Chronic people pleaser

[WaterBaby9]

I am an absolute pushover and people pleaser. I want to always keep the peace no matter how badly ive been wronged. I never stand up for myself even when inside im bursting. The very few times i have, i end up apologising even when i shouldnt. Im always scared of looking like hassle or a headache. Like, someone could beat me up and ill apologise for bleeding and clean it up. Whats wrong with me?

I dont know the root causes but can therapy address these things? Is it expensive? How do i find one? How do i even start talking about this, its embarassing. I also think id feel better having it over the phone.

It also leaks over when im in a relationship, im deep down insecure but i cant express my wants so i act nonchalant when im screaming inside. Id never question why they are 4 hours late or sat in the car talking on the phone for 30minutes or eyeing up a woman next to us, or that im upset a friend forgot my birthday or cancelled plans without fair notice. I bottle up everything and say oh well. Ive accepted an affair and disgusting treatment because i want to be easy and dont want to cause them headache even when they actively do it to me. I have endless forgiveness for everyone when they dont deserve it. Why? I gain fuck all out of this and tbh im starting to get down about it. Someone upset me the other day and i sat and smiled for an hour and went home and cried instead of saying 'hey, xyz' I clam up and get scared when my friends tell their partners what on their mind and think omg dont he's going to dump you.

What tends to be the root cause of this ?

Lots of good advice here OP.

I have been fairly unable to think about anything else than this today. One of those where I realise a whole facet of my personality is actually really unattractive. Where I thought I was being kind and thoughtful it's based on others opinions of me.
I always thought I was treating others as I would like to be treated but I am not sure this is it.
It's def been eye opening.
I feel pretty shit tonight that's for sure

Don't take it to heart. I'm a people pleaser too & object to being told it's manipulative behaviour. Surely it's only manipulative if you are intentionally doing it for your personal gain? Doing something because it was programmed into you from a young age, then unconsciously reacting to that & behaving accordingly isn't manipulative? I certainly don't intend to manipulate anyone, more putting my needs last as I was taught to by my parents

Surely it's only manipulative if you are intentionally doing it for your personal gain?

The personal.gain bit is being reassured people will think positively of you; being reassured that you are a good person and that you are doing the better and virtuous thing.

It's controlling the narrative through dishonesty. Not giving other people the opportunity to make informed choices because people pleasing is inherently dishonest.

But I don't do it on purpose or consciously! I've never once thought oh I'll manipulate Sharon in acounts into thinking I'm a nice person so I can get xyz. My brain doesn't work like that

It doesn't have to be something you're consciously doing. You're not letting Sharon in accounts see the real you/ know your real opinions/ as you want her to see you as "nice". Which is manipulative and not allowing her an authentic interaction. Sharon from accounts will think "oh she just says yes to everything, I never know what she really thinks."

This is why therapy can be helpful as it's eye opening. While you secretly think its a "good" thing to not have boundaries/value yourself/authenticity it won't change. But controlling others is really difficult behaviour to be around, even if you don't mean it.

Many people don't "mean" to be controlling/whatever but it doesn't change the behaviour.

This is really interesting @What3words It’s probably the most useful insight into it I’ve heard. (If a little uncomfortable to think about) I’m going to have to consider this more.

So many people say ‘just don’t care what others think’ or ‘why would you care?’ But this is so unhelpful because I do care and I can’t stop it. However, having a new way of framing it is really helpful. Thank you.

What I don’t get, is why upsetting someone or annoying them can make me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

One of the things I found helpful was thinking of stopping "mind reading" (ie if I say x they will think y) as we never really know what others think and acting as if we are mind readers will be destructive for us in the long run!

Also from the self-compassion book - the idea that we are human and humans are imperfect. We can't expect perfectionism of ourselves/to never make a mistake/ who do we think we are?! Jesus?!

If we treat ourselves as we would a close friend - would we blame them of they said something we had a different opinion on, or if they screwed up? No we'd love and accept them.... so Learning to do this for ourselves.

Honestly life is so much free-er and more authentic when we stop playing mind games with people in our head and are real.

*Safe - I'm guessing childhood trauma/learned responses? It's a coping mechanism that works to protect you in trauma but is maladaptive for real life so needs to be unlearnt.

Either by gently trying and each time realising the world doesn't collapse. Or by watching friends make mistakes/have a disagreement and realise their life doesn't collapse/you don't judge them.

Or by therapy to explore it all. (Free iapt is available in the NHS but waiting lists are long.)

Or the self compassion book really is fantastic to work through

Yes, there was a lot of challenges while young. Not to the extent of alcoholism or violence but emotions, specifically anger or upset, were mocked. Really belittled and laughed at. I know that is not healthy for a small child.

Can you link the compassion book please?

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive https://amzn.eu/d/7JIesLj

Also, I try to remember what I would tell my kids if they disagreed with someone. I would NEVER tell them just to go along with it and not speak up. And I really admire people who are assertive but in a way that doesn’t just make them a twat. So I know what I would like to be like, but still the feeling of someone being annoyed at me is absolutely crushing.

Does the link work?

Yes thinking how you'd treat your kids helps.

Yes, link works. It’s in my Amazon basket. Will look again tomorrow as it’s late and I’ve had two glasses of wine!

Thanks so much OP for starting this and for everyone who has had helpful points.

But your response is part of the issue. You reject the idea that your people-pleasing isn’t some form of extra-niceness, and that it’s, consciously or unconsciously, manipulative, because it’s designed to produce the desired effect of making people like you/not be irritated by you. And absolutely it’s a script many of us learned very young, but while we should obviously have compassion for our younger selves who learned these unhelpful relationship patterns, we’re still responsible for unpicking them as adults.

Because it’s damaging behaviour, damaging to yourself and your relationships, and it’s ultimately self-defeating. No one really likes or respects a people-pleaser, because they allow people they themselves neither like nor respect to walk all over them. They use services to ‘buy’ approval, and often end up lonely and resentful.

I say this as a recovering people-pleaser, raised by a chronic people-pleaser.

It's not intentional nor consciously done. But it is about making oneself feel better. Its not necessarily done with malicious or intentionally selfish intent. Quite the opposite as is shown by many of the posts on this thread.

But the impact on people around a people pleaser is the same either way.

My brother used to he a terrible people pleaser. He couldn't say no to anyone (result of his upbringing). Which meant that he said yes to everything. Every request for help every invitation. Many of these conflicted with each other so he'd end up letting people down at the last minute (simply because he couldn't be in two or more places at once) which was far worse than if he'd just said no in the first place.

This article on core beliefs might shed some light on why you behave the way you do;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

This really was a great thread with some really relateable experiences (shout out my other fellow pleasers) and such useful advice from certain posters.

Glad so many people found it useful x

So think of it as you aren’t doing those nice things (ie reaching out, apologising etc) because you are nice, you are doing them to get rid of the horrible feeling inside that’s eating you up. So, rather than get rid of the feeling by people pleasing , ie relying on someone else to remove that feeling sit with that awful feeling, recognise it and work through it. As someone has already said, thoughts aren’t facts, feelings aren’t facts.

it’s really hard because you just want that feeling to go away!

Well of course you object as it destroys the narrative you’ve created! It’s control, if I am nice the other person won’t get mad and that means I won’t have to cope with any uncomfortable feelings. Put effort into dealing with and managing the uncomfortable feelings, that’s where the focus needs to be.

Really interesting points made. I am
aldo like what you describe.

It's not manipulative, at least not in my case. In my case it's just a very deeply ingrained habit from childhood as I was the youngest and was always last to be considered for anything. It's very hard to undo a whole childhood of having your needs deprioritised.

I hear you - and agree about it coming from your needs being deprioritized. Bit it is still super manipulative. You're wanting to control the situation - to do anything for them to like you/to not cause conflict.

The ingrained-mess is why it is so hard to both see and to break.