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Original poster

Have been taken for a ride here?

119 replies

lostsoul88 · 19/07/2023 21:04

Ive been dating a girl since late December. It’s been a very slow burn, she works a lot and has a small child. Basically first three months we saw each other maybe every 2 weeks. Took two months to sleep together (fine by me no rush there) we talked about what she wanted, stable relationship maybe kids in future etc.
she’s always been very distant and guarded she rarely texts me unless I start a convo 1st.
she dodges questions all the time, “ what have been up to today?” Are you off next week anytime!?” Etc by changing the narrative.
In June we discovered she was pregnant, big surprise but we discussed things with me preferring a termination but also telling her if she wanted to continue then I would standby her and try and make things work.
I made it clear that in my view our relationship was rocky and that she should think long and hard that potentially she could be on her own in the future, and if she would be happy with that.
my family are all worried she has baby trapped me but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt but she’s not helping herself being so distant from me. I really like her and am keen to make things work but all the effort is very one sided.
I’m a high earner with assets, she’s rents a room in her mates flat.
not really sure what to do? 😞

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 19/07/2023 21:08

Don't have unprotected sex!

Whattodowithit88 · 19/07/2023 21:12

I wouldn’t say she’s trapped you, doesn’t sound on purpose if I’m honest, no one gets pregnant with the view of being a single parent, especially someone who already is, because she knows what’s in store, so it’s a 9/10 that it was a accident on her part too.

Sounds like she is either not in a good position to date but is trying when she shouldn’t be, or she isn’t that into you. Either way doesn’t sound like it’s a viable relationship

Whattodowithit88 · 19/07/2023 21:12

And next time wear a condom!

gotmychristmasmiracle · 19/07/2023 21:12

Does she have anyone else on the scene, strange she's so distant about everything. Or maybe she was just so hurt by her previous relationships that she's just really guarded.

Whattodowithit88 · 19/07/2023 21:14

Your assets mean nothing. Assets don’t mean a man is going to provide for a child.

Greenfree · 19/07/2023 21:17

I would get a DNA test. Have you been to her home etc to check there is no one else?

pastypirate · 19/07/2023 21:22

All sounds a bit chaotic

Original poster
lostsoul88 · 19/07/2023 21:24

Greenfree · 19/07/2023 21:17

I would get a DNA test. Have you been to her home etc to check there is no one else?

Was a bit weird really she wouldn’t let me back to her house at all. Then early June (6 months dating) she moved out into this flat with her mate.
whats odd is it is clearly a two bed place. First time I went there she pointed at a door and said that’s her sons room. I asked to see.and she said “oh I’m sure he would want to show you himself”, I was sure it was a cupboard. I even joked about it and she redirected, a month later I opened it and it was!
I said to her what’s this then and she laughed it off saying he sleeps int he other room (which is her flat mates). “Oh no it’s two rooms”, this is clearly a lie.
im guessing she doesn’t want to admit to me he sleeps in her bed (he’s 4).

OP posts:
teacherteacherss · 19/07/2023 21:29

I'm

Original poster
lostsoul88 · 19/07/2023 21:31

Should also mention she “borrowed” my brand new car (a week old) a month ago. She has her own car just parked up. I don’t drive a lot so don’t really mind. (Except walking home from work in the rain the other day).

I feel guilty asking for it back as she’s always saying “thanks for letting me drive your car”, etc etc.
my daughter is angry as I’ve had to borrow hers a few times and she like “why does xxxx have your car?”.

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 19/07/2023 21:37

Whattodowithit88 · 19/07/2023 21:14

Your assets mean nothing. Assets don’t mean a man is going to provide for a child.

Yeah but no doubt she could tell when someone is a decent guy who will do the right thing and pay up.

OP she sounds like trouble, so many red flags, not letting you at hers and avoiding questions for 6 month! This suggests she was still with someone else, or maybe she was living in circumstances she was embarrassed by but either way it's hardly showing a trusting relationship. The cupboard bedroom thing is very weird, and "borrowing" your car without asking is out of order.

I'd be wondering if this baby is even yours..

Greenfree · 19/07/2023 21:38

This did sound very odd behaviour, have you met any of her family? How old is she? I would definitely ask for your car back and be clear that you need a bit more honesty from her. I'm not sure if you have to wait for a DNA test until the baby is born but I would get one done at the earliest opportunity. Just from reading what you have said it does seem like she has seen you as a bit of a meal ticket and even if your relationship doesn't work she will still be able to claim maintenance from you

MrsCarson · 19/07/2023 21:40

Good gracious, go and get your car, and take notice of those red flags flying. She figured you for a guy who wouldn't provide and is already trying it on.
Get a DNA test on the baby once it's born. This is not a good relationship at all.

doitwithlove · 19/07/2023 21:41

First thing you need to do is get the car back.

Something is not adding up regards the girl's home life !

Greenfree · 19/07/2023 21:42

Also have you ever met her flatmate?

myNewName21 · 19/07/2023 21:43

MrsCarson · 19/07/2023 21:40

Good gracious, go and get your car, and take notice of those red flags flying. She figured you for a guy who wouldn't provide and is already trying it on.
Get a DNA test on the baby once it's born. This is not a good relationship at all.

100% this, sorry but it, you are being used as a meal ticket,
get your car back, get a DNA test asap

catsnhats11 · 19/07/2023 21:43

Hang on just realized she borrowed your car a month ago and hasn't returned it?!! Er what! Bang out of order and a very strange show of behaviour.

Original poster
lostsoul88 · 19/07/2023 21:47

Yes I agree a lot of red flags, I’m pretty sure the baby is mine we had unprotected sex once the day after her period. Obviously a mistake.
she’s fairly close with her sons father they meet every sat/sun morning for swimming/football together. They also text a lot and phone but I just put it all down to sorting out childcare arrangements etc. I can tell he’s still hung up on her after 18 months apart. She’s tells me she would never go there again, she walked out on him saying she just didn’t love him anymore.

OP posts:
Greenfree · 19/07/2023 21:54

If she has a standard menstrual cycle then there would be a higher chance of getting pregnant just after a week from when her period finishes, it can happen the day after of course but I think there is a good chance it might not be yours. Her behaviour just sounds shady and her loving situation makes no sense. My DD often sleeps with me but I wouldn't lie about that to my DP. I think you need to have long chat with her and definitely get your car back

Ilikejamtarts · 19/07/2023 21:59

I'm guessing she was either still with someone else when she first got with you or she was still living with an ex. If she is having to flat share with someone leaving her son with no bedroom then she's likely got money issues or living on a very strict and tight budget. And yes her son is probably sharing a room/bed with her. Saying the other room is split in 2 so he does have his own room is bullshit. If that's the case, why is her flat mate in the other part of the split room? Surely she would have that part as it's her son who's supposedly in the other part....
You either need to confront her and find or some truths, do some of your own digging or finish it as something is off here with her behaviour.
Also get your car back, I'll give you plenty of excuses if you don't feel like you can just directly ask her for it. If hers is sitting there unused I'm guessing it is money issues she is having and probably can't afford to run it, check online and see if it is taxed and mot'd. Have you insured her on the car or has she said she is covered through her insurance?

HarvardHarvey · 19/07/2023 22:03

The car thing is really strange. Get your car back.

TheModHatter · 19/07/2023 22:05

im guessing she doesn’t want to admit to me he sleeps in her bed (he’s 4).

I’m guessing her child’s room is in her marital home where she still lives when she isn’t having hook ups with you.

Though goodness knows how she is explaining the car.

Get the car back.

catsnhats11 · 19/07/2023 22:10

Fingers crossed the baby isn't yours, or that's a lie aswell. The whole thing is bizarre, I think the pp could be right, she's not living with a friend at all and just pretending. Is the car that's just sat there even hers? Could be the friends and that's why she doesn't drive it.

Whatever is going on this is hardly the basis of a good and long lasting relationship, struggling to see what you see in her. Maybe call her bluff and end it, the truth about the baby, and everything else, might come out then.

Original poster
lostsoul88 · 19/07/2023 22:11

Yes I added her to insurance the day she borrowed it. ( it’s a £40k car). Her’s is smaller and runs fine she left it with me for a week and I drove it twice then left it at hers as it’s a not my cup of tea!

I plan on confronting her this weekend when I’m home from a business trip. She told me she’s working Monday but I know for sure she’s off. I questioned her twice on it and again she changed the subject.

also I can track my car via an app and once asked her where she was and she said at the doctors I knew the car was at her flat so I asked if she was alone and she said yes. I asked if she took my car and she said no so I asked how she got there and she finally said her friend had taken her. (Another lie then? Not on her own at all). She then backtracked saying her friend had dropped her off and gone for a coffee or whatever. So weird.

OP posts:
StrawberryRainbows · 19/07/2023 22:13

Could she have become distant after you voiced your concerns about the baby and the relationship being rocky?
Perhaps she interpreted that as you not wanting it and therefore distanced herself?
Also massive Red flags. Are you sure she has split up with her ex and really work as much as she says she does?

So many unanswered questions here.
Time to start investigating.
And take your car back!