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Original poster

Dp wanting anal more often…

427 replies

Forums4321 · 15/07/2023 22:56

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Dullardmullard · 16/07/2023 07:58

Saying do it to him might back fire on her as he might go for it

AWholeExtraRoom · 16/07/2023 07:59

arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2023 23:30

'I don’t actually find it enjoyable physically, it’s rather painful'

Right.

So - why op? Just why?

Why do you value yourself so low compared to him that you would do this?

That's the question you need to be asking yourself.

What does he do for you that he finds painful and doesn't physically enjoy, but does it anyway because you like it?

I was hoping someone would say this.

OP, where do you think you've received the message that it's OK for sex to be painful for a woman so long as the man's enjoying himself? I mean that seriously - please reflect on it.

Doing something that you find a bit boring, or that's not your personal favourite because your partner enjoys it - fine - 50/50, give and take (no pun intended). As soon as one partner is in PAIN or even discomfort - absolutely not. Would he keep enduring painful lack of enjoyment in sex for your sake? No he fucking wouldn't. Would you want him to? I think you'd be horrified and stop immediately. Does he know how it is for you?

Why are you so much more lowly in this relationship by your own (and possibly his?) estimation?

SunRainStorm · 16/07/2023 08:00

I feel like this thread is being derailed a bit by talk of sex between gay men. It's really not relevant to OP, maybe start a new thread for this discussion?

Badger1970 · 16/07/2023 08:04

Take it off the table completely. Doesn't need to be any drama - "What we did last time and the other times before? It's not comfortable or enjoyable for me, and I don't want it to happen again. I need you to respect this".

Any loving decent partner would be OK with this.

AuntieJune · 16/07/2023 08:06

Good sex is mutually pleasurable. Not putting up with something. He shouldn't be choosing what to do to you like you're a hill with different walking trails.

What if there was something you enjoyed but he had to wear a condom full of sand with a drawing pin at the end pointing inwards? Would he put up with it to please you?

Tbh it sounds like he doesn't know the difference between porn and real life.

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:13

@BalletBob
"How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" is nothing more than a way to justify riding roughshod over women's sexual boundaries.
This is not where I’m coming from at all. The OP states she is inexperienced so the only way to become experienced is to try things out! Anal orgasms can feel very powerful for women, beautiful and so deep. The rhetoric that they are purely for the man’s benefit is quite untrue.

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 08:22

Badger1970 · 16/07/2023 08:04

Take it off the table completely. Doesn't need to be any drama - "What we did last time and the other times before? It's not comfortable or enjoyable for me, and I don't want it to happen again. I need you to respect this".

Any loving decent partner would be OK with this.

Perfectly put.

Op, if you being in pain and taking no pleasure is the “best sex ever” for him, then he’s a problem.

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 08:24

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:13

@BalletBob
"How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" is nothing more than a way to justify riding roughshod over women's sexual boundaries.
This is not where I’m coming from at all. The OP states she is inexperienced so the only way to become experienced is to try things out! Anal orgasms can feel very powerful for women, beautiful and so deep. The rhetoric that they are purely for the man’s benefit is quite untrue.

She’s tried it. She doesn’t like it. It hurts her.
Why the fuck should she continue?

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 08:24

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:13

@BalletBob
"How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" is nothing more than a way to justify riding roughshod over women's sexual boundaries.
This is not where I’m coming from at all. The OP states she is inexperienced so the only way to become experienced is to try things out! Anal orgasms can feel very powerful for women, beautiful and so deep. The rhetoric that they are purely for the man’s benefit is quite untrue.

She's tried it out and she doesn't like it. It's not getting any better for her. She's being pressurised sexually by a man tramping over HER boundaries, whose actions sound tantamount to non consensual contact (rape) on occasion. Why else would she be asking for help on a public forum?

Mermaidparades, interesting handle.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:26

I think the OP is getting off on this thread.

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 08:31

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 16/07/2023 08:26

I think the OP is getting off on this thread.

Hah! That's always a possibility.

youtwoandme · 16/07/2023 08:35

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 22:58

I think you should buy a strap-on so he can get the full experience.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 08:37

Do you like lurking on these threads, @Mermaidparades? If you're not posting about erotic hypnosis, shower heads for masturbation, 'National Sex Day' or the best positions to have sex on the knees?

StopStartStop · 16/07/2023 08:37

Split up with the dodgy pervert, before he tries to stick it up your arse again.
Do not bother talking about it. He knows he's been there and you put up with it, so for the rest of your lives he'll be knocking at the back door.

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:38

@gemstoneju do you mean my username? It’s the name of a song I was listening to when I was creating my username!

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:42

@GrinAndVomit people tend to not be educated about anal due to it’s taboo nature, then try anal without preparation and it hurts the woman. Of course it should be discussed beforehand, I was just trying to point out that anal sex can be wonderfully pleasurable for the woman.

Festoonedflurryfairy · 16/07/2023 08:44

Surely consent is a huge issue here op?

If a partner wants to switch from the ordinary agreed upon consensual things you do together, he should be pausing, and explicitly asking you. He shouldn’t just be switching in mid stream as it were without your consent. That’s taking advantage and it’s wrong.

Tell him you want a conversation about consent. Tell him you do not consent to anal bc it is uncomfortable and unrewarding for you. Tell him if he wants to leave to be with someone who is “tighter” he’s very welcome.

loislovesstewie · 16/07/2023 08:50

What I always find amazing is that many men blanch at the idea of having a rectal examination at the GPs , an actual medical exam to check for prostate problems, however they are quite keen on shoving an erect penis into a woman's anus rather than a vagina , which is clearly better prepared for sex. I mean a finger in the rectum and they get the collywobbles , but them shoving an erection in, just fine!

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 08:50

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:42

@GrinAndVomit people tend to not be educated about anal due to it’s taboo nature, then try anal without preparation and it hurts the woman. Of course it should be discussed beforehand, I was just trying to point out that anal sex can be wonderfully pleasurable for the woman.

But OP isn’t enjoying it and it isn’t even consensual so why are you here?

MyTruthIsOut · 16/07/2023 08:53

Backstreets · 16/07/2023 07:49

How does raising concerns about that scenario and the relationship make someone disapproving of gay men?!

Even on a site called Mumsnet discussing the toll of anal sex on the female body someone will be along with a gentle reminder not to forget to include the men.

😂😂

Ah yes, I forgot about that!

Mermaidparades · 16/07/2023 08:56

@GrinAndVomit the OP has said she was open to it, she just didn’t want it every time. ‘Why are you here?’ you sound quite confrontational.

gemstoneju · 16/07/2023 08:59

I don't want to state the obvious about Mermaidparades as I will get booted off here, but Jesus. Search their previous threads and you'll get a 'flavour'.

Snowy2022 · 16/07/2023 09:02

sunshinesupermum · 15/07/2023 23:10

Of course the anus is tighter but perhaps if he likes it so much you should bin him and suggest he has sex with a man instead.

are you me? exactly my thought. how sure he won't bin you for a man? maybe do him a favour and bin him first.

@Forums4321 do you have children?

User1789 · 16/07/2023 09:04

OP, you might have a bit more luck on the sex board. You might at least not be told that your partner sees you as a fuck hole who has no self-respect, for having a bit of anal sex.

I would suggest that you say to him what you say in the last sentence of your post. It is an entirely legitimate position, and if he doesn't understand, the issue isn't anal sex.

I would also suggest you explore whether or not you think that enjoying anal stimulation (external), as you seem to suggest you do, means that you are obliged to commit to anal penetration (internal), due to societal messaging and your partner's preferences. You are allowed to enjoy one without the other.

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