Narcissistic Mother - new flying monkey

[jennyjones198080]

My narcissistic mother has upped her game and I am at a loss on how to respond!

My mum’s tactic since I was a child was to tell me how amazing everyone else is - the unspoken implication being I don’t measure up. She would wax lyrical about how clever and successful and thin and beautiful everyone else was. I used to react by trying to get her to acknowledge my accomplishments- and I now see this is what she wanted, me trying to justify myself. So I have stopped.

for years I have heard about how amazingly accomplished her fiend’s daughter is. What she has achieved and just how unspeakably amazing she is.

yesterday I got an email from her offering me
advice on how I can retrain to her career. My mum told her how impressed I am by her success and how I would love to be just like her. She also offered to mentor me. I replied and thanked her for her kind offer, but explained I love my career and it’s going well so I am not contemplating a change.

she then replied saying she understands it’s daunting and I could be a class room assistant for a few years to build up my confidence before training to be a teacher. She spoke of the lifestyle I could enjoy and how life-changing it could be for me. She said I just need focus and direction- to be honest it was a bit patronising. If she looked me up on LinkedIn - or even just googled me - she would see that I am doing okay.

My mum wants me to have to explain to her that while my mum thinks I am in a dead end crappy job (and implies to everyone how embarrassed she is) - I am actually quite successful. The pay cut for me to become a teacher would be considerable - I wouldn’t be able to cover my mortgage and I have no interest at all in teaching. I have just achieved a big promotion in work that I have been working towards for twenty years. My mum won’t acknowledge this. But she must see my house, car and holidays and know i have a good salary (I am forty and single).

to be clear - I know teaching is a wonderful career for many people it just isn’t for me.

to those with narcissistic mums - any experience of this level of weirdness? Grey rock works with her when I visit - but she is now sending me flying monkeys and I can’t shoot them down😂

You're a better woman than me. The last reply would have tipped me towards something like...

"My mother will always be disappointed, it's who she is. I've long accepted that and have no intention of taking a £XXK paycut away from a job I love in a fools mission to ease her disappointment.

It wouldn't work and would make me unhappy.

Maybe my mother would like to train to be a teacher? "

I would do this, but I'm a blunt person!

😂 part of me would love to go back with some of the replies on here.

but my mum would love it! This is what she wants - she would Spin it to her friends that I am rude. She would tell me she was only
trying to help me and I threw it back in her face. She would cry.

it would be evidence to her friends that I am
indeed a problem.

Her friends are clearly twits. Who cares what they think anyway?

If she emails you again it would be very tempting to tell her you've concerned for your mother's health as you have noticed she get very confused and it's been going on for a while and getting worse.

Have you thought about going no contact with your mother?

The flying monkey is a knob and honestly I wouldn’t give it another thought.

Your reply was the worst thing you could've said! It feeds into the narrative your mum has created that you're just a 'loser' who can’t be bothered. Whereas if you'd said something along the lines of how being a Teacher would be a significant pay cut, then she might've got it....

Also, she does realise how old you are, doesn't she?! I mean, is there a chance she thinks you're in your 20s and stacking shelves?!

I just don't understand why you put up with this. I have a cousin who has has a very similar relationship with her mother through the years (aunt is bipolar) and like you cousin is successful, a grownup women who anyone would be proud of to have as a dd yet aunt continues to put her down. I always challenge it if she says anything negative about my cousin infront of me as does my mum and other aunt. My cousin still at 42 is looking for some kind of acceptance or acknowledgement from her mum, similar to you.

Again, I don't get it . Why won't you cut her off? I'd go nc if my mum ever behaved like this with me. I'd challenge her at every turn. Why keep putting up with her narc behaviour? Leave her to it and live your own life happily. You won't ever get from her what you are looking for.

I think your response was neat and to the point demonstrating that you don't want to engage in any drama.

OP I understand why you didn't want to refer to the salary however tempting it might have been.

You describe how you've felt ashamed previously when you've engaged- as if by getting sucked in you have sullied yourself. You have correctly identified that this is exactly what your mother wants.

From reading these type of threads over the years I suspect that my own mother is also a narc. My sister has been NC for many years and I am LC.

After many years of anguish I no longer care about her or what she thinks of me. She has dementia now and is in a care home so her powers of manipulation have dwindled. I remember a phone call a year or so ago where she was insisting how much she loved me and I replied that it didn't feel like love the way she treated me. She was quite taken aback.

I recently had messages from a friend of hers who I have just realised is exactly a flying monkey! Saying how disgusted she and others were in my sister and I. I told her I would be blocking her and did so.

I'm sorry your mum is like this. As my sister said "why can't we just have a lovely mum?".

Anyway it sounds as if you have your head screwed on and are successful. Going NC or as low as you can manage would be best for you. I understand how it messes with your head.

jennyjones

The best response you can give a narcissist mother and her flying monkeys is no response. That door of communication should stay shut. A response is also what your mother wants, to her that is the reward. The flying monkey is usually a well meaning but an easily manipulated person sent in by the narcissist to do their dirty work for them. This person also has their own agenda and not your best interests at heart so their opinion should be ignored too.

You do realise it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and narcissist mothers are deplorably bad parents too. You have received the Special Training from early childhood though and you hope perhaps that she will change and become a better person. She will not. This is who she really is, a woman who cannot do relationships at all.

You likely want and seek her approval even now but you do not need that and she would never give you
this anyway.

This.

It's really weird that this woman even decided to email you in the first place . If someone's mother told me to email her daughter about a career change I would recognise that this was her interfering probably unasked and wouldn't do it!
Sorry your mother is like this.

Yes OP, be aware people like your mother can often encourage people like themselves. Your mums friend who emailed you seems to be of the opinion she knows what’s best for you without bothering with a conversation. This suggests she’s similar to your mum personality wise. Block away.

Tbh, I wouldn’t feed any narcissist project
simply block the sender of the email. She has nowt to do with you, only your mum. You don’t need to have any communication with her. you do not owe her any further explanation to be kind or nice.

let your mum do any explaining she wants if the teacher asks why she’s blocked- it doesn’t matter if your mum feeds her another pack of lies, whatever you do or respond will result in that anyway

I think you are right not to reply to the final (really fucking rude) message but why on earth are you not NC with your mum? She’s poison. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her.

Echoing pp- why do you still have contact with your dear mother? She doesn’t make you happy, have a purpose or bring you joy.

A few reasons. I have been in a lot of coin selling over the last five years and have realised it’s not me who is a disappointment - the issue is my mum not me.

I suppose it’s like the frog in boiling ware - I have gotten used to a lot of the little stings and have built up a higher tolerance.

I now see I missed out on a lot b coast she had really damaged my self confidence and my counsellor helped me look at myself and my childhood differently.

if I go no communication now I would also be cutting off my dad. Who yea has ignored and facilitated a lot of this - but who is now elderly.

I aM lower communication than I once was. And years ago I would have been very distressed by this and would have rung my mum to see why the woman thinks I am a failure! Mum would have loved that.

This lady is a couple of years younger than me, so late thirties.

I understand now.

A generalisation but I find a lot of older women have little experience of the range of careers and work in the 2020s.

My mother did a low paid job after leaving school young with no qualifications and has little comprehension of the modern world of work.

I've also spent years explaining examples of my success and been called a braggart for it. I give up!

It maybe the case that your mother is equally as dim about the world and can only register a few jobs with well known job titles like teacher in her narrow experience.

I sort of understand this in my mother, her restricted knowledge of life is because she's a woman who lived in far more restricted times for women and is therefore completely nonplussed about my life.

She doesn't like what she doesn't understand, it makes her nervous to be a fish out of water so criticism is her go to response. She also uses flying monkeys to belittle me, my brothers new girlfriend started repeating mum's 1950s nonsense at me and is now blocked on my phone as a result.

Some people get stuck in their generation and don't understand much beyond that.

Just my thoughts. It's very difficult to deal with though!

I wish I could explain this away as my mum not understanding careers! She worked until about five years ago - and was a senior secretary to people in similar roles to the job I currently do. She fully understands how large corporations work and the levels of seniority in them. I am not in tech or anything new. It’s a traditional senior role with a big office, secretary, large team of reports etc etc.

Part of it is sexism - I have a male secretary and she is just horrified by that so she pretends it isn’t happening. she fully understands the careers of others - just not me😊.

Ah okay. She's just attempting to assert her position as your superior.

I would have to reply "Yes, quite probably. What you do sounds great, but I couldn't afford the pay drop even if I wanted to!"

I would have to reply that I wouldn't want to take such a demotion and salary hit from my senior-level job...

You're a much nicer person than me!

@OhamIreally I'm so sorry to read that but I hope you are doing better.

Love isn't FOG, fear, guilt, and obligation

While there are some truly wonderful mothers out there, there are some that just aren't like that.

To the OP, someone told me that N mum will not suddenly slap herself on the head and realise her ways have been hurting you.

Also, perhaps accepting that you may never like her, and going by that, why do you need a validation from someone who hurt continually. Even if you somehow got it, you wouldn't want it

No idea about flying monkeys but don't isolate yourself. Anyone she recommends probably isn't right for you anyway, as that would put you in a position where she would wield more power over you

Hugs OP, you deserve better xx