How to get over DH and me being ghosted

[Goldilocksandthe2kids]

A few years ago our family became very close friends with another family. DD and DS are in the same classes at school and best buddies!

Let's call the dad Jack and the mum Jane. Jane and I became good friends and would regularly chat, text, go out together. We used to see each other loads at parties, BBQs, sleepovers. We also often helped each other with looking after kids on some days, giving lifts ect. All mutual and no one took the piss. Jack and my DH became good buddies too.

About a year ago the invitations dried up from their side and an awkward vibe started. I invited over on a few occasions in a row and each time Jane made plans with us and then cancelled on the day with pathetic excuses. She always looked / sounded very sheepish when cancelling - almost like she was being made to cancel plans.

Foolishly, I still thought things were fine but Jack started to ignore me. He now blanks me completely, even when I walk right past him at school in a small space like the classroom! If I say hello to him he ignores me point blank. I've started to get really anxious about bumping into him at a school event and I hate how this makes me feel.

I've asked Jane directly on two different occasions what the matter is and if I've done something wrong but both times she has said everything is fine and they are just busy or she has blamed DH's mental health as he's struggling with a bereavement. They still see other friends as normal - we are just on the verboten list now! I feel like Jane isn't allowed to be friends with us as Jack won't allow it. Other friends have noticed Jack blatantly ignoring me and have asked what's up as they know we used to be close. Someone said it's like I had an affair with Jack! I haven't and nothing like that has happened between my DH and Jane.

When I see their DC they come over and chat happily to me if their parents aren't around but if Jack is there then the children just walk past me looking sad and wide eyed.

How do I get closure or how do I move on without closure? I'd like to know what I did wrong so I can apologise or understand their point of view. Should I text her? What do I say? Or do I just ignore them back and move on?

Our poor DC still keep asking for playdates! How do I explain this to them?

What does your husband say?

Oh blimey that's weird and awful.
You've asked and been fed some platitudes though so no idea what else you can do.
So sad for the kids!!

DH thinks it's fookin strange. Jack mostly ignores my DH too now. Jack will occasionally greet my DH if they walk right past each other. DH says to ignore and leave them to it but I can't get over it!

I bet one of them has confessed to having feelings for either you or your DH, and now they’re banned from speaking to you

I would assume this, but I do have a bit of an overactive imagination!
Did you ever get a sense of Jack/Jane having feelings for you or DH?

It might just resolve in time, but I feel for you! It must be so uncomfortable, and confusing for the kids too

Could it be to do with the kids? Was there an incident between them, did you intervene? Something you thought was all sorted but they are finished with you as a result?

I think the husbands mental health is probably the root cause.
Whatever the issue it's almost certainly an issue he has with himself and not you or your DH.
Could you meet with Jane and attempt a discussion?
Other than that I don't think you have any choice but to move on.

I would message and ask whats going on! I wouldn't be able to move on until i knew what I/husband had done wrong!

This is the only reason I can think of why Jane wouldn't just say what the issue was.

I think this is possible but not likely as it feels more personal and the dislike is def directed at me by her DH.

Hmmm, good point. Their one DC kicked off last time they were at our house as the child didn't want to go home. Jack was embarrassed by the child's tantrum.
Could this be the straw that broke the camel's back though?

This seems to be coming from Jack. Jealousy and insecurity are sometimes explained away with MH issues. I'd guess that he's decided that your friend has a thing for your DH so she's been warned off. Try to get over your propensity for jumping to it being something you've done, it's not you it's him.
It could even be something like your friend having compared your relationship more favourably to theirs, and he's taken umbrage to that - which proves the point. It's a shame your friend has a DH like him, he's obviously controlling this behind the scenes, which doesn't bode well for your friend.
Be civil when you cross paths, but you will have to accept that this friendship has come to an end, until and if, your friend choses to make as stand. She may need you in the future if gets the courage, but don't bank on it.

What would you say in your text? Help me craft one!

Thanks Opentoofers! That's really helpful. Her DH is insecure and he often has what she calls 'moods'. One of the last times we saw them Jane and I were chatting about previous relationships and Jack overheard and got angry about her talking about once having sex with someone other than him.

“One of the last times we saw them Jane and I were chatting about previous relationships and Jack overheard and got angry about her talking about once having sex with someone other than him.”

I think this is your answer, OP. He probably regards you as a bad influence. He sounds like a bit of a dick.

I’m not sure I’d assume it’s romantic. I’ve seen these thing happen, one couple has a very different interpretation of something that has happened, and/or maybe MH issues following bereavement hitting harder than you know…

in these school parent friendships people often don’t feel comfortable enough to have it out and say what’s wrong with them, so they go passive aggressive and ghost.

I would give them plenty of space. Your friends may come back to you. Or they may not and the space will help you to process and move on.

Exactly what I was thinking.
OP you’ll probably never know the truth so all you can do is forget and move on from it.

'You seem to be ignoring me and I'm confused as to why. If you're upset about something you think I've done, at least be big enough to tell me what it is'

I'd send this then blank him back if he isn't forthcoming. I hate people who aren't adult enough to say what their beef is.

How confusing and frustrating.
Possibly something to do with the kids? Perhaps their child has let slip something that happened when they were playing at your house - did you let them eat something/watch something/do something unsupervised that the other father has taken offence to and has then decided to keep them all away from your family?

Failing that, I'd try to get your friend on her own one day - don't text a question, but speak in person so you are face to face. And don't ask if something is wrong, tell her you know something is wrong.
For example,
Jane, I really miss our friendship, we used to have such a lot of fun together. I've obviously offended you and Jack somehow and it's really upsetting me that neither of you have explained what the problem is so I can't make it right. What can I do to make things better?
See what her response is. She'll either persist with the line that nothing is wrong, in which case, frustrating as it is you just need to accept and move on. Or you claiming to have done something wrong (when you haven't) may pull her heartstrings a little enough to bring the truth out.

Weird

I mean, you're right of course but how do I move on when bumping in to him makes me anxious? I'm a very confident person (I'm starting to think this may be part of the problem!) and in a very senior role so I'm not used to ever feeling like this.
We see them everywhere! Village fair, mutual friends get togethers, school events, children's parties. We are still in whats app groups together!

Don't be anxious, he's behaving like a dick head with his ignoring of you. Treat him with the contempt he deserves and move on. You've done nothing wrong.

What loobyloo just said ^
use your inner confidence, don’t give him eye contact, mirror his actions.

Jane and I were chatting about previous relationships and Jack overheard and got angry about her talking about once having sex with someone other than him

There you go. Insecure, jealous little man doesn't like wifey reminiscing with her friend about an old lover🙄

And it's possible that Jane had to "blame" you to avoid his wrath.

Realistically you don't really know what their true relationship is like. You know what they (or probably "he") allowed you to see.

I think you're just going to have to let this one go. You could message Jane and let her know that you're there if she ever needs to talk, but I'm afraid there'll be no closure on this for you.

I bet it's this.