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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wtf???

105 replies

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:29

It's 4am and for a third night I am awake. My DP is also awake and is sat in the other room again.

I don't know where to begin. I left an abusive marriage years ago. Mostly psychological which turned physical on one occasion which was the end of the marriage.

I have been with my DP a few years but we have only recently moved in together. In the last two weeks we have had two massive fights about the same subject. He seems to have become a different person overnight. He is stuck on these thoughts that I have said things I know I have not said. He has literally ripped me apart making all sorts of comments and accusations about me as a person.

He keeps going round in circles, one minute saying he knows he's wrong about what he is saying but then in the next convo bringing it all back up again. He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them. I got to the point last night where I said I am not defending myself anymore. If you don't hear what I'm saying and you really believe your thoughts about me then why are you still here.

Anyway I am feeling like I am losing my mind. Everything I say just gets twisted and used against me and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I phoned a helpline yesterday. I needed a sounding board as I didn't know up from down. The counsellor told me that from what I was describing that she felt I was being gaslighted by my DP. I thought maybe it was in my head due to my past abusive relationship.

I don't know where to turn now. I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much. When I say that it should end due to this he backtracks. I don't have a question to ask really. Just brain dumping here as I can't think straight.

OP posts:
HabberdasheryAddict · 13/07/2023 04:35

What's the setup? How easy would it be to move out/kick him out and disentangle your joint life?

Because this is what I'd do. You cannot reason with someone who is as illogical and unreasonable as you describe.

Original poster
Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:37

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 13/07/2023 04:38

My ex didn't show his true colours till we moved in together. It was about 2 weeks. 17 years I spent wasting my life.

Don't be me.

Original poster
Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:39

It was two weeks after he moved in when it all started.

OP posts:
HabberdasheryAddict · 13/07/2023 04:40

Good that it's your place. Him having nowhere to go is not your problem. House shares are available.

Bearpawk · 13/07/2023 04:41

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:37

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

Absolutely not your problem. He's a grown man he'll survive. Kick the abusive bastard out.

Original poster
Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:42

I am absolutely heart broken.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 13/07/2023 04:45

A perfectly normal response given the circs.

But what would be tragic is not dealing with it. He's shown you who he is.

You can deal with it now or in 17 years but at some point you are going to have to.

HabberdasheryAddict · 13/07/2023 04:46

Life is so much easier and calmer without men who do not care if they break your heart. Ask me how I know...

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/07/2023 05:02

He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them.
This is mental illness. You are not crazy. But you do need to get out of the relationship NOW! Before he develops more illogical realities about you. Listen to the others. Where he goes is not your problem. Protecting yourself is your problem.

TamagochiRegret · 13/07/2023 05:09

End it, his living situation isn't your problem.

Gently, can I suggest that you may benefit from counselling to explore what's going on with your relationships.

Original poster
Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 05:17

TamagochiRegret · 13/07/2023 05:09

End it, his living situation isn't your problem.

Gently, can I suggest that you may benefit from counselling to explore what's going on with your relationships.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after my marriage ended. I had lots of therapy. It was years ago now. I think I need to do again. I developed a really strong mindset which has now disappeared again.

OP posts:
Festoonedflurryfairy · 13/07/2023 05:26

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:37

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

Op please listen…not to be over dramatic but this situation is making my spidery senses feel worried for you.

He’s a grown man who by the sound of it is being very abusive to you or he is having some sort of mental breakdown which is making him abusive.

You are being abused in your own home.

You need to draw an end to this. Right now. It doesn’t matter if his abusive behaviour started 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years after he moved in. His behaviour isn’t acceptable and I understand this is painful because you are devastated but you need to instigate a boundary. A boundary is nothing about the other person btw. It is all about what YOU will tolerate or not.

Where he goes is not your responsibility. He sold his own home willingly you didn’t coerce him in to doing that.

Get back on the phone to that support line and ask for more urgent help.

Go to a solicitor and see what your position is financially etc and if you can legally change the locks.

Gather together any documentation you may need about any joint assets, any joint bank accounts, mortgage, insurance, etc.

Read Lundy Bancroft - Why do men do that

I don’t like the sound of this at all. He is either calculating and deliberately creating a scenario whereby he is trying to get you to leave your own home for his own financial benefit, or he is doing the very things he is falsely accusing you of doing and wants the blame to rest with you, or he realises he has made a big mistake in moving in and wants to make it all your fault and not accept any personal responsibility for his actions.

Do you have any male friends or family members or work colleagues who are preferably physically fit? If so, once you have legal advice, you need to ask him to leave in the presence of other men.

Don’t feel embarrassed. Any balanced decent man faced with a relationship difficulty would not be up for the third night running at 4 am having ripped you apart in an argument. They would be speaking to you decently and calmly about any issue they have during daylight hours. And if they had a real issue they would be the one offering to go to a hotel and instigating a proper discussion after a few days of separation. And all of your discussions would be respectful.

Does your dp not work? How come he is able to be up at 4 am causing this havoc?

Festoonedflurryfairy · 13/07/2023 05:30

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/07/2023 05:02

He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them.
This is mental illness. You are not crazy. But you do need to get out of the relationship NOW! Before he develops more illogical realities about you. Listen to the others. Where he goes is not your problem. Protecting yourself is your problem.

Yes this could be mental illness or a brain tumour or similar but the timing is suspicious…

Is his name on your mortgage op? How is he contributing financially to your household?

Festoonedflurryfairy · 13/07/2023 05:33

And sorry for all the questions but are you sure you haven’t missed any red flags in his behaviour prior to him moving in op? Please think very carefully.

Festivfrenzy · 13/07/2023 05:33

Excellent advice here. This is not a kind person - you need to extract yourself from this situation asap before he worms his way deeper into your house and your life.
You are strong enough to have spotted it now you're with him day to day and this midnight waking is him trying to work out how to control you in the way he intended. You need to follow through what you know you need to do and let him stand on his own two feet. He's a grown man he will be fine. Protect yourself - any children in your home? If so don't even consider it - get someone over to help you and then tell him it's over and he needs to hand over his keys and take his stuff. Do not waver. One clean move then change the locks. Once he knows it's final he'll leave you alone and you'll start to recover. Good luck xxx

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 13/07/2023 05:36

It’s not your problem is he has nowhere to go! Get rid of him!

Kimchikitchen · 13/07/2023 05:40

You don’t say what he is going on and on about? Does he think you’re cheating?

do either of you have children?

Devonshiregal · 13/07/2023 06:05

it isn’t up to him to backtrack or not, op. You’ve seen he’s abusive so YOU make the decision to break up. It doesn’t need to be a joint decision. And it’s not a brain tumour 🙄 it’s a narcissist unable to hide his true colours now you’re living together.

you have seen the light so early! You’re only two weeks in! You can either walk forward into years of this - gaslighting, abuse. Or you can run away!

gaslighting like this doesn’t take long to break your sense of self down. If it continues soon you won’t know which way is up.

you’re heartbroken because you’re grieving for someone you knew and planned a life with - it’s hard to accept that person is gone because physically they’re still there.

you should feel safe in your own home. Not be crying in your room all night. this is not normal or healthy. It IS enough to know this is not the type of relationship you want. don’t overthink this. Draw your line and have him be gone.

Codlingmoths · 13/07/2023 06:14

So he hid a mental illness until he was moved in and is now taking it out on you? You have to move him out again. You didn’t cause this, it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it.

ChubbyMorticia · 13/07/2023 06:16

Get him out. Ask for advice from the police and a domestic abuse hotline.

Beautiful3 · 13/07/2023 06:43

As soon as you described what he was doing, I knew he was gas lighting you. He's trying to make you believe that you were in the wrong, even though he knows its untrue. He is going to make you feel very ill. Please consider telling him to leave. Breaking up with him would be best. He will only get worse.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 13/07/2023 07:02

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:39

It was two weeks after he moved in when it all started.

Pregnancy, marriage and moving in together are three key life events where abuse often starts. It comes from a feeling of 'they're trapped now'.
You owe him nothing at all, and can ask him to leave.
Be strong, OP. You don't need this and it will only get worse from here.

barlie · 13/07/2023 07:03

Try to nip all this in the bud now. The fortunate thing for you is that this is 'early'. So save yourself and your mind and ask him to leave now. Make sure you have shared this information with a trusted person and get your life back. The longer you leave it the more difficult it may be. It's not too late of course and there's no reason why you need to put up with this. Maybe he can't cope with the change but it sounds worse than that. Might it work to take the line 'it's just not suiting you... I think you need some time out to think about things'? Get him out and then don't let him back.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2023 07:06

What a nightmare Op but thank goodness you've seen this early and it's your home.

He needs to leave immediately, can anyone be with you whilst you tell him (worried it might turn physical if you're alone?) and get a locksmith in straight away to change the locks.