Chronic people pleaser

[WaterBaby9]

I am an absolute pushover and people pleaser. I want to always keep the peace no matter how badly ive been wronged. I never stand up for myself even when inside im bursting. The very few times i have, i end up apologising even when i shouldnt. Im always scared of looking like hassle or a headache. Like, someone could beat me up and ill apologise for bleeding and clean it up. Whats wrong with me?

I dont know the root causes but can therapy address these things? Is it expensive? How do i find one? How do i even start talking about this, its embarassing. I also think id feel better having it over the phone.

It also leaks over when im in a relationship, im deep down insecure but i cant express my wants so i act nonchalant when im screaming inside. Id never question why they are 4 hours late or sat in the car talking on the phone for 30minutes or eyeing up a woman next to us, or that im upset a friend forgot my birthday or cancelled plans without fair notice. I bottle up everything and say oh well. Ive accepted an affair and disgusting treatment because i want to be easy and dont want to cause them headache even when they actively do it to me. I have endless forgiveness for everyone when they dont deserve it. Why? I gain fuck all out of this and tbh im starting to get down about it. Someone upset me the other day and i sat and smiled for an hour and went home and cried instead of saying 'hey, xyz' I clam up and get scared when my friends tell their partners what on their mind and think omg dont he's going to dump you.

What tends to be the root cause of this ?

It's manipulation but not out of maliciousness. It's about wanting to control everyone's reaction to you. That they need to like you and you'll change your personality, like a chameleon in order for that to happen

Manipulation seems to be a big word here. And from peoples points i can see why people think that. Ive never over commited and let down as a result of taking on too much, same as ive never held it in and become passive agressive later. I literally just hold it in, its stews and simmers goes away. Yes i think 'i wish i said this' but thats all. People people please for manipulation and some do it out of trauma and fear and habits.

Personally I think I act like this because I dont want anyone else to feel how Ive ever been made to feel when people have had a go at me..EVEN IF it is totally deserved, i dont want anyone to leave my company feeling insecure or hurt by things i can just leave unsaid. If you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all vibe.

Its weird because if someone was being attacked on the street or someone was being picked on in front of me, I can stand up for others because i hate seeing injustice. But i take the burden when it comes to myself. Its a funny one.

I'm curious if any other people pleasers have a disproportionate number of friends that are only children? They flock to me. And if my friends aren't only children they have a 6+ year age gap with their siblings so they're like half-only children

Regarding the manipulation point, I suppose I think of it more like having an accent: just an inevitable product of how you were raised.

But I agree that it's a trait that we develop almost like a survival mechanism, so in that way you could say it's self-interest driving it. We don't want to accept the consequences of voicing an opinion knowing it either won't be heard and therefore reinforce our feelings of worthlessness or will be met with anger, violence or some other negative consequence.

This is an interesting thread. My partner would say that I let my friend walk all over me because I cannot say no to her. But how do you actually say no when there is no valid reason other than 'because I don't want to' :

Friend: ''can you take my kids to school for me today' as I have to be in work early''
Situation: I am going to the same school with my DC at the same time and I have room in my car BUT friend's DC is totally horrible to my DC (who is younger. It means I cannot leave my DC alone with the other child which makes it difficult for me getting ready for the school run/work) and a runner.
Me: (in my head)''NO'' but to my friend ''OK''. Silently not telling her now bad her DC is at mine/with my DC.

Friend: ''can you pick up £5 item from shop for me seeing as you are going anyways and then we are meeting up later on''
Situation: This feels like the millionth time I have done this for my friend. She would pick up bits for me (but I v rarely ask her, if ever) and waiver the £5. She then expects me to waver the £5 too for her, but because I pick up the odd £5 things from the shop for her a lot, it then all adds up. But she thinks I'm tight/being off if I ask for the money.
Me: (in my head)''NO'' but to my friend ''OK - anything else you need?''

chatchatrabbitrabbit

In the first case: "No. I'm not able to do that."

The only appropriate response from her is, "OK. No worries" or similar. if she pushes it, wants to know why etc "I dont have to explain myself. It just doesn't work for me" or actually just explain why! If she is rude or pushy, then she isn't your friend and is using you.

In the second case, just don't tell her you're going to the shop...

@chatchatrabbitrabbit what I genuinely can't fathom about posts like yours is that you will allow a situation where you're on guard against your child being treat badly.

I wouldn't have a child that mistreated MY child near my house, like most mothers.

I'm too protective of them.
But your people pleasing means you put yourself ahead of your child.

Thats why I wouldn't want to be friends with most people pleasers, because I don't find them to be people you can depend on.

I find that their priority is themselves and putting what feels best for them, first, even ahead of their own child.

What is easier in the moment for them.

Sadly they attract users because users realise their lack of boundaries are there for the exploiting.

You are putting a user ahead of your own child.
Her child is unkind to yours but you still put her and her child ahead of your own child.

I just don't get that.

If you continue to put other people and their children ahead of your own, your son will know this.
His life will be filled with the users and their children that will be attracted to you.
Not real friends, just users.

Think about who is your real priority here, whose feelings are you most concerned about protecting.

It's yourself.

Also if my partner was telling me I was being used, I respect him enough to do something about it.

Again you are putting yourself first.

I don't mean to be harsh, I am just giving you an alternate view on how a lot of people view people pleasers and avoid them as a result.

billy1966

It does sound harsh but I agree.

IME, people pleasers are unreliable, untrustworthy and disloyal because they completely lack boundaries and so can't say "no" even if not doing so will hurt those closest to them.

They often see it as a virtue - but it's one of the least attractive qualities in my eyes and one of the biggest red flags when it comes to friendships and relationships.

Bizarrely, I sometimes find myself wishing I had more patience or self control in the face of provocation. I think there can be a real power in smiling your way through unpleasantness, especially when it’s a one off situation involving a stranger you are unlikely to see again, e.g. a stranger is rude to you in public. I remember someone full on shouting at me for walking on a path in the park with a friend (my baby was in the pram), claiming there wasn’t room for them to walk past (there was). I wish I’d been more cerebral but I shouted back (I was hormonal and sleep deprived).

I think there’s a balance to be struck. It all seems quite fact dependent though, so it’s hard for me to see any rules or general principles.

@GreyCarpet

100% agree with you.

I met a few that seemed nice but I found them stressful to be around...there was always someone using/imposing on them and I didn't want to listen to it, so I avoided them.

What I will also say is that menopause produces a LOT of people pleasers in recovery.

They wake up, maybe do some reading, experience hormonal imbalances that they cant control, take a hard honest look at themselves and say a loud WTF have I been doing?

HUGE light bulb moment.

It can be life changing for them as they pick off family and friends that are users rather than supporters.

They then often make a new better type of friend whilst in recovery.
They are often very honest about how they were, their regrets and their huge relief at the freedom that shaking off the shackles of people pleasing!

Without exception they wish they had realised this stuff earlier, as a lot of us often do about tough life lessons🤷🏻‍♀️

Testosterone kicks in . They start thinking more like men and start putting themselves first . It happened to me , an epiphany. Now it's me first .

I would find the first situation hard to say no to but I wouldn't find it hard to correct a naughty child's behaviour. If you can't say no to your friend can you not just be firm with the mean kid so that they are nice to your child?