Parents want me to stay married

[Whereissummer23]

My husband and I are splitting it. It’s awful and stressful , we have two young kids but our marriage is over after years of unhappiness on my part (no physical violence but lots of verbal abuse and generally crap treatment from my husband)

my parents are not supportive. They acknowledge the marriage is unhappy but are very old fashioned and it’s all about what people in their social circle will think. that was their first reaction when I told them - who else knows about this??

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family. I also have very few friends so feel very isolated.

They also worry for my kids, which is natural but I think my kids are sadly being messed up just in a different way if we stay married

. I will end up insane if I don’t get away from my husband. This doesn’t seem to register with my parents, my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said “but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhappy means you can do this? You are so selfish. I don’t want to hear anymore about this, go home and try harder “

I knew they’d be like this but it feels so unfair when my husband has tons of support even though it’s his behaviour that has led us to this.

even his family acknowledge he has behaved badly but their view is that I should forgive him because he has ‘changed’ (that won’t last!) and ’he loves me’ (I don’t care, I despise him)

I know rationally that it shouldn’t make a difference what my parents think, it is my life etc etc but it is just so hard, I am so emotionally conditioned by it all. and my husband is so difficult that I really need some support.

has anyone else had this experience? Did you have strategies for coping and pushing on without support?

Just don’t discuss it with them again. Proceed with your divorce - it has absolutely nothing to do with them. I have a judgmental overbearing parent and the best way to deal with it is to keep any big decisions to myself. Act alone and inform after the fact on a need to know basis.

Agreed @Dustybarn although OP has said she feels all the signs of stress when subjected to her parents’ disapproval- quickening heart rate, sweaty palms. It takes work to go beyond one’s parents expectations when they have been so overbearing for your whole lifetime. OP when the separation is over I strongly recommend counselling. Sorry to say but the next life stress somewhere along the line will be them getting old and dependent and expecting you to take in the carer role. Unless you have some boundaries in place that could be extremely stressful- I’ve been there.

My grandma and dm said better a bad husband than no husband. Lucky I didn't listen to them.

I think the fact you can identify the heart pounding etc when you are telling them things they don't want to hear is a promising step in managing those feelings or managing how you respond to them anyway. They're not irrational because they're based on your experience of your parents, but they are not based on any concrete truth either. You need to practice doing what you need to do despite the horrible uncomfortable feelings (which are probably not worse than your husband...).

With your extended family you might need to be direct about needing support. If they know what your parents are like, can you refer to that directly in a way that doesn't make the others feel disloyal?

Stop telling your parents your business.

Your marriage has nothing to do with them.

Step away from them.

Get counselling.

Get the divorce moving asap.

Tell as many people as you can.

Stay the hell away from your parents.

Their fxxked up marriage and your childhood is probably why you ended up married to an abusive arsehole.

Get your children out of there.

The shame and confusion they must have felt at that party.

Just awful.

Do it for your children.

Screw your parents.

You have nothing to justify to them.

@Spinet With your extended family you might need to be direct about needing support. If they know what your parents are like, can you refer to that directly in a way that doesn't make the others feel disloyal?

This is a good point. I think they, like me, automatically default to putting my parents first without really meaning to. I can imagine the first reaction will be “OMG do your parents know, how are they taking it, this must be hard for them “

It’s hard to explain, it’s like my parents suck the oxygen out of every situation.

I need to find a more tactful way of saying - nevermind my parents, this is not about them, I’ve hidden how unhappy I am for so long partly because I knew how they would react. Please can we talk about me not them.

but I can’t phrase it like that!, it sounds so egotistical and like I’m asking people to pick me over them.

and then I need to think about coping strategies for when my parents find out I’ve opened up to people.

I get shivers down my spine imagining the tone in their voices when they say incredulously “you’ve told x what? I can’t believe you’ve done this. You’ve always been so selfish, no consideration for us. Happy to let our family provide gossip for the village “ etc. Then my dad will accuse me of jeopardising my mums health.

There are so many good pieces of advice on this thread urging me to step away from them. It’s just very hard, psychologically.

And it feels so unfair that my husband gets so many shoulders to cry on, fully unloading his ‘poor me’ act to a sympathetic audience, while I’m dealing with this shit which is making a stressful situation considerably worse.

. I feel guilty for the headspace I’m giving to this, which I should be using to think about my kids.

thank goodness for mumsnet!

I need to find a more tactful way of saying - nevermind my parents, this is not about them, I’ve hidden how unhappy I am for so long partly because I knew how they would react. Please can we talk about me not them.

but I can’t phrase it like that!, it sounds so egotistical and like I’m asking people to pick me over them.

Honestly, I've read this over about six times and can't for the life of me see what is egotistical about asking people to focus on your experience of leaving an abusive marriage rather than your parents' experience of being upset that their daughter is leaving an abusive marriage.

Honestly, because in my (extended ) family everything always revolves around my parents and their difficult personalities

so to normal people, it might not sound egotistical, but to my siblings or my aunt (close to and relies on my parents a lot) , it would be a pretty groundbreaking statement. They would maybe see it as me asking them to be disloyal

I'm just flabbergasted that your parents think that life should be miserable. And if they do genuinely think that they should be delighted that everything is going wrong for them, in their opinion.

My ex's family believe that it is better to cry in a jacuzzi than peeling onions, whereas I prefer not to live a life that makes me cry inordinately.

You sound very determined, OP, and quite rightly so.

Just before leaving my EXDP and father of my DC I confided in my Dad, who was extremely supportive; my mum was abroad visiting relatives at the time.

When she returned, not only did she tell me to go back to my EX, she also told my Dad to change his tune as well.

I carried on and left the emotionally abusive bastard, and my Dad has been so supportive with logistics with my DC, yet my mum takes every opportunity to remind me of EXDP (then wonders why I am very LC with her!).

You have to do what's right for you and your DC, focussing on what you need to do to reach the other side. Don't let other people's thoughts and feelings about this sway you; it's you that has to live this life, not them.

They can disapprove until the cows come home. Just smile and nod. Life is too short to stay in a horrible relationship. Keep going with your plans and don’t talk to them about it.

I went through exactly the same OP,my parents loved my ex husband and had none him since he was 18 and everyone loved him but behind closed doors they didn't know he was financially abusive, emotionally and mentally abusive and he raped me many times.

My parents actually took him in after we broke up,but after a few months they couldn't stand it so they kicked him out.

My parents both passed never knowing what I'd been through but thankfully I divorced the bastard and went onto meet my now amazing DH and my Mum and Dad accepted it and they went on to really love my DH and he really loved them,it took meeting my DH and my parents getting to know him before they seemed to realize just how unhappy I was before compared to how happy my DH has made me.

Please don't stay in a bad marriage for anyone else least of all your parents, it's hard I know but you owe it to yourself and your DC to be happy,life is to short to stay in a bad marriage, don't deny yourself peace and happiness.

My parents did this to me and it was awful. My ex husband was abusive and a cheat. When my daughter was 3 he got my friend pregnant. I didn’t tell my parents for ages and when my did my dad begged me to take him back and said I had made my mum so poorly I wouldn’t recognise her. I felt so bad I ended up taking him back. Anyway the abuse continued, every sort you could imagine. Cheating continued and one day I had had enough. It was 4 years later. I went to my parents ( they are local) and said I have to leave, sorry if that upsets you but I won’t be changing my mind this time.

it was 7/8 years ago now and they’ve never been particularly supportive but accepted it had to happen. I am a different person. I would be dead by now if I had stayed. I have had lots of counselling and realise it was due to my parents’ behaviour all my life that I ended up in a controlling and dangerous relationship in the first place. I now keep my distance from them as much as I can too.

good luck

If asking for their support is going to involve such a dance around your parents and they are trapped in the same narrative you have been that centres your parents in everything, is it realistic to expect your extended family to be able to provide you with the kind of support you are hoping?
Might it be more sensible to rely on friends for emotional support instead?
Can you be fighting both through the divorce and your parents' selfishness at the same time, on behalf of everyone? That's a lot.

@Bitterballen you are probably right. It’s so dispiriting but I am giving this far too much prominence in my head, hoping for support they are likely not capable of give me.

as I mentioned upthread, (and I’ve been writing long essays so apologies!) ,i don’t have many close friends. - no big girly groups where we all share confidences and have each others back. I doubt I’d have married my husband if I’d had that.

A few friends know I am extremely unhappy and they are sympathetic (they hate him) but they are busy with their own families and jobs and I’d hate to impose on them with my drama.

But I’m wondering if it’s my upbringing kicking in, the whole “we do not tell people private family information ” thing.

as is obvious from my posts I am feeling desperately alone with all this, so I might text a few friends this week and see if they are free for a heart to heart chat. That would be a really unusual thing for me to do, so hopefully it’s not too weird for them.

@Runninghappy

in so sorry to hear this happened to you, and glad to hear you are so much happier now.

Been here, got the t shirt OP. Long story short, escaped from both abusive exH and have been NC with mother for over a decade.

My mother loved ExH because he "kept me in my place" ie. Treated me like shit, as she had done all my childhood.

I'm pretty sure I only picked him because it was a pattern of not knowing anything other than people who control or abuse.

I've now been married to a wonderful man for the last 10 years and haven't spoken to or seen my mother for 15. Life is blissful.

You can do this OP but you may need to accept your parents don't care about your best interests, and you also need to cut them out too.

You can do this. Picture yourself on the other side.

Well done for taking the first step.

Ignore your parents. I had the same shit. I love them to bits, they have supported everyone ever with stuff like this.
Then I decided I wanted to split for my now exh and the response was 'well he didn't hit you and he didn't cheat so what's the problem'.
Apparently being unhappy isn't a viable excuse.

It took my mum 3 years to finally tell her own siblings because I was banned from letting any uncles/aunts know because the shame it would cause my mum. She would often say 'that's my family you have no right to say anything to them'. So I was expected to lie of my aunt ever spoke to me and asked 'when will you and your dh have another baby' etc.

I didnt lie for them. Because it filled me with disgust.

I wish, in fact that I had just sent a group message to everyone and not given a shit about what my parents thought. Because 3 years later when its all settled and finalised and I've moved on to a new partner, my aunt was so upset and wanting to know how I was...and I'm sat there thinking 'well I'm fine, I was over this 3 years ago!'

Just focus on staying amicable for the kids, ignore EVERYONE else and make sure you instill in your parents that this is your decision, and the only forbidden part about it is any trash talk about your stbxh in front of the kids. That's it.

Oh and also, feel free to PM me for support x

You NEED to talk to family members who might be on your side. Do you have cousins or aunties you can confide in? (My cousin and his partner are absolutely my allys, as is the guy my cousin and I started school with. My kids think of them as uncles and their aunt and know them and love them.)
It would be absolutely sensible to let them know that your family are embarrassed by your split and unhelpful/unsupportive.
Your DH has probably manipulated you into isolating yourself from any real friends. Contact old ones and find a safe place to go.

I might text a few friends this week and see if they are free for a heart to heart chat. That would be a really unusual thing for me to do, so hopefully it’s not too weird for them.
It might well open up your friendship in a whole new direction and make it more "real". That's been my experience. I even found that I had people coming to me to talk about similar woes, later on!

It's a great idea to look to your friends for support. My family is in another country so would not have been able to provide much support if they had wanted to, and I relied on new and old friends, my own self-care, therapy and other help from my GP to get over the hardest period. When I told my dad some of the things my ex had done, he suggested I was imagining it, said he missed my ex and made a point of meeting up with him when he visited. His wife actually apologised to me for that! But I know my dad has some issues with social situations.

Have you ever been able to rely on their support?

I'm so sorry, OP, this sounds really hard. You're undoubtedly making the right decision for you and your kids and it's a huge achievement to break out of the conditioning.

Don't be afraid to approach your friends - I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised by how keen they are to support you. I'm a single parent now and a friend pointed out (when I was fretting I was taking up friends' valuable time) that a half hour coffee was a) half an hour of her entire week and b) a welcome change for her too. As a PP said, it has absolutely changed the shape and depth of my friendships and I make time to support them too.

And a HUGE yes to counselling if you can afford / access it.

OP, I’m incensed in your behalf.
WRT your parents each and every time you are told you are upsetting them, you reply with “and you are letting me down.” They have let you down enormously, they need to know disappointment isn’t a one way street.

Get the divorce done and I would recommend a period of counselling. You have many parent issues which I think if you could unpick, would help you moving forward.

I wish you the best of luck!

My parents are also very much influenced by what their 75yr old+ friends will think, what the neighbours will think... To an unhealthy level where they get almost obsessed about what others 'know' and what others may think about them.

All I will say is that three years ago my mother became v unwell with mental health issues. Dad ignored it and she lived like a recluse for a year, hiding it from me (I live 800miles away). As the phone calls got worse with her I finally twigged what was happening and drove the length of the country... To be met with utter chaos. Tears, swearing, mother in utter breakdown, father drinking.

Those people who they were 'so concerned about' obviously didn't 'know' because dad had hidden it all. But when they did know, they were nowhere.

No visits to my mother, no cards, no phone calls. Nowhere.

Think what I'm saying is do what makes you happy or enables you to move forward. The people who influence your parents are not going to be there when times get really tough. It's more a symptom of your parents being obsessive and out of touch/vulnerable, than what is the right thing to do.

Good luck....