How to get over DH and me being ghosted

[Goldilocksandthe2kids]

A few years ago our family became very close friends with another family. DD and DS are in the same classes at school and best buddies!

Let's call the dad Jack and the mum Jane. Jane and I became good friends and would regularly chat, text, go out together. We used to see each other loads at parties, BBQs, sleepovers. We also often helped each other with looking after kids on some days, giving lifts ect. All mutual and no one took the piss. Jack and my DH became good buddies too.

About a year ago the invitations dried up from their side and an awkward vibe started. I invited over on a few occasions in a row and each time Jane made plans with us and then cancelled on the day with pathetic excuses. She always looked / sounded very sheepish when cancelling - almost like she was being made to cancel plans.

Foolishly, I still thought things were fine but Jack started to ignore me. He now blanks me completely, even when I walk right past him at school in a small space like the classroom! If I say hello to him he ignores me point blank. I've started to get really anxious about bumping into him at a school event and I hate how this makes me feel.

I've asked Jane directly on two different occasions what the matter is and if I've done something wrong but both times she has said everything is fine and they are just busy or she has blamed DH's mental health as he's struggling with a bereavement. They still see other friends as normal - we are just on the verboten list now! I feel like Jane isn't allowed to be friends with us as Jack won't allow it. Other friends have noticed Jack blatantly ignoring me and have asked what's up as they know we used to be close. Someone said it's like I had an affair with Jack! I haven't and nothing like that has happened between my DH and Jane.

When I see their DC they come over and chat happily to me if their parents aren't around but if Jack is there then the children just walk past me looking sad and wide eyed.

How do I get closure or how do I move on without closure? I'd like to know what I did wrong so I can apologise or understand their point of view. Should I text her? What do I say? Or do I just ignore them back and move on?

Our poor DC still keep asking for playdates! How do I explain this to them?

Well said @billy1966 👌

Thanks, it was a long time ago but I haven't forgotten, however ... walking away was the best thing I did. You can dig and delve and try and find out why, but when people do this sort of thing, there is never ever a rational reason, and it just messes with your head.

And I think the OP needs to take control and do that too... blank them!

Yes I imagine it does @Roussette . There's some strange people about. After years though, that's so bad

I think the OP was referring to her friends children, I don't think it read like she has children with them unless I've misunderstood

I think you should stand up to him. Stuff feeling like you have to apologise/be sheepish. It sounds like you've done nothing to deserve this so I would pull Jack aside for a quick 'chat' next time it's appropriate to do so. Not to ask what you've done wrong, but to tell him you've accepted the friendship is over and you don't appreciate the dirty looks etc so he'd best give it a rest. And from now on just don't entertain him...act like he's not in the room.

They’ve blown you off and no amount of asking/begging to fix things is going to make things right. And their behaviour is shitty, but you can’t make them change it. Something may have happened or need said, or something may not, and they’re one of those couples who lovebomb new friends and then lose interest when a new shiny couple comes along. In your shoes I’d revert back to school mum, friendly and breezy but with no expectation of cosy suppers and joint holidays. The close friendship has run its course - even it everyone agreed it was all fine again it wouldn’t be, because you’d know how they could treat you.

I'd do this, in front of an audience too. Even better if it's people that picked up on it too.

It seems to be like Jack probably thinks you're a bad influence on his wife. My ex was awful to some of my friends because we chatted about people other than him and he had an awful jealous streak.

@Goldilocksandthe2kids I think attempting a showdown with Jack is a bad idea. It sounds like he feels threatened by you and is blocking your friendship with his wife. He’s not going to give you a satisfactory answer to any of this; nor is he going to relent. More to the point, it will almost certainly make him angrier and nastier to his wife and make any friendship between you and her impossible for all time. You having a go at him could make her life a lot harder. As others have said - just style it out. Be breezy and indifferent around him.

I've read all your replies and this is the one that stands out.

I wouldn't confront him, he doesn't sound stable.

I suspect Jane knows you're there for her. I think you've probably made that clear by asking her about things.

Don't let him bully you. It's a horrible situation but you must move on for the sake of your sanity.

I imagine Jack makes Jane feel everyday how he makes you feel when you meet him at the school.

Whatever makes you believe YOU have done something wrong?

What jumped out to me was this is a man blanking you at school
or wherever, isn’t this unusual for a man to be socially politic ?

Speaking of former sexual relationships in husband’s hearing was
tactless and inappropriate but not your fault?

Summer break now, healing time

People go on the turn with no reason, there is nothing you can do
to prevent or guard against it, unless you heed the advice here not
to be so involved with people.

There is more often than not a ‘life’ on a relationship, this one now
having expired : your chips are now worthless.
Be sad and mourn for a while but please stop chasing, they don’t
want to know.
Children are resilient, they will be fine, perhaps present you with
the truth of the matter in due course - which you should not follow
up of course, sigh and carry on.

Stop chasing, remember the old adage :
‘you cannot control which way the wind blows, but you can trim your sails accordingly’

Yeah I agree with this tbh. I think asking again would be uncomfortable and possibly make it worse (more awkward for you).

I’d move on from them mentally and just start passively ignoring him too.

I get why you feel uncomfortable though, I am the same way in situations like that. I hate it. But I think time will water it all down.

Wise words here, among others.

I would imagine OP has no idea just what a nasty prick he is behind doors.
She will likely only make thinks more difficult for Jane by doing anything but ignoring him completely.

I would absolutely say to her that she is clearly in a very difficult situation with him, and to give you a shout anytime.
She may not reply, but she knows you see the little prick clearly and it will stay with her for when she may need it.

These men are everywhere.....hiding in plain sight.

@daisychaindays I meant the OP should tell her children that their friends father is weird.

Their are clearly no shared children, they were merely friends.

I’d say that Jack has taken against you @Goldilocksandthe2kids because you’re outgoing and confident, and when having fun nights out with you his wife talked about things he ‘didn’t like’ (past partners).

He is perhaps a moody, controlling partner to Jane, and sees you as a bad influence or someone likely to lead his wife into being more independent/vocal/likely to realise how he’s treating her…?

Do you think he thinks you are a bad influence on his wife and would lead her to stray?

I would confront it next time he blanks you. Be calm but firm - it’s not like he’s being subtle or trying to avoid others knowing that he has an issue with you so I would ask him straight out (but don’t cause a scene!)

Could even be that you're a more confident person than his wife and he doesn't like it, because he's threatened by a confident woman and doesn't want your confidence rubbing off on his wife...

I reckon it's this. I bet he's a controlling insecure arse. He's heard conversations and realised his grip on the family could be slipping so has arranged a fallout.

I would go with a "if you ever need me, I'm here" type text - she may be in a difficult position.

Absolutely do not text or speak to him about this. A grown man who approaches life’s problems with the mindset of a 14 year old in the playground is hardly going to engage in an adult conversation with you - and the more you ask and wheedle and act like you’re concerned about his good opinion of you, the more power you give him and the more you reinforce his idea that you’re somehow at fault.

Totally agree with this. Don't give the fucker the satisfaction that you're upset. Ignore him completely.

@Goldilocksandthe2kids I'm sorry this is happening to you and your feelings are completely valid and its understandable that you feel upset.

This has also happened to me a couple of times with parents at school. It could be anything really, I suspect you may not ever find out why they have backed away. Jack sounds like a complete dick though and Jane well who knows what's going on with her.

There is no point trying to guess what you may have done. You could have said something that they have taken offence to, they are jealous, someone has caught feelings, Jack's mental health, Jane could be in a abusive relationship, they don't like the way you parent, they don't like your kids, who bloody knows what it is. There is no point trying to guess what has happened.

I think the best way going forward is now not to engage with them anymore. Don't beg for an answer from Jane. Back off and grey rock. Don't "kill them with kindness" which is the popular Mumsnet method of dealing with things. Mirror their behaviour. It's not about you, it's about them and you have to ask yourself are these true friends and would true friends treat you like this?

I find that it's best not to form close friendships with school parents. When you are heavily involved with peoples lives at school, it almost always ends up in tears or falling outs. Keep it superficial and take this as a learning experience. The kids can still be friends at school and in 12 months time this will be a distant memory.

You need to be strong and assert yourself. Concentrate on your family and friends that matter x

One of the last times we saw them Jane and I were chatting about previous relationships and Jack overheard and got angry about her talking about once having sex with someone other than him.

There is your answer OP. Jealous husband blaming you that his wife wasn't a virgin.

Yep yep yep

They're obviously the sort to hold a grudge but then not have the balls to tell you what it is. Something must have happened, but chances are that you'll never know why.

I'd hold your head up high and move on.

Whatever the reason for the freezing out, this might well be one of those occasions when you have to accept that life isn't fair and you don't always get a conclusion.

I'm sorry this has happened. I would feel awkward passing Jack too. However, you have racked your brains for any offence that might have been inadvertently caused and come up with nothing so it's time to harden your heart.

Your dh seems quite nonchalant about this falling out. Could he know more than he's letting on?

I think there's probably something going on in their relationship which has made them withdraw from you. In short, it's not you, it's them.

'We see them everywhere! Village fair, mutual friends get togethers, school events, children's parties. We are still in whats app groups together!'
and i bet other people in those circles have sussed him out too .