Parents want me to stay married

[Whereissummer23]

My husband and I are splitting it. It’s awful and stressful , we have two young kids but our marriage is over after years of unhappiness on my part (no physical violence but lots of verbal abuse and generally crap treatment from my husband)

my parents are not supportive. They acknowledge the marriage is unhappy but are very old fashioned and it’s all about what people in their social circle will think. that was their first reaction when I told them - who else knows about this??

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family. I also have very few friends so feel very isolated.

They also worry for my kids, which is natural but I think my kids are sadly being messed up just in a different way if we stay married

. I will end up insane if I don’t get away from my husband. This doesn’t seem to register with my parents, my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said “but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhappy means you can do this? You are so selfish. I don’t want to hear anymore about this, go home and try harder “

I knew they’d be like this but it feels so unfair when my husband has tons of support even though it’s his behaviour that has led us to this.

even his family acknowledge he has behaved badly but their view is that I should forgive him because he has ‘changed’ (that won’t last!) and ’he loves me’ (I don’t care, I despise him)

I know rationally that it shouldn’t make a difference what my parents think, it is my life etc etc but it is just so hard, I am so emotionally conditioned by it all. and my husband is so difficult that I really need some support.

has anyone else had this experience? Did you have strategies for coping and pushing on without support?

I think maybe you have married your dad metaphorically speaking?

Keep posting and keep getting it off your chest. They sound like small people living in a small world where keeping things the same, squishing oneself up to fit a box is the default position. You have managed - and you are fucking awesome to have done so - to have realised that that is not good enough, that you and your children are worth more than this. That life is scary and sometimes very hard but also wonderful and needs to be grabbed with both hands. That there are people out there who are living full and big lives and who strive everyday to be happy and to make others so. Who will be your friends and allies. Who are not 'fragile'. It is unspeakably hard that the very people who should love and support you can't seem to do so - though they may also change in time - but you have to break this cycle and do what you know is right with confidence and faith in yourself. You sound just great, you ARE the bigger person.

OP, you have every right to end your marriage - it doesn't matter what your parents think about your decision. Based on what you wrote here, you are 100% making the right decision for you. They don't have to live your life - you do. How dare they tell you what to do?

Reading your parents' behaviour reminds me of my narcissistic mother.

When I said I was leaving my physically abusive husband, my mother's very first words were "what on earth will I tell people?" It's one of the many reasons why I am a failure to her; and one of the many reasons that we no longer speak

When I told my mother ex had had an affair and moved on with the OW DM's response was a tragic 'where did I go wrong?' (not raising a daughter who could Make Her Man Happy, obvs). It rocked me a bit not because there was apparently no sympathy for me ( I was used to that) but she'd never struck me as a stand by your man whatever type. What I was suffering appeared not to interest her (also something I was used to).

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family

And what are they going to do, send you to bed with no dinner? You manage this the way this is best for you. If you think family will be supportive, then of course you can tell them. If they cut contact with you then that sounds like a win given their attitude.

Your parents are awful people.

Divorce your cunt of a husband.

Tell everyone.

Tell everyone the awful responses by your parents.

Cut your parents off.

Be happy.

They seem to be viewing the potential failure of your marriage as some sort of personal slight against them. "What will the neighbours think?!" they cry. Gone are the days when divorce was something of a scandal and to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, your parents appear to be living in the past.

If my dd told me she was unhappy in her relationship, I would support her 100% and move heaven and earth to help. I'm really sorry that your parents don't think the same way.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

The older generation do care more what people think and I expected some negative comments when ex and I split up. I got zero. People have their own busy lives and everyone knows someone who is divorced. The divorce rate is over 40%. It’s not a big deal. You will find some people are really nosey and intrusive asking for the gory details to perk up their own dull lives. But generally people don’t care. Getting control of your own life and how you are treated is going to feel wonderful. If people are unpleasant just avoid them as you would if they were unpleasant about anything else. And my kids turned out great.

my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said "but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhapy means you can do this?"

This says far more about the state of your parents' marriage than it says about yours.

Sending a hug 💐
You have one life, live your best life!Get therapy, books, podcasts about how to break free, he sounds utterly vile. You've done the best you could, stayed as long as you could, you have given it 110% you deserve a medal but life is too short. He will not change and staying isn't good for you or for your children. MN has your back even if your parents don't x

Your instincts are correct, it's over, you are miserable. It's a damaging environment for your children to be in. Tough shit for your M&D, they sound incredibly small minded and selfish people, perhaps they'd like to move in with your husband and be subjected to the shit they think is acceptable. Get a lawyer, draft notification to husband and tell all family.

How awful OP, they should be supporting you and encouraging you to get away from this awful man.

I have adult DDs and I just can’t imagine behaving like this. Fuck what the neighbours think or the rest of the family.

When I got divorced I was more worried about what people thought (because I was youngish and NO ONE I knew has goten divorced) than my parents. My dad said ‘Divorce is sad. I’m sad for you, that you have to live through this, and that’s all. Anyone who thinks anything else other than that is an asshole.’ I’ve never forgotten that, it’s absolutely true.

This is really hard

id say you need to minimise them for the foreseeable

you are vulnerable as is and you don’t need this shite too
its not helping and will make you feel
worse

it’s never too late to build new circles and friends

new hobbies
new career goals
new habits
seek out the other single parents

you have a life ahead of you xxxx

Your parents are the selfish ones.
Are they from a religious cult? Those views are exceptionally draconian.
This is your life, not theirs. Put yourself first.

@Whereissummer23

My mum sobbing and my dad saying “you’ve upset your mother , how could you, you know she’s fragile” type of thing.

This is emotional blackmail, and I guess you've had to put up with this or very similar from your parents your whole life. If not, you might not feel so destabilised at their lack of support for you.

Like others have said, tell anyone you want to the position you are in,
Especially tell those you feel would support you - it's really none of your parents' business - this is your life. I wouldn't bother discussing it further with your parents as it will be more of the same.

It might help you to plan if you do some discreet research, either with trusted friends or online, about what your future finances might be: you'll need that information for your divorce solicitor anyway. Eg: market price if your home if not rented, current equity/mortgage amount remaining, savings, pension for both of you, cash in bank/investments. Also check www.entitledto.com to see what UC/other benefits you might be eligible for and user someone has sent you a link to Citizens Advice. Take copies/photos of any helpful documents. Knowledge is power and may take away a little of the anxiety you feel.

Keep your cards close to your chest until you've got all the info you need, spoken to your solicitor and ready to serve with with legal notice of divorce. Ensure you store important documents (birth certificates for you and children, your marriage certificate, passports - yours especially) out of the house with someone you can absolutely 100% trust or your solicitor may be able to help with that.

I wish you strength and peace in a happier future. 🌹

to the other posters who have mentioned they had similar unsupportive responses from parents when your marriages ended, I really feel for you and hope you are all much happier now.

It’s hard to have parents who go are an emotional drain, the complete opposite of a support.

And yes to whoever said their marriage must be unhappy, it certainly seems that way to me, but of course , keeping up appearances is all that matters. My mum quotes “my husband this , my husband that” in public all the time, but I have never once heard them say they love each other or even hug. They never say they love us either, though I know they do in their own weird way (they show it by doing things like taking our dog when we’re on holiday / bringing round home cooked meals for our freezer- despite the picture I’ve painted of them they are good people in some ways)

A work colleague was talking recently about how good it felt to go home and spill her heart out to her parents. It is a completely alien concept to me.

One good thing to come out of it I suppose is that I strive really hard to be a good supportive listener to my kids, and tell them how much I love them.

i will divorce my husband no matter how long it takes. I’ve spoken to a lawyer (I feel so guilty even typing that, I’m such a wuss, I was terrified even phoning the lawyer )

I have tried SO HARD to make it work, but the contempt I feel for my husband means it has to end, for his sake too. He keeps crying and saying he’s changed. He hasn’t, and even if he has, I don’t care. Let his lucky second wife get to enjoy his new shiny personality in the future. I’m done!

'One good thing to come out of it I suppose is that I strive really hard to be a good supportive listener to my kids, and tell them how much I love them'

That's HUGE. Your parents' dysfunction ends with you. Please don't underestimate how hard it is to break that cycle, and to change the behaviour that has been modelled to you all your life

You sound absolutely done with your husband. You know that all his tears and all his promises are hollow. Your life is about to get a lot more peaceful. Enjoy the freedom.

Have you ever seen a therapist? I can't recommend it enough for helping you to understand the impact your parents have had on you, and for helping to put yourself at the centre of your own life

Your parents are why you ended up married to a man like this.

get out, tell who the fuck you want to tell.

you're in your 40's - they don't get to tell you what to do or who you discuss your life with.

divirce the bastard, go exceedingly low contact with your parents.start living YOUR life... ENJOY !!!

'I'm sorry you don't like that I am getting a divorce but there are many things that you do that I do not like either. I do not want to waste my life unhappy, like you two have chosen to do'.

It’s probably their uncaring , unsupportive attitude to you over the years that led you to ending up with this cruel twat.

Oh & your kids will be shaped by their childhood, we all are.

They will form better relationships & need less therapy if you get them & yourself away from him.

You sound like a strong woman to me op. Youve started with the hardest part. Keep some notes on behaviour/whats been said so when your feeling weak, you can read them back through to keep you going.

re parents, id keep a distance now. Theyve shown how unsupportive they are. Surely any parent wants their kids to be happy whatever their age.

do you have some friends you can confide in, in real life?

keep going, its hard but imagine how great the future will be in 6 months/1 year time

My parents turned out to be really very supportive but one of the arguments I had in my head was that long after they had gone, I would still have to live in that marriage. And I had every right to choose not to do so just as they had chosen to live with their own terrible marriage