DH acting strange

[Anyoneforacoffee]

Hi all, I needed to come on here for advice. Please no nasty comments as i am feeling a tad fragile. Sorry for the long post.
Recently I have had a gut feeling something isn't right with my DH. We are both in our mid-fifties, married 22 years have 3 Dc's, work commitments, 2 dogs so life is hectic like it is for everyone.

The thing is i think he may have feelings for someone else. Haven't any proof, just the fact he is on his phone alot, I come into a room while he is on his mobile and he will either switch the screen or he will turn his phone off, move away. He will go into the bathroom, etc. I have asked him why he does this and he will say, I do the same, which I don't. He is very involved with our Ds's sports club so I know some of the messaging is to do with this.

Everyone loves him. He would be the last person I would feel would cheat but being a member of this site many people would have said the same with their partners. He has lots of friends, very popular with everyone and he is a half glass full sort of person. He isn't someone who doesnt get emotional. When we first met I didn't really know how to take him. Nothing worries him apart from our Dc's. He is a brilliant father and we have a nice family unit.

I realise as I am getting older, going through the menopause. (On HRT and amazing) I am finding everything more difficult. I have always been someone who thought positively and never thought this was possible after losing our other little boy, 13 years ago. Losing him, change us. We don't sweat about the small stuff so we just get on with our lives and make sure our family unit is happy.

My FIL died so 4 years ago my MIL moved into our home. We converted part of our house so she could be with us. It has worked out well as she is a lovely woman and we have a brilliantly relationship. 18 months ago she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided I would look after her. She is ok, just her short term memory and she needs help with personal care, etc. I cook all meals, pills, organise doctors/hospital appointments, hair, feet etc. I still work 1 full day a week. (Nursing) so have carers coming in on these days. Can work more but with the long shift with work and home, I am exhausted.

My DH has a skilled job and paid very well so I find the bulk of the home falls on me.
It has been working well but I am starting to feel resentful towards my DH. I have said to him recently that I feel like I am over looked by him, taken for granted but he will always come back and say. If you find mum difficult then maybe she should go into a home. He had been a brilliant son to her so not sure why he made these comments.

I have asked him if there is anyone else. I have said I just need honestly but he swears to me there isn't. He loves our family unit, we talk about our future etc but I just can't put my finger on why I have this gut feeling.

We went away and had a lovely time but the same thing happened with his phone. Sneaking off to use it. He rang my phone to make sure his phone had a connection. I said, are you waiting to hear from someone and he said no, just checking my phone is working. I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything. What is the point. If he was having an affair he wouldn't say.

We came home from our break and I was putting the ironing away. Seen the box of condoms we don't use was open and 1 missing. When he came up to see me, I said we don't use these so why is one missing. He was very cool about it and said, I am embarrassed but when you were out with the dc's I had a posh wank. He knows if he was unfaithful this would be it. He is adamant this is what happened but I don't believe him.

I don't want to break up my family unit and I do love him but I am really starting to resent him over things and the way he is.
Apart of me thinks, it is me over thinking. He always says I over think, sensitive, etc. We moved away to a tiny rural village 15 years ago. I haven't enjoyed living here, bullying with my oldest, village life isn't for me but I just get on with things due to our Dc's being happy. I was also very out going, lots of friends from the city I grew up in. Still see them when we can. Where my DH settled in straight away and loves it where we live. I have made friends here but find them up and down. Jealously over things, can be bitchy and I find them hard work so keep people at arms length.
I love seeing my old friends due to them being very different. They have always be fun and supportive but when we do catch up I don't want to be moaning on about my feelings as we don't see each other very often so I bottle things up. As you can see from this post. I tend to ramble.

I feel very uneasy at the moment. Part of me want to go fu*k it. I will leave and it will cause so much destruction but mostly I want things to go back to how they were with my DH. He has said, he will never leave. If I am unhappy, it will be me. Just finding I am a buddle of anxiety with it all and don't know where to turn. I don't want to unsettle my Dc's lives. I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't a great relationship with my own parents. My DM is a Jealous person and she had been up and down with me my whole life. So I know I can over think things as I was always treading on egg shells growing up. I suppose I feel better for writing down my feelings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune we stopped using them when I had the coil fitted 2 years ago. (Hrt). I haven't given them a second thought but obviously my DH has.

I won't be asking him again. Will wait and see. I am sure he will slip up at some point. If I find proof I will be so fu*king angry. He will be so stupid to ruin our family unit for sex or maybe it will be for love. Who knows.

I think what hurts so much is the thought of him being unfaithful and I am at home taking responsibility of everything. I just wouldn't think it would be possible as like I said before he would be the last person to cheat. I think people who have been cheated before would say the same.

If I were you, I'd be going back to work.
I'd be telling him that I want to move house, too.
If it means the MIL going into a home, well, he did suggest that, in the first place.

He's getting an awful lot done for him by you. He's not doing his fair share and you're disenfranchised and isolated, as a result.

I think he is having an affair too.
Probably with one of the hard work women in the village?

@Anyoneforacoffee maybe this is a call to shake up things anyway. To share or change the status quo at home as to whom manages what. To get more involved in the sports events. To make more time for yourself.

I mean really though a posh wank… how often has he done that in all the time you’ve been together?

I think I’d be making moves about screen time in the home as well. So you can all be more present together. “Surely nothings that important - or more important than family/couple time darling that you have to be glued to your phone?”.

perhaps suggest more time for the two of you to do things instead of just being parents and in the same routine?

And if he is having an affair you’re changing behaviour will freak him out anyway…

I think what hurts so much is the thought of him being unfaithful and I am at home taking responsibility of everything

Thats exactly why you need to detach and start building up your own life OP, that feeling is not good whether he's cheating or not. It means you're being taken for granted and the only way to stop that is to drop the rope.

Is it is another woman I bet it’s a woman at the club your child goes to where he won’t talk to you

no, Man wank in to condoms

He won't fess up to you about it because ;

• he wants his cake and to eat it too
• his mother is being looked after by you with a massive saving on care costs and he doesn't have to bother himself.
• divorce is going to be a massive hassle and huge cost to him and he will then have to look after his own mother.

Yep all of that.

I wouldnt asking him again.
If you do, he’ll just be even more careful. And you won’t know what’s going on.

Tbh, unless you snoop, you’ll have to take steps to protect yourself. I’ll have a weird with DH and explain that the current arrangement doesn’t work fir you. You are in your knees (which is true). You need more support which incl carer/cleaner and him doing more at home Increase your hours at work p. Go and see your friends (Wo him!). Put yourself first fir a change and do stuff that works for you.

Because the reality is that you’ve built your life around caring fur others and you’ve forgotten to care for yourself too.

Putting yourself first for a change is tte best thing you can do just now. If he isn’t cheating, you’ll be more fulfilled. If he is cheating, you’ll have build a life away from him. You’ll be stronger. And will be able to tell him to get loss.

I'd hire a private detective to do what they are good at and see what happens

Yeah if there is an OW I can’t see her wanting to taking care fhis mother, and he clearly won’t!

What would you do if he was having an affair? If you'd want to stay married then maybe not knowing for definite is better?

Op don’t ask him about it again. You are clearly no longer privy to his thoughts and feelings. Your conversations are no longer mutual discussions. Instead you are now giving him valuable data, data that he will use to act in his own best interests.

The fact is, he knows you know. And he doesn’t care. He’s now emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you.

Get that VAR or physically take his phone and leave the house. Take it to a shop that can unlock it. The sooner you get the ball rolling the better.

Special offer today https://www.amazon.co.uk/Recorder-TDW-Activated-Recorders-Playback/dp/B07VXNTTZJ/ref=psdc_560884_t1_B08P55P739?th=1

Can you hire a private investigator? Seems dramatic but it should give you answers.

Agree that your entire life seems oriented around caring for others. Who is caring for you?? You need to start putting yourself first. Whether or not he is having an affair, your life is untenable as-is.

Does his mother have her own assets that could pay for dementia care? Can you access them?

Before you do any voice recording or whatnot, focus on your livelihood. What are opportunities for more hours at your present job? Can you change jobs and earn more?

You are isolated in a rural/village setting. Is that where you want to be? What are the options for moving house? Or getting a flat for yourself somewhere, with your increased earnings.

Does he pay the mortgage or do you split that bill? How much equity in the property?

He has said, he will never leave.

Because you make his life so much easier and enable him to do as he pleases in the world. Regardless of any affair (and you have significant reason for suspicion on that front) does he make you happy any more or are you there because you have a comfortable set up and the idea of change is scary? Are you hankering after a time before that, realistically, you can’t go back to? Because the marriage you’re describing, even if your H isn’t having an affair, doesn’t really sound like a great relationship for you. And our H doesn’t sound interested in making it better for you.

It’s really difficult when you have kids who are settled, especially kids across a wide age range, to imagine doing something that will disrupt their lives. But I think you need to work out how much your marriage means to you and where you want to be in 7 or 8 years when your 11 yr old is leaving school. Even if you stay for now because of your kids (and I’m not advocating that but I know many women end up doing so) should you perhaps be emotionally detaching from your life with your H and MiL and spending the years building up your capacity to have a successful life without him? Which would probably mean spending more time with your old friends, making sure you keep working so you can support yourself when you leave, maybe going for specialisms/training that will be more relevant when you leave, ensuring you have enough money in your own accounts to set yourself up elsewhere, keeping tabs on all the family assets so you know how much there is. As far as possible, make sure your MiL’s assets are used for her care, not family assets.

If you wait until the kids leave home to divorce, you can probably expect a fairly even split of assets, so there’s not much point in building up your own at the expense of family assets, but you do want to make sure you have control of a reasonable pot to make the transition easier. And it would make sense to use family assets to invest in your own earning potential (as your H has by having you at home doing all the caring while he works). So if there are things like training courses you could take, or paying for care for MiL (if MiL doesn’t have assets to pay for herself) so you can increase your experience in a more lucrative area of nursing, those would be good things to start doing.

Regardless of whether you start planning to divorce or not, two things you should be doing are getting an STI test and topping up your pension from the family pot. Even though pensions are shared assets in divorce, they aren’t always fairly split and if you don’t divorce, your lack of control over money in retirement could become a significant issue. Not just because he might spend more on himself but because it will be up to him how he takes his pension. Research shows that even people in happy marriages fail to take their spouse’s financial needs into consideration fully when they make those decisions.

If it is one of the mums at the sports club, it’s very likely one of your children have noticed and will be feeling very uncomfortable. It’s not unusual for people having affairs to use play dates as a weird date. My very young child was quite uncomfortable with his dads new friend and the new enthusiasm for play dates with her child.

If he is adamant nothing is going on, do you think he might consider some couples counselling / therapy? Just as a way to have a conversation where you will be properly heard? I have found that having another, professional, person in the conversation can help both parties feel a lot more understood?

If he is in any way abusive it is not a good idea to have couples counselling, it will more than likely leave the abused much worse off.

Thankyou @Anyoneforacoffee , I'm very happy now. On my own. Free to live my life the way I want to. Free to put the bread in the bread bin facing east (my life really is that thrilling but he really was that bloody twattish), free to speak to my family for however long I want and not having my calls timed, free to post on "fucking mumsnet". There is life after arseholes, I can highly recommend it.

But reading this thread is bringing back so many memories. I considered the private detective thing but had no way of finding one that he wouldn't have found out.

I remember being desperate for proof. There was proof, in his laundry, but I couldn't confront him, he always had an answer. He was such a good liar, so believable, and he would just shrug off my concerns ... until he was ready to leave.

If I can advise anything @Anyoneforacoffee , it's that you don't drive yourself mad looking or waiting for proof. If you can, take control. Don't let him decide your future, especially if he's thinking with his dick and his ego. Be very careful with your ducks, don't let him have the upper hand if or when it comes to separating. Mine obviously had it planned for a while as he tried to hide paperwork obviously in the hope he could fleece me for even more than he had already. They really are soulless bastards once they have discarded you.

And we're always here, with an ear

What opportunities does he have? Does he go out in the evening? Does he work from home? Could it be somebody from work?

surely their are other options, someone at work, old gf on facebook, sex chat sites....
If you go away for the w/e, tell him you are coming back in the evening & arrive at lunch time, or at DC sports activity, when he thinks you are away & he is "safe".

I would leave and I know it will be extremely painful but I won't be spending the rest of my marriage wondering why he is home late, who is he messaging. I would also make sure our dc's aren't hurt in any of this.

This is excellent advice; you should bookmark it, OP.

Take control, protect yourself, preserve and enhance your earning power. You don't want to be flailing around years from now.

Thanks @StellaJohanna x