How to get over DH and me being ghosted

[Goldilocksandthe2kids]

A few years ago our family became very close friends with another family. DD and DS are in the same classes at school and best buddies!

Let's call the dad Jack and the mum Jane. Jane and I became good friends and would regularly chat, text, go out together. We used to see each other loads at parties, BBQs, sleepovers. We also often helped each other with looking after kids on some days, giving lifts ect. All mutual and no one took the piss. Jack and my DH became good buddies too.

About a year ago the invitations dried up from their side and an awkward vibe started. I invited over on a few occasions in a row and each time Jane made plans with us and then cancelled on the day with pathetic excuses. She always looked / sounded very sheepish when cancelling - almost like she was being made to cancel plans.

Foolishly, I still thought things were fine but Jack started to ignore me. He now blanks me completely, even when I walk right past him at school in a small space like the classroom! If I say hello to him he ignores me point blank. I've started to get really anxious about bumping into him at a school event and I hate how this makes me feel.

I've asked Jane directly on two different occasions what the matter is and if I've done something wrong but both times she has said everything is fine and they are just busy or she has blamed DH's mental health as he's struggling with a bereavement. They still see other friends as normal - we are just on the verboten list now! I feel like Jane isn't allowed to be friends with us as Jack won't allow it. Other friends have noticed Jack blatantly ignoring me and have asked what's up as they know we used to be close. Someone said it's like I had an affair with Jack! I haven't and nothing like that has happened between my DH and Jane.

When I see their DC they come over and chat happily to me if their parents aren't around but if Jack is there then the children just walk past me looking sad and wide eyed.

How do I get closure or how do I move on without closure? I'd like to know what I did wrong so I can apologise or understand their point of view. Should I text her? What do I say? Or do I just ignore them back and move on?

Our poor DC still keep asking for playdates! How do I explain this to them?

If you see them everywhere you'll just have to pretend you can't. They're not there, they don't exist. If anyone outright asks, be truthful, "They no longer speak to us. I haven't been given a reason so I can't elaborate. Who knows?"...then pleasantly change the subject.
Carry on as you were. What else is there to do?

My initial thought was that maybe your DH had a fling with Jane. But that's just my paranoid side coming out.

Poor mental health can manifest itself in strange ways. My DH has a lovely sister, but for some reason she has stopped communicating with us. It's definitely nothing we have said or done. She's struggling with the menopause and a few other things and won't speak with anyone. We have tried many times. She says it's not us, it's her and that she will be fine in time. What can you do?

Do you think maybe he sees you as a bad influence OP? I'm not suggesting you are at all but maybe he's jealous of your friendship and sees you as a threat in some weird way?

@Goldilocksandthe2kids are the children going to be in the same class in September?

I would back off because he sounds controlling , you probably won't get your answers and its quite possibly making life more difficult for her. I expect it's your confidence he isn't keen on ,in case it influences his wife.

I would let it go. Some people are just like this – paranoid and insecure, always imagining that other people have done terrible things to them. I wasted years of my life being friends with people like this, constantly walking on eggshells and never knowing how/why I upset them. They are simply very troubled, and not worth the effort. Probably Jack thinks you've done something wrong, but I'm pretty sure you haven't. Don't waste any more time on him.

That's horrible. And I agree @Roussette .....who wants people like that in their life?

The simple answer is no one knows, you don't know, and you're unlikely to know for sure even with asking. So here's my suggestion/guesses...so
Jack is a little paranoid. He's also private. He doesn't dislike you per se, he dislikes that Jane got so close to you. Close enough that she's talking about previous lovers....in front of him! If she's talking about that (with no shame) what else is she sharing? Is she going through their marital problems/dirty laundry with you? What will you do with this info? Are you a threat? Might you 'encorage' Jane to leave him/misbehave?

You are vivacious and an extrovert. Chatty, friendly......and in his face! You started off OK but sometimes he finds the pressure to be sociable too much. He was happy to see you now and then but each time they do you're itching to make further plans and are on the phone with Jane....just too much.

He doesn't dislike you. You're fine and he thinks you're a decent person. That's the problem. After what your OH told him he can't face you. It's too awkward and he can't go back just to being coupley friends anymore.

You will probably never know. You discussed her previous sexual partners with her knowing he was in the vicinity. Do you normally do that with married people? It's disrespectful, crass, tasteless - it's too much. Perhaps you just got too close to them and in their faces and they can't deal with it.

I have a great suggestion for how to handle seeing them and about. When you see Jack (or Jane), say 'hello' very brightly, and then move off, not looking to see whether they respond. This puts you in control of the interaction and they look quite silly, plus it shows you have no interest in whether they respond to you. It also highlights Jack's rudeness in blanking you.

I've used this technique with old male professors who, despite having met you or gone to dinner with colleagues or having spent quite a time, then ignore you in the corridor. Sometimes they say hello back as they are nonplussed!

Beyond that, stop asking and stop agonising. People are weird. They are weird, they are not good friends as they are hot and cold. Very few couple friendships last forever or are even between all four participants. Just get on with your lives and make good friends elsewhere. Nothing is to be gained by hanging onto their judgement of you (which is odd anyway).

Oh sympathies OP, this is horrible.

Its definitely him not you. Try to get into the mindset of.. well I don't want to be friends with someone as nasty as that anyway.

Some good advice on the thread - cold, breezy and indifferent is the way to go. Give him zero acknowledgement whenever you see him and cultivate some new friendships.

A lucky escape really and pity his poor wife.

You know all the people youve never talked to, strangers you might vaguely recognise because you’ve seen them a few times in the village but that’s it?
You treat Jack that way. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I would keep the lines open with Jane and let her know that, if she needs to, she can still talk to you etc…
Because I agree, it’s Jack that is controlling and probably isolating her from ‘strong women’/friends.

You saw him get angry and he doesn't like that he lost control in front of you. You know what he can be really like and so he needs to isolate his wife from you. He let his mask slip.

Like a few posters, from your posts I came to the conclusion that Jack is controlling, and that he doesn't like his wife confiding in you and talking about an ex. He's banned her from being friendly with you.

That might explain why he still sometimes talks to your DH, why the wife makes arrangements, and why she sounds sheepish when she cancels. You saw him look angry when he overheard that conversation.... I'm pretty sure that's it.

It's nothing you or your DH have done.

Yup, one DC will still be in the same class. They still love hanging out together and play with each other every day.

I would have completely blanked the little prick after one incident of ignoring me.

Interesting POV. We were having a laugh about her sister who had gone on a date with a guy who turned out to have a micro penis. Our DH's weren't in the room at the time. Then we were telling war stories about awful penises we'd seen! He happened to walk in as she was talking about a large man she'd hooked up with once and he hit the roof. Have you never had a chuckle about a penis with a really good girlfriend?

Thanks for this. I'm going to use this line x

So he thinks she's told you he's got a comparatively small willy. What a knob.

Maybe he's got a micro penis too and didn't find it funny? Maybe he thought you were laughing at him?

Thanks for all your responses, I've read every one of them. You are all right, I know I give it too much headspace and I'm not going to get closure so I do need to get over it. I think this would be a lot easier if they weren't in our daily lives though!
I'm going to say "hi" and ignore Jack back from now on. I have been beating myself up about what I did / didn't do but you've all helped me realise that it's his insecurity and not my fault.

And did you hear the answer to your question as you typed this out? I think we've discovered why he blanks you.

As an aside, no, I haven't. I'm also in the camp of it being crass. I wouldn't be impressed by men talking about wizards sleeves either.

But that's not why he's cut you off. It's the bad influence thing.

Have you never had a chuckle about a penis with a really good girlfriend?

Er, no, op, I haven’t, as it happens!

Me neither.
And if I walked in on my DP laughing about someone's vagina with a friend I'd be pretty annoyed too.

Uh, no I haven’t.

😳

I’m beginning to understand the problem.