How to get over DH and me being ghosted

[Goldilocksandthe2kids]

A few years ago our family became very close friends with another family. DD and DS are in the same classes at school and best buddies!

Let's call the dad Jack and the mum Jane. Jane and I became good friends and would regularly chat, text, go out together. We used to see each other loads at parties, BBQs, sleepovers. We also often helped each other with looking after kids on some days, giving lifts ect. All mutual and no one took the piss. Jack and my DH became good buddies too.

About a year ago the invitations dried up from their side and an awkward vibe started. I invited over on a few occasions in a row and each time Jane made plans with us and then cancelled on the day with pathetic excuses. She always looked / sounded very sheepish when cancelling - almost like she was being made to cancel plans.

Foolishly, I still thought things were fine but Jack started to ignore me. He now blanks me completely, even when I walk right past him at school in a small space like the classroom! If I say hello to him he ignores me point blank. I've started to get really anxious about bumping into him at a school event and I hate how this makes me feel.

I've asked Jane directly on two different occasions what the matter is and if I've done something wrong but both times she has said everything is fine and they are just busy or she has blamed DH's mental health as he's struggling with a bereavement. They still see other friends as normal - we are just on the verboten list now! I feel like Jane isn't allowed to be friends with us as Jack won't allow it. Other friends have noticed Jack blatantly ignoring me and have asked what's up as they know we used to be close. Someone said it's like I had an affair with Jack! I haven't and nothing like that has happened between my DH and Jane.

When I see their DC they come over and chat happily to me if their parents aren't around but if Jack is there then the children just walk past me looking sad and wide eyed.

How do I get closure or how do I move on without closure? I'd like to know what I did wrong so I can apologise or understand their point of view. Should I text her? What do I say? Or do I just ignore them back and move on?

Our poor DC still keep asking for playdates! How do I explain this to them?

I would just move on, and try not to worry too much. Your kids will find others to socialise with without too much bother, so encourage that. You don't know the reason, you may never. You are not responsible for everyone's hang ups and relationships, and what they think of you or your children. We meet many parents, some become firm friends, but not always. Always greet cheerfully, and let them sort their own shit out. It can be a bit puzzling (I have had a similar experience and wondered what I could do to solve it) and tried, but to no avail xx

Somewhere along the way, they’ve had a conversation at home where (possibly) Jack said ‘I don’t like the way …’ and Jane went ‘yeah, I agree.’ And they’ve decided to cool off. You might never know what that is. After asking twice, I’m not sure you can ask again what the reason is. You could text an invite, wait for the inevitable decline, and reply ‘okay, do you want me to stop asking you? - see what they say.

It’s a direct question, not framed in a ‘but why?’ way, and you will either get a reply or an ignore. Remember, non-communication from them is in itself a form of communication.

It sounds like Jack is controlling and abusive. He dictates who she is allowed to see and speak to. He felt humiliated when you discovered that she had been with someone else and he doesn’t cope with his own negative self-assessments, so makes it all Jane’s fault.
I would write to Jane and say “Dear Jane, DH and I have no idea what’s going on with Jack and you, but we miss you and we’re always here if you ever want to reach out. Love, OP.)

You’ve asked her twice. I wouldn’t bring it up again. If anyone asks you just shrug, smile and change the subject.

He sounds weird and controlling, but there's not a lot you can do. I'd retreat from your friendship with them and focus on the friendship between the two boys, if they're still asking for playdates. So I'd send Jane a message saying "Hi Jane, Mike and Zach have been asking to meet up. We could have Zach to play on these dates. If any work, we'll pick up or you can drop him, and then we'll drop him back outside your house at this time. Or we're going to this place on this day and would love to take him with us". So essentially behave like you would with a school mum or acquaintance you don't really know. If they're petty enough to stop their son playing with his friend, there's not really a lot you can do. Just greet them politely when you see them but don't initiate any further conversation.

Sometimes you need closure and sometimes you don't need it. In this case you'd have to accept, no closure and try your best to move past it. Even if you did eventually find out, why would you want to entertain people who act like that in the first instance. I wouldn't seek any more communication out from either of them. I would match my energy to their energy and keep it moving.

I had exactly this happen years ago when I was with my ex husband. I made friends with a woman at work and we instantly became a foursome with our partners. We did everything together for about two years, went out drinking, they came over for Sunday dinner loads, we’d even started planning a holiday together. One night out drinking the boyfriend in a roundabout way mentioned partner swapping to my ex, he wasn’t sure if that was definitely being inferred but made it clear he wasn’t up for it, and we never heard from them ever again. It was super weird.

Jack is a jealous insecure man

You've said something which has made him feel threatened (almost certainly nothing that any secure person would feel bad about)

As he's a controlling twat, no one is allowed to meet up now. His rules rule 🙄

I wouldn't bother to try to find out why this ghosting has happened. They won't tell you (deep down they all know its a ludicrous thing to ghost about)

I'd thank your lucky stars that you've discovered what he's like and you no longer have to have anything to do with him

When you see him, make a point of saying a jolly happy 'hi, how's you?' .... but keep on walking, as you know you won't get an answer.

I wouldn't let them occupy such a large space in your head rent-free. What a lot of emotional energy you've expended, even though you've already tried to find out what the problem is, they haven't told you to date, and are unlikely ever to come clean.

Sometime it's easier to just walk away than have to give a credible excuse as to why they don't want to be bezzie mates with you anymore and it's to hard for them to explain, so they haven't.

how best to move forward - acceptance, pure and simple. Accept this is now the situation, be sad for a while, even mourn the loss of the happy times you shared, but ultimately accept the change and move in to form other friendships.

Maybe don't get quite so emotionally invested though. It sounds like you out all your eggs in that one basket - hedge your bets in future and hold back a bit more, it never pays to go headlong into a friendship as people can pull the plug like that and if you are mindful of that possibility you can enjoy it for what it's worth and not be upset if you or they outgrow it / move away and decide it's too painful to say goodbye etc. people do seemingly weird things that are perfectly logical and reasoned to them.

I agree this is likely down to the fact that you were discussing past relationships. He's kicked off and had a go at her, she's blamed you as a means of defence because he's a bullying cunt.

So ignore the rude fucker. I mean act like he's not there. Do not catch his eye or do a hi/half smile thing. Do not placate or text or ask him what's wrong. Do not avoid places he's at either. Do not give him any power.

Be polite/nice/neutral to Jane if she talks to you first but in the end she's chosen to go along with this and you don't know what she's reporting back to him.

And FGS don't let it get to you. This is Jack's problem and his loss.

Once someone has effectively pulled the plug on a friendship no way would I try to keep it limping on by suggesting our DC still play together. That would be really weird!

It would mean you have to keep seeing a couple who you'd once been very friendly with and are now not even on nodding terms with. No way, Jose. Get new friends!

I wouldn’t make any further enquiries. It just makes you sound a bit desperate. It’s sad to loose the friendship, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Jack is a rude twat….
So next time you bump into him smile sweetly and say morning and walk right past. And just carry in with your life. Your kids can still play with their kids at school. If people ask about the relationship be honest…. We have absolutely no idea why they suddenly started behaving like this… we find Jacks behaviour very odd do hope he’s ok…. And move the topic on.

XH was controlling. He tried to create problems between me and my close/supportive friends. They were a threat to his control. I would suspect Jane’s phone is monitored hence why she can’t reply honestly.
I’d just text her and say you value the friendship and you’re here if she needs you. She might need it later. With him, I’d act like nothing was wrong and say a cheery ‘Hello!’ when you pass him but not try to make conversation.

Call him out on it and ask why he's so rude.

Whatever the reason you'll never find out given that Jane isn't able to be honest and he's and ignorant so and so.
Take back control and you and DH remove yourself from the WhatsApp with them and when you see him again ignore and he does - you clearly only knew the side to him he wanted you to see, this side sounds odd and controlling especially for Jane & the kids.
Rise above it

Rather than a text you could find an excuse to visit her whilst her husband is out eg take a cake round. Then see if you can get a conversation going, even on the doorstep. If her default is to pretend nothings going on it may be she insists on sticking to this

This is just part of life
friendships come and go
and while it feels like the end of the world at the moment
in a month or two you will bearly think about it
it’s clearly their problem
and obviously nothing you have done
sometimes this happens and you don’t get closure
leave them to it ..there probably isn’t even a valid reason they can give .
summer hols now ,a chance to take some space from them

You go to the events and just look right past them. You do not alter course or facial expression, if they are in a queue or you need to get past you say excuse me as you would any stranger.

Anyone who asks "what's up" you tell them a basic truth, "no idea they just started blanking us, odd but hey life's to short to worry about it eh"

Because life is too short to worry about it.

This is exactly what I was going to say, he thinks you are a bad influence corrupting his wife and he doesn't want you encouraging her not to put up with his shit behaviour. You are a threat to his control.

Exactly this. I know of so many people this has happened to.

OP,

Kindly meant but you really need to calm down.

Jack is clearly batshit insecure, nasty and controlling.

Stop going near him.

Anyone asks you whats going on you say "Jack is batshit, insecure and controlling, who knows what the hell is wrong with him..🤷🏻‍♀️".

Stop asking Jane.
TELL her that HE is clearly batshit and if she needs you, she knows where you are.

THEN step away and leave them alone.

Tell your children that their father is weird, you have no idea what is going on with him, but he doesn't want to see us and they will just have to accept this.

Jack is loving you chasing this and not accepting this.

Find your self respect, step away.

It really isn't healthy that you seem so unable to accept that Jack is clearly batshit and controlling and you CANNOT fix this.

Deep seated insecurity and inadequacy, coupled with him being a controlling arse, is what this is about.

NOTHING you do will change him.

Good luck.

There you go, op.

Bet that's it

I would honestly give up and blank them. I wouldn't want people who can do this in my life.

I had something like this happen. 3 couples with same age kids, of which we were one. We used to get together for a Sunday lunch every month, kids had fun together, we ate and chatted. This had gone on for quite a few years, all relaxed and easy.

It was our turn to do the Sunday lunch so I was asking a few times when they could make it and getting nowhere, just evading and 'I'll let you know'.

I could tell something was up.
One Monday morning I heard their kids talking and they had obviously done the Sunday lunch day before but without us. We were flummoxed. Sunday lunch never happened again for us and we never found out why. It was hurtful and I gave the two sets of parents a wide berth from then on, I don't want to be friendly with people who can do this.

Listen to this Op

@Roussette that's awful 😞