Dp wanting anal more often…

[Forums4321]

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

that you enjoy it but only as an irregular thing

Op doesn't even seen to enjoy it - she's handles it, for him.

Have you read her other thread, he's an abuser. She dors everything around the house and he comes home and picks on ant minor thing he can to have a go at her. She described herself as unhappy in the relationship.

Excellent point

Your other thread makes clear that this is just another part of the picture in terms of your partner not respecting you.

@Forums4321 doesn't it hurt?

I don’t actually find it enjoyable physically, it’s rather painful

Don’t do it then. You don’t have to endure anything that is painful or uncomfortable in bed to please your partner. Ever. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t lie there while you get your rocks off by doing stuff to him that he actively dislikes.

Wow I've just read all your responses and seen that it actually hurts like I thought it would😭. Why do something that hurts and is probably smells. You need to tell him it hurts and you are no longer doing it. Infection I think you need to come out of this relationship and find your sense of self. Be alone for a while

Yeah!

I'd be dumping this guy for being selfish, you don't come across as being really into this.

FFS OP stop putting up with this shit. You says he's your life long partner and you've only slept with him but say you've only been with him for 8 years so I'm assuming you're quite young? I see from PPs responses that he is abusive in other ways and he must knows this hurts you. Do you seriously want to spend your life with this type of person?

If it is painful for you, the answer is no.

The way she talks about it is very concerning. Something so painful and she talks as if its OK to be hurt like that even once in a while. Sounds very disconnected with her own self. Like it doesn't really matter if she is hurt to pleasure him.

https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a27044367/death-grip-masturbation/

Haven’t read the full thread.

I recently attended a series of men’s health lectures, including one lead by a psychotherapist dealing with sexual issues. She talked about “death grip masturbation”. I assume this is what your partner has been doing without necessarily realising, and as such he’s desensitised his penis. He’s using anal as a way to orgasm because he’s made it difficult for himself to orgasm having sex with a vagina.

TLDR - It’s not you, it’s him.

Tonight for example, he spent a while beforehand on foreplay purely trying to see what I enjoy/asking me what I liked etc.

After 8 years he shouldn't be spending this amount of time working out whats good for you. This makes me wonder (and shudder)what sex has been like for you these eight years. Have you always put his needs first, and I don't mean just sexually.

Is he thoughtful and considerate to you outside the bedroom?

I feel so sorry for you op, so sad that your partner is abusing you. He feels he has power over you and is doing things to you which you obviously do not enjoy yet can not express that to him even though you have been together 8 years, surely you must be comfortable with each other to be able to let him know what you like and do not like.
If you sat him down and explained that anal won’t be happening again during sex as it’s not something you find enjoyable and even find quite painful, what would he say? What would his reaction be? I think his reaction would tell me where the future of our relationship lies.
As someone who has had years of digestive issues and have had many procedures including anal examinations (including a colonoscopy just yesterday) I honestly can not see how anyone can find anal sex a comfortable or enjoyable experience and I certainly would not want to risk my future health in that area, I could not imagine anything worse than anal incontinence.
I am also sad that anal sex is becoming the ‘norm’ amongst younger people and sad that I am having to have more and more frank conversations with my 15 year old dd so she can protect herself and physical and mental well-being in the future.
Please read all the replies on here op, your dp does not sound like he has much interest in your pleasure or future wellbeing.

Is he thoughtful and considerate to you outside the bedroom?

I've already quoted the other thread, he's actually abusive.

But with op, who's a sahm currently financially dependent on him and had two kids by him, apparently disappearing from this thread, I have a feeling she's going nowhere.

Yeah, porn again and general expectations that women are just holes for male pleasure is to blame for this rise in anal.

You're not enjoying it, you are worried about it and you worry that now if you don't give him what he wants 'it will not be good enough'. I think you need to have a conversation with him about what you're feeling. It's not fair on you.

It would be a hard no from me as well. Your long term health is more important than his moment of happiness, especially since he has plenty of other options.

Anal too often for women can be dangerous.

But that aside, do you actually enjoy it OP? If you enjoy it occasionally, then fair enough, but if you don't, then it's time to use your words.
If he tries it, and you're not game, you need to say, "I'm not interested in anal tonight. Normal please."
If he refuses, well, that's the end of sex for a while. He'll get the message.

@Forums4321 how old are you and how old is he? I ask because you say he's your first sexual partner but he's had anal with lots of women, and you've been together 8 years. Just made me wonder.

Eww. Women need to stop letting men do things like this. It created bad habits for you and your sexual experiences. Stop it now and say no.

My religion doesn't allow anal sex and this is probably why. It's shit for the woman and can cause longer term problems.

If you’re uncomfortable at your most vulnerable, doing something to please your partner that generally gives you nothing but pain (and a feeling you’ve satisfied him) , that isn’t love.

Chances are he masturbates a lot and with a tight hold so he’s looking for that similar tightness. Yes it’s great for him, less so for you - both physically and emotionally, or you wouldn’t be posting here about it.

Forget pleasing him for a moment and think what do you want? When it comes to your what goes into body, what you want must always take priority.

He's lucky he's getting any.

My husband keeps on pushing, but I told him in that my anus is an absolute no go area for him.

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. I haven’t managed to read through them all as there’s so many!

i spoke to him about it this morning, and explained that it can be quite painful for me. He said we won’t do it again. I told him I’m not completely against it, once in a while is fine so he asked for a time frame I said perhaps once every six months. He asked me how we should go about doing it and for me to let him know when I’m ready.

Eww. Women need to stop letting men do things like this.

@Mela155 How about men just stop doing things like this! There not brain dead Morans who don't know any better until women sit down and teach them right from wrong. He knows full well that his wife isn't bent over having the time of her life, he knows full well that he is causing pain.. yet he carries on to the point of orgasm anyway then wonders round the bedroom talking about how great it is. It's not because his wife hasn't told him it's because he is an entitled arsehole. Just like a lot of men when it comes to sex. Blame the man in these situations not the woman.