How to get over DH and me being ghosted

[Goldilocksandthe2kids]

A few years ago our family became very close friends with another family. DD and DS are in the same classes at school and best buddies!

Let's call the dad Jack and the mum Jane. Jane and I became good friends and would regularly chat, text, go out together. We used to see each other loads at parties, BBQs, sleepovers. We also often helped each other with looking after kids on some days, giving lifts ect. All mutual and no one took the piss. Jack and my DH became good buddies too.

About a year ago the invitations dried up from their side and an awkward vibe started. I invited over on a few occasions in a row and each time Jane made plans with us and then cancelled on the day with pathetic excuses. She always looked / sounded very sheepish when cancelling - almost like she was being made to cancel plans.

Foolishly, I still thought things were fine but Jack started to ignore me. He now blanks me completely, even when I walk right past him at school in a small space like the classroom! If I say hello to him he ignores me point blank. I've started to get really anxious about bumping into him at a school event and I hate how this makes me feel.

I've asked Jane directly on two different occasions what the matter is and if I've done something wrong but both times she has said everything is fine and they are just busy or she has blamed DH's mental health as he's struggling with a bereavement. They still see other friends as normal - we are just on the verboten list now! I feel like Jane isn't allowed to be friends with us as Jack won't allow it. Other friends have noticed Jack blatantly ignoring me and have asked what's up as they know we used to be close. Someone said it's like I had an affair with Jack! I haven't and nothing like that has happened between my DH and Jane.

When I see their DC they come over and chat happily to me if their parents aren't around but if Jack is there then the children just walk past me looking sad and wide eyed.

How do I get closure or how do I move on without closure? I'd like to know what I did wrong so I can apologise or understand their point of view. Should I text her? What do I say? Or do I just ignore them back and move on?

Our poor DC still keep asking for playdates! How do I explain this to them?

Sounds like the problem is with the husband and he’s controlling his wife and kids. I wouldn’t tackle her on it as she probably is already very embarrassed and saddened by the situation.

Perhaps you could say something to her like ‘Sorry we don’t spend time together like we used to. Always here for a coffee & chat if you’d like one’. So supportive rather than pushing her to say what’s actually gone wrong.

My money is on him black listing you as a 'bad influence'. Could be based on your conversation about previous relationships or perhaps Jane has relayed things you've done or said and he's judging you off that? Could even be that you're a more confident person than his wife and he doesn't like it, because he's threatened by a confident woman and doesn't want your confidence rubbing off on his wife...

I think given how close you were, you should just be upfront and ask. You have nothing to feel bad about, they are behaving terribly.

It's weird and nasty. BUT you have to ask him directly, even a text message as suggested by pp. You have nothing to lose and he owes you an explanation. Either way Jack & Jane sound like a couple of morons because, ultimately, who treats people (friends!) like that. Jacks being controlling towards you and Jane's gaslighting you. Well rid.

Some people love bomb new friends have a great time with them then bin them. They are the weirdos.

I have asked Jane...twice. I said something like, "Is there something wrong, Jack hasn't said a word to me all night. Has something happened? If I've done something wrong or said something stupid then I'm sorry. What's going on?"

She just said Jack was struggling after the death of close relative and they were really busy with funeral /visiting relatives.

I think he would just ignore which would drive me even more crazy!

As a pp said, don't text. Just wait until you see Jane and say "look, this is getting really awkward. It's got to the point that I daren't be in places where Jack is because he blanks me in a way that makes it very clear that he is very angry with me about something. I can't live my life this way, and I really need you to be honest about what's happening here, because I'm at a loss"

...And if she mentions the bereavement, say you understood that initially, but it's now very clear that he only acts this way around you, and is perfectly civil to other people.

Agree it sounds like this is coming from him. As you’ve asked and got no answers I think all you can do is say something like pp suggested “I’m sorry we don’t catch up much any more, I’m always here for a chat if you need.” Then let it go. Just keep telling yourself it’s not you, it’s him.

If you see Jack everywhere and he blanks you stop him in his tracks and ask him directly why he’s ignoring you and if you’ve done something wrong. You might get an answer that way

Seems possible - 'mentionitis' maybe. Or some random spiteful person has told one or other of them that you or your DH is not to be trusted around their spouse.

wow, he’s an ass. I feel so sorry for his wife and kids.

I would not push, OP. You never know what he’s putting them through at home. :(

It’s clear it’s nothing you’ve done - it’s him.

I once suffered with mental health problems after a family bereavement, but it didn't make me treat other people in the shitty way he's behaving towards you.

It’ll be almost impossible to identify the specific issue or event that triggered this, but it’s clear that something’s got into his head and he’s decided to make you the scapegoat. He’s obviously a weak, insecure man and - as we all know - there’s absolutely nothing those losers hate more than an intelligent, confident woman.

Don’t let him diminish you. Whenever you see him, no matter how anxious the situation is making you feel inside, style it out and ignore him first (IYSWIM!). Be your happy confident self and act like he’s not even in the room. Carry on with your day as though he’s not there. I appreciate it’s a horribly uncomfortable situation but it’s not going to change so you need to take control and not let it affect your life.

Absolutely do not text or speak to him about this. A grown man who approaches life’s problems with the mindset of a 14 year old in the playground is hardly going to engage in an adult conversation with you - and the more you ask and wheedle and act like you’re concerned about his good opinion of you, the more power you give him and the more you reinforce his idea that you’re somehow at fault.

It’s sad but you need to let this friendship go and move on. It won’t be lost on other people how much of a dick he’s being.

Ignore the fucker.

That's a very basic, race-to-the-bottom response

I'd have to ask him directly to his face. I know others have said not to do that but frankly that's just accepting juvenile behaviour. People like that don't like being called out but they need to me. Stupid man.

I had this exact situation happen to me. Went from love bombing us to ignoring us. No explanation at all. It was the same in that the wife still spoke if her husband wasn’t around and he just ignored us. They then just vanished. One day their child was attending school, the next gone. It was very strange.

I think the mature thing to do would be to completely ignore it is happening. Just smile and wave as if they aren't friends but school parents and chalk it down to people are bloody odd.

Bit of me would love to wave in his face and say "Hi Jack" very loudly every time I saw him so he would have to openly ignore me in front of other people and be the prick. But that would not be good advice.

We have been in a similar situation where distance has clearly entered a close friendship. We are still friendly and hang out now and then and as we live locally to each other, and we have had to handle it very carefully. Like you, we wanted to know what went wrong and I did broach it but got a very defensive reaction. I haven't asked again. Nearly two years on, we aren't too bothered and have genuinely moved on but it does take time. Ultimately, we realised the friendship didn't have as strong a foundation as we thought.

I bet this it it, Op. It would explain his hostility and her sheepishness.

It would also explain her not explaining why they’re ghosting you.

Has she ever moaned about him to you after a row and you've agreed with her he's a fool or something? Then when they've kissed and made up it comes out you badmouthed him and now he's blaming you for their row - cos it's easier to do that than address his or their issues?

@Nosexshambles I don't think you understand what Gaslighting really means. It's not just another word for lying! It means telling you something didn't happen when it did. What Jane is doing is saying that they don't have a problem with OP & DH when they do - that's just plain, old fashioned lying

How awful and awkward that you still have to mix with them. I couldn't engage tbh. They sound very weird.