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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissistic Mother - new flying monkey

135 replies

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 16:08

My narcissistic mother has upped her game and I am at a loss on how to respond!

My mum’s tactic since I was a child was to tell me how amazing everyone else is - the unspoken implication being I don’t measure up. She would wax lyrical about how clever and successful and thin and beautiful everyone else was. I used to react by trying to get her to acknowledge my accomplishments- and I now see this is what she wanted, me trying to justify myself. So I have stopped.

for years I have heard about how amazingly accomplished her fiend’s daughter is. What she has achieved and just how unspeakably amazing she is.

yesterday I got an email from her offering me
advice on how I can retrain to her career. My mum told her how impressed I am by her success and how I would love to be just like her. She also offered to mentor me. I replied and thanked her for her kind offer, but explained I love my career and it’s going well so I am not contemplating a change.

she then replied saying she understands it’s daunting and I could be a class room assistant for a few years to build up my confidence before training to be a teacher. She spoke of the lifestyle I could enjoy and how life-changing it could be for me. She said I just need focus and direction- to be honest it was a bit patronising. If she looked me up on LinkedIn - or even just googled me - she would see that I am doing okay.

My mum wants me to have to explain to her that while my mum thinks I am in a dead end crappy job (and implies to everyone how embarrassed she is) - I am actually quite successful. The pay cut for me to become a teacher would be considerable - I wouldn’t be able to cover my mortgage and I have no interest at all in teaching. I have just achieved a big promotion in work that I have been working towards for twenty years. My mum won’t acknowledge this. But she must see my house, car and holidays and know i have a good salary (I am forty and single).

to be clear - I know teaching is a wonderful career for many people it just isn’t for me.

to those with narcissistic mums - any experience of this level of weirdness? Grey rock works with her when I visit - but she is now sending me flying monkeys and I can’t shoot them down😂

OP posts:
Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 22:41

She has replied

‘Okay, message received. Your mum will be disappointed, but up to you.’

i am trying not to get annoyed. It’s like she is talking to one of her pupils not a forty year old acquaintance!!!

but I will not engage further. It’s done.

OP posts:
whatfreshheck · 15/07/2023 22:45

Cheeky cow!

Katrinawaves · 15/07/2023 22:46

Bloody hell. She is extremely rude! You are way more patient than I am OP. I’d have told her to wind her neck in ages ago.

I can only assume that she is under her own mother’s thumb at age 40 from her reaction. Or that she has a wholly undeserved superiority complex.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/07/2023 22:47

Wow.

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 22:49

I have decided to find it funny!! She is acting like she offered me an amazing job and I turned her down!

it’s Saturday night so she probably had had a couple of glasses of wine.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/07/2023 22:54

As someone who has taught for two decades and enjoys the job, I find it odd that anyone would consider it an amazing job opportunity! This woman sounds strange, along with your Mother.

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 22:55

Why don’t you lay it out for this woman?

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 23:01

sonjadog · 15/07/2023 22:54

As someone who has taught for two decades and enjoys the job, I find it odd that anyone would consider it an amazing job opportunity! This woman sounds strange, along with your Mother.

My mum has told her I really want this I assume. That I would love to be a teacher but just don’t have the confidence/drive/wherewithal to make it happen.

I assume there are people who want to teach - who go to teacher training college who change careers to teaching later in life. who talk to existing teachers to get advice?

My mum has told her I am one of those people. That it would mean I can use my degree and have a profession and a career.

I am assuming all this - my mum hasn’t told me anything about this! She is now lying in wait for me to ask why she set this up.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 15/07/2023 23:01

Why don’t you lay it out for this woman?

Noooooooo!! That's just more drama and angst that will get back to OP's mum. Who will THRIVE off it. !!!!

OP will never hear the end of it. Mum will berate her with it relentlessly.

Let it die in the water.

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 23:02

OK. I don’t have experience of narcs in the family.

sonjadog · 15/07/2023 23:04

I definitely wouldn’t mention it to your Mum. Shrug your shoulders and wander off, putting it down to one of life’s odd moments.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 15/07/2023 23:04

It's your mum and this woman who have made all the (wrong) assumptions, OP. Meanwhile you keep doing your job as it sounds like you're doing it brilliantly. Don't let her derail you. Flowers

Original poster
jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 23:05

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 22:55

Why don’t you lay it out for this woman?

years ago I would have. Years ago I jumped up and down in front of my mother desperate for that pat on the head. I would have explained to her that my job is actually quite good - that I am a big deal in my world - I did the look at me look at me. It just left me feeling ashamed and boastful - while she looked at me as if she was confused.

I will never change my mums opinion of me - and to be honest while part of me
wants to reply to this email - I know I will feel embarrassed/ashamed if I do.

my mum has put me on a twisty emotional
rollercoaster!

OP posts:
nobodysdaughternow · 15/07/2023 23:08

I had a Mother like this. I told her to fuck off and meant it.

Two years of no contact bliss.

Cutting her off took 18 months, a 200 mile move and a name change by deed poll.

Hopefully you and your persecutor can be parted more easily.

nobodysdaughternow · 15/07/2023 23:11

Ahh, don't feel bad for the flying monkey, she isn't an innocent bystander.

I had to tell my Auntie and my Mum's best friend to fuck off too. It was exhausting but gets easier the more you do it.

MzHz · 15/07/2023 23:11

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 22:41

She has replied

‘Okay, message received. Your mum will be disappointed, but up to you.’

i am trying not to get annoyed. It’s like she is talking to one of her pupils not a forty year old acquaintance!!!

but I will not engage further. It’s done.

@jennyjones198080 oh I’d have to reply to that…

“if my mother would be disappointed, perhaps she’s an ideal candidate for the retraining? It would give her something to do that didn’t involve making up complete bollocks about me to others..”

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 23:13

I hope you can get to a point where it doesn’t hurt you or make you feel embarrassed. Her behaviour isn’t a reflection on you.

StaunchMomma · 15/07/2023 23:18

jennyjones198080 · 15/07/2023 22:41

She has replied

‘Okay, message received. Your mum will be disappointed, but up to you.’

i am trying not to get annoyed. It’s like she is talking to one of her pupils not a forty year old acquaintance!!!

but I will not engage further. It’s done.

You're a better woman than me to let this one slide!

What a nasty bitch!!

Who on Earth allows their Mother to dictate their career in this way?!!

I'd be telling the twat that teaching is a step down and to not message you again.

Rude!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/07/2023 23:21

Oh gosh your mum has found a soul mate there lol

Send a link to your linked in profile and ask if she wants to retrain!

Pallisers · 15/07/2023 23:28

You are absolutely right to not reply. But that last reply was dead cheeky to a 40 year old woman.

I'd be very tempted to write back saying "yeah well I'm a bit old to be retraining for my mum lol. As she gets older she sometimes seems to think things that aren't really true - you know how it is. By the way if you ever want advice on how to get into my industry, please reach out. I'd be happy to help"

toochesterdraws · 15/07/2023 23:29

Just reply with "lol" and that should do the trick.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 15/07/2023 23:30

I cmwouldnt be able to stop myself replying and saying that you couldn't afford the financial loss of even a head teacher's salary. Spell it out to the bitch.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/07/2023 23:38

“Dear Beryl,

I have tried being polite, because I hoped you would understand what my mother cannot - that I have a very successful career, which I love, and that I neither want nor need a change of career. I don’t need your ‘encouragement’ or your condescension - I just need you to leave me alone.

Yours,
@jennyjones198080.

GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 23:40

Your mum will have chosen her flying monkey with care, or rather only a certain sort of person would take the bait and run with it. Anyone with good boundaries themselves would not have got involved. They would have seen the red flags in your DM's description of you and your situation. In short, the FM is - by definition - a fuckwit.

Blessedrelief · 15/07/2023 23:55

@jennyjones198080 I could write a book on my mother’s batshit behaviour. She once introduced me as ‘a Lawyer for xxx company’ I did work for xxx company. As the fecking boss. So I replied (in front of her) ‘I’m really sorry, I don’t know why she keeps on doing that. Yes, I have a Law degree. I have never been a Lawyer, but for the record the Lawyer at xxx company actually reports to me.’ That was the end of my ‘legal career’ according to Mother.

It sounds harsh to those who do not have a narc mother, but She’s been dead now for 4 months and I can honestly say, I’ve never been happier. Look after yourself and like the rest of us, feel proud that you’ve become a very successful, fully rounded human being despite the lack of support from the one person who should’ve been your cheerleader. Big hugs.

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