Parents want me to stay married

[Whereissummer23]

My husband and I are splitting it. It’s awful and stressful , we have two young kids but our marriage is over after years of unhappiness on my part (no physical violence but lots of verbal abuse and generally crap treatment from my husband)

my parents are not supportive. They acknowledge the marriage is unhappy but are very old fashioned and it’s all about what people in their social circle will think. that was their first reaction when I told them - who else knows about this??

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family. I also have very few friends so feel very isolated.

They also worry for my kids, which is natural but I think my kids are sadly being messed up just in a different way if we stay married

. I will end up insane if I don’t get away from my husband. This doesn’t seem to register with my parents, my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said “but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhappy means you can do this? You are so selfish. I don’t want to hear anymore about this, go home and try harder “

I knew they’d be like this but it feels so unfair when my husband has tons of support even though it’s his behaviour that has led us to this.

even his family acknowledge he has behaved badly but their view is that I should forgive him because he has ‘changed’ (that won’t last!) and ’he loves me’ (I don’t care, I despise him)

I know rationally that it shouldn’t make a difference what my parents think, it is my life etc etc but it is just so hard, I am so emotionally conditioned by it all. and my husband is so difficult that I really need some support.

has anyone else had this experience? Did you have strategies for coping and pushing on without support?

Stop involving them in your divorce, they can choose to bury their heads in the sand but you don't have to. Tell family and friends, you need the support.

@Whereissummer23 You can tell who you want about your divorce. Parents telling me to keep it a secret would make me more determined to tell absolutely everyone! It doesn’t matter what your parents think. You don’t need their approval or permission to end your unhappy marriage.

Ha- in my first marriage I remember my grandmother saying 'but he doesn't hit you or keep you short of cash'. That's how low the bar is for some women OP. Ignore them , they don't have to live with him or have sex with him etc

If I'd listened to everything my parents said I'd probably be dead by now.
It's your life, your future, your choice.
If you need to get divorced then get divorced and tell everyone you need to.

a perceptive post

It is 2023, your parents need to get with the programme!

The queen was more supportive when Charles and Dianna divorced.

I know , I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter what they think or say.

I suppose I hoped they’d say “we want you to be happy and you are clearly not”. I didn’t expect them to change their personalities and share wise warm words.

It’s the centring of them and the insistence that I keep up the facade that I just don’t have capacity to deal with. They want to be ostriches, they want me to be an ostrich, by telling them I’ve forced them not to be ostriches, and now they are upset, which I am being made to feel guilty about.

this is In addition to the guilt being piled on by my newly matyred husband, whose position is that, yes he accepts he’s been a complete arsehole for years but I’m totally unreasonable for not forgiving him, and I’m making him feel very sad and sorry for himself. Quite how he’s ending up the victim is inexplicable to me, which is why I need some people on my side IRL.

If my mum could have put her fingers over her ears and shouted “lalala” as I was speaking she would have. She just constantly said “you are upsetting me” and “you better not have mentioned this to anyone“ while my dad tutted at me.

The thing about other family members is that while I am sure they will be sympathetic (my husband is not popular!) they too suffer from conditioning from my parents, so everyone will feel constrained in what support can offer me - EVERYONE walks on eggshells round my parents so as not to upset them.

life is unhappy

God, how bleak! If you want the same kind of life as your parents you could follow their example.

Good luck, OP. Imagine how free you will feel when you are out of this environment. Imagine how you would respond if one of your children came to you with the same situation you've taken to your parents. Apply that same compassion to yourself.

Pop it Facebook as a public post and tell the world! How would she like that?! Half joking obvs but her reaction is Bonkers!

I'd also be tempted to tell everyone now that you're separating. Don't let your parents hold that threat over you.

@Crikeyalmighty yes, that’s is exactly what my parents think.

No violence, no cheating, a good provider. That’s enough, stop making a fuss and shaming us.

They are older so perhaps it was more shocking when they were your age I dont know.However Divorce has been fairly common for the last 30 or 40 years at least!They are being very unreasonable here . I would maybe see friends for help and support instead .They seem trapped in an odd world where everyone stays married and "sticks it out" Do you have Siblings at all? What do they feel. Maybe leave DP to it for a bit.They are not supportive .You are an Adult now and pop Big Girl Pants on and leave them to it for a bit!

I got a similar reaction from my father when I left my XH. This despite my parents expressing concerns about him during my marriage.

i know my mother got pushback from her own mother when she tried to leave my abusive alcoholic father.

my mother did leave for a bit once, but ultimately spent a lifetime with her abuser.

I told my father it was none of his business and got on with my life. Well, actually what said was,” I can detail every reason I need to leave, but I don’t want you to end up hating my Stbx.” I then explained that I was making the necessary decision and that was the end of the discussion.

'It’s the centring of them and the insistence that I keep up the facade that I just don’t have capacity to deal with. They want to be ostriches, they want me to be an ostrich, by telling them I’ve forced them not to be ostriches, and now they are upset, which I am being made to feel guilty about.'

Yes, it seems to be all about them. Your feelings don't exist, or if they do, they don't matter. Very disturbing, and very hurtful
Loved the ostrich analogy, very perceptive. You have such a good understanding of how they tick, not that it makes it any less painful

They’re not anti divorce for religious reasons.it’s more they don’t like to present as anything less than perfect to the outside world, we must never be a source of gossip or be seen to fail, people should only have envy and admiration for us (yeah, I know, no one envies or admires us or gives a shit generally , but this is my parents mad perspective)

their reaction would the same if I’d told them I was suffering from mental illness,,or had a drug problem, or had lost my job - don’t tell anyone, never mention it again, my mum being ‘distressed’ by the disclosure being the focus of everything.

id forgotten about this til I started writing this post - years ago they lied to people about my A level results! I did well, but not as well as my parents would have liked, so they exaggerated.

Keep remembering you don't need their approval or permission to do this

You have made your mind up and it is your life, not theirs!

When is your solicitors appointment?
Do do want to wait until you have had advice before you go public with this?
If not - tell people asap

I know your parents will be awful about it but stay absolutely rigid on your decision and have some comebacks ready:

"You are upsetting me" - you are upsetting me with your lack of support

"Don't tell anyone" - I will tell who I need to; this is my life, not yours

"Please change your mind, it's not that bad" - it is that bad, you have no idea and my decision is final

'id forgotten about this til I started writing this post - years ago they lied to people about my A level results! I did well, but not as well as my parents would have liked, so they exaggerated.'

Oh my gosh, same here! Had also forgotten about it 🤦🏻‍♂️ what a message to give your child - you haven't done well enough, so we'll just construct our own reality to make ourselves feel better about your results, and about you. How very messed up

Erm then sorry stuff the parents tell friends and family who will support you and get out.

My advice, just plough ahead with what you want to do, ignoring their "feelings" its what's best for you after all. Give them time when they realise that with time no-one actually cares about the state of their daughters marriage, apart from it possibly being a five minute gossip subject within their circle, they will hopefully relent and be more supportive.
I kicked my first husband out in 1974, believe me attitudes were very different then! But my parents were surprisingly okay and supportive of me as they could see how unhappy he was making me. My DB left his wife for an OW a year earlier and they were appalled but given time they "forgave " him.
My own adult DS is in the throes of divorce currently (very complicated and tragic reasons) but I am supportive to both sides, however I did find it difficult to tell people, so I can understand their attitude somewhat. Saying that most people have been fairly sympathetic, and the attitude has been "Well these things happen, what a shame"
My advice just grit your teeth go ahead and give it time!
Good luck.

💐I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need but you are doing the right thing. You’ll be so much happier from the sounds of things.

Just hearing about the manipulative guilt tripping from your parents is enraging

@HazelBite Thanks Hazel, really interesting to hear a slightly different perspective. I can understand it is an uncomfortable thing to tell people, but I suspect the difference with my parents is that their fears of 'what others think' and their resulting feelings about that dominate everything. They don't make any attempt to hide that is their main concern.

I suspect you were much more supportive and sympathetic to you DS and his wife, even if in private you struggled a bit.

@jackstini Your responses are really helpful, I am memorising them ! My parents make me feel paralysed sometimes, so it is good to have some prepared phrases .

@Lottapianos Than you for your responses on the thread, you are very perceptive yourself I think- Intellectually, I know my parents' shortcomings but I cannot seem to handle them emotionally at all.

For all my husband's faults, being married to him did give me a bit of distance from them, as he couldn't care less how they feel, he was constantly upsetting them without a second thought. The problem with him is he also couldn't care less how I feel!

You are stronger on yr own than they are together. They are not going to like that you are holding up that mirror. It's common for conservative traditional parents to react this way.

If your parents think you should stay with him then this explains why you ended up with him in the first place.

Similar story here, I was not raised to place any value on my own perspective. I was expected to collapse wordlessly in to narratives that disparaged me and glorified my mother, and my dad just backed her up. And then I met the man who is now my x, and he didn't allow me to have a perspective either.

It's such a common story.

You heal this wound by listening to yourself. Stand firm in your own interpretation of events. Roll around in your own perspective of this. What is your experience of what just happened.

Honour it. Journal it. Never waiver in your interpretation of what went wrong.

Stand firm in your own interpretation of events. Roll around in your own perspective of this.

This is such a powerful comment. It is exactly what I need to hear.

My husband is very much into minimising - claiming certain events happened years ago so don't count, claiming he can't remember certain events, claiming he's changed, claiming his bad behaviour is offset by his good points, claiming it's my fault for not having explained how unhappy he was making me (apparently there was no way he could have known that screaming "shut the fuck up" at me in public would have an impact on me)

Or when I had a c-section and had to get a taxi home alone from hospital with the baby as he wouldn't pick me up as he was too tired and hungover to drive.

Or when he ripped up and binned some of my belongings as they were in the spare room, which he'd designated for his sole use for his hobby (they were in his line of sight and were annoying him apparently)

I could keep listing hundreds these....none of them are as bad as a punch in the face or a secret mistress, so time I justified/ignored/laughed off/minimised. And he does have some good points. But I deserve better, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

To the PP who posted the comment above, I am sorry you too are going/have gone through this, but I hope you are in a better place now.

@Whereissummer23 - all those things you listed are awful, and all good enough reasons to end the marriage

With what you wrote a couple of posts ago I have another ready response for your parents!

"what is more important to you - my happiness or other peoples opinions"

Or "what do you care about more - how I feel or what other people think"

Also - "I don't want my children growing up thinking the way I am treated and spoken to is normal and ok - it is absolutely not"

You've got this - you know you're right, never stop believing that