Chronic people pleaser

[WaterBaby9]

I am an absolute pushover and people pleaser. I want to always keep the peace no matter how badly ive been wronged. I never stand up for myself even when inside im bursting. The very few times i have, i end up apologising even when i shouldnt. Im always scared of looking like hassle or a headache. Like, someone could beat me up and ill apologise for bleeding and clean it up. Whats wrong with me?

I dont know the root causes but can therapy address these things? Is it expensive? How do i find one? How do i even start talking about this, its embarassing. I also think id feel better having it over the phone.

It also leaks over when im in a relationship, im deep down insecure but i cant express my wants so i act nonchalant when im screaming inside. Id never question why they are 4 hours late or sat in the car talking on the phone for 30minutes or eyeing up a woman next to us, or that im upset a friend forgot my birthday or cancelled plans without fair notice. I bottle up everything and say oh well. Ive accepted an affair and disgusting treatment because i want to be easy and dont want to cause them headache even when they actively do it to me. I have endless forgiveness for everyone when they dont deserve it. Why? I gain fuck all out of this and tbh im starting to get down about it. Someone upset me the other day and i sat and smiled for an hour and went home and cried instead of saying 'hey, xyz' I clam up and get scared when my friends tell their partners what on their mind and think omg dont he's going to dump you.

What tends to be the root cause of this ?

You're not alone, I'm the same. Hate confrontation so will avoid it at all cost. Hence the never pulling people up on their bad behaviour

@mrsmoppp even the thought of trying to express myself sends my heart racing. How will they think of me? How will i look? I also cant argue to save my life and end up crying so i dont bother ☹️

This may help OP. Natalie Lue talks a lot of sense.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/people-pleasing-is-like-creating-debt-and-then-expecting-others-to-pay-it-off/

I'm the same 😔 I worry about what they'll think. I find it Impossible to say if I don't like what they're doing or how they behaved. I find it really difficult to say no.

Lots of things but usually it’s your script from childhood eg:

1. You were brought up to believe you had to be nice to everyone in order to feel loved
2. You were praised on the basis of your politeness/agreeableness and punished for standing up for yourself
3. One of your parents modelled this behaviour to you and constantly reaffirmed that other peoples needs were more important than yours
4. You were punished for expressing anger or sadness and told it was bad and this forced you to suppress it in order to get approval/love
5. Your needs were neglected at home because either your parents or siblings needs were considered more important
6. You learnt that being agreeable was a survival mechanism etc

Your script growing up was the above and this has carried over into adulthood. Chronic people pleasing is incredibly damaging and it can cause physical illness. A really great book is “not nice” by aziz gazipura which is about people pleasing

@swayingpalmtree very interesting, thank you. I can see some points there you made that i can relate to.

I also find my self trying to love people into loving me. If they show disregard, i try harder to find their approval

I used to be like this a lot as a teenager and early 20s. Note sure when it clicked and I stopped. I found it's the opposite anyway, people like you less when you're overly nice and disregard your own wants and needs. Try and focus on yourself and want you like/want instead of pleasing people. They won't respect you or like you just because you're nice to them.

Yep- see it’s this focus on “do they like me?” Instead of: “do I like them and how do they treat me?” That’s the real question One exercise that can be quite revealing is the why exercise. So, if there is someone you like who isn’t treating you well just ask: “why is it so important that they like me?”, eg “because it means I’m unloveable otherwise”- “why?” And just keep asking yourself why. Eventually you’ll usually hit the root of the issue or at least get a hint about where it originates from.

It's quite a controlling behaviour too.
I used to do this (abusive childhood) but found people respect you so much more when you actually say what your opinion is/are real with people than just asking everyone else what they want to do/I don't mind/whatever you want.

It now irritates me in others but I do know thats unfair as I did it!

I found counselling really helped - Google free iapt in your area.

Yes - what's so special about me/you that everyone should like us. Noone likes everybody and that's okay. We have people we click with and people we don't but we don't need to control others people opinion of us.

And far far better to be real.

I think it helped me to see it as manipulative/unattractive trait rather than a positive one if that makes sense?

Why do you see it as manipulative? Or how did you come to see it like that? I see it as im just a gentle soul who wants world peace 😭

I won't have the best words to explain it but while you're doing the "little me" thing you're ultimately not seeing it as a bad thing so won't change.

But people around you may be fed up you're controlling the narrative, that you don't express an opinion, that you're not honest. The whole "oh whatever you choose" , and then being secretly upset they chose Chinese food /never think of what you want.

It's so damaging to yourself long term self esteem wise but also becomes a damaging trait. People see it as frustrating X wont make a decision/let us get something they like rather than "gentle soul."

You don't give them the option of hearing your opinion or your voice as you've decided they don't need to hear it, that you'll "go with whatever/you choose". So you make that decision for them - it's controlling.

I thinkI read a similar thread here a while ago and it was completely eye opening. It was how I was completely!

Ive never not said what id prefer to eat or trivial things, and i have a strong sense of justice for others, any wrong doing to someone else im the first to defend whats right no matter. I dont think anyone has ever thought of me as annoying rather than ah if we're happy shes happy kind of things. Im very selfless. I just cant seem to defend myself. More so in a close relationship or friendship, i can KNOW my friend is wrong about something but id fear telling her because of her response back or thoughts towards me afterwards. Have just registered for free iapt in my area, thank you x

I think it can “appear” as a bit fake as no one ever gets to know the real you because you just agree with everything/say yes to everything whilst resentment boils up inside you until one day you explode. Then, people are like, WTF? why didn’t she say so if she didn’t like xyz?! It can also mean you make promises you can’t fulfil as you say yes to everything out of fear of letting people down then realise it’s impossible to actually carry out.

It’s important to separate intention from effect though. You arent intending for it to be this way, it’s a learnt behaviour, but the effects it has on others and most importantly you, aren’t healthy.

I was using trivial examples to try and explain it but it's even worse if you're people pleasing about the big stuff.

Swaying's post is good - the intention might seem to be of "being nice" but it's damaging to relationships/friendships longer term.

If you never say when you disagree - you're controlling the narrative. You're never letting them know when you don't agree in the conversation.

This means they have to guess - they'll know you're never honest/will never honestly say if you don't like something/don't approve.

@What3words your posts are really insightful. Op you're not being malicious with this behaviour. I learnt that behaviour from my mum. But you can definitely do something about it now you're aware of it.

It's also ironically incredibly selfish/self centred. (Not saying this to be mean - as I say I did this for years, but to say what it is.)

It's all about you (me/whoever) making themselves the centre of any interaction. I won't say X because they might not like me/like my opinion. It all comes down to making people like you. Like you being liked is the most important thing of any interaction...

Accepting that not everyone likes everyone is something I'm trying to drill into my kids. No everyone won't like you - and that's okay is so important to know. And frees us from the shackles of trying to be that person.

Do you genuinely like everyone?

It becomes an all consuming thing where conversations are about being liked. And then gone over later "did I do/say" the right thing?! Was I too loud/quiet? Do they really think x.... again all about me..

It's like taking off a huge heavy weight when you see it for what it is and stop. Self respect, self care and moving on. Honestly it's been life changing for me . Genuinely.

Totally agree with this. I used to people please and it was self centred because I got so tied up in knots about what people were thinking of me, I lost sight of the fact they probably weren’t thinking of me at all lol. In my mind, it was all about me and what they thought of me and whether I said/did the right thing etc

In reality, people are so caught up with their own stuff, they really don’t care that much. sure, they might give you a fleeting thought but they don’t go home after a party or interaction and analyse your behaviour for hours. I have literally never done that about anyone else apart from
myself.

It’s actually a great relief to know that we aren’t that powerful and that most people probably won’t even remember or notice what we did or didn’t do/say.

I’ve often wondered if chronic people pleasing is related to OCD in some way due to the obsessional and very self focused nature of it 🤔

So how do you stop it?

I am exactly the same and wish I knew how to stop too.

I dont actually know enough to know how to stop.. it was a by-product of counselling (ie not directly the issue) for me and then I could looknback and ealise I didn't so it.

Id guess step 1 - I think recognising when you're doing it and thinking "oh I'm doing that thing again where I try to control other people's opinions of me rather than being real." And just notice it. And be gracious to yourself. Actively rewriting in your head what you're doing rather than kidding yourself its because you're nice/gentle.

Start to make a change. See what happens! If people genuinely dislike you because of your core beliefs then they can go do one. In future your friendships will be with people who know the real you and like you as you are. In reality nothing will happen.

The more you do this the easier it becomes. You realise people don't really give a whatever and may even respect you more.

Some basic cbt can help whereby you "catch" these mindreading thoughts and counter them.

And gradually it does fall away.

There's a fab workbook on self compassion that might be a good book to read alongside this.

@swayingpalmtree I definitely think it can be connected to ocd/obsessive behaviour in some people. I have quite an obsessive personality and was such a people pleaser.

I have a friend who is a massive people pleaser, and my god, it drives me nuts.

One, because he is setting himself up for a life of misery rather than admitting that he does not want the same things as his life partner (moving in, marriage), which he then successfully keeps putting off for years and years, stringing her along, but eventually he'll have no choice. And then the real resentment will start. Almost 20 years of this, and I admire her patience, but at the same time, she has wasted years on someone who really doesn't suit her.

For another, I never know what's really going on in his head. I've been trying to get him to come out for drinks over the last week - now, is he REALLY just too busy right now but we'll arrange something soon as he'd love a few beers with me or is he secretly pissed off because I told him a few home truths the other day?

We used to work together and even there he'd rather roll over and take shit from management than stand up for himself and the team we managed. It caused no end of resentment among our team, whereas I was quite happy to rock the boat and refused some of the ridiculous requests, which ended up with me (and team members) having to do less pointless paperwork.

The amount of times I've told him to just be straight with me. He knows I happily take criticism and the occasional negative outcome from conversations rather than having to second-guess. I'm autistic, so I rarely read nuances and need people to be straight with me.

Good job he's lovely, really. At least I hope.