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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wtf???

105 replies

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:29

It's 4am and for a third night I am awake. My DP is also awake and is sat in the other room again.

I don't know where to begin. I left an abusive marriage years ago. Mostly psychological which turned physical on one occasion which was the end of the marriage.

I have been with my DP a few years but we have only recently moved in together. In the last two weeks we have had two massive fights about the same subject. He seems to have become a different person overnight. He is stuck on these thoughts that I have said things I know I have not said. He has literally ripped me apart making all sorts of comments and accusations about me as a person.

He keeps going round in circles, one minute saying he knows he's wrong about what he is saying but then in the next convo bringing it all back up again. He says that his thoughts are facts because he thinks them. I got to the point last night where I said I am not defending myself anymore. If you don't hear what I'm saying and you really believe your thoughts about me then why are you still here.

Anyway I am feeling like I am losing my mind. Everything I say just gets twisted and used against me and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I phoned a helpline yesterday. I needed a sounding board as I didn't know up from down. The counsellor told me that from what I was describing that she felt I was being gaslighted by my DP. I thought maybe it was in my head due to my past abusive relationship.

I don't know where to turn now. I am living with a man who clearly doesn't like me very much. When I say that it should end due to this he backtracks. I don't have a question to ask really. Just brain dumping here as I can't think straight.

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 13/07/2023 20:06

Thank heavens it’s your place. Tell him to fuck off and mean it. Just because he has no place to go isn’t your problem. If he’s going to behave like an abusive, gas lighting arsehole as soon as he moves in, you don’t owe him a roof over his head.

He obviously felt secure enough to start behaving like this from the start and it’s only going to get worse. Please, please, kick him out. Give him a week to find somewhere else if you must, even if it’s a friend’s couch. He needs to leave. You’ve escaped one abusive relationship, please don’t get sucked into another. You have the power to do something about it.

easilydistracted1 · 13/07/2023 20:10

This is so early on youre in living together youre in the best place to get rid. Change the locks while he's out and tell him if he comes round you’ll be calling the police. Otherwise he could start claiming all sorts about his rights and contributions

If it's mental illness he's masked it from you and that doesn't take over your right to be safe. I doubt it though he sounds vicious.

Original poster
Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 20:11

easilydistracted1 · 13/07/2023 20:10

This is so early on youre in living together youre in the best place to get rid. Change the locks while he's out and tell him if he comes round you’ll be calling the police. Otherwise he could start claiming all sorts about his rights and contributions

If it's mental illness he's masked it from you and that doesn't take over your right to be safe. I doubt it though he sounds vicious.

He has no beneficial interest in the place. I for a signed legal deed put in place to prevent it.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 13/07/2023 20:12

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

He can find somewhere to go as he is an adult and adults are capable of managing their lives. It will probably be awkward for him, yes, but he CAN do it.

It is absolutely no coincidence that this behaviour has started up right at a time where he can make you feel locked into the relationship. Don’t buy into his claims of helplessness to find a place to live any more than you buy into his claims that you said things you know you didn’t say.

This behaviour is designed, whether consciously or unconsciously, to mess with your head and get himself into a power position in the relationship. (Claiming to be helpless or a victim is a very strong power position, by the way, one that abusers frequently use).

The longer you tolerate this, the more he will mess with your head. See this for what it is right now and get him out.

LadyLolaRuben · 13/07/2023 20:15

I've had something similar in the past. I narrowed it down to personality disorder and he was rapid cycling between states. It got worse not better. Im sorry you're going through this x

Jongleterre · 13/07/2023 20:15

He's either having a breakdown and hearing voices that he thinks comes from you or he wants to drive you mad like they do in crazy horror films.

I suspect the latter.

If he has nowhere to go that is not your concern. He made the choice to get rid of his property/home and move to yours will no plan in place if it didn't work out.

Your sanity is at risk here and you need to get him out asap.

You are not mad.

Ollifer · 13/07/2023 20:15

I'm not gonna repeat what others have said but I just want to make one thing very clear op - you do not need to feel any guilt about kicking him out, thinking he won't have anywhere to go. That mentality stopped me booting out my ex for years and in the end it was harder to do than if I'd just done it when I knew it was the right thing. And surprise surprise, when I finally kicked his arse out, although he had a huge pity party and laid it on thick, even hinting at suicidal thoughts (yawn) he was absolutely fine, within a couple of months got a house, new girlfriend etc and walks around without a care in the world now. And that's fine, he's not my problem anymore and it feels brilliant.

CheekyHobson · 13/07/2023 20:27

And surprise surprise, when I finally kicked his arse out, although he had a huge pity party and laid it on thick, even hinting at suicidal thoughts (yawn) he was absolutely fine, within a couple of months got a house, new girlfriend etc

My abusive ex dragged his feet on moving out for more than half a year while calling me a bully for asking him why it was taking so long. When he did finally move out, it was just before a renovation started, which he didn’t want to be inconvenienced by, and it was into a house that he’d been offered months earlier by a family member but he had kept that person waiting around in case he managed to find something better.

Don’t believe these men’s tales of woe. They’re always bullshit.

SayHi · 13/07/2023 20:33

No relationship should have you up at 4am and not sleeping (for the wrong reasons).

It doesn’t work and you can either accept that and put the wheels in motion now or wait another few weeks/ months/ years to then accept it and waste your life.

It’s not great that he has given his home up so I wouldn’t kick him out (unless there is violence or abuse) but I would sit him down and say that it’s over and you can sleep in separate rooms until he finds somewhere else.

Do not get into any future arguments with him.

CheekyHobson · 13/07/2023 20:40

It’s not great that he has given his home up so I wouldn’t kick him out (unless there is violence or abuse)

Verbally berating and accusing a partner of saying or doing things they haven’t done IS abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, and in fact mental and emotional abuse can be just as or even more traumatising than physical abuse because it doesn’t leave a physical mark that someone else can see and validate as being harm.

madroid · 13/07/2023 20:49

It’s not great that he has given his home up so I wouldn’t kick him out (unless there is violence or abuse) but I would sit him down and say that it’s over and you can sleep in separate rooms until he finds somewhere else.

DON'T do this. He won't go if you do. Give him a date and call the police to remove him when he still won't go then.

No relationship should make you feel like you're going mad (or keep you up at 4am). I'm so sorry but he's a bad 'un and your previous experience probably means you know it deep down.

As a victim of abuse you are much more likely to choose another partner who will abuse you again. That's why the Freedom programme was designed. I think you may need to go back to square one and do more therapy. Also contact Women's Aid for some support.

unsync · 13/07/2023 21:07

Don't let him do this to you.

The only way to fix this is to end the relationship and he leaves.

Can you get support through this? Counselling and/or Women's Aid? Did you do the Freedom Programme last time? It's concerning that you've ended up with another abuser, WA can help with that going forward. I found them very helpful.

TheMamaYo · 13/07/2023 21:31

The longer he stays, the tighter he wraps you up in all of this.

You’ll start doubting yourself more and more, whilst he takes over every calm bit in your mind space. Two weeks in and it’s about his family. Two months in, it’ll be much worse. Two years in and he’ll have fucked with your mind so much, you’ll believe every shit thing he says and hide every shit thing he does.

As hard as it is getting him out now, it is the easiest it’ll ever be.

fantasmasgoria1 · 13/07/2023 21:48

I have been gaslighted so much and it just gets worse believe me. Please don't let it get even worse for you and end things with him.

thecatinthetwat · 13/07/2023 21:55

It sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. Either way, this is not a healthy relationship for you. Get help, get him out and then get more help.

Newestname002 · 13/07/2023 22:04

It’s not great that he has given his home up so I wouldn’t kick him out (unless there is violence or abuse) but I would sit him down and say that it’s over and you can sleep in separate rooms until he finds somewhere else.

He can find himself in a houseshare though. 🌹

easilydistracted1 · 13/07/2023 23:03

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 20:11

He has no beneficial interest in the place. I for a signed legal deed put in place to prevent it.

Show quote history

Well that was definitely sensible. All the same, I would be arranging for him to leave promptly as its also him accepting that and the psychological impact on you. I had slightly similar situation although the volatile behaviour was different. Turned out the ex was very unwell in their mental health but the behaviour still wasn't OK and when I look back on the relationship I accepted way too much controlling behaviour. We were able to part on good terms though

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 23:59

OP, you have endured enough abuse in your life surely?

You are on the path of another highly abusive relationship.

His housing need is NOT your concern.

Call the police if necessary, but have this awful man removed.

Get him out.

Please protect your mental health and your home.

You are clearly very vulnerable that you have entertained him at all.

skypink · 14/07/2023 07:28

This is worrying, OP. Please leave him, he is not your responsibility.

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 07:43

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 20:02

Yes adult children

Show quote history

Do they live with you?

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 07:45

You have been with him three years and all this has started in last fortnight? Did he give any hint of this unhinged behaviour before now? How was the relationship up until a fortnight ago?

mildlydispeptic · 14/07/2023 07:50

Oh man, that "am I going crazy" feeling where you go into an argument ready to be reasonable and come out so muddled you don't know if you're coming or going. Massive sign that he's unplayable. Trust your instincts, OP.

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 07:59

Notagain101 · 13/07/2023 04:37

The set up is he has for rid of his own home and moved into mine. He has nowhere to go.

Was he owning or renting?

Kimchikitchen · 14/07/2023 08:03

Ah he was renting
so he gave up his rental
he has no beneficial interest in your property
you’ve been together three years and he’s never shown signs of this
in the last two weeks he behaves like this

sounds like he’s having a breakdown to me

2022NewTimes · 14/07/2023 08:10

@easilydistracted1 .please get him out of your life.....I spent nearly 30 years with someone like this and they get worse. ....wish I had left in the first month we lived together when he showed his true colours......free now but what a waste of my life putting up with his made up crap....