Parents want me to stay married

[Whereissummer23]

My husband and I are splitting it. It’s awful and stressful , we have two young kids but our marriage is over after years of unhappiness on my part (no physical violence but lots of verbal abuse and generally crap treatment from my husband)

my parents are not supportive. They acknowledge the marriage is unhappy but are very old fashioned and it’s all about what people in their social circle will think. that was their first reaction when I told them - who else knows about this??

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family. I also have very few friends so feel very isolated.

They also worry for my kids, which is natural but I think my kids are sadly being messed up just in a different way if we stay married

. I will end up insane if I don’t get away from my husband. This doesn’t seem to register with my parents, my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said “but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhappy means you can do this? You are so selfish. I don’t want to hear anymore about this, go home and try harder “

I knew they’d be like this but it feels so unfair when my husband has tons of support even though it’s his behaviour that has led us to this.

even his family acknowledge he has behaved badly but their view is that I should forgive him because he has ‘changed’ (that won’t last!) and ’he loves me’ (I don’t care, I despise him)

I know rationally that it shouldn’t make a difference what my parents think, it is my life etc etc but it is just so hard, I am so emotionally conditioned by it all. and my husband is so difficult that I really need some support.

has anyone else had this experience? Did you have strategies for coping and pushing on without support?

Get out and let family know, then hope once people know about it, and really don’t care, your parents will come round to it.

No advice I’m afraid but your dad is being very childish and selfish. I actually agree that life isn’t happy haha but bloody hell, we should at least strive towards it and get out of situations that make us actively miserable.

You’ve got a ton of work ahead organising your new life - put your emotional energy there and very best of luck for the future!

They just also listed all the practical issues to divorce as if they were complete dealbreakers - I KNOW splitting means I’ll lose my lovely house, have less money. But other people make it work after divorce, but my parents tried to convince me it is just impossible to even think about it, and I was upsetting them by talking about it.

Actually, a lot of it was about how me saying I was unhappy was making them unhappy.

It’s being scared to deal worth the practical issues that has let me put up with my husband screaming at me to “shut the fuck up” in front of people at a kids birthday party last year. it was so humiliating, I could see everyone around us staring at their feet and feeling awkward.

This is just one out of literally hundreds of examples over the years. It’s all low level stuff, but I honestly hate him.

Your parents are exemplifying why you were able to end up with a man who treats you like that. They trained you to do it. Well done for breaking free of that training - it is really impressive.

Now take the next difficult step and tell your extended family. I would think that at least some of them will support you. If not, find a group for single/divorcing parents, get support on here, anything to keep the strength you really are already showing. 💪💪

They aren't thinking of you at all, only themselves.

How disappointing.

You are going to have to park this and move ahead.

I told my parents months after my divorce. I knew they wouldn't support me. I just left them out.

You don't need their permission or their approval.

My heart goes out to you OP, dealing with the awful marriage you've had plus now having to deal with divorce is fucking horrendous enough without having to deal with this appalling attitude from your parents. I think if they can't be broadly supportive/helpful then you need to simply step well away from them while you do what you absolutely NEED to do. I separated from my perfectly OK (I just didn't love him) ex husband and my parents weren't thrilled about it but they were very supportive in practical terms, not least because they wanted it all as smooth as possible for their granchildren. I am so angry on your behalf and sometimes find it hard to belief that with everything we now know about mental health, about how complicated life is, about how children pick up on stresses in the home, that there are still people who worry about something as unimportant as 'what the neighbours think'. I would have had a couple of very old fashioned aunts who I can imagine my mother didn't relish sharing my news with but I never heard about that because guess what, my (left school at 12 unrducated) mother knew that it was not about her.

Be strong OP, if you have good friends or family members, rely on them and don't be afraid to ask for help. And other people will come to the fore and be there for you. A woman I volunteered with who I didn't know that well sort of took me under her wing and was a great support and friend to me. The only thing you know for sure is that if you stay, life will be the same or much worse. If you separate there is a very good chance life will be better. Or even if worse in some ways (finance etc) much better and easier in others. You will not be living a lie or in fear or in an every day misery. Fuck your parents, seriously. They should be ashamed of themselves

being told that a friend or family member is getting a divorce can be a shock. It raises all sorts of concerns and anxieties. But that explains why they acted this way but doesn’t excuse it. Feelings are not a reason to act badly. Which they have done.

My advice would be to contact them indirectly and tell them that you have listened to what they have to say and whilst you respect their pov you don’t agree with it. Ask that they respect your decision. Tell them that it would be your preference to have their support. Repeat that you have heard how they feel but you have made your decision.

Then create some space and allow them to digest what is happening. Hopefully they will come round but if they don’t then you have to continue with your decision. That might mean a long period of keeping them at arms length about what your are doing. That means you don’t discuss things with them and if they bring it up you end the conversation or nod along nicely and do what you want. Rather than trying to convince them respond by telling them you have listened and heard what they have to say. Then leave it and crack on with your decision.

They are wrong to think that a decision to divorce isn’t taken lightly. But a functional family structure beats form every day of the week. This has been proven to be true by studies.

You don’t owe your parents or in laws anything in this regard. You do owe your children a happy home. You also owe them an amicable divorce and co parenting. That is it.

Shouting " Just shut the fuck up " at a childrens party would of been enough for me .

I’m from a culture where divorce is frowned upon (this is now thankfully becoming less common).

i lived thro DV & my mother saw me bruised and ex told her he’d kill me if he liked. And my darling sweet mother told me she’d support me if I chose to stay with a man who’d clearly told her he would kill me.

rally around support amongst friends and tell whoever you damn well please you’re getting divorced.

once you’re out of the marriage you’ll feel so much relief not having the dark cloud over your life.

good luck, divorce isn’t easy and it’s worse when the people who are meant to love and support you make your life harder.

Can you get support elsewhere OP? Friends, wider family, counsellor?

Indeed your parents should be ashamed of themselves for their emotional blackmail of you like this. They are not the people you need at this time, they are only thinking of themselves and their image. There are other more supportive people out there who do have your interests at heart.

They are not married to him , you are and you are an adult with agency. You do not need their approval, not that they would give it to you anyway.

My advice, stop caring what other people think. I know that’s easier said than done, but honestly, set yourself free from it. Who cares what they think, they don’t have to live your life. When they start talking about it, tell them you’re not interested in hearing it, you know what’s best for you and you don’t need their opinion, if they continue, you leave. You know you’re doing the right thing, so it’s not up for discussion. You certainly shouldn’t live your life based on what their friends might think for god sake, what vain, weak minded people.

Well done for taking the brave step of leaving OP, I personally think that takes a lot of courage.

This!

OMG OP sounds awful for you. Im
sorry but you will have this xx

@Whereissummer23 massive squishes. Would your wider family be supportive? I’d tell everyone and to hell with your parents.

maybe their unhealthy relationship and expectations modelled throughout childhood are what led you here.

Life doesn’t need to be miserable and hard work. Absolute bollocks.

Find your people that lift you up and support you.

emotionally distance yourself from your parents. They aren’t there for you so they don’t get to know the details of what’s going on in your life as a consequence. I’d be very angry at them and going low contact. You don’t need the added emotional trauma they are throwing at you.

good luck. x

Sorry that was about @Spinet message

Exactly this.

Also, OP, they’re not obliged to validate your decision. It’s disappointing, obviously, but you don’t need their permission or approval. This decision, as it should be, is yours alone. Good for you. Seek support elsewhere. Best wishes.

'I am so emotionally conditioned by it all'

That's exactly right. You know rationally that you are an adult and this is your life and your decision, but having parents like these means you have to fight very hard to actually live as an independent person. Another poster was spot on when they said that your parents have conditioned you to accept this treatment from your husband. I was in an abusive relationship years ago and looking back I can see how my parents primed me for it through their own emotional abuse

HUGE well done for realising that you are so much better than this, and that you deserve to live in peace and safety. I know that it wasn't easy for you to get to that place. I would stop talking to your family, or his family, about any of this. They're not listening to you. You will just get pulled in to justifying yourself, and you don't have to do that. Share the news with whoever you want to - it's your decision. You do not have to do what your parents expect of you

Your parents sound like very sad, scared people who are full of shame. That's not an excuse for their behaviour, but it sounds like your choice to expect better from life is pushing huge buttons for them. They have their own conditioning to overcome. Or not. You need to stand firm on taking care of yourself

Tell all your family and friends and leave the marriage.

Your parents feelings are not important here. They should love and support you.

Dear @Whereissummer23 I am in a very similar position so my heart goes out to you. My mother in particular has been unable to cope with the idea of me and DH splitting up - but unlike you it makes me waver which is the worst thing. DH has completely withdrawn (but not left) but she says if I just keep trying things will get better one day… and then I think maybe she’s right? And question myself.

Ive spoken to friends who have faced the same thing and it’s often about the parents own relationships and choices - their issues that they can’t face and so project onto their kids.

Well done for staying strong, you can do this. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

When I said I was leaving my physically abusive husband, my mother's very first words were "what on earth will I tell people?" It's one of the many reasons why I am a failure to her; and one of the many reasons that we no longer speak.

But why waste your life trying to make something work that doesn’t make you happy? Does your mum think life should be a miserable hard slog, or that as a woman, your job is to sacrifice and put others first all the time?

Maybe get some therapy to help you become more confident in your position and care less about what she says, she clearly doesn’t have you best interests at heart in this situation at least.

My parents were the same - far more concerned about what their religious thought than how I was feeling (and I felt awful as I'm sure you do too!) Please, for your own sake, just go ahead anyway. There is no point asking them to change their minds, just go ahead. Divorce, move out, rebuild your own life with your DCs. If your parents get weird about it go low contact - mine didn't speak to me for 2 and a bit years!! Good luck in making the break.

Thank you all so much for your lovely supportive messages.

I am nodding along with everything you are all saying, it is what I tell myself all the time, but it helps so much to see other people saying it, even if it’s strangers on mumsnet, if that makes sense!

@Lottapianos this is exactly right - Your parents sound like very sad, scared people who are full of shame. That's not an excuse for their behaviour, but it sounds like your choice to expect better from life is pushing huge buttons for them. They have their own conditioning to overcome.

They are sad scared, bitter people - they are like this about all manner of things, which over time I’ve learnt to largely ignore but my divorce is so important and personal that I’m finding it really hard to put their (predictable) reaction in it’s place.

it’s just the twisted feeling in my stomach and the rapid heartbeat I get (like a scared child) when I say something that I know will meet with their disapproval- i never get anger from them, more they seem so wounded and appalled. My mum sobbing and my dad saying “you’ve upset your mother , how could you, you know she’s fragile” type of thing

@TheCatterall definitely agree with this from you - maybe their unhealthy relationship and expectations modelled throughout childhood are what led you here.

I look back and see this is so so true. They are actively suspicious of people being too happy , it’s a sign of self indulgent as they see it - they love misery!

So not a big leap to see how I ended up in my miserable marriage for so long

sorry for the long posts, it feels so good to get this off my chest

If you're old enough to be married you're old enough not to have to listen when your parents forbid you to talk to other adults about your life, ffs! It's not their life.

They do have a point that life can be hard work and we shouldn't flit from one amusement to another once we have responsibilities, such as our own children to provide for. However, that doesn't mean we have to stay in a bad situation. I've always hated the saying "you've made your bed so you must lie in it"; if my bed is uncomfortable I get up and re-make it, with a further option of sleeping on the sofa! Or if you made the bed and someone else (your husband) messes it up, do you still have to lie in it? NO YOU DON'T.

I'm sure you will remake your bed, i.e. your life, in a sensible and responsible way with due regard to your children's needs. It's not good for them to be brought up in the presence of abuse. You know this. What a tragedy their grandparents don't, or don't care enough because it matters more to them that things appear to be smooth, despite knowing their child is genuinely and justifiably unhappy. What is wrong with these people?

"I’ve been absolutely forbidden..."

They don't get to forbid you from anything. You're a grown woman. Tell who ever you want. People can't be supportive if they don't know.