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Original poster

Dp wanting anal more often…

427 replies

Forums4321 · 15/07/2023 22:56

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 09:06

@gemstoneju what’s that supposed to mean???

DirectionToPerfection · 16/07/2023 09:07

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:13

@BalletBob
"How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" is nothing more than a way to justify riding roughshod over women's sexual boundaries.
This is not where I’m coming from at all. The OP states she is inexperienced so the only way to become experienced is to try things out! Anal orgasms can feel very powerful for women, beautiful and so deep. The rhetoric that they are purely for the man’s benefit is quite untrue.

What the hell is wrong with you? OP finds it painful and doesn't like it.

The thought of it makes me (and many women) deeply uncomfortable, so piss off with your pressurising 'cool girl' bullshit.

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 09:07

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 09:06

@gemstoneju what’s that supposed to mean???

No longer engaging. Goodbye.

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 09:07

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:56

@GrinAndVomit the OP has said she was open to it, she just didn’t want it every time. ‘Why are you here?’ you sound quite confrontational.

I am being confrontational with you.

She has said she is open to it because he enjoys it despite it being painful and not enjoyable for her at all.

On top of this, he isn’t even asking for consent before inflicting this pain on her.

Women do not exist purely to serve men.

Make yourself an account on Reddit. You’ll find many more “like minded” and “non confrontational” friends on there.

Threewheeler1 · 16/07/2023 09:08

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:42

@GrinAndVomit people tend to not be educated about anal due to it’s taboo nature, then try anal without preparation and it hurts the woman. Of course it should be discussed beforehand, I was just trying to point out that anal sex can be wonderfully pleasurable for the woman.

What is the point of this post? It's clearly not 'pleasurable' for the OP. It actually hurts her.
Away with your boundary-eroding 'a little bit of lube and some whale song' guff. She doesn't need some anal apologist coming along and telling her she's just doing it wrong.
Perhaps read the link upthread about the actual consequences for women and stop pretending it isn't just another male-pleasure-centred kink (or worse) that women should be accommodating.

daisychain01 · 16/07/2023 09:12

@User1789 So you're suggesting the OP goes off to the cesspit that is the Sex Thread where all that abuse is normalised, because what the OP has described is just that, abuse of their sexual boundaries. And they're being completely passive in giving over control to this vile bloke.

You're not doing a woman like the OP any favours by sending them somewhere to validate and encourage sexual abuse as a normal thing to do, advising her to try it in case she might get to like it. Urgh.

Custardslices · 16/07/2023 09:12

I had a man like this. Started off every now and then becoming what he only wanted.

No surprises he turned out to be gay and needing me to be his 'beard'

Could he be OP?...

Maray1967 · 16/07/2023 09:12

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 23:00

"However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

That's what I think

This. You were ill advised to do it once, in my view. Men who ask for it need to be told a firm no.

Walkaround · 16/07/2023 09:13

Well, once he has loosened up your anus, like he has your vagina, and you have faecal incontinence, where will he try next? Unless you find anal sex incredibly enjoyable yourself, it is not worth the harm it can do to you. The person taking the most risks should be getting the most pleasure, it should never be the other way round.

Alongthe · 16/07/2023 09:16

walkaround I was about to point this out. It’s the obvious next stage. Do yourself a big favour OP 8 years now things have changed and no going back tell him you won’t be his beard.

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 09:16

Walkaround · 16/07/2023 09:13

Well, once he has loosened up your anus, like he has your vagina, and you have faecal incontinence, where will he try next? Unless you find anal sex incredibly enjoyable yourself, it is not worth the harm it can do to you. The person taking the most risks should be getting the most pleasure, it should never be the other way round.

Quite. Teenage girls? Prepubescent ones?

The whole thing is grotesque. Once you've reduced a human being to a pleasurable hole, all other boundaries become porous.

TheHolyGrailSpeaks · 16/07/2023 09:18

gemstoneju · 15/07/2023 23:35

Why are you with this man, OP? He is treating you like a lump of meat and couldn't gaf about your feelings, desires or the physical consequences. Reading your own posts, can't you SEE that?

I bet Germaine Greer never thought men would end up wanking in the anus.

Just LTB.

Sorry OP but I agree with this. It’s just grim.

RudsyFarmer · 16/07/2023 09:18

My main concern would be long term damage OP. My mother used to manage the toilets in a predominantly gay facility and the amount of shit soaked tampons she had to deal with was unreal.

Whataretheodds · 16/07/2023 09:19

OP I can't get over the fact that 3 times during sex your husband has done something without warning/consent that you don't actually enjoy, and that you fins painful at worst, 'can tolerate' at best.

And to say it's better than your vagina.
That's not a loving thing to do.

Does he know how you feel?

If you enjoy a bit of anal fingering/rimming then carry on with that.

But please don't feel you need to go along with something you don't enjoy.

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 09:26

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 09:16

Quite. Teenage girls? Prepubescent ones?

The whole thing is grotesque. Once you've reduced a human being to a pleasurable hole, all other boundaries become porous.

Show quote history

I am in firm agreement.
I don’t think the pleasure is derived solely from “tightness”, it’s derived from the feeling of control, overriding boundaries and taboo.
Of it was just about tightness, OP could just use her hand.

When I was in my early twenties I fell completely in love with a man. Being 23, I tried to be very cool and impress him by bringing up the subject of anal.

He replied “I’m not interested in doing anything that involves you having to build up a tolerance to it”

I married him ❤️

AndyMcFlurry · 16/07/2023 09:33

lavenderlou · 16/07/2023 00:16

I'm sorry but you regularly engage in an unenjoyable and painful sexual experience that you have not explicitly consented to because you want to make your partner happy? I find that really concerning. I would be horrified if my DDs ended up in relationships where they felt like this. Makes me realise I am going to have to have some uncomfortable but necessary conversations with them on this subject in the coming years.

This.

YouJustDoYou · 16/07/2023 09:41

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 09:16

Quite. Teenage girls? Prepubescent ones?

The whole thing is grotesque. Once you've reduced a human being to a pleasurable hole, all other boundaries become porous.

Show quote history

Exactly. And the fact they're teaching very young children about anal sex is wrong on so many levels. "Try this new hole boys, you don't just have to stick your dicks in vagina!". I bet they're not teaching the girls at the same time how horrifically physically damaging it can be.

ImaginaryDragon · 16/07/2023 09:46

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 22:58

I think you should buy a strap-on so he can get the full experience.

🤣 Quote of the day!

ImaginaryDragon · 16/07/2023 09:46

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 23:00

"However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

That's what I think

+1

FiveShelties · 16/07/2023 09:54

I have just been reading your other thread where you say you don't like your partner.

Why would you let him treat him in this way if you don't like him? Surely you deserve more than this.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/07/2023 09:58

Marshmar · 16/07/2023 01:19

Who is us? If your going to right this shit at least get your facts right first. People pay tax on UC, childcare help is dependant on what you earn. School uniform help where? The school dinners... it's laughable the majority of working people will pay for their kids school.

Show quote history

Wft are you talking about?

Us was an obvious typo (for UC).

You've used the word "right" instead of "write".

If you are in receipt of UC, you get what I've listed...including 85% of childcare paid for for the hours you work (below the earnings threshold on UC).

Check your own facts.

Mayhem3 · 16/07/2023 09:58

as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

Yet you can’t even speak to him about something that’s upsetting you?

I’m not sure what you expect a bunch of random strangers on MN to say to you because the only thing you can do is speak to him and tell him how you feel and then he make changes.

Unfortunately we cannot speak to him for you or give you a magic wand so you don’t have to have the conversation.

If you are so comfortable around him then explain exactly how you have here - that you enjoy it but only as an irregular thing (how often is up to you) and although he was trying to be complimentary you were hurt because he makes it feel like he doesn’t enjoy vaginal sex with you.

monsteramunch · 16/07/2023 09:59

I don’t actually find it enjoyable physically, it’s rather painful but he’s slowed down a lot and lets me take control so I can handle it better.

Tell him this.

Tell him you don't find it enjoyable and it hurts you.

If he still wants to do it, he isn't the kind of man I would want to be in a relationship with.

Would you enjoy doing something sexual with him if you knew he didn't enjoy it and it hurt him?

SirVixofVixHall · 16/07/2023 10:00

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 23:00

"However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

That's what I think

Me too.
Plus the strap on suggestion.

NeedleFeltedFox · 16/07/2023 10:00

That’s it OP trot off to the sex board so the porn addled users over there can reassure you that anal sex is wonderful if you just try harder.

There’s a whole subsection of porn dedicated to painful anal sex - the DH is enjoying the fact it’s hurting the op. That’s what gets him off. He’s not interested in vaginal sex any more because the op finds it enjoyable. This isn’t something to get over it’s something to say no to every single time. It’s not an occasional treat 🤢 like someone said.