is the way he treats his mother, too. His idea of putting her in a home rather than doing anything more with her himself is really horrible. That poor woman. She's so lucky to have you caring for her.

I'd advise you to watch and wait. Have any of the women in the village started to avoid you? Become over-friendly? I wouldn't trust anyone at the moment, I'm afraid, not even your best friends. It's a really shit situation to be in. I feel for you so much.

Echoing what others have said but it does sound like there’s an affair going on or at least an inappropriate relationship with someone connected to the sports clubs. Can you get more involved by coming along and making a point to be friendly and socialize? Knowing small villages, if anyone knows something, they will end up letting you know.

I agree he is likely seeing someone at the sports club. In a way it doesn’t matter who. You know in your heart he is cheating on you. The fact he is not being very discreet is very serious.

I would emotionally and financially prepare for a divorce.

The spots club ignoring you would concern me.

Almost as if he has given someone or other people the idea that things between you aren't rosy so wanted to keep a distance.

Otherwise it's just rude.

Realistically, can you account for time when he would physically be able to see a woman on his own?

Because he never acknowledged you when you were there, I would be suspicious that there's a narrative about you which you know nothing about.

Shame if your phone was missing /broken. What the reaction is should you ask to borrow his will tell all imo. Remember if you feel he is being sneaky yanbu to try a few sneaky ideas also.

My ex did this and he was the last person I, or anyone, would think would be unfaithful, but a 24yr old woman at his work turned his head. Initially I was told, and believe it was an emotional affair, but it came out later it was physical.

Keep your tinder dry op, stop asking him but watch, I'd also take a look at his phone if you can, or check up on where he is, visit the club at times etc. I know it's not the done thing, but I also know the not knowing can drive you crazy, sometimes you need answers. It's not looking good tho