Dp wanting anal more often…

[Forums4321]

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

Can you see the choice people are being given with threads like this though?

Women can either risk coming across some questionable sexual boundary setting on the Sex Thread, or risk being told that sexual behaviour outside of that condoned by outraged-of-Tunbridge-Wells-types means they are responsible for being treated as a fuck hole by a partner who has no respect for them.

Putting these threads into Relationships just results in slut shaming pile-ons, and I don't see how that helps women to self-actualise in such a way that they might feel able to set appropriate sexual boundaries.

Why is his satisfaction triumphing your pain?

If my partner said oh it's painful but I'd do this once in a while, I'd be like absolutely fucking not.

How could you gain pleasure in something knowing that your partner is in pain?

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’

Wow what a charmer.

It's tighter for a reason. It's meant to keep your poo inside you, until the point you are ready to let it go. I don't care how other people have sex - mess with those muscles at your own risk.

‘so much better’ ‘way better’

Whether or not this was intentional, he's emotionally cornered you here and put you in a really difficult position. To carry on like you were before, without anal, is to openly carry on with a sex life that was clearly dull to him in terms of sensation. I don't know I'd get past something like that.

Omg your update makes it worse op. So you've sat down, told him you don't like it and it hurts and he's asked for a schedule of when you can do it and how you're going to plan doing it? Fuck that for a game of cricket. He's a total pig and you're an idiot for still agreeing to do something that you don't like and is painful.

On a thread recently there was a fifteen years old girl a boy not her boyfriend had choked her for sexual fun. She quite enjoyed it. She hadn't had penetrative sex with her mates boyfriend just this.

Where are the kids learning this. In school, if online what websites?

yes young people are viewing porn at younger and younger ages and basically that becomes their sex education. Anal is so common in porn now that kids are growing up thinking its the norm and part of the normal routine of sex. The only porn my generation was exposed to was if you found a magazine either of your father's or friends father's. we did at age 13 and had a giggle at the penis's but it was very mild definitely no anal. we didn't even know anal was a thing.
it's the same with the pressure on girls these days to remove pubic hair. boys probably don't realise women are meant to have hair down there as in porn women are completely bald so boys think pubic hair is wrong.

When does this extreme porn/distorted views end though? I feel genuinely so worried for the next generation, our children growing up whatever they'll be expected to do or pretend to enjoy in their sexual relationships. What when anal gets boring and vanilla? Fisting? Double penetration? Strangulation until passing out? I know that sounds stupid but genuinely it's getting more and more extreme and hardcore and kids are viewing this shit from an early age. It's going to fuck them up

This is the grimmest post I’ve read on here.

Is tomorrowtoday a troll or wtaf?

A man I thought

he asked for a time frame I said perhaps once every six months

OP......that question would turn off so many women.

The fact he actually asked for a time frame and that you are both working out some kind of timetable to this is very, very telling.

He's trying to work out how many times he's going to experience this in your relationship or his lifetime, (if he stays only with you). It shows he's pretty focused on this now .

Your response of 'once every six months' - how did you come to that calculation? This is not the frequency of someone who enjoys doing an activity. Not at all.

Yes I suspect he will still try it.

I have read your other thread @Forums4321 and at first the timeframe of why this has just started didn’t make sense but your other one does. I think he no longer sees you as someone to love but merely someone to have sex with however he wants for his pleasure not yours.

please don’t do this again you need to get advice and start thinking about leaving. And if he does it again without your consent realise that he is raping you and hasn’t listened to you at all

You're working out a timetable for him to cause you pain doing something you don't like?
This is all so sad OP.

Buy him a flesh light if he wants it tight
He's grim AF
Raise your standards and boundaries op

Op , if I could go back in time and change anything about my younger self it would be to have firmer boundaries. If I had a penny for every time I allowed people to walk all over me I'd be a rich women! Please don't do things that hurt you in any way to please others.

This times a million. How many women take a risk, agree to unprotected sex during 'safe periods' and then have to deal with unplanned pregnancies because of men whining about condoms impacting their precious godgiven right to sensation, etc.

Pretty black and white. If you think that sexually, something isn’t to your taste, painful, or humiliating, don’t do it.

He said we won’t do it again. I told him I’m not completely against it

Why on earth would you say that? He agreed to never doing it again and instead of saying "yes that's fine with me" you opened the door to it, why?

Please work on your boundaries and your self esteem.

I agree with PPs that having heard it was painful for you, your partner should have reiterated that it was off the table rather than start talking about a schedule (ew) but you are giving mixed messages and you need to be clear on your boundaries.

Sorry, pressed too soon. You don’t have to justify it, feel bad because he’s saying it’s great or listen to others on Mumsnet telling you they love it. Just don’t do it and if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem. If you find each other attractive, there’s bound to be something you both like. If not, the marriage is over really.

I can’t believe he still wants to do it knowing you don’t like it and that it hurts you.

I can’t believe that he asked you when you’d next be up for it.

He sounds absolutely vile.

And the fact that you are happy to accept this just shows what a dysfunctional relationship you have.

For him to go on about how tight your bum is is a no no. Gives me the ick.
Sorry to ask but is he very small down there?
Have you had children and do your pelvic floor exercises?

Just to say i have a friend that did anal sex a few times in her 30s, shes now mid 60s and can not control her bowels, she can be anywhere and it just happens, theres 1 operation which is not guaranteed to work, she goes through hell and wears adult nappy's.

I’m sure all the cool girls have jumped on to tell you how it’s absolutely fine and they just love it. But I had an ex-boyfriend who was very small in that department, so hardly likely to cause a major impact. His ex-girlfriend shat herself every time she got drunk due to her (or his) preference for anal.

I think posters are being very unfair to your OH and assuming he's a selfish abusive partner. I don't think that's the case.

From this and ops other thread - he's a selfish abusive partner.

I always wonder if you're a bloke when I see your posts, they're rather consistent across threads.

This.

His response to you saying it's painful and you don't enjoy it, is negotiable a timetable for when you'll do it.

And you're grateful for that and presumably thinks he's a good person.

A good person wouldn't have kept doing it knowing it was making you uncomfortable/causing pain ... And now you've had to.take a stand and make a point about it .... He should have dropped it completely

Then there's all the talk about tightness and his orgasm intensity. So tactless and selfish.

Especially given you e carried and birthed two of his kids.