DH acting strange

[Anyoneforacoffee]

Hi all, I needed to come on here for advice. Please no nasty comments as i am feeling a tad fragile. Sorry for the long post.
Recently I have had a gut feeling something isn't right with my DH. We are both in our mid-fifties, married 22 years have 3 Dc's, work commitments, 2 dogs so life is hectic like it is for everyone.

The thing is i think he may have feelings for someone else. Haven't any proof, just the fact he is on his phone alot, I come into a room while he is on his mobile and he will either switch the screen or he will turn his phone off, move away. He will go into the bathroom, etc. I have asked him why he does this and he will say, I do the same, which I don't. He is very involved with our Ds's sports club so I know some of the messaging is to do with this.

Everyone loves him. He would be the last person I would feel would cheat but being a member of this site many people would have said the same with their partners. He has lots of friends, very popular with everyone and he is a half glass full sort of person. He isn't someone who doesnt get emotional. When we first met I didn't really know how to take him. Nothing worries him apart from our Dc's. He is a brilliant father and we have a nice family unit.

I realise as I am getting older, going through the menopause. (On HRT and amazing) I am finding everything more difficult. I have always been someone who thought positively and never thought this was possible after losing our other little boy, 13 years ago. Losing him, change us. We don't sweat about the small stuff so we just get on with our lives and make sure our family unit is happy.

My FIL died so 4 years ago my MIL moved into our home. We converted part of our house so she could be with us. It has worked out well as she is a lovely woman and we have a brilliantly relationship. 18 months ago she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided I would look after her. She is ok, just her short term memory and she needs help with personal care, etc. I cook all meals, pills, organise doctors/hospital appointments, hair, feet etc. I still work 1 full day a week. (Nursing) so have carers coming in on these days. Can work more but with the long shift with work and home, I am exhausted.

My DH has a skilled job and paid very well so I find the bulk of the home falls on me.
It has been working well but I am starting to feel resentful towards my DH. I have said to him recently that I feel like I am over looked by him, taken for granted but he will always come back and say. If you find mum difficult then maybe she should go into a home. He had been a brilliant son to her so not sure why he made these comments.

I have asked him if there is anyone else. I have said I just need honestly but he swears to me there isn't. He loves our family unit, we talk about our future etc but I just can't put my finger on why I have this gut feeling.

We went away and had a lovely time but the same thing happened with his phone. Sneaking off to use it. He rang my phone to make sure his phone had a connection. I said, are you waiting to hear from someone and he said no, just checking my phone is working. I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything. What is the point. If he was having an affair he wouldn't say.

We came home from our break and I was putting the ironing away. Seen the box of condoms we don't use was open and 1 missing. When he came up to see me, I said we don't use these so why is one missing. He was very cool about it and said, I am embarrassed but when you were out with the dc's I had a posh wank. He knows if he was unfaithful this would be it. He is adamant this is what happened but I don't believe him.

I don't want to break up my family unit and I do love him but I am really starting to resent him over things and the way he is.
Apart of me thinks, it is me over thinking. He always says I over think, sensitive, etc. We moved away to a tiny rural village 15 years ago. I haven't enjoyed living here, bullying with my oldest, village life isn't for me but I just get on with things due to our Dc's being happy. I was also very out going, lots of friends from the city I grew up in. Still see them when we can. Where my DH settled in straight away and loves it where we live. I have made friends here but find them up and down. Jealously over things, can be bitchy and I find them hard work so keep people at arms length.
I love seeing my old friends due to them being very different. They have always be fun and supportive but when we do catch up I don't want to be moaning on about my feelings as we don't see each other very often so I bottle things up. As you can see from this post. I tend to ramble.

I feel very uneasy at the moment. Part of me want to go fu*k it. I will leave and it will cause so much destruction but mostly I want things to go back to how they were with my DH. He has said, he will never leave. If I am unhappy, it will be me. Just finding I am a buddle of anxiety with it all and don't know where to turn. I don't want to unsettle my Dc's lives. I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't a great relationship with my own parents. My DM is a Jealous person and she had been up and down with me my whole life. So I know I can over think things as I was always treading on egg shells growing up. I suppose I feel better for writing down my feelings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Thank you for all the advice. It is really helping me.
To answer a few questions.
I do love my DH very much. I am not staying for financial security as I have my own private pension, savings. Not alot but enough. I have paid off my debt. Had it since in my twenties but finally it is paid. Joint mortgage.
Good idea with training courses which I will look into. I can study at home and look after DMIL. I know if her health deteriorated then we would have to place her in a home.
He doesn't use Facebook, etc.
I have been wondering with someone at work. He can't work from home. It is the nature of his job. I think it would more than likely be a parent. He is the manage of the sports team so has to be very involved. He does it for our DS's but enjoys it. I can't always go along due to my DD sports commitments.
I think things have been more hectic at home in the last year or so. In the week we hardly see each other with Dc's clubs, DMIL but we do make sure we spend one evening together over the weekend to have a few drinks, bite to eat, listening to music/film or pop out somewhere. We have always got on so well, both placid but I know people who you would think would never spilt but go their separate ways.
I won't drive myself mad but I am sure if he is having an affair then it will only take time for me to find out. I hope I am wrong. Just a few things make me doubt him. The condom, late night checking messages, call and when we arrived at the airport and waiting for our plane. He said he needed to get something from duty free. I knew he was checking his phone and the same when we were on holiday and around the pool. He said he had to go and sit inside due to a sports related issue he needed to sort out. He was on his phone but never sorted out the issue. I am just going around in circles. We need to start caring for me as I need to be feeling 100% for my dc's. My youngest is very sensitive and always picks up on things. I have to think of them.
Thanks again for all your input. It is so helpful. I am going to write things down when I get a chance.

Yes I would say I can't find mine can I have his to cal it then start walking around the house with it so ask for it- if he won't give it then something is up

If there’s something going on it sounds like it’s at the sports club.

Hi op , get yourself a good voice activated recorder.. put it under the seat of his car ...Don't ask him any questions, make him think your not suspicious until you get enough proof..Unfortunately I heard my stbx husband and his mistress having full blown sex in his car ..I was devastated .We were together 34 years ..

So sorry you are going through this. @Hopelessromatic
34 years is such a long time and for him to throw it all away. I hope you are doing ok since you found out and taking care of yourself.

It's a dealbreaker for me too. My marriage would be over if I discovered DH cheating.

BUT as far as 'leaving' (and I know I'm hypothesizing here), in your situation you might possibly have some leverage on just who leaves and when. IF you want to keep caring for MiL and especially since the children are still 'dependent', then I'd tell DH that unless he wants to bear that caring responsibility himself, HE will leave the house and live elsewhere but continue to pay his share of the mortgage and insurance AND his mother's food and in exchange you will continue caring for her. And he will also pay child maintenance. That would give you some 'breathing room' until her needs get too severe for you to handle, she passes on, or you just don't want to do it anymore. I'd also add a clause that his paying half the mortgage & insurance would continue for 6 months after she dies or goes into care to allow you to arrange your finances and find a place to live.

I think honestly, even though you haven't confirmed any cheating, the 'fundamentals' on which you built your trust in him have, well, shifted. It may be time to quietly see a solicitor to find out your position wrt assets, pensions, and child maintenance. As well as to find out if what I suggested is even possible to 'nail down' legally if it's something you might consider. I'm not saying whether he's cheating or not nor whether your marriage is 'doomed'. I just think you're already hearing little 'cracking' sounds in your marriage's foundation and it's better to educate yourself rather than be (financially) blindsided by what divorce would mean to you. Forewarned is forearmed.

My exH was doing the same thing with his phone shortly before he announced our marriage was over. I found it strange and definitely had a gut feeling which I keep on sweeping aside because he is a lovely guy who’d never do that. He denied an affair so I’ll never know for sure but he now lives with the person I suspected he had feelings for.

Thisnameforthisthread sorry to be dumb - can you explain, proof in his laundry?

Ask to borrow his phone, his reaction will tell you

The ignoring me at an event would tip me over the edge after everything else

It may be time to quietly see a solicitor to find out your position wrt assets, pensions, and child maintenance. As well as to find out if what I suggested is even possible to 'nail down' legally if it's something you might consider. I'm not saying whether he's cheating or not nor whether your marriage is 'doomed'. I just think you're already hearing little 'cracking' sounds in your marriage's foundation and it's better to educate yourself rather than be (financially) blindsided by what divorce would mean to you. Forewarned is forearmed.

This is very good advice from @AcrossthePond55 . Knowing where you potentially stand will remove some of the fear of the unknown @Anyoneforacoffee .

@feelingfree17 semen stains. They were only there when he'd been out. I first noticed by mistake then became like a mad woman checking his boxers every time he'd been out. It was a horrible time.

@Anyoneforacoffee, you are such a loving person and I feel angry about your H’s hurtful behavior toward you. Something illicit is going on.

You and H suffered the great loss of your son, yet you forged ahead to take beautiful care of your family, including your lovely MIL who has extra needs. As you also work outside the home, you are understandably exhausted. You deserve H’s utmost respect and support, yet he is being deceitful, secretive, manipulative, and almost certainly unfaithful. He is harming all of you.

How dare he publicly humiliate you by blanking you at the sports club. That contempt must have been for OW’s benefit, or her friends’.

When you’ve asked H for honesty, he dismissed your concerns with manipulative blame-shifting by accusing you of overthinking and being overly emotional due to HRT. In my view, it’s time to investigate his phone, email, statements, pockets, etc. Something key may be found. Your emotional health is being adversely affected and you need answers.

@Anyoneforacoffee, please keep posting here for support.

Thisnameforthisthread Thankyou for clarification. I say do whatever it takes to catch these lying cheats, as it can literally send you mad. Such a horrible time for you, but so pleased to hear you now have peace in your life.

OP, you sound such a beautiful soul and deserve so much better. My heart goes out to you having lost a child, the worst grief. As kind as it is to always put everyone before you, it doesn’t always serve you well, particularly if your partner in life does not recognise this and support you. You just become a bit of a doormat.

Time to start doing things for you. Look in to your career and options to upscale should you need to. Speak to a Solicitor, so you know exactly where you stand. Spend money on yourself. Have a weekend away, book a Spa! Employ a cleaner so you have more free time to enjoy your passions. Us women/mums are not good at putting ourselves first, but we cannot keep giving from an empty vessel.

Use every means you can to try and discover exactly what he is up to, and no, I don’t think a phone check should be off limits. The sooner you know what you are dealing with, the better. You don’t even have to admit what you know or act immediately, but just plan to make yours and your children’s future the very best you can.

I do so hope that the silly man is not messing around. What a fool if he is.

Keep posting. You will get great support and advice on here 💐

Sorry you are so worried about this. Listen to your gut feeling though that’s what it’s for.
Regarding the phone my now ex changed his phone behaviour when he started his affair. He went from using his work phone for things to asking me to get him set up with a new phone ‘so he could turn his work phone off and forget about work’.
new phone was never put down anywhere ever, it was either in his hand or in his pocket. Never left on the side when he had a shower or anything. Evenings spent with him on his phone. When I said could he put it down so we could have quality time together he just said that I was always on my phone as well.

Yes he was having an affair - with someone we both work with. I trusted him with everything and had no idea.

You need to get one of these. Charge before use and place in either in ( if you have access to) or under his car ( not near the wheels. You download the app, place app (say in your collection of apps for Google) or if you have a secret file put it in there and can then check out his movements. Turn pop up notifications off. If you want any help, pm me. It would drive me insane not knowing my reality and if I was wasting time married to a low life cheater who was putting my sexual and mental health at risk.

https://www.trackershop-uk.com/the-micro-magnetic-4-covert-car-asset-tracker.html

Thank you @feelingfree17

I hope you're okay @Anyoneforacoffee and have had an as peaceful as possible day.

@Anyoneforacoffee we
are all here to listen. You have done nothing wrong here. You just have to find your ‘best’ path through this no one else’s. Just yours !

How are you doing OP - are you okay?

@SadButStillTrue thanks for asking. I am ok. I haven't had another chat about my fears. Just taking one day at a time.

Best way, as you say, one day at a time whilst also keeping super vigilant. If there is anything to hide, he will slip up at some stage. Not on it as much as us women (little surprise there)

I'm glad you're feeling okay despite your concerns still being there. I hope things improve in a more complete way for you very soon, whichever way this lands for you