Dp wanting anal more often…

[Forums4321]

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

This.

You are very prone to an infection if he is double dipping.

OP, be very careful, he sounds very selfish and you sound vulnerable and very young.

He sounds like a heavy porn user and is treating you like meat.

Not good at all.

She's saying she's never felt any desire to do it, therefore she has never done it. And that's a very valid stance. Women should feel zero obligation to "try" anything that doesn't appeal to them, just because a man wants it. Especially sex acts that are risky and have potential lifelong health implications. "How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?" is nothing more than a way to justify riding roughshod over women's sexual boundaries. We all know that men aren't pressuring women into anal sex they don't want because they think the woman might enjoy it.

As someone in my late 20s, guys in their 20s now the majority expect or want anal sex. It's so depressing as even the ones who are 'respectful' and not pushy, you still feel like you're not good enough for them as you know they want it. Porn is massively to blame, anal is in the majority of porn films on the homepage of sites, it's not a Taboo at all anymore it's as common as PIV. Also dangerous practices being shown like going back and forth between V & A, no condoms. A guy did that to me once and I ended up with a severe infection that travelled to my urethra and I was literally pissing blood.

I have done anal to please my partner and I feel really crap about it (no pun intended). But it happens a lot, and it's only years later I'm more assertive now with boundaries and focused on my pleasure not only his.

This is such a sad read.

I cannot believe your partner is happy to do this to you knowing that you’re in pain. That’s not love OP, that’s control.

I think all his “anal sex is so much better” is his way of getting you to do it more often….he’s complimenting the sex to make you feel like you’re doing something amazing for him and so coerce you into doing it again.

You deserve so much more than this.

As many posters have said, I’m so glad I don’t have daughters if this is what’s expected of them as anal sex is thought to be “the norm”.

If it’s painful then you can say no to it op; you shouldn’t have to endure pain to please him. It sounds like you should have a chat about it but you don’t need to agree to any of it

More porn rotted men with partners who just want to make them happy. Ugh

Lie back and think of England has morphed into don’t be vanilla. Neither mindset centres female pleasure or the needs of the female body, and completely disregards our pain and discomfort.

You’re having sex which you don’t enjoy and which you experience pain for a man who can’t even ask your permission and make sure you’re ok with doing it.

He’s horrible.

This man gives me the creeps.

I think each to their own but if you're uncomfortable with it then it shouldn't happen.

Out of curiosity - all those who have disapproved on health / medical grounds must disapprove of gay men for the same reason right?

Your reply to me early on, that was so sad to read. If you’re not enjoying it and are having to ‘handle it’ and it’s causes pain then for goodness sake, don’t do it!!!!

The question is, who is the arsehole here?

You can acknowledge the medical issues anal sex causes without “disapproving” gay men.

Tonight for example, he spent a while beforehand on foreplay purely trying to see what I enjoy/asking me what I liked etc.

After 8 years, hes asking what you like????

(Talking is ok, but seriously)

I disapprove on any grounds that the person doesn't want to do it

If someone knows the risks, then crack on.

As @TheoTheopolis23 posted I think you missed
However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men

He shouldn't be just deciding he's going to put his penis into your anus during sex, he should have your consent before doing so and its dangerous not to prepare properly. I agree with others that from your posts and the way you write about this you seem quite passive, almost as if you weren't actually there or that you have zero autonomy over your body and what happened. I'm sure we all like to please our partners and for them to be happy, but this doesn't mean you have to do things that are painful and that you don't enjoy. Me and DH tried it once and he wasn't overly fussed and I didn't enjoy it- he hasn't asked again as he knows how I feel about it and we still have an active and fulfilling sex life.

Please don't feel pressured into this, genuinely someone who loves and respects would respect you saying no I don't enjoy it/it hurts and not make comments about how great it is or just force it. You also risk damaging your body.

Disapprove of gay men for pointing out that when a man puts his penis in a woman's anus without her being forewarned or adequately preparing it can cause issues? Okay hun.

What a weird thing to say?

Why would me not wanting to do something that risks my health mean that I disapprove of gay men?!

I would assume both the men in the relationship are fully aware of the potential risks of anal sex and take steps to reduce this and the sex is consensual and enjoyable for both.

The problem in OP’s scenario is that she’s doing something sexually that she doesn’t want to, that may cause her long term health damage and is something that causes her pain, and it’s all because she’s feeling pressured into doing it.

How does raising concerns about that scenario and the relationship make someone disapproving of gay men?!

@GrinAndVomit

I don’t know why my reply includes your quote, sorry. I was replying to the person who said that not wanting to have anal sex for health reasons is the same as being disapproving of gay men. It wasn’t meant to be directed at you 👍

He's been your only sexual partner so I think you have little to compare him to. He doesn't sound a considerate lover. If it's painful and you don't like it then don't do it! Anal is becoming normalised by porn and fine if people want to try it or if they enjoy it but it's a man thing, anatomy wise it's far more pleasureable for them than for a woman and women are at greater risks of health consequences and injury.

You need to assert yourself now and put a stop to what you don't like!

Not all gay men have anal sex | Go Ask Alice! (columbia.edu)

This person is also warning young gay men about not having anal sex against their will and blaming porn for men feeling pressured into it. Porn has a lot to answer for.

How does raising concerns about that scenario and the relationship make someone disapproving of gay men?!

Even on a site called Mumsnet discussing the toll of anal sex on the female body someone will be along with a gentle reminder not to forget to include the men.

It’s ok. I gathered from what you wrote what had happened 😊

a lot of gay men don’t do anal.

read the posts, women are built differently. Our tissue is thinner, we are more prone to infections, etc etc.

Not all gay couples practice Anal sex! Jeez, there's a lot more to sexuality than that.
Assuming that they do is surely ignorant at best?

OP, away from the bedroom, or wherever you sex, there needs to be a conversation in which you discuss permission being requested? Would you feel comfortable in refusing permission though?

It makes me sad to think you are going through with this for him alone.

Believe you me, you are in a minority of women - he's been a 'lucky' beggar so far and probably quietly knows this.

Well, men have a prostate gland, women don't. It's up to men to decide if the consequences of regular anal sex are worth putting up with or not. Although it may be the case that some younger men are exploited by older and some don't actually enjoy being the receptive partner. Yes, that is concerning. I remember when the age of consent for men having sex with men was much higher than it is now, and that was frequently cited as the reason.

But this thread is about women being pressurised into AS.