DH acting strange

[Anyoneforacoffee]

Hi all, I needed to come on here for advice. Please no nasty comments as i am feeling a tad fragile. Sorry for the long post.
Recently I have had a gut feeling something isn't right with my DH. We are both in our mid-fifties, married 22 years have 3 Dc's, work commitments, 2 dogs so life is hectic like it is for everyone.

The thing is i think he may have feelings for someone else. Haven't any proof, just the fact he is on his phone alot, I come into a room while he is on his mobile and he will either switch the screen or he will turn his phone off, move away. He will go into the bathroom, etc. I have asked him why he does this and he will say, I do the same, which I don't. He is very involved with our Ds's sports club so I know some of the messaging is to do with this.

Everyone loves him. He would be the last person I would feel would cheat but being a member of this site many people would have said the same with their partners. He has lots of friends, very popular with everyone and he is a half glass full sort of person. He isn't someone who doesnt get emotional. When we first met I didn't really know how to take him. Nothing worries him apart from our Dc's. He is a brilliant father and we have a nice family unit.

I realise as I am getting older, going through the menopause. (On HRT and amazing) I am finding everything more difficult. I have always been someone who thought positively and never thought this was possible after losing our other little boy, 13 years ago. Losing him, change us. We don't sweat about the small stuff so we just get on with our lives and make sure our family unit is happy.

My FIL died so 4 years ago my MIL moved into our home. We converted part of our house so she could be with us. It has worked out well as she is a lovely woman and we have a brilliantly relationship. 18 months ago she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided I would look after her. She is ok, just her short term memory and she needs help with personal care, etc. I cook all meals, pills, organise doctors/hospital appointments, hair, feet etc. I still work 1 full day a week. (Nursing) so have carers coming in on these days. Can work more but with the long shift with work and home, I am exhausted.

My DH has a skilled job and paid very well so I find the bulk of the home falls on me.
It has been working well but I am starting to feel resentful towards my DH. I have said to him recently that I feel like I am over looked by him, taken for granted but he will always come back and say. If you find mum difficult then maybe she should go into a home. He had been a brilliant son to her so not sure why he made these comments.

I have asked him if there is anyone else. I have said I just need honestly but he swears to me there isn't. He loves our family unit, we talk about our future etc but I just can't put my finger on why I have this gut feeling.

We went away and had a lovely time but the same thing happened with his phone. Sneaking off to use it. He rang my phone to make sure his phone had a connection. I said, are you waiting to hear from someone and he said no, just checking my phone is working. I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything. What is the point. If he was having an affair he wouldn't say.

We came home from our break and I was putting the ironing away. Seen the box of condoms we don't use was open and 1 missing. When he came up to see me, I said we don't use these so why is one missing. He was very cool about it and said, I am embarrassed but when you were out with the dc's I had a posh wank. He knows if he was unfaithful this would be it. He is adamant this is what happened but I don't believe him.

I don't want to break up my family unit and I do love him but I am really starting to resent him over things and the way he is.
Apart of me thinks, it is me over thinking. He always says I over think, sensitive, etc. We moved away to a tiny rural village 15 years ago. I haven't enjoyed living here, bullying with my oldest, village life isn't for me but I just get on with things due to our Dc's being happy. I was also very out going, lots of friends from the city I grew up in. Still see them when we can. Where my DH settled in straight away and loves it where we live. I have made friends here but find them up and down. Jealously over things, can be bitchy and I find them hard work so keep people at arms length.
I love seeing my old friends due to them being very different. They have always be fun and supportive but when we do catch up I don't want to be moaning on about my feelings as we don't see each other very often so I bottle things up. As you can see from this post. I tend to ramble.

I feel very uneasy at the moment. Part of me want to go fu*k it. I will leave and it will cause so much destruction but mostly I want things to go back to how they were with my DH. He has said, he will never leave. If I am unhappy, it will be me. Just finding I am a buddle of anxiety with it all and don't know where to turn. I don't want to unsettle my Dc's lives. I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't a great relationship with my own parents. My DM is a Jealous person and she had been up and down with me my whole life. So I know I can over think things as I was always treading on egg shells growing up. I suppose I feel better for writing down my feelings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

@Maddy70 why on earth would the Op show husband this thread? He is not going to go 'oh well ok yes I am having an affair'

If it is a deal breaker, which it sounds like it is for you, Keep you cards close to your chest and start sleuthing.

It sounds to me like an affair.

Personally, I would just ask him in a gentle way, explaining what is worrying you, what your concerns are, and how you are feeling. If he gets defensive, starts passing off the blame, etc that is probably your answer.

If my other half came to me and said this is how she is feeling, I would want to make sure she didn't feel this way and that she had nothing to worry about. I would hate to think that she would be feeling concerned when she really shouldn't. If my behavior is giving her worries then my behaviour needs to change. He may not even realise he is doing it.

However, if he doesn't go out of his want to assure you then I would think something is up. If he gets angry or defensive or deflective then again I would think something is up.

(ps this is a male perspective here)

It was basically the same strong suspicion that something was amiss but he was SO believable with his lies. If I raised the subject with him it would be turned back round on me or he would take to his bed for three days (I shit you not). This went on for years, I felt like I was going out of my mind but couldn't articulate why. He did all that but also seemed to be my best friend, when it suited him. He was otherwise abusive would not let me end the marriage so I had to wait until he was ready to move in with the OW (he had been triangulating her and me). In the meantime he benefitted from all I had to offer, and more. It's little wonder he's so fat, with all that cake.

I have grown a lot since we've been apart, I can see now what I was enduring and why I had no power.

The overthinking is natural in your circumstances, I think. You are seeing one thing, he is telling you something else, doing whatever he can to make you doubt yourself. Do not doubt yourself. He has things to lose, you do not (well your life as you know it but that's changed now).

You may or may not find evidence of cheating, do you really need it now that the trust has gone?, but I agree with PPs, do things for you, let him look after his mother for a few days and carry the household load. Work on YOUR life and he will become less important.

Also you saying he ignored you when he was with other people, my ex did similar. He was constantly on at me that I wasn't interested in meeting his friends etc etc but I realise now he didn't actually want any interaction between me and them. If we bumped into any of them when we were out he would actively stand in between me and them and hurry me away. He didn't want them to know the real me, the one who wasn't stopping him from living his life.

Wow, that sounds familiar!

I do wonder occasionally what he must have said judging by some of the looks I got.

I say that if someone believes something on hearsay then they're not worth knowing, but it's hard because any third party will assume a person is speaking the truth about his wife.

OP the above sounds about right to me. Sorry. As everyone says, do more paid work, less caring for his DM, show up at the sports events, get some voice recorders. You need clarity and independence.

You sound lovely, I'm sorry you are where you are. As they say, sometimes the only way out is through...

"If I find out he is cheating, we are done"

You already have OP. You know it. Just because he hasn't owned up to it, it's very clear from the phone behaviour and a missing condom that he is, or has cheated.

We don't need someone to admit to what they've done for it to have happened, and he's gaslighting you right now.

The ignoring you when you attended one of his clubs however was awful. Noone would do this to me and get away with it. That single act was so disrespectful, so callous, I'd have ended the relationship on that, but then I have a 0 tolerance for fuckwittery and disrespect.

Be smart. Get legal advice, get copies of all financial information and most importantly get your head into the fact he's ahead of you. Don't let him control what happens next. You want to be in a position of strength when you tell him you won't be disrespected, gaslight or cheated on, and you don't need his admission to know what he's done.

We have your back. Don't let yourself be the victim here OP. Too many smart women who can support and advise you through this are here waiting for you.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread as just about to log off, but I think your spidey sense might be right on this one.

There's a specific furtiveness when someone doesn't want you to see their phone and they think they are being nonchalant and they don't do that when it's about the sports club.

The condoms box is interesting. Have you a child remotely old enough (and I don't mean necessarily 16, although it ought to be) to have got or out been given a condom? If not this is very suspicious indeed.

Kudos to you for looking after your MIL too. The first bit of your OP made me think "well, no, not everyone is busy with 2 careers plus 3 growing kids plus pets in their 50s because not everyone arranges their lives like this or bothers with pets when already busy" and that does still apply to this case, but taking on caring as well, it's no wonder what was probably a balanced if busy family life is now too full and having problems (not excusing any cheating at all but all that can affect relationship in many ways). Was it expected (by him/them) that you would take on the caring due to your skills and preferences, or have you actively chosen for him to work FT while you work PT and do the caring?

Could the furtive behaviour around the phone possibly be cam girls/Only Fans or even very dodgy porn? 🤔

@Thisnameforthisthread so sorry this happened to you. It is sh*t isn't it.
I hope you are in a better place and happier with him. Thanks again for taking the time to message me.

Sorry. Meant to say without him.

Voice activated recorders? I had no idea there was such a thing. I am amazed.

I do think this chap would like if he was having an affair as he has too much to lose with mums care.

I would do what another poster has suggested and try to get near his phone. Messages also sync with a laptop and iPad.

if he's changed his password that's even more suspicious.

are location services turned on?

Get hold of that phone. Just pretend you’ve mislaid yours and ask to borrow his. Don’t take no for an answer.

if you don’t find anything (he might delete as he goes) get the voice activated recorder.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and kind words. I feel so much lighter from just talking. I thought taking the dogs out for a long walk helps but talking to other people is helping more.
I know I need to do things for myself. I go along to my excerise classes which have helped me so much over the years. I also know I need to see my friends more often when we can.
I am not one to snoop, but I will chat to my DH again. I doubt it will do any good but I will make it clear it is over if I find out any cheating has gone on.
He does watch porn. I have never minded and always known.
Sorry for anyone who has gone through the same but it is good to know it has worked out after all the pain and disruption.
My DH never expected me to care for his DM. It was me who offered. She is such a kind, lovely woman. I really love her so if I can keep her with us for as long as I can then I will. My Dc's love their nan and will make her lunch/cup of tea, sit with her because they have a lovely relationship. I don't want to disrupt any of this. Anyway it wouldn't be me but him.
My DH has always worked full time. Been in his job since he left school. He has worked his way up to the level he is now. I worked full time then went part time because of the Dc's. Thank you for all your support.

I'm sorry OP but there is little positive to tell you here.
Having been through similar myself (long since divorced), the phone use, condoms, sneaking off etc, all points to another interest away from home.
He won't fess up to you about it because ;

• he wants his cake and to eat it too
• his mother is being looked after by you with a massive saving on care costs and he doesn't have to bother himself.
• divorce is going to be a massive hassle and huge cost to him and he will then have to look after his own mother.

This is time to consider what is in all of this for you, because life sucks for you right now doesn't it.
Continuing as you are will eventually eat away at you and you don't deserve that, you deserve so much better.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 💐

Men don’t use random condoms for posh wanks. They just…don’t.

With that and this:

I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything

I’d say your gut is very much on to something.

I’m really sorry, it sounds like you have a lot going on. And he doesn’t appreciate anything that you do.

That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach is trying to get you to pay attention that something is terribly wrong. I wouldn't be having any more "words" with him - you will just tip him off! Then he can hide money or do whatever he wants if he thinks you are going to leave him. He has said enough to you and shown enough that he is detaching from you. Find proof. I firmly believe this will help you know that your gut was right and you are doing right to move on.

Get funds organised. Build your own life. Work more. Stop caring for mother in law - he can employ and pay for a carer or a home. She has dementia. It will only get harder and more time consuming and awful for you. ENOUGH. Free yourself up as much as possible. The older you get, the harder this will be so now is the time. You sound absolutely lovely. I found it rather heartbreaking when you said " He does watch porn. I have never minded and always known." You deserve so much better than looking after his children, mother, pets and home. The ignoring you in public was one of the dead giveaways. A long time ago my live-in long term boyfriend did this to me and I immediately knew something terrible was happening. I did some sleuthing and found out he was shagging my best friend who was also my boss at the time.

I completely understand not wanting to upset the status quo too much OP, I adore my MIL too and it sounds like your DC have a lovely relationship with yours. But the advice about focusing on you is as much about a mental shift as anything practical, it's about thinking in terms of 'me' instead of 'us', about asking yourself whether things he asks/expects if you actually suit you, rather than just him and about firming up your sense of self, separate to your wife/mum/carer roles.

That shift in your attitude will be noticeable even if it's completely internal and you don't make massive changes to your set-up, it will remind everyone (including you) that you deserve respect. It can't possibly hurt to reinvent yourself a little and show yourself (and him) what you're made of

I wish you'd get angry, op.
I feel angry just reading your thread. You are nice, but ffs get angry. Get your self respect up.

Go to work more
Or a hobby
Or just take days off

Dh cqn pay for his dm s carers or she pays

You do not need to be unpaid carer here except on your terms

Book two weeks away visiting your friends
Book carers for mil

Get away and think clearly what you want for your nx 20 years of life

Up your nursing shifts and agree with your husband, you MIL needs more care and you should now think about a home. Make sure you know where your paperwork is and that you have access to savings. In essence, get your ducks in a row. Is there a friend you can confide in? Also, if you split, with older kids he should assume they will want a say in custody and that 50:50 is often preferred in marital splits nowadays. Just so he is aware, he won't be walking away from his responsibilities.

OP, as tempting as it is to have "one more talk" with him, he's just going to clam up even more every time you raise the subject. Please stop doing the "pick me dance" and go grey rock on the subject. If you stop raising it and pretend you aren't bothered, he's more likely to slip up.

Meanwhile, get your ducks in a row. About your MIL, the fact is that she probably will need to go into a care home sooner or later. It's wonderful how you have cared for her at home but it's to the detriment of your security and autonomy. Pick up more shifts at work and tell DH he's going to have to arrange for carers to come for her, or you do it if you think he'll neglect her. Or look into other resources, but the fact is she could linger another 10 years and these are crucial years for you to secure yourself.

Again, assess your financial situation, quietly gather documents about your house and other assets, take a look at your pension and above all, start working more. The last thing you want is to be dependent upon him.

The ignoring you at the sports event was beyond the pale. He's just using you to care for his home and family. Don't be tricked by the occasional bone he tosses you in the form of a laugh or a cuddle.

This.

Also this gives me the absolute rage: When I asked about the missing condom he said I was emotional due to my hrt. You asked him something perfectly reasonable and he blames and belittles you. He's a gaslighting fuck.

Why are there condoms in the house if you don't use them, btw?