Narcissistic Mother - new flying monkey

[jennyjones198080]

My narcissistic mother has upped her game and I am at a loss on how to respond!

My mum’s tactic since I was a child was to tell me how amazing everyone else is - the unspoken implication being I don’t measure up. She would wax lyrical about how clever and successful and thin and beautiful everyone else was. I used to react by trying to get her to acknowledge my accomplishments- and I now see this is what she wanted, me trying to justify myself. So I have stopped.

for years I have heard about how amazingly accomplished her fiend’s daughter is. What she has achieved and just how unspeakably amazing she is.

yesterday I got an email from her offering me
advice on how I can retrain to her career. My mum told her how impressed I am by her success and how I would love to be just like her. She also offered to mentor me. I replied and thanked her for her kind offer, but explained I love my career and it’s going well so I am not contemplating a change.

she then replied saying she understands it’s daunting and I could be a class room assistant for a few years to build up my confidence before training to be a teacher. She spoke of the lifestyle I could enjoy and how life-changing it could be for me. She said I just need focus and direction- to be honest it was a bit patronising. If she looked me up on LinkedIn - or even just googled me - she would see that I am doing okay.

My mum wants me to have to explain to her that while my mum thinks I am in a dead end crappy job (and implies to everyone how embarrassed she is) - I am actually quite successful. The pay cut for me to become a teacher would be considerable - I wouldn’t be able to cover my mortgage and I have no interest at all in teaching. I have just achieved a big promotion in work that I have been working towards for twenty years. My mum won’t acknowledge this. But she must see my house, car and holidays and know i have a good salary (I am forty and single).

to be clear - I know teaching is a wonderful career for many people it just isn’t for me.

to those with narcissistic mums - any experience of this level of weirdness? Grey rock works with her when I visit - but she is now sending me flying monkeys and I can’t shoot them down😂

You're still letting your Mums opinions control you.

If this woman contacts you again, your response needs to be "Thanks, but my Mum has fed you a pack of lies. The person you're trying to help doesn't exist. I love my current job and wouldn't want to be a teacher, let alone deal with the pay cut. My mum is batshit, I'm sorry she's roped you into this"

This woman may take offence, that doesn't matter. Your mum may love the drama, that doesn't matter. She may spin it to all her friends that you're a rude and ungrateful daughter. That also doesn't matter. None of these people's opinions of you matter, only your own does. And the best way to build a high opinion of yourself is to assert it loudly to anyone who is trying to bring you down.

This might be a ridiculous thought but I'm wondering if your mum sent those emails.

The tone, the rudeness, the obsession with your mum, it's weird. Less weird if you imagine it's your mum writing.

I am pretty sure they weren’t from my mum. Although I know my mum was the puppet master behind them.

My mum is great fun to others - larger than life, gregarious, dramatic. This women will love her - I have seen my mum do this. She shines a spotlight on people - acts like she is in awe of them, deeply impressed by their achievements, intimated by their success. People can get a real buzz from being round her.

This women will have wanted to please mum, to help her out. She will have been given a real ego boost. Mum might even have gotten tearful when talking about me - I have heard her tell her friends she is so jealous of the success their children have achieved!

it’s really very strange.

Oof.. total narc. Familiar stuff to me this, delightful isn't it! I bet you're ace OP.

And why does the opinion of others matter? - they think she’s ok therefore are bad judges of character.

stop giving a shit about her, her stupid games, her dumbarse friends or anything other than what makes YOU happy

What other people think of you is none of your business, OP. Let them crack on: who gives a stuff what they think? The only way to win at stupid games like these is not to play.

You are right not make no further response to the presumptuous teacher, except to block all communication from her.

That is a response in itself.

You are right to make no further response, sorry!

So true. And such a relief.

I would truly try to stop expecting any recognition from her. I did the same thing and finally cut her off when I was late 40s.

It hurts because you still value what she says and want her to validate you.

Sadly, she never ever will.

My mother is now deceased so I don't have to hear her nasty comments ever again.

She used to called me a temp worker and I have multiple degrees, many patents, a successful company.

She stopped working after she met my dad and the truth is, I believe she never much liked being a parent and was jealous of her own children's successes. She demeaned all of us in that way.

I wouldn't bother responding to the flying monkey. You don't have to JADE anything to anyone.

Just ignore and if in person, just change the topic to something very mundane.

Them. Oh blah blah is the greatest teacher of all time and too bad you aren't a teacher.

Mum. I'm the greatest teacher in the universe! Be like me me me!!

You. Did you see chicken was on sale at Tesco? Launch into the most boring story about chicken.

When your mum (inevitably) contacts you about this… “Have you heard from *Susan lately?” Just be flippant so she has no idea that she got to you.
“Yeah! The weirdest thing! She seemed to be totally obsessed with me retraining to be a teacher…. As if I’d retrain to earn 1/4 of what I’m on now and have to put up with kids and their parents and aaaaaall their issues! I told her thanks, but I wasn’t interested. Perhaps the group she retrained with are offering a discount. It was like she’d joined an MLM or something!”