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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissistic Mother - new flying monkey

135 replies

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:08

My narcissistic mother has upped her game and I am at a loss on how to respond!

My mum’s tactic since I was a child was to tell me how amazing everyone else is - the unspoken implication being I don’t measure up. She would wax lyrical about how clever and successful and thin and beautiful everyone else was. I used to react by trying to get her to acknowledge my accomplishments- and I now see this is what she wanted, me trying to justify myself. So I have stopped.

for years I have heard about how amazingly accomplished her fiend’s daughter is. What she has achieved and just how unspeakably amazing she is.

yesterday I got an email from her offering me
advice on how I can retrain to her career. My mum told her how impressed I am by her success and how I would love to be just like her. She also offered to mentor me. I replied and thanked her for her kind offer, but explained I love my career and it’s going well so I am not contemplating a change.

she then replied saying she understands it’s daunting and I could be a class room assistant for a few years to build up my confidence before training to be a teacher. She spoke of the lifestyle I could enjoy and how life-changing it could be for me. She said I just need focus and direction- to be honest it was a bit patronising. If she looked me up on LinkedIn - or even just googled me - she would see that I am doing okay.

My mum wants me to have to explain to her that while my mum thinks I am in a dead end crappy job (and implies to everyone how embarrassed she is) - I am actually quite successful. The pay cut for me to become a teacher would be considerable - I wouldn’t be able to cover my mortgage and I have no interest at all in teaching. I have just achieved a big promotion in work that I have been working towards for twenty years. My mum won’t acknowledge this. But she must see my house, car and holidays and know i have a good salary (I am forty and single).

to be clear - I know teaching is a wonderful career for many people it just isn’t for me.

to those with narcissistic mums - any experience of this level of weirdness? Grey rock works with her when I visit - but she is now sending me flying monkeys and I can’t shoot them down😂

OP posts:
Mischance · 15/07/2023 16:12

Just ignore it. You are a grown adult now with your own life to lead and she is of no relevance whatever to you and how you lead your life. I would not even bother to reply.

.... it was a bit patronising is a bit of an understatement. Shake her off; stop minding about what she says; let it wash by you.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/07/2023 16:15

You've replied and politely said no. You don't owe her any other reply.

GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 16:18

Do you want to stay in contact with your mum? She sounds like a total bitch.

Blueroses99 · 15/07/2023 16:19

I don’t think people become teachers for the ‘lifestyle’, what does she think is so appealing? Ignore ignore ignore. You’re doing great on your own path.

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:19

I think my mum has pumped her up - told her she is just amazing and that I am just useless!

i have tapped out a few response to the latest email but anything I say sounds like I think I am too good to be a teacher! Years of walking on eggshells round my mother has made me oversensitive!

so yes - I probably will just leave it.

OP posts:
Fantina · 15/07/2023 16:23

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

It is the only way to deal with their nonsense.

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:23

Blueroses99 · 15/07/2023 16:19

I don’t think people become teachers for the ‘lifestyle’, what does she think is so appealing? Ignore ignore ignore. You’re doing great on your own path.

I assume my mum has told her I am not using my degree (strictly speaking I am not working int he specific area of my degree) and has probably implied I earn minimum wage. She will have told this woman she would love me to have a lovely life like she does - so I assume by lifestyle she means financial!

it’s odd

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2023 16:23

anything I say sounds like I think I am too good to be a teacher!

maybe she’ll get the message that way.Grin

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 15/07/2023 16:24

One more reply should you need it would be go be blunt

I don't know what my mother has told you about me, I can only imagine the tale of woe. I don't need or want to retrain and, to be absolutely frank, wouldn't want to take the salary hit. Please take whatever she tells you with a large pinch of salt.

Then block her, and your mother.

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:25

I had managed it well in the last few years by just listening and not commenting or arguing. I don’t share much about my life and she doesn’t ask.

She knows a lot more about her friends children than she knows about me. I don’t know this teacher woman well, but I know every intimate detail about her life!!

this getting them to contact me to tell me they think they are better than me is new😂😂😂

OP posts:
Peachops · 15/07/2023 16:25

I would cut off, don't need a cancer in your life.

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/07/2023 16:32

I agree with Peachops. My DC's are adults, one went NC with their dad, the other didn't. The one that didn't has problems all the time, she is always trying to get his love. It will never happen. He treats her like shit, and nothing will ever change.
NC all the way.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/07/2023 16:33

Reply and say something like ‘Thanks so much for your time but my mum has got completely the wrong end of the stick about my career and how I feel about it! I think she herself would have loved to be a teacher and she’s getting a bit muddled. I adore my career, feel fulfilled and it’s very well paid! I’m happy you’re also really satisfied being a teacher - so we are both in the fields which are great for us! If you ever feel interested in retraining in my field drop me a line too :-)’

Clingymcclang · 15/07/2023 16:39

Whatever you decide to do, remember to give yourself a warm hug for getting this far and functioning so well when you were raised by a mother like this. It’s no mean feat.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/07/2023 16:40

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 15/07/2023 16:24

One more reply should you need it would be go be blunt

I don't know what my mother has told you about me, I can only imagine the tale of woe. I don't need or want to retrain and, to be absolutely frank, wouldn't want to take the salary hit. Please take whatever she tells you with a large pinch of salt.

Then block her, and your mother.

This a perfect reply , i would certainly let her know i don't need any advice before i then ignore anything else she may 'advise' ,but then i would be focusing on my mother ! i'm not sure how but i imagine how she must make you feel.

AlisonDonut · 15/07/2023 16:41

I wouldn't be able to resist a response.

'Many thanks for your original email. I have already responded trying to tell you I'm not interested in retraining, and have no idea why you decided to email me.

Just to be clear, I have no interest in taking a huge pay cut, to retrain for a random job that I have expressed no desire to do.

Thanks

OP'

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:41

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/07/2023 16:32

I agree with Peachops. My DC's are adults, one went NC with their dad, the other didn't. The one that didn't has problems all the time, she is always trying to get his love. It will never happen. He treats her like shit, and nothing will ever change.
NC all the way.

It’s hard! I am forty and it still hurts. I have had counselling about this - I understand my mum will never change. But part of me in clinging on for that moment when she looks at me and says I am good enough.

I thought I was on top of things until this email! She can still hurt me.

I do feel sorry for the innocent bystander brought into this. And I dread to think how my my mum will escalate this - she wants a reaction that I refuse to give.

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 16:47

Keep it simple, "Sounds great, but I just couldn't afford the pay cut sadly."

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:48

Clingymcclang · 15/07/2023 16:39

Whatever you decide to do, remember to give yourself a warm hug for getting this far and functioning so well when you were raised by a mother like this. It’s no mean feat.

Thank you - that made me cry a little🥰.

it is sad for her too. She must constantly feel inferior to everyone.

if I am honest I did hope that she was just negative to my face but actually boasted about me behind my back!! Apparently not.

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 15/07/2023 16:51

Your mum has clearly built up quite the picture for this poor woman. It must be so wearing, sad and disappointing for you that she can’t see what a great daughter she has.

Some great replies above. I’d say similar, along the line of Samphire or Atrocious’s suggestions. The woman has clearly been told you’re nervous about career change, desperate to be mentored by her but shy. Good luck.

Allmyghosts · 15/07/2023 16:55

Agree with @Clingymcclang , you have done well to recognise and process the dynamic. Just ignore ignore ignore. It must be torture being in their heads.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 16:55

Short, sharp and polite.

My mother is labouring under the misapprehension that I am in a dead-end job. I'm not. Congratulations on your teaching career but it's not a path I am interested in emulating, not least because it would represent a significant reduction in salary for me.

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 17:00

You are all correct - I need to be blunt.

My mum doesn’t seem to get that she embarrasses other people too with this shit.

OP posts:
Smoothiecarton · 15/07/2023 17:00

yes I like @Silvereds reply above.

ZenNudist · 15/07/2023 17:01

I think the woman in question is probably, if we look at her positively, trying to help.

The tale of woe email reply was perfect.

You could say "I don't lack confidence, I just don't want to teach. It's great for you that you are happy with it but its not my cup of tea. I am settled, happy and doing well with the career I'm in. Thanks for your interest."

That way you don't need to punch down about your better salary.