Parents want me to stay married

[Whereissummer23]

My husband and I are splitting it. It’s awful and stressful , we have two young kids but our marriage is over after years of unhappiness on my part (no physical violence but lots of verbal abuse and generally crap treatment from my husband)

my parents are not supportive. They acknowledge the marriage is unhappy but are very old fashioned and it’s all about what people in their social circle will think. that was their first reaction when I told them - who else knows about this??

I’ve been absolutely forbidden from mentioning it to anyone else in my family. I also have very few friends so feel very isolated.

They also worry for my kids, which is natural but I think my kids are sadly being messed up just in a different way if we stay married

. I will end up insane if I don’t get away from my husband. This doesn’t seem to register with my parents, my dad seemed confused when I said how unhappy I was, he basically said “but life is unhappy, why do you think being unhappy means you can do this? You are so selfish. I don’t want to hear anymore about this, go home and try harder “

I knew they’d be like this but it feels so unfair when my husband has tons of support even though it’s his behaviour that has led us to this.

even his family acknowledge he has behaved badly but their view is that I should forgive him because he has ‘changed’ (that won’t last!) and ’he loves me’ (I don’t care, I despise him)

I know rationally that it shouldn’t make a difference what my parents think, it is my life etc etc but it is just so hard, I am so emotionally conditioned by it all. and my husband is so difficult that I really need some support.

has anyone else had this experience? Did you have strategies for coping and pushing on without support?

@80s My parents are a great practical support, particularly as my husband is often so selfish. Think picking up kids from school and giving them dinner, my dad doing (really good) bits of DIY at his own initiative, my mum constantly turning up with (really good) trays of home made food. I know its about control as well as love

But emotionally, in truth no they have never been a support, but it's been sort of masked by the physical help if you see what i mean?

I cannot remember ever crying in front of them as an adult for example. They would find it excruciating and they would be almost offended that I'd inflicted my emotions on them.

So is it partly that you're feeling their lack of emotional support, that you've noticed over the years already - but you are being made painfully aware of now?
It is hard when you've beeen let down by your supposed life partner, and are having to face things alone - even if you've really been doing that all along.

It’s being scared to deal worth the practical issues that has let me put up with my husband screaming at me to “shut the fuck up” in front of people at a kids birthday party last year. it was so humiliating, I could see everyone around us staring at their feet and feeling awkward.

It will come as no surprise to those who REALLY care about you when they find out you are getting divorced. In fact, my money is on them surprising you and rallying round you.

You know there's a saying - "those who mind don't matter; those who matter don't mind" and this is one of those circumstances where this applies with bells on.

Just keep the divorce off the list of conversation with your parents. Don't bring it up and if they do just shut it down with "I know how upsetting you find this so let's not talk about it hey?"

@80s yes, that's right.

Over the years people have commented on how lucky I am to have such involved parents, but i've come, very belatedly, to see that it all refers to stuff like my dad cutting my front lawn. Never emotional involvement.

I think i've been kidding myself that i didn't need any emotional support from anyone. I've always thought of myself as strong and resilient.

Now I wonder if I've just been bottling it all up, and minimising the crap from my husband as a survival mechanism.

This thread with my millions of posts certainly suggests I have some stuff to get off my chest!

I really do need support, and the advice on here has been so helpful at clarifying that I need to seek it elsewhere if I can.

@FrangipaniBlue I do hope you are right about the rallying round, my husband has certainly taken advantage of his better support network to get his narrative out there.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give advice, and for the lots of people sharing their own difficult stories.

I think i've been kidding myself that i didn't need any emotional support from anyone. I've always thought of myself as strong and resilient.
Well, it was either that or collapse in a puddle because of the lack of support, wasn't it? When you grow up knowing that it's not worth complaining about your problems, as you won't get support, then you stop complaining and get on with it. You learned it from your parents, and did it with your husband - would it be fair to say that if you hadn't had this mindset, you might not have married him/stayed as long?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but there were lots of red flags about my husband before we got married.

I have to take responsibility for that, but there were certiainly times when i had serious, serious doubts but no one I felt could confide in. My husband was very controlling , friends had distanced themselves because of him and he had sort of worn me down.

My parents would have been ok with me ending the relationship in the early days as they despise him - they've never said this, of course, but I know they do.

But once I was engaged their view was very much 'you've made your bed now lay in it'.

The nearest I came to was a few weeks before the wedding when i got very drunk and sobbed to the female taxi driver on the way home about how i knew i was making a mistake, and she kept saying "you can't marry him!"

But i got up the next day and ploughed on regardless because as someone said above i had been taught that my feelings were never valid, or at least never to be acted on. I would have had zero support from my parents had I tried to call it off, and probably a nervous breakdown from my mum (behind closed doors of course)

Not wanting to get married to him was not a good enough reason not to get married - i know that sounds totally insane written down. My parents friends had bought new hats for god sakes, how could my feelings possibly trump that! 🙄

Time for things to change, Whereissummer23 :)
You're older, more aware and less willing to put up with this shit. This is when you turn things around and start living a more authentic life, leaving your parents looking on goggle-eyed :)
They may be too old to change but you're clearly not!

But once I was engaged their view was very much 'you've made your bed now lay in it'

There are a few phrases that make me see red and that's one of them. It's saying we don't care if you're unhappy, we don't care if you're married to a drunk/abuser/gambler/feckless idiot wastrel. Should've chosen better, shouldn't you?'

But here's the thing about beds. You get out of them, you remake them and when they get uncomfortable and worn out you stop sleeping in them and find another one that suits you.

Remind your parents that coercive control is against the law and that its not just partners who can be prosecuted for it.

Your happiness is your responsibility

Make the changes

It is not your concern what other people think or say

Divorce the bloody lot of them

Update, for anyone who is interested!

I ended up telling other family members, who were not only very supportive but offered to speak to my parents on my behalf.

I do not know what was said, but the outcome was that my parents called me and said they would support me if I wanted to get divorced!

It feels like such a weight has been lifted. I really didn't expect this.

I just need to deal with my terrible husband now!

Thanks again for all the support on this thread

Delighted for you.

You deserve so much better.

Wishing you strength.

You are very brave.

Keep going and we are here for you.

I'm so delighted to hear this. You've inspired me that things will be different for me this time around.

@Whereissummer23 so glad you have some support there. Good luck with the next steps.

Been here. It's not their life. You are responsible for your own happiness. They have lived their lives as they want. You are an adult live yours be happy. Good luck.

Great update OP - really pleased for you

Glad to hear it worked out! Hope you feel encouraged and get lots of positive things out of the whole process.

There always going to be people who tell you how you should live your life. But it's YOUR life so you decide.

I would say to my parents 'No. Life is not supposed to be unhappy. I feel exceedingly sorry for you if you are unhappy and think you should remain so. But I will not. I have every right to make decisions regarding my future. I have decided I want to pursue happiness. And my children and I will be much happier when I'm out of this marriage. So I'm leaving him. So either support that decision or you can both sod off too'.

Find your backbone. Yes it's going to be a struggle. But once you're out, you're finally free!

Never let other people decide your life for you. The decisions we regret the most are the ones we let other people make for us.

So pleased op. It's definitely an age thing. My parents and grandma told me better a bad husband than no husband.

I am now happily re-married to dh who is a godsend to not only me but our whole family..