DH acting strange

[Anyoneforacoffee]

Hi all, I needed to come on here for advice. Please no nasty comments as i am feeling a tad fragile. Sorry for the long post.
Recently I have had a gut feeling something isn't right with my DH. We are both in our mid-fifties, married 22 years have 3 Dc's, work commitments, 2 dogs so life is hectic like it is for everyone.

The thing is i think he may have feelings for someone else. Haven't any proof, just the fact he is on his phone alot, I come into a room while he is on his mobile and he will either switch the screen or he will turn his phone off, move away. He will go into the bathroom, etc. I have asked him why he does this and he will say, I do the same, which I don't. He is very involved with our Ds's sports club so I know some of the messaging is to do with this.

Everyone loves him. He would be the last person I would feel would cheat but being a member of this site many people would have said the same with their partners. He has lots of friends, very popular with everyone and he is a half glass full sort of person. He isn't someone who doesnt get emotional. When we first met I didn't really know how to take him. Nothing worries him apart from our Dc's. He is a brilliant father and we have a nice family unit.

I realise as I am getting older, going through the menopause. (On HRT and amazing) I am finding everything more difficult. I have always been someone who thought positively and never thought this was possible after losing our other little boy, 13 years ago. Losing him, change us. We don't sweat about the small stuff so we just get on with our lives and make sure our family unit is happy.

My FIL died so 4 years ago my MIL moved into our home. We converted part of our house so she could be with us. It has worked out well as she is a lovely woman and we have a brilliantly relationship. 18 months ago she was diagnosed with dementia and I decided I would look after her. She is ok, just her short term memory and she needs help with personal care, etc. I cook all meals, pills, organise doctors/hospital appointments, hair, feet etc. I still work 1 full day a week. (Nursing) so have carers coming in on these days. Can work more but with the long shift with work and home, I am exhausted.

My DH has a skilled job and paid very well so I find the bulk of the home falls on me.
It has been working well but I am starting to feel resentful towards my DH. I have said to him recently that I feel like I am over looked by him, taken for granted but he will always come back and say. If you find mum difficult then maybe she should go into a home. He had been a brilliant son to her so not sure why he made these comments.

I have asked him if there is anyone else. I have said I just need honestly but he swears to me there isn't. He loves our family unit, we talk about our future etc but I just can't put my finger on why I have this gut feeling.

We went away and had a lovely time but the same thing happened with his phone. Sneaking off to use it. He rang my phone to make sure his phone had a connection. I said, are you waiting to hear from someone and he said no, just checking my phone is working. I woke up in the early hours one morning and he was checking his messages. Not sure why he was checking them at 3am but I didn't say anything. What is the point. If he was having an affair he wouldn't say.

We came home from our break and I was putting the ironing away. Seen the box of condoms we don't use was open and 1 missing. When he came up to see me, I said we don't use these so why is one missing. He was very cool about it and said, I am embarrassed but when you were out with the dc's I had a posh wank. He knows if he was unfaithful this would be it. He is adamant this is what happened but I don't believe him.

I don't want to break up my family unit and I do love him but I am really starting to resent him over things and the way he is.
Apart of me thinks, it is me over thinking. He always says I over think, sensitive, etc. We moved away to a tiny rural village 15 years ago. I haven't enjoyed living here, bullying with my oldest, village life isn't for me but I just get on with things due to our Dc's being happy. I was also very out going, lots of friends from the city I grew up in. Still see them when we can. Where my DH settled in straight away and loves it where we live. I have made friends here but find them up and down. Jealously over things, can be bitchy and I find them hard work so keep people at arms length.
I love seeing my old friends due to them being very different. They have always be fun and supportive but when we do catch up I don't want to be moaning on about my feelings as we don't see each other very often so I bottle things up. As you can see from this post. I tend to ramble.

I feel very uneasy at the moment. Part of me want to go fu*k it. I will leave and it will cause so much destruction but mostly I want things to go back to how they were with my DH. He has said, he will never leave. If I am unhappy, it will be me. Just finding I am a buddle of anxiety with it all and don't know where to turn. I don't want to unsettle my Dc's lives. I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't a great relationship with my own parents. My DM is a Jealous person and she had been up and down with me my whole life. So I know I can over think things as I was always treading on egg shells growing up. I suppose I feel better for writing down my feelings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

You aren’t “overthinking” and you aren’t “over sensitive .” You are being used and betrayed by your husband. He has pushed you into the position of maid, nanny, carer, dog’s body while he plays father of the year so he can meet his affair partner at kid events.

I think you should consider increasing your work hours, decreasing your commitment to his mother, and get ready for him to divorce you if he and his OW decide to throw it all away for love.

Start thinking about yourself and your needs.

Hmm, well somethings not right isn't it? I wouldn't normally say this , but exactly when do you think he might be having a physical relationship? If he comes home on time and doesn't do anything such as 'go to the pub with his mates', then when does he see the OW? And the condom being missing, what sort of time frame are we talking about? Try to pin it down in your own mind, when he would have had the opportunity to use that condom with the OW. I'm the sort of person who would try to do just that; clarify in my own mind with any evidence when he had the opportunity and then put it to him.
Or do you think at the moment he is having an emotional affair, with lots of texting?
Whatever is happening, I think you need to say that you feel unhappy. You have a huge amount of caring duties and frankly it doesn't look like he is caring for you. That is ,in itself, not right.

He is very unlikely to admit to something unless you can get evidence. But it seems from this you don’t trust him, and once trust has gone, it’s over.
You need to decide if this is how you want to live.

The posh wank is nonsense. Given how desperate most men are to avoid condoms, I honestly don't think that beyond teenage experimentation men would choose to add a condom into their masturbation.

What a great post.

The compartmentalisation would also explain why he talks about the future with the OP like everything is normal, and also, how he can convincingly lie about the posh wank.

OP, you need something to happen which will shatter his compartmentalisation. I'm just not sure what might do that though.

I’ve been in this position and it played out in the typical painful way. It wasn’t necessary at all.

You need to take control. Buy a few cheap voice activated recorders from Amazon and leave them round your house. Put one in his car.

Confirm affair.
Say nothing.
Arrange for mil to go into a home or you will be left with her permanently.
Seek legal advice quietly
Increase working hours
Present him with divorce papers

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me and offering advice.
Deep down I know things have changed. After being with someone for a long time you get to know their habits, etc.
He definitely won't admit to an affair and if he is seeing someone I am sure they will be married.
The trust had gone and I have always based my marriage around trust. It is the sneaking in the bathroom, always covering his phone. We have each others passwords on our phones but he would definitely delete anything he doesn't want me to see. I haven't looked on his phone but I know he wouldn't leave any evidence. Hate this so much. I keep thinking I should turn a blind eye but I can't. I want to be respected and if things have changed for him to be honest. It happens. I have told him I feel unhappy and lonely but he doesn't know what to say and than says, he can't do anymore. When I asked about the missing condom he said I was emotional due to my hrt. Had to laugh as this is what I get told all the while. I feel brilliantly on my patch.
We generally get on, pub, dog walking, taking the kids out but I am 99% sure something is going on. I will find out.
If my gut feeling is true than that is it for me.
Also I have lost 4 stone in weight. Kept if of for 3 years, I go to the gym at the weekend, 1 evening a week when he is at home. He does comment sometimes on why I wanted to lose weight. I lost weight because I felt awful but now I feel better.
I don't know, just feel confused.

Please do everything in your power to hold on to your sanity. Situations like this are crazy-making. He's gaslighting you. You KNOW he wasn't having a posh wank, yet he's adamant he did, so doubt starts to creep in. This is a slippery slope. It's no wonder your anxiety is through the roof. Get a firm hold of your emotions now, otherwise you'll be a wreck of a woman and in therapy very soon. Be very clear in your mind that whatever happens next, it's not you who caused it. It's him. Don't allow him to put you in the position of the bad guy here. Take your power back. Do something for yourself. Tell him you're going to stay with a friend for a few days, then go and have a good time. Put yourself back as an equal partner, not just as the Head of Domestric Drudgery. Whatever happens next, treat your mental wellbeing very sensitively. It's precious.

@OhComeOnFFS thank you.
We were devastated when our little boy died. Never thought I would ever smile again but had to keep going for our older dc's. Thought we had a happy family unit. Thought we would be like this forever.

@omgsally you are right. I have actually been invited to stay with my old friends. I was in two minds as I feel crap but I am going. It will fun and a good night out with lots of food/alcohol.
If I find out he has cheated then I am done. I won't tolerate it.

@Anyoneforacoffee you are having a really tough time OP and sounds like you are a lovely person. Hang in there.

Google chumplady and find some support frim other people who have been cheated on. Get your house in order/ducks in a row and get ready to move on with your life. The best is yet to be!

Quite right and so you should. Go away for longer than 1 night. Leave him to it. Start to build a life outside of him. I understand the feeling of not wanting to, of wanting things to go back to how they were, for it not to be happening etc but you have to be brave and live in the here and now. Don't do the pick me dance. If it proves that your marriage is sadly over, then coming out of it with your self esteem and confidence in tact will be critical. Best of luck to you. It's the most awful thing and the road ahead of you is shite, so do everything you can to look after yourself.

You sound like such a lovely person and he is not showing you sufficient respect.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Can you visit the club & go unnoticed & observe his behaviour? That might be telling. I can't believe he treated you like that, ignoring you? Seriously?

The only other options are to look into his phone or email or as a last resort tell him you're thinking of ending your marriage & see how he reacts. Don't buy into the you're emotional narrative

Being cheated on is awful, I've been through it myself, but you will get over it, we will support you, just feels like shit for a while but you do come out of it stronger

Could you go through his phone for any contacts you don't recognise (put the numbers into WhatsApp). I'd also be turning up places when he doesn't expect me to and watching from a distance (the sports match situation sounds suspicious, maybe it's another parent from there)

I know people say you shouldn't snoop but carrying out some detective work in your position.

Blaming you for being too sensitive and whatever else is classic gaslighting behaviour. He’s turning the tables on you to cover up the truth of his lies. It’s a shame his mother lives with you as you can’t kick him out, because you will be left with the responsibility. Would it be possible to put down a deposit on a rental for you and your children? That’s what I did in my last marriage. The marital home will have to be sold and half will be yours eventually.

You need to reduce your care committments to your MIL. You say you only have carers on the day you're working? Extend that care - get someone in for the evening/meal bed routine on relevant sports nights. I assume it will come from her finances so if your DH objects to this then another red flag can be added, what valid reason could he give? You can then turn up to sports meets - you don't have to consult him about the change in care circumstances do you?

Its so hard when you know in your gut something is going on but your partner denies it. It can drive people crazy and to question their mind. I hate cheater say who deny deny deny because sometimes the pain and anxiety and mental torture that causes to the one being cheated on is actually worse than the act of cheating. It definitely sounds like he has someone else who has turned his head but he doesn’t intend to leave you. You know when your long term partner acts slightly different and there’s usually a reason for this. I also wouldn’t believe the posh wank story if that’s not something he normally does. I would be checking his phone as although he might delete stuff, you could see frequent contacts in what’s app or he might have missed erasing something.

Op, I'm not one to go against gut instinct but I am one to try and think of everything, and one question that sticks in my mind is what kind of skilled work he does? If it's something that requires huge levels of confidentiality then it could be he's working a case that takes up a lot of his time and be has to be shifty around phone messages?

I agree with others that you sound a balanced and lovely person so I hope this is not the worst case scenario for you.

I might be a bit toxic but I'd hunt down the evidence. Have you checked bank statements? Any hotel rooms? Latest stops on google maps?

You need to get your hands on his phone.

You need to take control. Buy a few cheap voice activated recorders from Amazon and leave them round your house. Put one in his car.

I second this. There have been many women on MN who have caught their husbands cheating this way. Leaving one in the car seems to work best.

You are getting excellent advice here OP, re-establishing yourself as an independent person has no downsides whether he is cheating or not. It's time to focus on you now, you are more than just his wife and his mother's carer and it can't possibly hurt to remind yourself (and everyone around you in the process) of that.

Take the focus off him and concentrate on what you want and what makes you happy, build your confidence and self respect as much as you can because they will protect you if it does turn out he is cheating. And if he isn't then it won't hurt for him to see you in a new light, I firmly believe that having self respect means you command respect from others.

Get yourself away on a retreat or just get off abroad for a few weeks. Stop accepting this crap treatment. A posh wank?! No fucking way. You know that is bullshit. It's highly likely his DM needs a home now so support his suggestions. You've got time in life to completely change your happiness levels and how you live. Don't let him shit on you.