Narcissistic Mother - new flying monkey

[jennyjones198080]

My narcissistic mother has upped her game and I am at a loss on how to respond!

My mum’s tactic since I was a child was to tell me how amazing everyone else is - the unspoken implication being I don’t measure up. She would wax lyrical about how clever and successful and thin and beautiful everyone else was. I used to react by trying to get her to acknowledge my accomplishments- and I now see this is what she wanted, me trying to justify myself. So I have stopped.

for years I have heard about how amazingly accomplished her fiend’s daughter is. What she has achieved and just how unspeakably amazing she is.

yesterday I got an email from her offering me
advice on how I can retrain to her career. My mum told her how impressed I am by her success and how I would love to be just like her. She also offered to mentor me. I replied and thanked her for her kind offer, but explained I love my career and it’s going well so I am not contemplating a change.

she then replied saying she understands it’s daunting and I could be a class room assistant for a few years to build up my confidence before training to be a teacher. She spoke of the lifestyle I could enjoy and how life-changing it could be for me. She said I just need focus and direction- to be honest it was a bit patronising. If she looked me up on LinkedIn - or even just googled me - she would see that I am doing okay.

My mum wants me to have to explain to her that while my mum thinks I am in a dead end crappy job (and implies to everyone how embarrassed she is) - I am actually quite successful. The pay cut for me to become a teacher would be considerable - I wouldn’t be able to cover my mortgage and I have no interest at all in teaching. I have just achieved a big promotion in work that I have been working towards for twenty years. My mum won’t acknowledge this. But she must see my house, car and holidays and know i have a good salary (I am forty and single).

to be clear - I know teaching is a wonderful career for many people it just isn’t for me.

to those with narcissistic mums - any experience of this level of weirdness? Grey rock works with her when I visit - but she is now sending me flying monkeys and I can’t shoot them down😂

Agree with @GardeningIdiot ’s short email.

for Your mum, you don’t have to have her in your life.

It’s probably a really screwy way to get your attention and draw you back under her control. That’s really sad for her, and has absolutely nothing to do with what job you do or who you are. But I know, it really bloody hurts sometimes. Hugs.

It's an easy thing to say when you've gone through the falling in love with a narcissistic personality then eventually going through the hellish break up but it's much harder for children, they love that person and don't just fall out of love with them or break up when they see the gaslight. My DC are in this same position and I feel so guilty because I walked away from the whole narcissistic family while part of them remains. 1 is very matter of fact about narc F and the other gets emotionally destroyed by rejection. It's a shit, difficult situation.

I'd just add her on LinkedIn and not reply..

😂 I did look her up but she isn’t on it!

I would absolutely reply, explain you don’t understand where this has come from as you have a very fulfilling career and you are not interested in taking a significant pay cut to because a teacher, there is nothing daunting about it you are simply not interested.

Fuck what it makes you look like. This is how your narc mum gets away with things. I no longer care if I look bad I don’t play my narc mothers games, I’m completely NC and I know she makes me look bad to others but I’m beyond caring, I simply say I’m not interested and either change the subject or walk away.

Be non comital. 'You raise some interesting points', or 'thanks for the information, I will be in touch if I wish to take anything further'. Or just 'noted'. Then ignore.

Do NOT mention your Mum in your reply - don't feed her. Just something simple like 'Thank you for your kind offer but teaching isn't something I'm interested in.'

Shortest of replies to this second email - or no reply (the disregard of you first reply and the decent into being patronising could justify that).

I don't want to become a teacher Barbara - and I never have. Sorry about the wasted time. Take Care, Jenny.

I would distance yourself further and completely stop sharing any information about your life with your mother. DH's dad has been very similar with him - whatever he did he would always try to mention anyone at all he knew had achieved something 'better' (even if it quite obviously wasn't). He doesn't bother telling his dad anything now - grey rock all the way and as little contact as possible, and it has really helped.

💐

Omg just reply what you said here 'thank you so much, I love my career and as I'd have to take a pay cut to become a teacher it wouldn't make financial sense. Very kind of you to think of me'

Cheeky cow speaking down to you

I think Holly60’s message great. It’s truthful, to the point and polite.

That's insane. Reply again saying 'I'm not sure what my mother has told you but I'm more than happy and have no interest in a career change, thanks for thinking of me though!'

DH's dad has been very similar with him - whatever he did he would always try to mention anyone at all he knew had achieved something 'better' (even if it quite obviously wasn't

that is my mum exactly!! I don’t understand why she just can’t say well done!

It’s like being stuck in a bad comedy - she will say awful things but say she is joking. Like at a family wedding - pointing at me and saying ‘this one will never get her self a man so I may as well enjoy today - no other weddings in my future.’

or telling people my cat is the nearest she will get to grandchildren - queue laughter from everyone.

or - she’s married to her career - pity she picked a dud.

it’s exhausting and I only recently stopped putting myself down constantly in public. An older man started working for me and he came into my office one day and told me that everyone in our company though I was amazing and the only person who didn’t agree was me.

Email the woman back saying, so glad you’re doing well and it’s nice to hear from her. But wow, you can’t believe your mum has been up to her old tricks again- must be her age- as you’re actually really happy in your career and have no interest in re training as anything else.
Say thanks again and apologise on your mum’s behalf for wasting her time!
And make sure to CC your dear mother 🙃

"I really have no idea where my mum has got the idea that I'm dying to become a teacher - she must have got the wrong end of the stick! It's very kind of you to offer help and encouragement but I'm actually very happy in my job and have just achieved a career milestone so I'm all set. Thanks again."

My mum does this kind of mad shit too. She talks absolute lies about me. Apparently I'm mentally unstable, suicidal, can't cope with the outside world etc. She tells lies to strangers, gets their sympathy, who then pity me/ look down on me. She is completely inappropriate and manipulative. Gaslighted me my entire life.

It's this type of abuse which unless it's happened to you sounds made up because surely no mother would belittle and undermine their own daughter day in day out for years..!

It leaves you in a fairly impossible position with the "well meaning do gooders" who have been sucked in by mum's lies and then head tilt and patronise you and just want to punch them in the face but of course they have no idea the depths of absolute bollocks they've been fed 🙄

..ahem.

Solidarity OP you sound awesome.

OP, I could have written your post, my mother is capable of this level of weirdness. I'm the same and however much I try to manage her by not telling her anything about my life (she also never asks), she still meddles and hurts me. I think we're programmed biologically to seek our mother's love but for people like me, it's not available. Mine has always compared me unfavourably to others and it's all so important to her. The part she misses is that no-one apart from her cares.

In your shoes, I would be mindful that this is new drama for your mum and the more aguish and hurt she is causing, the better. She is probably waiting to see your next move and then can 'follow up', all to feed her narcissistic supply. You mentioned in your OP that you'd thanked her flying monkey and indicated that you're not contemplating a career change so effectively it's done. The fact that she then responded with the patronising reply must have been very hurtful but it's best to just leave it if you can. Then block her.

Your mum, if she's anything like mine, will be anticipating the moment when she can ask you if 'Sally has messaged' yet and what she said and what you said. It's the attention and drama she is looking for, all to make her feel more important and central to the proceedings.

I am nearly 60, medically retired, and my mother is still trying to find me jobs! She feels embarrassed that I don't work and what people might think. She will make little digs if I just sell a few bits on eBay, things like 'that could be your new job'. The other day, out of nowhere when we were discussing Wimbledon, she came out with, 'do you think you will go back to [former career]?', I reminded her that I'm medically retired so can't work yet had to defend myself further to remind her she retired at 60. Her response, 'oh I don't really think of people's ages', but I presume she knows how old I am. She's ridiculous but it upset me terribly and I festered for days over this. I am as LC as I can be with her and she still gets to me. Sending hugs as it really hurts.

Oh what a merry dance OP she's leading.

Lots of simple polite replies on here. Just defuse the drama. Move on.

Very sad for you but you're doing great. I'm with that guy in the office. You're amazing.

I would reply, but I wouldnt mention your mum, just saying something, like thanks for the information, but I have no intention of taking a paycut to become a teacher.

Wouldn't apologise either in it, you didnt ask for the information and I also wouldnt feel bad in the position this has put the woman either, you didnt do that, your mum did.

Op you have my full sympathy, in fact your post brought a tear to my eye as my mother is exactly the same. It's so hurtful to listen to her talking about how everyone else is so amazing - and by implication how I fall short. I always come away from her feeling emotionally drained and upset.

So sorry you are going through this too. I agree it sounds mad and no one would believe it.

My mum sees her friends once a month - has done so for forty years and goes on holiday with them every year. I am amazed she has been able to keep up these lies.

I travel to the states regularly with work - and I spent six months setting up an office in Brussels. I have been on the news several times commenting on business issues. Mum clearly has never mentioned any of that. Yet she was able to tell me in detail the conversation this teacher had with her doctor when she was diagnosed with diabetes😂😂😂. It’s insane.

How about:

“Jenny I am sure you did not mean to be rude but I would appreciate it if you would drop this. I am a highly qualified professional and have a successful and well paid career which I enjoy. To be clear I have no interest in a career in teaching and still less as a teaching assistant. Please do not email me about this again”

God, your mum is vile! Personally I couldn't not reply, so I'd send back something along this lines.

Thanks again, but I don't know why my mum's got it into her head I want to be a teacher. It's not a career I've ever expressed an interest and I'd have to take a massive pay cut to be one. I'm sorry she's wasted your time misinforming you.

that is my mum exactly!! I don’t understand why she just can’t say well done!

I know - it is bizarre. I remember vividly the first time FIL did it to DH. I was so shocked I am pretty sure my mouth was wide open due to the circumstances and crassness of it. It also turned out to be a complete lie. He also implies regularly that we don't know what we're talking about/have got it wrong e.g. I'm a dentist (I'm not) and he'll ask me a questions about fillings and when I answer he will tell me that can't be right as his next door neighbour said something different and he had a filling just last week. Fine.

I wouldn't mention a pay cut to be a teacher in your reply for a few reasons - it potentially opens up further discussion about salary and progression (well you may only start on £28K but you could be earning £50K in five years!); you're justifying (don't JADE with flying monkeys!) and you really don't need to; it may come across as slightly spiteful and there really is no need for that.